View Full Version : Selfish or opportunity
Need advise from Men, women and younger people on this issue. I am currently in the process of divorcing my husband (have to be 4 years seperated in Ireland before you can apply for a divorce) and I am currently in a relationship with a german man and we have a baby together.
The problem is I have a daughter from my marriage and her dad comes to see her only on Sunday's. He won't take her over night and has let her down on many occasions. I have recently been to Germany and it is a wonderful country. I would love to go there but my ex says he won't allow me to take my daughter with me.
Germany is not far and I see it as a fantastic opportunity for my children to learn another language. The place in Germany is the center of Europe so they have access to all other countries to learn.
Am I been selfish taking my daughter away from her dad and relatives? Do you see this as an opportunity too? Please let me know what you think
At the end of the day you have to do what you think will be the best life style for you and your children. There is no way that you are being selfish as whatever you do your more than likely going to upset somebody. Like you said Germany is not the other side of the world and by moving it would not mean your daughter having no contact with her dad or relatives.
Just wondering How old is your daughter?
At the end of the day you have to do what you think will be the best life style for you and your children. There is no way that you are being selfish as whatever you do your more than likely going to upset somebody. Like you said Germany is not the other side of the world and by moving it would not mean your daughter having no contact with her dad or relatives.
Just wondering How old is your daughter?
My daughter is 4 and I was not planning to move until she is 6 as that is when they start school in Germany
Chloe O'brien
17-07-2006, 15:13
Personally Siobhan I don't think your being selfish as you are trying to give your children a better quality of life. I can understand your ex not being happy about it but he doesn't go out of his way to be consistent with visting his daughter. Its not as if you are stopping all contact from him forever.
.:SpIcYsPy:.
17-07-2006, 15:17
Well you got 2 more years to think it through for a start..
I would personally stay in Ireland even though Germany is close by.. simply because your daughter needs her dad.. if there are problems when her dad comes to visit your daughter ,then maybe it's a slight good thing but I think it's nice of her to see her dad once a week. I think it's good your moving on too. If you move it would be quite hard for your daughter to speak to her dad.. it's a bit complicated as it is.. in a way. I know there's phone and everything but I think he should be able to see his daughter :)
Just my opinion :)
no that is good.. I believe she should see her dad too and I have no problem if he wanted to be there everyday. I have never ever stopped her seen her dad but when it got mentioned about moving away, her dad start saying horrible things to her like "if you go to germany you won't see me every again" and now she doesn't want to go for a holiday even... to me that is selfish
Its your ex that is being selfish, he seems to want everything on his terms. You look after her everyday and its your job to give your daughter the best quality of life you possible can and if you feel that it is in Germany then you should go.
siobhan yuor not being selfish, its not like you are taking her to australia. You want your daughter to experience things and your other child should experience her culture too.
If i was you sibhan id go, what happend if you end up staying and he lets her down again , regularly?? your gonna be annoyed that you didnt take the oppurtunity hun when you had it!
i say go, surely you have to come back for family????? its not like your saying he can never see her again.
Hi Siobhan,
I can only give you my perspective, as a child who was moved to a different country and as the fiance of a dad who has a child in a previous relationship.
Whilst I understand what you saying about how here dad wont take her over night and lets her down is there a reason for this and can you expand a bit more? If he is a bad parent it makes things very different.
My mom and step dad moved us away from scotland to england when I was 7. the only thing I remember of that time was not understanding anyone (the acents were totally different) having the mickey taken out of me for talking different and missing my relatives - not just my dad but my cousins, aunts uncles and grandparents.
Im now 23, and to a certain extent still resent my mom for moving us for her own gain. Having had one of my granparents pass away with me being unable to return home in time to see him, and with the ache I feel for missing my family it is extremely hard. Yes i have made a life for myself here, and stayed here after moving out of home, but I have no family support network except my mom which is really tough, and watching as my granparents get older is also hard - especially when you want to be around helping them etc.
its not far from where i live now to scotland about 5 hrs on a train. But it is still so hard. After having a fight with my mom in my teens I couldnt run round my grandma's like my friends, and I am in floods of tears every time I have to leave my family and return home. I can honestly say if it wasnt for my fiance and job I woudlnt be here.
Please remember its not just her dad you are taking her away from but her whole family.
From his point of view, he obviously doesnt want her to leave, and him saying things to her is just fear of losing his child.
What i will say is that i am a damn site closer to my dad than my mom, possibly because of having not grown up with him.
The other way to look at it woudl be how would you feel if she chose to stay in Ireland with him? thats probably how hes feeling now. regardless of what anyone says, as the product of a broken home myself I can assure you 5 times a year to see your kids is not enough
Just my tuppence worth theough chick, only you know your circumstances :)
Well I think that the Child's father should put the best interests of the child at heart as you are obviously doing. I think it would be a great thing for you and your child to both have a fresh start. Its not as if you are taking the child away to spite him or prevent access. With easyjet and ryanair Germany is only a short cheap flight away. Anyway you have two years to try and come to some sort of amicable arrangement with your ex. As you will see from my pm I have a wee bit of experience.
Exactly Alan... When we first split up he said he was moving to holland for a job so it is ok for him to leave the country and see her whenever but I can't???
Ems, I understand how difficult it is for a child to move away from family but I am taken her to family too. She has been over in Germany twice and she loves the place and people. We are both learning german now.
I think it's an opportunity for both you and your daughter and selfish of your ex to stick his nose in like that. He clearly wasn't that bothered before, letting your daughter down so many times.
.:SpIcYsPy:.
17-07-2006, 17:59
What i will say is that i am a damn site closer to my dad than my mom, possibly because of having not grown up with him.
+ Usually I find daughters are close with their fathers than their mothers.. This is not always the case though :) Just to mention :)
Siobhan - if it were the other way round, what would your ex do?? If he had a fantastic opportunity in a country, not a million miles away, would he think twice about going?? Is it really that much different to moving to another county (like my dads family moving down to Devon from London for example). At the end of the day, you cannot put your life on hold because of your ex. He will always have a say in the upbringing of your daughter and he should always be there for her, but he shouldn't start saying to her that hes not going to be able to see her etc because that is pretty much emotional blackmail, which isn't fair on her. It will be hard for him to see her go, yes, but he should also see it as the opportunity that it is. You have 2 years to sort all of this out for him, remind him that he will still be and always will be her dad and how cheap and easy it is to fly from Germany to Ireland. I honestly think though, that you should stick with your plans - I wouldn't like for anyone to sit down in say 10 years time and say, I wish I had done that and not listened to him. He'll always be on the end of a phone line and at the end of a plane ride and he'll always be her dad - let him know that. It could be that hes feeling like his daughter is being taken from him and going to be brought up by your partner and whilst it doesn't "bother" him at the moment, in another country, he probably feels isolated about it.
Exactly Alan... When we first split up he said he was moving to holland for a job so it is ok for him to leave the country and see her whenever but I can't???
Ems, I understand how difficult it is for a child to move away from family but I am taken her to family too. She has been over in Germany twice and she loves the place and people. We are both learning german now.
Its different taking her to live there though - a holiday is aholiday full tiem is different. and remember itwont be her family it will be your partners family. Trust me as much asanyone says no difference will be made its simply untrue.
As i said before, only you know your own personal circumstances, for example how close your daughter is to her father andhowlikely an adverse effect it will likely have on her. Im assuming your ex is also well off enough to travel to germany often to see her - trust me the cheap flights are rare especially during school holidays.
I can only give you my opinion. It was one of the worst things that happened to me, and I still believe my mom was selfish to a certain extent and put her own needs against mine - but at 7 you cant really stick up for yourself and dont really know what you want anyway.Its onlywhen your older and you think of how much you missed out on with your family that it matters to you.
A phone call doesnt matter when your missing out on so much of your childs life, seeing them grow up. i know how much it hurt my dad and me, and I can honestly say I would never split my kids away from their family and dad. Its their best interest first - but only you can decide what that is
Can I just ask though Ems - do you think that as parents, single or otherwise, we should put our lives on hold, and do nothing for ourselves, because we have children?? I understand that you have been through it yourself , so have had experiences of it happening in a certain way in your family and like you said, it depends on individual circumstances, so don't get me wrong, but I'm just wondering. :D
The world is a small place nowadays with mobile phones, cheap travel, the internet et al. If you as the ''parent with care'' decide to better your life and that of your child then your ex should come to terms with it. He could probabbly have a weekend in Germany cheaper than a weekend in Dublin. (Thank God I live in the Black North)
diamond1
18-07-2006, 00:25
ok I see your dilema
I think you should sit your kid down and see what they want
your daughters 4...she will be 6 when you move (hopefully)so it wont be to hard on her when she moves,
I think you should live your life this man lets your daughter down by the sounds of it and he will continue to do so...you have found a great partner and if that means moving so be it think one day your daughter will move out then it will just be you so if you dont follow your heart now one day you may end up alone full of shoulda,would,coulda
so its up to you, live your life as good as you can because youre only here once
EDIT you wont end up alone but think germany or ireland hmmm I know who Id choose
EDIT you wont end up alone but think germany or ireland hmmm I know who Id choose Me too Erin Go Bragh no contest but I think Siobhan was thinking of Germany and not the Four Green Fields
Exactly Alan... When we first split up he said he was moving to holland for a job so it is ok for him to leave the country and see her whenever but I can't???
Plus, your partners family are also Bens biological family too (not that biology makes any difference these days (I know from my own experience :D ) and if it were ok for him to want to leave the country and go to Holland, whats the difference with you going??
Follow your heart Siobhan, if you want to go there, then do it. Talk to her about it, ensure she knows that you aren't ripping her away from her dad and that he'll always be there for her and nothing will change that fact.
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone. Ems I understand where you are coming from and the experience you had. I feel really bad doing this to him but I don't think he had the right to guilt trip me into staying.
Em: yeah you are right too. If he decided to leave, it is right for me to put my life on hold just for his convience??? At his moment he is having his cake and eating it.. he can come and go when he pleases and sees his daughter when he wants.
I have talked to my daughter, I told her that IF (and that is a big if) we move that she will see her dad lots. She will get to spend all summer, christmas and easter with him. From the moment I met my ex I told him I wanted to live in mainland Europe (it was france at the time), I have that chance now but in Germany. I want to settle this ambicaly but he said he would drag me through courts to get what he wants.. but is it right that what he wants is for me to stay where I am so he can see his daughter when he FEELS like it? I would understand more if he was seen her everyday.
xXxJessxXx
18-07-2006, 10:14
You have two years to think about what to do so you can consider all sides of the argument. If your going to move you have to be sure its for all the right reasons. It will be a great oppourtunity for your children to go to a new country and have (What could be) a better life.
Your daughter's father obviously doesnt place visiting your daughter high on his list of priorities. Moving away will mean less visits. But if he was really that botherd and concerned and wanted to visit then he would make more effort if you were to move. It seems at the minute he's taking her for granted being so near. But if you were to move away he might just realise what he's missing and then make more of the effort. He'll be angry and hard to please at first but with time he will realise.
Growing children need all the family they can get close by. Its hard growing up with not many family members near by. For the first few months it will be hard but they will get used to it. I have family members all over the world and sometimes i see more of the ones who live further away than the ones that live closest. Like the father the family will make the effort if they want to. But moving will give your children the oppourtunity to meet new people have have a new family. Your children arent old enough to decide them selfs so you need to decide for them. when they are older they could resent you or they could be happy with the decision you made but thats the risk you have to take.
Life's too short to worry about other people's feelings. You have to live for the moment and take every opourtunity that comes your way. May sound selfish but its true. especially when children are envolved:D
Why would he do this?! You aren't denying him the rights to see her - you are doing as you had always said you were going to. I would have thought the courts would change much though because you have said he can see her in the holidays.
Do as your heart says, don't be pressurised into doing something you don't want to, otherwise, you could end up resenting people including yourself for not living your life the way you want to. We live once, enjoy it and make the most of it.
Why would he do this?! You aren't denying him the rights to see her - you are doing as you had always said you were going to. I would have thought the courts would change much though because you have said he can see her in the holidays.
mmm the courts, yeah what happens over here is that old Irish family law overwrites what the courts say. For example, any child born while you are still legally married, are the Husbands (regardless who you have them for) and it is only him that can deny this fact by getting a legal document signed. Women who are married have very little legal rights if they wish to seperate from their partners and divorce is not possible until you are seperated for 4 years as agreed by the Husband.. In this country, my ex has more rights as we are not divorced yet
mmm the courts, yeah what happens over here is that old Irish family law overwrites what the courts say. For example, any child born while you are still legally married, are the Husbands (regardless who you have them for) and it is only him that can deny this fact by getting a legal document signed. Women who are married have very little legal rights if they wish to seperate from their partners and divorce is not possible until you are seperated for 4 years as agreed by the Husband.. In this country, my ex has more rights as we are not divorced yet OMG! Oh Siobhan. Is he willing to sit down and discuss his reasons for not wanting you to go amicably and sensibly without doing the whole threaten you with courts bit, for your daughters sake if nothing else?? Hopefully over the next 2 years, you will be able to help him see what a fantastic opportunity it is and once he is used to the idea and knows that you aren't taking her away from him, then he may calm down and then be happy for you, especially as its what you have wanted to do since before meeting him even....
I really hope so.. when we went to mediation after we first split and the subject of moving came up he said he was 120 days access which suited me fine, now he is changing his mind again.. Hopefully I can make him see sense so I don't have to go to court.
I really hope so.. when we went to mediation after we first split and the subject of moving came up he said he was 120 days access which suited me fine, now he is changing his mind again.. Hopefully I can make him see sense so I don't have to go to court. I hope so hun - it could be the whole losing his daughter thing where he feels any further than where you are now is a million miles away - hopefully once he gets used to the idea, knows its not going to mean never seeing her again etc, he may come round to it. Courts the last thing anyone wants to happen really, and he should hopefully see that doing that isn't going to do your daughter much good either.
I hope so hun - it could be the whole losing his daughter thing where he feels any further than where you are now is a million miles away - hopefully once he gets used to the idea, knows its not going to mean never seeing her again etc, he may come round to it. Courts the last thing anyone wants to happen really, and he should hopefully see that doing that isn't going to do your daughter much good either.
Totally agree about trying to avoid court. My mom and dad battled for 3 years in court over custody, and they cant stand each other now (well actually, my mom cant stand my dad, who really doesnt care)
Its difficult to make a decision about whether a parent should put their life on hold for their kids, and it does depend on the individual.
Whist i agree not everything revolves around your kids, obviously you have to do whats best for them, and each case is different. I personally wouldnt move if it was me but this is only based on my experiance - you may well find other with the same upbrining as me who are totally fine having moved and think its great.
the main thing is you duagthers happiness. If your going to be unhappy staying, this will effect your daughter and then going may be the right thing.
the only thing I would say is your ex is probably just hurting right now, and often parents do or say things to get at the other - this is probably what your ex is trying to do. he might be scared of losing his child, but I do agree if he shows little interest in her it changes matters. my dad worships the ground I walk on, if your ex isnt like that with your daughter then he is relinqushing his rights to a certain extent. if this is right, him threatning to take you to court may be less to do with keeping his daughter and more to do with trying to get at you.
only you can make your decision - but you have a while to think it through!
When we moved to england my dads visitation rights were 1 day a week. Thats 52 days a year. When my dad took my mom to court they agreed his visitation would still be 52 days a year but would be made up of summer vacations etc.
It lasted a week !!!!
But, it's a good arguement for a compromise. Plus i always think a lump sum of time spent with a child is more valuable than snatched hours here there and everywhere.
Can I just add a comment regarding Em's experiences.
My parents are together and happy, and when I was a child they moved all over the place far from family and friends. As a child I adapted. I don't see why separated or divorced parents should act any differently
I don't think that a 4 or 6 year old child should be given the final say (or any say even) over where she lives. That is the parent's responsibility.
My advise would be to try to maintain civalised communication with your ex and to come to an agreement re. access where ever you are living. He has 2 years to get used to the idea, hopefully he will relent.
Can I just add a comment regarding Em's experiences.
My parents are together and happy, and when I was a child they moved all over the place far from family and friends. As a child I adapted. I don't see why separated or divorced parents should act any differently
I don't think that a 4 or 6 year old child should be given the final say (or any say even) over where she lives. That is the parent's responsibility.
My advise would be to try to maintain civalised communication with your ex and to come to an agreement re. access where ever you are living. He has 2 years to get used to the idea, hopefully he will relent.
Im glad you had a happy childhood - mine was too but I still wish it had been different.
As i said every case is different, thats just my experiance and therefore my perspective having gone through the same thing. As i also said there are probably people with an identical upbringing to mine who feel differently.
The only reason I wouldnt do it is because of my personal feelings, but at the end of the day it will always be up to the parent as the child doesnt have a say, so the parent needs to decide whats best
xStephaniex
20-07-2006, 00:44
i think its what youthink is best for your daughter. at the end of the day its what she wants and if shes happy. but then she doesn't need a part-time dad who is going to continue letting her down on several occasions and if the other guy your seeing is around permanantly then i think she would feel more secure because she has a fluent father figure there. if the father wants to see her then he'd come over and see her or you could bring her back! i dont think your being selfish i think your thinking of whats best for your daughter and i think you should listen to what your heart is telling you and do whats best for her ! im sure you'll find the solution soon hun. Good luck ! x
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