Friday's Jokes

[Londoner]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Londoner]

There was a competion to cross the English Channel doing only the breast stroke,and the three women who entered the race were a brunette,a redhead and a blonde.

After approximatly 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest.About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second-place finisher.

Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms".
:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[Londoner]

The affair

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying b*******! You've been playing golf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"
---------------------------------------------------

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!"
-----------------------------------------------------

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too.

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
----------------------------------------------------

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
-------------------------------------------------

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, "his wife replied.


"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

[Londoner]

Can anyone guess that i am bored!!!!!!!!!!!! although the boss will not be pleased to hear that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cheer: :cheer:

[Luna]

lol the oldies are always the goodies :rotfl:

[Londoner]

Viagra now available in eye-drop form...

...doesn't give you an erection, but makes you look bloody hard

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Londoner]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

:lol:

[Londoner]

Blonde Joke - No offense x

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at
it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ..........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM

[moonstorm]

LOL, loved the Viagra joke, still giggling!!

[Skits]

excellent! we need a few good jokes on a friday. actually could we have some on monday, tuesday, wednesday.............

[pookie1968uk]

these were really good!! had me laughing anyway!!!!