View Full Version : 4 years old with a complex.. help?
Since starting school, my little girl Charley, has a major complex about been pretty.. there is another girl she plays with and she is constantly comparing herself with her.. Everyday she comes home saying this other girl is more beautiful than her, has better clothes, longer hair... I have told her to me she is the most beautiful girl in the world and the clothes don't make you pretty, been nice and helping others...
Can you give me more advise on what more I can do with her?
I think you are doing the right thing already Siobhan, reassurance etc is the best way. I go through this with my 12 yr old - though his problem with his appearance is more to do with the fact that he broke both of his front teeth, and has now only got halves instead of wholes, which have been temporarily capped until he is old enough for real caps. Keep reassuring her like you have been and she should be fine :)
It is just so hard.. everyday the same thing over and over again and i feel I am to blame as I keep telling her she is my princess and so beautiful and now she feels she is not anymore..... She is looking at women on tv and she is say how pretty they look and I tell her that "of course they do, they spend 3 hours in makeup, 3 hours getting their hair done, so they spend ages looking that good but you are beautiful everyday"...
its sooo hard - there are so many pressures on children (and adults for that matter) these days - all the men seem to be getting larger, but all the women are getting slimer and more attractive!!
Do you know if she is like this at school?? Maybe have a word with her teacher - it could be that something is being said to her at school, which is making her feel this way..?? Maybe have a quiet word with her teacher when you pick her up from school ..
Angeltigger
14-11-2005, 10:39
Carry on with telling her she pretty, and say what you say about the women on tv, but i think if you keep saying the same thing over again she will will think you are just saying that so i think each time say something different about her face, her body. But than you don't have to do this if you don't want it (as i think i have only done it with older people)
RealityGap
14-11-2005, 12:09
Siobhan, this must be hard on you - it sounds like she is just looking for some reasurance from her mum, and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job in giving her it
Siobhan, this must be hard on you - it sounds like she is just looking for some reasurance from her mum, and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job in giving her it
It is really hard as it is only with one girl in her school and it never happen before she went to big school.. she has a good friend who is really really beautiful but she never compares herself to her.. I don't understand why she is fixated on this one girl at school.. if I understood that I could help her more..
Maybe have a chat to her teacher Siobhan - if Charley has never had a problem before, there could be something going on with this other girl. The very sad thing is that bullying starts at any age (Ste was bullied in reception for stopping a boy from hitting a girl), so this girl could be saying things to Charley which is making her feel this way. You are doing everything right though, but double check there isn't more to it, which you don't know about :)
Angeltigger
14-11-2005, 13:54
normally the teachers would not know, but Em is right Siobhan ask the teacher if she has seen anything happen.
And at least if the teacher hasn't noticed anything, she can keep an eye on the situation, just to make sure, or she can speak to the assistants/class helpers who may have noticed something....
No.. she is not been bullied by this girl! I know the girl and they play together all the time.. she is in after school with her too. Charley just thinks that she is beautiful, that is what makes this all so weird and it hurts me that she has a complex at this age..
ah, i see - thats really strange then...
To be honest, I think you are doing all you can do then - just keep reassuring her etc
maybe I am doing all I can, just thought I would ask for some help as I don't seem to be getting her to understand. I keep telling her everyday and hopefully she will realise that she is who she is and be happy
Maybe Charley is see the this girl as beautiful because she is really nice. It is important that kids really that beauty comes from within - and that just because someone 'looks beautiful' on TV doesn't mean that they ARE beautiful.
You can only reassure your daughter, and tell her that not only does she look pretty she IS beautiful.
In my experience very young children can usually see this themselves, i.e your daughter likes this girl a lot and therefore sees her a beautiful.
Sounds like you are doing a great job
.:SpIcYsPy:.
14-11-2005, 15:45
When you dress her up (outside school) or do her hair (for school) says she looks like Cinderella or a pretty princess... just really empasise (sp?) how she looks!! Bet she is really gorgeous though!! Bless her :(
.:SpIcYsPy:.
14-11-2005, 15:51
Does her little friend do any outstanding hairstyles compared to your daughter? Maybe when you have some free time while your baby is sleeping you could dress her up (in her clothes) and take some photos and you could try some new hairstyles... try and learn any new ones if you can.. and then try it on her...
Just ask her is she wants to dress up and take photos when you lil baby is sleeping..
I wouldn't advise any make-up play because then she will think she's pretty with make-up when she is actually beautiful at this young age..
When you dress her up or do her hair says she looks like Cinderella or a pretty princess... just really empasise (sp?) how she looks!! Bet she is really gorg though!! Bless her :(
I do.. she is big into disney princess and she has the duvet set with sleeping beauty, snow white and cinderella on it and I always tell her that there is 4 princess in the bed when she gets in.. my mum said that could be the problem as I always say she is a princess and she found someone she think is beautiful and doesn't see herself as a princess anymore..
the thing is she just says this girl is beautiful when she is wearing certain clothes.. it is always about what she wears.. Charley cannot wear tights as she has no bum or hips so I have to put her in trouser a lot, i put her in dresses sometimes with long socks, but this girl wears dresses all the time.. Also Charley gets her hair stuck in plastercine (sp?) and glue at school so I have to tie her hair back but again this girl wears her hair down
I just have to keep reassuring her and hopefully it will be ok. I just think it is very sad that because of how someone looks another should get a complex.. Charley is a beautiful girl.. her hair is White and long and she is always getting free stuff in shops cause she is so cute.. People have stopped me on the street to tell me her hair is beautiful.. I know I am bias, I am her mum but she is beautiful
.:SpIcYsPy:.
14-11-2005, 15:57
And she found someone she think is beautiful and doesn't see herself as a princess anymore..
Maybe from now one you could say she will always be your princess no matter?
Charley cannot wear tights as she has no bum or hips so I have to put her in trouser a lot, i put her in dresses sometimes with long socks, but this girl wears dresses all the time..
Well nowadays there is nice mini skirts for all ages so maybe just put tights underneath and where a nice pretty skirt.
Also Charley gets her hair stuck in plastercine (sp?) and glue at school so I have to tie her hair back but again this girl wears her hair down.
As said before you could try new hairstyles. You could clip her hair back, tie half her hairback, plait the front bits back etc.
I know I am bias, I am her mum but she is beautiful
Aww you are just proud of having such a beautiful daughter and you clearly are a good mother!! Just keep going as you are and see will be fine :)
Just want to say thank to everyone for there advice.. it turns out that the girl is kinda bullying Charley.. she tells her that if she does not give her a sandwich, she won't be her friend!... the girl has her own lunch but she eats Charley's too...
Angeltigger
15-11-2005, 10:35
So does mean that Charley has no lunch as this girl nicks it
So does mean that Charley has no lunch as this girl nicks it
god no.. she takes one of her sandwiches and some of her juice.. i make sure charley has enough going to school but the sad thing was yesterday some other girl, who is a good friend to charley, forgot her lunch box and Charley wanted to share with her but the other girl took the sandwich instead.. I should tell the teacher..
Angeltigger
15-11-2005, 10:44
god no.. she takes one of her sandwiches and some of her juice.. i make sure charley has enough going to school but the sad thing was yesterday some other girl, who is a good friend to charley, forgot her lunch box and Charley wanted to share with her but the other girl took the sandwich instead.. I should tell the teacher..
Yeah you should- if the kinda bully has food than she should eat her own food, they should have lunch for the children who forgot the lunch
Yeah you should- if the kinda bully has food than she should eat her own food, they should have lunch for the children who forgot the lunch
what makes me laugh is that this girl is also in her afterschool group and she is as good as gold, doesn't say anything to charley.. it is just at school and on the bus on the way home.. Charley is a fair child and has a few friends she really like so she gets everyone to sit down the back of the bus so they can all sit together but this girl tells charley that if she sits down the back, she won't be her friend so charley ends up sitting beside her only
Angeltigger
15-11-2005, 11:45
that is just not nice- not at that age...
that is just not nice- not at that age...
not at all and I wonder where is comes from.. At 4 years old you should not be a bully
Angeltigger
15-11-2005, 12:05
Yeah i know and i wonder why she only does it when they are at school- maybe it because there are more children around
It sounds like Charley is a lovely child - you should be very proud.
The child taking her lunch is similar to a problem one of my friends daughter (age 6) has had recently. My friend went to the school amd spoke to the teacher because she felt that her child couldn't do her best in class if she was hungry.
I would speak to the teacher informally as soon as possible.
I will give her teacher a call and ask her to keep an eye on the two of them.. I told charley this morning that if the girl says it to her again to tell her that she has other friends who don't ask for lunch and that if she says she won't be her friend then she will not play with her either...
I also told her to sit where she wants on the school bus and that she has lots of other friend and if the girl was a really friend she would not asks her to choose her over other people...
I will give her teacher a call and ask her to keep an eye on the two of them.. I told charley this morning that if the girl says it to her again to tell her that she has other friends who don't ask for lunch and that if she says she won't be her friend then she will not play with her either...
I also told her to sit where she wants on the school bus and that she has lots of other friend and if the girl was a really friend she would not asks her to choose her over other people...
Good advice
Angeltigger
15-11-2005, 12:51
I will give her teacher a call and ask her to keep an eye on the two of them.. I told charley this morning that if the girl says it to her again to tell her that she has other friends who don't ask for lunch and that if she says she won't be her friend then she will not play with her either...
I also told her to sit where she wants on the school bus and that she has lots of other friend and if the girl was a really friend she would not asks her to choose her over other people...Yep that is right thing to do
At least you know what is being said to Charley though Siobhan, which is great. It isn't what you want happening to her, and maybe this friend isn't so confident at certain times or infront of certain people, which is why she is only like this with Charley at different times. Have a quiet word with the teacher to make him/her aware of the situation, but otherwise, you are doing the best thing a mum can do, support, love and reassurance :D
At least you know what is being said to Charley though Siobhan, which is great. It isn't what you want happening to her, and maybe this friend isn't so confident at certain times or infront of certain people, which is why she is only like this with Charley at different times. Have a quiet word with the teacher to make him/her aware of the situation, but otherwise, you are doing the best thing a mum can do, support, love and reassurance :D
what else can I do.. she is my baby girl :)
And it will never change honey - I'm still the same with Ste and luckily for me, even though he is 12, he still loves giving me a hug etc, even in front of his mates. Its what we are here for :D
.:SpIcYsPy:.
15-11-2005, 15:54
Omg your joking me :angry: Bullying at the age of 4!! :angry:....
I really don't know what to say :angry:
Please do tell the teacher Siobhan... how did you find out?!
xsoftladybugx
15-11-2005, 18:51
Thats really unfair tell her teacher and maybe go and speak to her parents! she shouldnt be allowed to do this!! :angry:
Omg your joking me :angry: Bullying at the age of 4!! :angry:....
I really don't know what to say :angry:
Please do tell the teacher Siobhan... how did you find out?!
Charley has basically told me what has been going on.. I will obviously believe her and will ask her teacher to keep an eye on her with this girl. I have also told charley to tell the girl she has other friend who don't ask for her lunch or to sit with them.. It is getting better, Charley refused to sit with her yesterday but still gave her lunch cause she had enough to eat... She is getting much better and not accepting what the girl is saying to her
Juist by coiincidence my 11 year old was upset yesterday about a boy at school who is his friend. He says that this boy follows him around all the time, and at lunch pushes his other friends off the chair next to him so that he can sit beside my son.
My son has loads of friends and isn't used to this competitive 'best friend' business. I always thought it was only girls
Juist by coiincidence my 11 year old was upset yesterday about a boy at school who is his friend. He says that this boy follows him around all the time, and at lunch pushes his other friends off the chair next to him so that he can sit beside my son.
My son has loads of friends and isn't used to this competitive 'best friend' business. I always thought it was only girls
That is exactly the problem Charley is having.. this give want to have her as her best friend and only her... How is your son handling it?
Not too well, he was quite upset last night. Apparently he doesn't want to hurt his friend - but he is scared that he will loose his other friends. It is really difficult. I told him to say that there is plenty of room for everyone at lunch, but the benches that they eat at have chairs attached and they cannot just pull up another chair.
I think it is quite unpleseant of this boy to pull other children off their chair! And I think that the staff will notice if if goes on much longer!
My son is in the last year of primary (Scotland P7) and will be going to high school in August next year and this boy will be going to a differnt school.
I hope that it will just blow over without anyone getting too upset.
It is very tough on him and he is right. He has other friend and doesn't want to lose them but if this guy is pushing them off the chair it is hard for him.
Does the boy have other friends too?
I would have thought so, there are 27 boys in my sons class and 5 girls. The boys have tended to split into quite large groups of around 7-8.
I just don't understant it.. Why would one child only want a particular person to be a friend and behave like that to the other people. The sad thing is, that child is not going to have your son as a friend if he keeps this up.. Same with Charley, she will not be friend with the girl much longer if she behaves like this all the time
samantha nixon
21-11-2005, 19:59
I think you are doing the right thing already Siobhan, reassurance etc is the best way. I go through this with my 12 yr old - though his problem with his appearance is more to do with the fact that he broke both of his front teeth, and has now only got halves instead of wholes, which have been temporarily capped until he is old enough for real caps. Keep reassuring her like you have been and she should be fine :)
ive chipped my front tooth and i had it capped but it fell of and i never had it recaped but i hate it, but people says it dont notice
ive chipped my front tooth and i had it capped but it fell of and i never had it recaped but i hate it, but people says it dont noticeReally - I know with my lad both front ones are chipped diagonally from the top inside to the bottom outside if that makes sense, so he has a big upside down v when his temp caps fall off or get knocked off in rugby etc. He wants them permanently done, but they dont do that till 16 apparently (just when he has to start paying surprise surprise) so I have told them I want them done a month before his 16th as I am not paying for them, especially as they have been like this since he was 7/8 (literally less than a year after his got his adult teeth through!!)
It is stupid that hospital/doctors make you wait so long.. Charley suffers from Tonsilitis (Sp?) and yet I can only put her name down now on a 4 year waiting list... she has had this since 5 months old but I wasn't allow to even put her name down til she was 4... :angry::angry:
The thing that really annoyed me with Ste, was a couple of months back he knocked the temporary cap off again, so all of the dentine and nerves were exposed, causing him a great deal of pain. We managed to get in to see our dentist, who then had a look and said that we would need to make another appointment to get it temporarily re-capped again. The appointment they gave us was for 2 weeks after that!!! It hurt Ste to breathe, let alone eat or drink, so my mum made an appointment at her private dentist, who saw him the next day and put a temporary cap on it there and then for him (though it did cost £100!!!). I was so annoyed. He has had nothing but trouble with dentists though - he had 8 molars removed under a general on Millenium Eve (they were supposedly rotten, but I have them at home here still and I can tell you they arent!), so we changed dentist and we have now been told he will need a lot of orthodontic work done because of having them all removed!!!!
I had my tonsils out when I was 6 - though back then they used to whip them out pretty quick. I did used to get tonsilitis every couple of weeks though, so had it pretty severe. I know they dont like doing it so much now though and its only in extreme cases, but it sounds like Charley is in definite need of them removing asap too, not in 4 years time. I get so frustrated about it!!
Health care is totally stupid unless you have private insurance... I had one of my back teeth remove by what I can only describe as a butcher... how can they get away with that?????
Its ridiculous - my dentists have been trying to get me to have my wisdom teeth removed for ages because I kept getting recurring absesses, but I refused - not a chance in hell - I'd rather salt water gargle to prevent infection than let them remove them
I guess I am lucky, i get to keep my wisdom teeth but lost the two in front of them....
I don't know how much a doctors visit is over there but in Ireland it is €45 euro just to see a doctor, and then you have to pay for any prescriptions.... that includes just bring a child with a cold...
Crikey - we are really lucky then as it doesn't cost me anything to see my doctor and I only have to pay for prescriptions (though not at the mo cause of being pregnant)
i have not got a dentist at the mo so i am really hoping my teeth stay ok!!!
i can't belive you have to pay to see the doctor, siobhan
I've only got a dentist as its part private (I have to pay though slightly reduced, and the children go free as long as we are treated together). My hubby hasn't got one though. You just can't get one anywhere and I am not driving miles on end just to get someone to look at my teeth. Although I also loathe having to pay for my treatment aswell (even though its less than normal private costs but more than NHS charges)
I couldn't believe Siobhan had to pay to see the docs either Willow - its ridiculous.
I've only got a dentist as its part private (I have to pay though slightly reduced, and the children go free as long as we are treated together). My hubby hasn't got one though. You just can't get one anywhere and I am not driving miles on end just to get someone to look at my teeth. Although I also loathe having to pay for my treatment aswell (even though its less than normal private costs but more than NHS charges)
I couldn't believe Siobhan had to pay to see the docs either Willow - its ridiculous.
we have got 1 nhs dentist in my town, and you have to wait flipping ages to get to see one!!
how come you have to pay in ireland to see the doc??
we have got 1 nhs dentist in my town, and you have to wait flipping ages to get to see one!!
how come you have to pay in ireland to see the doc??
everyone has to pay unless you have a medical card.. only the unemployee, single parent and people on low income don't have to pay.. you can apply but if you are even €1 over the cut of point then you don't qualify
samantha nixon
23-11-2005, 16:45
yeah my tooth isnt capped now as i ate the cap with beans on toast, but i no how you mean it hurt him emz as every now and then my tooth goes all tingly and stuff
I didn't think I would have to open this again but said to say my Daughter (who is 5 next monday) was called ugly on Saturday. She broke down in tears and I said it can't hurt unless it is true and she turned me and said "mammy, I do think I am ugly and stupid and fat". What can I do??? I seriously need help on this
So far I am praising her lots for everything she is doing and I am playing a game with her called "what is nice about me" where everyday we say what we like about ourselves. I hope going back to school will give her more confidence in herself. I am probably very bias but she is far from ugly and she is very smart. she started school at 3 (she is in her second year now)
Any advice please? from anyone, if you had a situation like this or if you felt like this how did you overcome it?
.:SpIcYsPy:.
04-09-2006, 13:09
Omg!! Who said such a horrid thing to her?! :eek: :angry:
The idea I had when I read you post was the game you were talking about...
Shall come back to you.. this is hard :( Sorry
EDIT: Just saw a pic of Charley and Ben at Christmas.. omg she's ever so beautiful!! Her hair looks so straight and silky... WOW!! She got such lovely eyes too!! + Ben.. bless :p
X~xLaylax~X
24-10-2006, 16:32
i think you should try to get out of her what she dislikes about herself and then work on those features . everyone dislikes something about themself espesially in school years as there are plenty of people who are the same age as you who could possably be a litle prettyer ! no body is perfect and even the most beautiful people int he world hate the way they look . juts keep giving her complament on her clothes , her hair and every now and again take her out n lat her pick a new nice top to make her feel better . she is probably very beautiful !if she says she doesnt like her hair compare her hair to her favorite disney charactors , im shure that will work !
thanks Laylax.. She seems to be fine now.. her complex kinda faded when her little brother pointed to Barbie and called her name... she was so excited that her brother thought she looked like barbie and she seems fine. I am sure this will come up again, I just have to be strong and keep praising her
X~xLaylax~X
24-10-2006, 21:43
thanks Laylax.. She seems to be fine now.. her complex kinda faded when her little brother pointed to Barbie and called her name... she was so excited that her brother thought she looked like barbie and she seems fine. I am sure this will come up again, I just have to be strong and keep praising her aww bless ! its good to hear she has got over it , especially at her age ! just compare her to barbie and she should be fine lol
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