Thursday jokes

[Londoner]

Hello, i know i normally do Friday jokes but i bored a whole day earlier!! Here goes................:thumbsup:

[Londoner]

Do you shop at Tesco

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a
doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,"
Mike replies. "There's diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give
it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,
and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs
five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get
Club card points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small
jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[Londoner]

A lesson in Management

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the Boss.
So the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the a**hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the s**t!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss-any a**hole will do.:rotfl: