Just Jodi's Joke Thread

[JustJodi]

BLAME...........





BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT.

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked
in front of this computer..........................

.....................I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

[di marco]

lol thats well funny! :D

[JustJodi]

When I am Old . . .
I shall wear Turquoise and soft gray sweatshirts...
and a bandana over my silver hair.....
and I shall spend my Social Security Checks on
Sweet Wine and My Dogs......
and sit in my house on my well-worn chair
and listen to my dog's breathing.

I will sneak out in the middle of a warm Summer night
and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow...
and when people come to call,
I will smile and nod as I show them my dogs...
and talk of them and about them...
The Ones so Beloved of the Past
and the Ones so Beloved of Today....

I still will work hard cleaning after them
and mopping and feeding them
and whispering their names in a soft, loving way.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat, like a jewel
and I will be an embarrassment to all...
and my family...
who have not yet found the peace
in being free to have dogs as your Best Friends....

These friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall...
and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep,
to greet you as if you are a God.
With warm eyes full of adoring love and hope that you will stay
and their big, strong necks...
and kiss their dear sweet heads...
and whisper to their very special company....

I look in the Mirror...
and see I am getting old....
this is the kind of woman (man) I am...
and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy,
they are part of me,
accept me for who I am,
my dogs appreciate my presence in their lives...
when I am old this will be important to me...
you will understand when you are old....
and if you have dogs to love too.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN

[JustJodi]

Just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life..... Part of me has snapped........... and the rest of me is draggin':rotfl:

[JustJodi]

A drug store owner walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk :
"What's with the guy over there by the wall?"



The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so
I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".



The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".



The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[Chloe O'brien]

Oh God Jodi please stop I can't cope :D i'm sitting here in the office suppose to be working but I'm crying my eyes out. Just as well the boss is away to a meeting :rotfl: That cough medicine joke was priceless

[hayley]

I like that last one its good!! I dont get any of the others!!

[JustJodi]

No sense of humor...



My wife and I are watching "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed. I turned to her and
said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

[hayley]

i get that one!!
:rotfl:

[di marco]

No sense of humor...



My wife and I are watching "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed. I turned to her and
said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

lol! :D

[JustJodi]

This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida...........

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her ve hicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key in to the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...

For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five space s farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

So, if you're going to have a......... Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

[pinkles14]

:rotfl: very good i like them all

[Chloe O'brien]

Jodi was she a friend of yours by any chance :D

[JustJodi]

Jodi was she a friend of yours by any chance :D

:p :p :p :rotfl: NOPE BUT I SURE LIKE THE LIL LADY

[JustJodi]

Subject: Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter!


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[JustJodi]

http://www.toilette-humor.com/monkey.html

[JustJodi]

A COWBOY AND CONSULTANT


A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy... "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business... Now give me back my dog."

[JustJodi]

Retail Sales






<DIV><STRONG><FONT face="comic sans ms">A young guy from

[pinkles14]

http://www.toilette-humor.com/monkey.html

:rotfl: love the monkey

[JustJodi]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says rightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,and runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in MICHIGAN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.

[CrazyLea]

:lol: theyre funny!!! love the old lady one :p

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

The millionaire and the blonde one is jokes :rotfl:

[di marco]

lol those were funny! :D

[feelingyellow]

Lmao! Hilarious, keep em coming hunni! :cheer:

[JustJodi]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,'Honey, my hands are freezing! She says, Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, Man! My hands are really freezing! She says again, Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again. He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, Honey, my hands are really, really freezing. She looks at him and says, For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?

[JustJodi]

Testing The Children



I was testing the children







in my Sunday school class



to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.





I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,





had a big garage sale



and gave all my money



to the church,



Would that get me into Heaven?"




"NO!" the children answered.



"If I cleaned the church every day,




mowed the yard,



and kept everything neat and tidy,

would that get me into Heaven?"



Again, the answer was, "NO!"


By now I was starting to smile.



Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals



and gave candy





to all the children,







and loved my husband,



would that get me into Heaven?"



I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"




I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,








"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."







Don't be too busy today...
Share this hilarious message with friends and family!

[JustJodi]

Can not remember if I posted this one or not,,, good luck any way..

http://www.downloadlab.com/chickenandeggs.html

[JustJodi]

Arkansas Babies
In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there" said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!! " cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?" :wall: :lol:

[Chloe O'brien]

I love these jokes the romantic couple joke was a cracker :D

[JustJodi]

Ya got to love the The Irish:
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order.


O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone

[feelingyellow]

Lmao, hilarious!! though i don't get the wood hands one, lol... it sounded sorta sick to me yet it doesn't seem to be lol - i think i just be dumb lol

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

Lmao I love the Irish one :rotfl:

[di marco]

lol those are good! :D whats a redneck though, cos i never do understand what one is?

[JustJodi]

lol those are good! :D whats a redneck though, cos i never do understand what one is?


red·neck

NOUN:
Offensive Slang

Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.

[di marco]

red·neck

NOUN:
Offensive Slang

Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.


thanks jodi, i thought it was something like that but i was never sure :)

[Skits]

in ireland, people from outside dublin (the country) are called red necks!

[Siobhan]

in ireland, people from outside dublin (the country) are called red necks!

or culchies :rotfl::rotfl:

[JustJodi]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"


She replied: a can of peaches.







The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[Chloe O'brien]

Jodi you are priceless :D keep them coming

[feelingyellow]

i don't get it lol
is it cos her husband's telling on her? lol

[Chloe O'brien]

no she is getting 6 days in jail cause there are 6 peaches in the can. The husband said that she stole the can of peas cause there is hundreds of peas in a can and she would have been put in jail longer :D

[JustJodi]

One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"



"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"


He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."



And they say blondes are dumb...
~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"


"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: Why do little boys whine?


A: They are practicing to be men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Q: What is the difference between men and women?


A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?


A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[Chloe O'brien]

:rotfl: If anyone says the don't get those jokes should be banned permantly from SB for having no sense of humour :D

[pinkles14]

Love the last one its true my partner never reads the Instruction Manuals
:)

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: If anyone says the don't get those jokes should be banned permantly from SB for having no sense of humour :D

Lmao, maybe we're just stupid :p

[di marco]

lol those are funny jodi! :D

[JustJodi]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little
Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little
Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her
face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the
cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

***************
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood
that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So
he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the
bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

***************
Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"


***************
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's
legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are
you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
Mom."

[lollymay]

i like those ones they are sweet lol

[JustJodi]

See how smart you think you are about food and culture in other countries:

http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

[lollymay]

oops i got 5 out of 11

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

Lmao I love the Jesus and the Horse joke from Little Davie!!

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

Got 7 out of 11!! :D

[di marco]

lol those jokes were funny! :D and i got 6 out of 11! :)

[pinkles14]

Not too bad i got 8 out of 11

[feelingyellow]

lmao! great :D

[Chloe O'brien]

i got 4 out of 11 and i loved little davie what a treasure

[hayley]

lovin the jokes!! especially the little davie ones and the feamle ones!

[JustJodi]

Will post some more after the weekend is over...hang tight every one..:rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[JustJodi]

http://www.iol.ie/~dluby/escape.htm

[JustJodi]

Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a**** ***?I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. :mad:

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." :rolleyes:

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My
sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. :o

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. :rotfl:

Fifth Testimony
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST gas !!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! :rotfl:

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! :o

[JustJodi]

Corporate Lesson 1 :
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
> and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
> door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
>
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
> front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
>
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, " Who was that?"
>
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
>
> "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?
>
> "Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
> credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
> to prevent avoidable exposure
>
> Corporate Lesson 2:
> A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
> her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
> controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
> But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
> again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129? " The priest apologized" Sorry
> sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on
> her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
> 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>
> Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
> miss a great opportunity.
>
> Corporate Lesson 3:
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
> when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
> Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>
> "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas
> , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone.
>
> "Me next! Me next! " says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
> on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
> and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.
>
> "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
> those two back in the office after lunch."
>
> Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>
> Corporate Lesson 4
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
> "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:
> "Sure, why not." the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
> A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it,
>
> Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
> very high up.
>
> Corporate Lesson 5:
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the
> top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
>
> "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
> packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
> it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
> Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
> the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
> tree.
>
> Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep
> you there!

[JustJodi]

Praise the Lord. He will provide.
>
> There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her
front
> porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
>
> One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became
irritated
> at the little old lady.
>
> Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell:
> "THERE IS NO LORD!"
>
> Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
>
> One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped
onto
> her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have
no
> food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
>
> The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were t wo huge
> bags of groceries sitting there.
>
> "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR
ME!"
>
> The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
> "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
>
> The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
> "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES
> AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!

[di marco]

haha lol those are really funny! :D

[di marco]

http://www.iol.ie/~dluby/escape.htm

wahoo i managed 13.328! :D

[di marco]

wahoo i managed 13.328! :D

i now got 17.86! but just wondering, does something jump out at you at 18secs?

[feelingyellow]

lmao, these are fab! :D

[pinkles14]

http://www.iol.ie/~dluby/escape.htm

I got 18.187 nothing happened
Daughter got 16.062

[JustJodi]

The Pasta Diet

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.








CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[JustJodi]

Six Classic Affairs
> > >>>
> > >>>The 1st Affair
> > >>>
> > >>>A married man was having an affair
> > >>>with his secretary.
> > >>>One day they went to her place
> > >>>and made love all afternoon.
> > >>>Exhausted, they fell asleep
> > >>>and woke up at 8 PM.
> > >>>The man hurriedly dressed
> > >>>and told his lover to take his shoes
> > >>>outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
> > >>>He put on his shoes and drove home.
> > >>>"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
> > >>>"I can't lie to you," he replied,
> > >>>"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> > >>>We had sex all afternoon."
> > >>>She looked down at his shoes and said:
> > >>>"You lying *******!
> > >>>You've been playing golf!"
> > >>>
> > >>>The 2nd Affair
> > >>>
> > >>>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> > >>>but always talked about having a son.
> > >>>They decided to try one last time
> > >>>for the son they always wanted.
> > >>>The wife got pregnant
> > >>>and delivered a healthy baby boy.
> > >>>The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> > >>>to see his new son.
> > >>>He was horrified
> > >>>at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
> > >>>He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby.
> > >>>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> > >>>Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
> > >>>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> > >>>"Not this time!"
> > >>>
> > >>>The 3rd Affair
> > >>>
> > >>>A mortician was working late one night.
> > >>>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> > >>>about to be cremated,
> > >>>and made a startling discovery.
> > >>>Schwartz had the largest private part
> > >>>he had ever seen!
> > >>>"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
> > >>>commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
> > >>>with such an impressive private part.
> > >>>It must be saved for posterity."
> > >>>So, he removed it,
> > >>>stuffed it into his briefcase,
> > >>>and took it home
> > >>>"I have something to show
> > >>>you won't believe," he said to his wife,
> > >>>opening his briefcase.
> > >>>"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
> > >>>"Schwartz is dead!"
> > >>>
> > >>>The 4th Affair
> > >>>
> > >>>A woman was in bed with her lover
> > >>>when she heard her husband
> > >>>opening the front door.
> > >>>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
> > >>>She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> > >>>then dusted him with talcum powder.
> > >>>"Don't move until I tell you,"
> > >>>she said, " pretend you're a statue."
> > >>>"What's this?" the husband inquired
> > >>>as he entered the room.
> > >>>"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
> > >>>"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
> > >>>so I got one for us, too."
> > >>>No more was said,
> > >>>not even when they went to bed.
> > >>>Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> > >>>went to the kitchen and returned
> > >>>with a sandwich and a beer.
> > >>>"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
> > >>>I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> > >>>and nobody offered me a damned thing."
> > >>>
> > >>>The 5th Affair
> > >>>
> > >>>A man walked into a cafe,
> > >>>went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> > >>>"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
> > >>>"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
> > >>>He glanced at the menu and asked:
> > >>>"How much for a nice juicy steak
> > >>>and a bottle of wine?"
> > >>>"A nickel," the barman replied.
> > >>>"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
> > >>>"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
> > >>>The bartender replied:
> > >>>"Upstairs, with my wife."
> > >>>The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
> > >>>with your wife?"
> > >>>The bartender replied:
> > >>>"The same thing
> > >>>I'm doing to his business down here."
> > >>>
> > >>>The 6th Affair
> > >>>
> > >>>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> > >>>He looked up and said weakly:
> > >>>"I have something I must confess."
> > >>>"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
> > >>>"No," he insisted,
> > >>>"I want to die in peace.
> > >>>I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> > >>>her best friend, and your mother!"
> > >>>"I know," she replied,
> > >>>" now just rest
> > >>>and let the poison work."

[JustJodi]

Redneck medical terms
>
>Medical Terms
>________________________________
>
>Artery........................ The study of paintings.
>Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
>Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
>Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
>Caesarean Section............... A neighbourhood in Rome.
>Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
>Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
>Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
>Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
>D&C............................ Where Washington is.
>Dilate......................... To live long.
>Enema.......................... Not a friend.
>Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
>Fibula......................... A small lie.
>G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
>Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
>Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
>Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
>Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
>Morbid......................... A higher offer.
>Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
>Node........................... I knew it.
>Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
>Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
>Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
>Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
>Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
>Rectum........................ Pretty near killed him.
>Secretion...................... Hiding something.
>Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
>Tablet......................... A small table.
>Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
>Tumour.......................... One plus one more.
>Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
>Varicose....................... Near by/close by.

[JustJodi]

Redneck Divorce Letter
>
>
>
>
> "Redneck Divorce Letter"
>
> Dear Cooter,
>
> Me an Sue Ellen have divorced, the judge gave her the double wide
and
>the pickup.
>
> So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before 2
>O'clock, yesterday afternoon! I took a piccure fer proof that I
delivered
>it... Wanted to make sure she found it when she got home!!!
>
> How's your day goi! ng? See ya later,
>
> Your Buddy,
> Bubba
>
>
> "Git er done!"

http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/7421/image54sa.jpg (http://imageshack.us/)
>

[JustJodi]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
"That would be rude and impolite! ! !

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted

[Skits]

you're cracking me up. loved the one about the affairs!

[di marco]

lol these are all so funny! :D

[JustJodi]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, Speak Spanish."

[JustJodi]

Job Interview

A Wal-Mart manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants. Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Hanford Wal-Mart!

[JustJodi]

I'LL SWEAR!! I KNOW SOME OF THESE PEOPLE!!
>
>>
>> IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
>>
>> I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
>> local township administrative office to request the removal of the
>> Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason? "Too many deer were
being
>> hit by cars," and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This
>> one was from Kingman, Kansas.
>>
>> IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
>>
>> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
>> the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
>> sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
>>
>>
>> IDIOT SIGHTING
>>
>> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport
>> employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your
>> knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
>> would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
>> Happened in Birmingham, Alabama.
>>
>> IDIOT CROSSING
>>
>> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
>> street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
>> mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
>> that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
>> responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" She was a
>> probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.
>>
>> IDIOT TALKING
>>
>> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving
>> the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
>> "This is fun. We should do this more often!" Not a word was spoken.
>> We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
>> stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
>>
>> IDIOT WORKING
>>
>> I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
>> itself, and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
>> would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's Office,
>> no less.
>>
>> IDIOT WORKING 2
>>
>> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
>> our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
>> service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
>> the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
>> instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
>> unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To
which
>> he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the
Chevy
>> dealership in Rock Hill, South Carolina!
>>
>> They walk among us... AND REPRODUCE!

[Siobhan]

Dear lord.. why it is only idiots like that that get the good jobs??? and they are probably paid more then we are for been that stupid

[JustJodi]

Dear lord.. why it is only idiots like that that get the good jobs??? and they are probably paid more then we are for been that stupid

aint that the truth !!!!!!!!!!!!:wall:

[JustJodi]

Euros on Alert


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and
have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitzin 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised
from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued
a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
>Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated
by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and
French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing".
Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance to
"dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They also have two higher
levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are
all on holiday as usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.

[JustJodi]

A Blonde Fishy Story


Two nutty blonde fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[di marco]

lol these jokes are well funny, thanks jodi! :D

[JustJodi]

Ten Years Bad Luck


A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

[JustJodi]

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown



Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

[feelingyellow]

aww bless dogs lol - loving these jokes lol :)

[JustJodi]

>20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
>
>1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
>point hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
>
>2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
>
>3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
>fries with that.
>
>4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
>
>5. Put decafe in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
>gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>
>6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
>diamonds." I often write "sexual favors" it depends on what the bill
>is for.
>
>7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
>
>8. Don't use any punctuation.
>
>9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
>10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious
>face.
>
>11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>
>12. Sing along at the opera.
>
>13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
>
>14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
>sounds all day.
>
>15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
>party because you're not in the mood.
>
>16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,
>rock bottom.
>
>17. When the money comes out the ATM/CASH MACHINE scream "I won!, I won!"
>
>18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
>yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
>
>19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are
>going to have to let one of you go."
>
>20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... Send this
>e-mail to someone to make them smile. Its called therapy.

[JustJodi]

Are you tired of saying to your partner
WE NEVER DO ANY THING TOGETHER
Well this company has finally come up with a solution!!!:rotfl:


http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/8285/2seatertoilet2wy.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[feelingyellow]

lol! love the toilet thing :rotfl:
the 20 list thing's funny lol ... though i read that in i.t. lol ... i read about 10 of those sort of list things lol, my favourite one was - ask everyone what sex they are... and then burst out laughing! :lol: though this was in different one lol

[JustJodi]

lol! love the toilet thing :rotfl:
the 20 list thing's funny lol ... though i read that in i.t. lol ... i read about 10 of those sort of list things lol, my favourite one was - ask everyone what sex they are... and then burst out laughing! :lol: though this was in different one lol



I have another one I wanna post but it is tooooooooooooo long .. if any one wants it PM me and I will send it to u its about a chilli contest in Texas.. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants and couldnt see straight from laughing:lol: :rotfl:

[feelingyellow]

I have another one I wanna post but it is tooooooooooooo long .. if any one wants it PM me and I will send it to u its about a chilli contest in Texas.. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants and couldnt see straight from laughing:lol: :rotfl:

lol oooo cool pm me it please :D

[Skits]

and me please. i tried to pm you but it won't let me.

[feelingyellow]

and me please. i tried to pm you but it won't let me.

you have to have 1000 posts to pm/get pms

[Skits]

so that's why they wouldn't let me!! thanks feeling yellow.

[JustJodi]

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take
time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two
judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy pooh, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.

Judge # 2 A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
pooh-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
broad is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I let off gas and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. to heckwith those red necks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 I pooped on myself when I let off gas and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that broad Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like pooh to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Forget it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?


I had to change some of the words to accomodate the kids reading this stuff

[feelingyellow]

lmao fab :D

[Skits]

that was brill and the tears are running down my face!!

[willow]

OMG!!!!
vvvvvvvvvvvvvv.funny!!!!!!!!

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

Lmao that was fab!! :cheer:

[di marco]

lol that chilli story is really really funny, me and my sis couldnt stop laughing! :D

[Chloe O'brien]

i got as far as number 5 then lost control :D had to read each bit three times as i couldn't see for the tears. The one about the paramedics and letting of gas had me on the floor :rotfl:

[JustJodi]

Ok whewwwwwwwww I am so happy u guys liked the chilli tasting joke.. i loved it too
But here is something to keep ya'll busy:

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

[squillyfer]

got this in an email the other week, its addictive :)

[JustJodi]

A woman received a phone call from her sitter that her daughter was
sick
>>with a high fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for
>>medication.
>>Returning to her car, she found she had locked her keys inside. She
>>didn't
>>know what to do.
>>
>>She called her! home to talk to the sitter, and was told her daughter
was
>>getting worse. The sitter said, "Find a coat hanger and use that to
open
>>the
>>door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, then
>>looked
>>at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed
her
>>head
>>and asked God for help.
>>
>>An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man
with
>>a
>>biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is
what
>>you sent to help me?" But she was desperate, and thankful. The man
got out
>>of his car and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is
very
>>sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to
unlock
>>my
>>car?" He said, "SURE."
>>
>>He walked over to the car and in seconds the car door was opened. She
>>hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO
MUCH...You
>>are
>>a very nice man."
>>He replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for
car
>>theft." The woman hugged him again and cried out loud,
>>
>>THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
>>
>

[JustJodi]

http://www.spicolisbarleybin.com/games/survival.swf

I scored 12 out of 17...

[CrazyLea]

i got 9 :lol:

[Luna]

i got ten

[Chloe O'brien]

i got 9 out of 17

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

10 out of 17!! :eek:

[JustJodi]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE:D

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That ?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[squillyfer]

I got 10

[JustJodi]

Golf



Four Guys Play Golf
Four men were out golfing and discussing how each convinced their wife to let them play golf every morning.

1st guy: I had to buy my wife a BMW to let me play golf daily.

2nd guy: You got off cheap! I had to buy my wife a BMW and a mink coat.

3rd guy: You both got off dirt cheap! I had to buy my wife the BMW, mink coat and a diamond necklace.

4th guy: Ha! I didn't have to buy my wife a single thing! Every morning when I wake up, I lean over in bed, nudge my wife and ask, "Intercourse or golf course?" She instantly replies, "Don't forget to take your sweater."

[Skits]

the golf one's class! i know lots of men who play golf and their girlfriends give out. must tell them to try that!

[hayley]

like the golf one!!!

i only got 7 in that survival test!!

[feelingyellow]

lmao, fab :D golf one's hilarious like the little list thing aswell lol

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

Lmao at the golf one!! :rotfl:

[di marco]

lol those are funny as always jodi! :D

[JustJodi]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my

Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.











She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. ! I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,


"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"


"Stay! Stay!"





The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,


gave me a strange look and said,









"Why don't you just put it in park?"
________________________________________

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that's great lol

[JustJodi]

Doctor's visit


Why are you here?

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell
her what is
wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, " Yes sir, what are you
seeing
the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick ," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor
in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people such things, in a room
full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

I can't pee out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

[Chloe O'brien]

Jodi your killing me huney i'm going to die with a grin on my face :D

[JustJodi]

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in
Arabic.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> You gotta love Robin Williams......
>>> Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
>>> Williams to come up with the perfect
>>> plan. What we need now is for our
>>> UN Ambassador to stand up and
>>> repeat this message.
>>>
>>> Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
>>> argue with this logic!)
>>>
>>> "I see a lot of people yelling for peace
>>> but I have not heard of a plan for
>>> peace. So, here's one plan."
>>>
>>> 1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in
>>> their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin,
>>> Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good
'ole'
>>> boys", we will never "interfere" again.
>>>
>>> 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting
>>> with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines.
>>> They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders.
No
>>> one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
>>>
>>> 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together
and
>>> leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder
>>> will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or
>>> where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
>>>
>>> 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90
>>> days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist
>>> nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it
>>> yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available
>>> to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
>>>
>>> 5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the
>>> bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back
>>> home baby.
>>>
>>> 6) The US will make a strong effort
>>> to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing
>>> nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary
drilling
>>> of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for
>>> a while.
>>>
>>> 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a
barrel
>>> for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They
can
>>> go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the
>>> wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
>>>
>>> 8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world,
>>> we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for
>>> seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we
>>> give them is stolen or given
>>> to the army. The people who need
>>> it most get very little, if anything.
>>>
>>> 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We
>>> don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the
>>> building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal
>>> aliens.
>>>
>>> 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no
>>> one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak
>>> is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a
>>> plan?
>>>
>>> "The Statue of Liberty is no longer
>>> saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's
>>> got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
>>>

[Chloe O'brien]

Make that Man the president :D i'll vote for him

[di marco]

lol jodi, those are so funny! :D

[di marco]

Ok whewwwwwwwww I am so happy u guys liked the chilli tasting joke.. i loved it too
But here is something to keep ya'll busy:

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

i used to play that game all the time, i was really good at it! :)

[di marco]

http://www.spicolisbarleybin.com/games/survival.swf

I scored 12 out of 17...

wahoo i got 14, go me! :D

[feelingyellow]

9/17 lol... i'm not the best survivor then lol

[willow]

i got 11/17

[JustJodi]

THE DEER HUNT




1:00 a.m.-Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.-Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 a.m.-Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup.
3:00 a.m.-Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 a.m.-Drive back home like a crazy man!!! and grab gun!!!
3:30 a.m.-Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.-Set up camp-Punch Harry for forgetting tent!!!
4:30 a.m.-Head into woods.
6:05 a.m.-See eight deer...YAY!!!
6:06 a.m.-Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.-CLICK....GRRRRRR!!!
6:08 a.m.-Load gun while watching deer scamper over the hill.
8:00 a.m.-Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.-Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.-Realize you don't know where the campsite is.
Noon-Fire gun for HELP!!!-Eat wild berries while wondering where your idiot friends are.
12:15 p.m.-Ran out of bullets, firing gun looking for HELP!!!-Eight deer came back.
12:20 p.m.-Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.-Realize you ate...POISONED BERRIES!!!
12:35 p.m.-Run around like madman screaming for HELP!!!
12:37 p.m.-Two deers have SEX while you watch in a drugged stupor!!!
12:50 p.m.-RESCUED!!!
1:00 p.m.-Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 p.m.-Arrive back at camp.
3:30 p.m.-Leave camp to KILL DEER!!!
4:00 p.m.-Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 p.m.-Load gun-leave camp again!
5:00 p.m.-Empty gun on squirrel that is bothering you and miss and shoot a skunk!!!
6:00 p.m.-Arrive back at camp, see deer grazing at camp.
6:01 p.m.-LOAD GUN!!!
6:02 p.m.-Fire gun-Hit pickup truck.
6:05 p.m.-Hunting partner returns to camp dragging a deer.
6:06 p.m.-Repressing the strong desire to shoot hunting partner!!!
6:07 p.m.-Throw a ****-fit and fall in the fire!!!
6:10 p.m.-Change clothes, throw burned clothes into fire.
6:15 p.m.-Punch Harry and knee him in the crotch-steal his pickup, leave Harry in the woods with his dead deer.
6:25 p.m.-Pickup truck boils over- hole shot in engine block.
6:26 p.m.-Throw another ****-fit and meet skunk you shot.....
PEEEEEEE-EWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
6:30 P.M.-Start walking.
6:35 p.m.-Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:38 p.m.-Climb tree, slip on tree branch and whack yourself in the crotch!!!...
6:37 to 6:40 p.m.-SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:44 p.m.-Deer come running...hear hunting screaming a mating grunt!!!
6:45 p.m.-Take aim!!!
6:45 p.m.-BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!
6:45-p.m.-Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud!!!
6:46 p.m.-Fall outta tree-land on skunk!!!
6:47 p.m.-Climb back in tree, being careful not to slip this time.
9:00 p.m.-Deer departs, wrap gun around tree.
Midnight-Home at last!!!
12:01 to 6:00 a.m.-Take tomato bath, to get un-skunked.
Sunday-Watch football on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Harry, my ex-hunting partner with very precise instructions as what to do with it.

[JustJodi]

Don't you get annoyed when you feed the birds,,, then this happens:

http://iseenothing.com/avatars/pigeonman.gif

[JustJodi]

:( this jioke has been removed, in order not to offend any one...

[Chloe O'brien]

jodi i love your jokes but i told the one about mujibar a few months ago and got a warning for telling rascist jokes so be careful honey xx

[JustJodi]

Whoops oh dear !!!! Yea now I remember you did .. :( Some times I get so excited and want to post all these funnies and share the giggles I forget to be totally politically correct:(

[JustJodi]

http://img473.imageshack.us/img473/9905/bigladyincapris4mn.jpg (http://imageshack.us/)



I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you!
You'll understand at the end.

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally
-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!