View Full Version : First Script_ Eastenders- comedy version
This is my first script, so it's probably not very good. It's a comedy version of the EastEnders episodes shown on BBC 1, although I will do some UKTV gold ones if I have time. Replies appriciated.
Friday, October 28th,2005.
(The Arches)
Ian is on the phone to an interviewee when Phil walks in.
PHIL: Stolen Harry Potter's invisibility cloak have you?
Ian turns rouns in shock.
IAN: Aaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh Phil. No I haven't stolen Harry Potter's invisibility cloak for your information.
PHIL: Well I dont see Garry and Minty around here anywhere.
IAN: They don't work here anymore.
PHIL: So you've got cars to fix and no mechanics to fix them.... Are you expecting the fairies to fix the cars or something?
IAN: No, Im interviewing.
PHIL: Yeah, and im the new prime minister.
Phil laughs as he leaves and spies an recruitment poster nearby. 'Experienced mechanics required', Experienced wallys more like.
(Behind a market stall).
SHARON: What do you want Peggy?
PEGGY: I want my daughter back.
SHARON: So you still expect me to go and associate with the tweenie who killed my father.
PEGGY: At least go and hear what she has to say.
(Cafe).
TINA: Im losing Johnny Pat.
Pat: Well, well, well, where have I heard that before.
TINA: He doesn't love me Pat.
PAT: Well thats his problem then.
(Phil and Grant's car).
SHARON: Blimey Phil, you could have easily ran me over. You should have stayed in prison on a reckless driving charge.
GRANT: Thanks for coming Sharon.
SHARON: You really think i'd go and visit if I had the choice. You two haven't left me any choice.
(Prison).
SAM: Sharon-
SHARON: Why did you kill my dad?
SAM: It was CCCCCCChhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiissssssssssiiiiiiiee eeeeee
SHARON: So you keep saying but I still don't believe a word that you say, It's all a load of cobblers.
SAM: Sharon listen-
SHARON: Chrissie was at the Slaters.
SAM: Nooooooo, We were all at the Vic, Den came back, he was acting like a crazed psycopath, he started using Chrissie as money to feed the fruit machine.
SHARON: So you decided to smash his skull in....
SAM: No, Zoe hit him.
SHARON: So now your blaming Zoe, no wonder your in here, you change your story more times than I change my knickers!
SAM: Sharon-, he wasn't dead. He pulled Chrissie back by the leg and thats when she killed your dad Sharon.
SHARON: Youre the one who did your own version of time team. YOU KILLED MY FATHER.
SAM: It was CHRISSIE! She said that she wasn't the first woman in his life and she was definately going to be the last.
SHARON: Bet ya had a right good laugh cooking that one up, didn't ya Sam. A*, NOT!
SAM: Sharon she said it because she's a jealous cow.
SHARON: Well if she was she would be living on a farm Sam, and the Vic doesn't look like any farm ive ever seen.
SAM: She's jealous of you Sharon.
SHARON: What planet are you living on Sam?, why the hell would she be jealous of me?
SAM: Because you always came first in Den's life.
SHARON: No she'd never say that.
SAM: Well if she's so squeaky clean why did she give me money?
SHARON: Wtf :eek:
SAM: A cheque for £1000, on March 10th, You can at least check the accounts Sharon.
SHARON: Found your diary since youve been in here have you Sam? I will check the accounts to prove that youre a lying b***h.
SAM: And then a week later she gave me more money.
SHARON: So, March 17th, I can check that one aswell can I Sam?
SAM: No, that time she gave me cash because she'd ran out of cheques in her cheque book.
SHARON: See, I knew you were lying, you killed my dad and I hope you rot in hell. Goodbye, murderer.
(Upstairs in the Vic, Sharon is checking the accounts).
March 10th, 2005: Personal Cheque..... £1000.00
Chrissie: Hem, Hem, Looking for something?
Sharon jumped.
Sharon: Ummmmmm, no I was just wondering what your handwriting looked like.
Chrissie: Don't play me for a fool Sharon, Youve been listening to pinochio, haven't you.
Sharon hesitated.
CHRISSIE: HAVEN'T YOU.
SHARON: Yes :crying:
SHARON: Did you kill my Dad Chrissie?
CHRISSIE: No, I wouldn't do such a thing, I loved him, but you always came first in his life *feigns tears*
SHARON: *OMG, she killed my Dad*, Must dash, I said I'd meet Dennis.
CHRISSIE: He's in the bathroom Sharon.
SHARON: Well, I've got other people to see aswell. *Leaves*
The Mitchell brothers come into the bar as Dennis comes down the stairs.
PHIL: Sharon get back ok did she.
DENNIS: She's been here all afternoon.
PHIL: Really? Well I didn't think this place was the prison.
DENNIS: WTF :confused:
Phil and Grant leave.
SHARON: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt. I know Chrissie killed my Dad.
Monday October 31, 2005.
(Upstairs in the Vic)
Sharon: Dennis is still in a mood with me, I’ll just call him and then everything in the garden will be rosy. I’ve left the door open if you want to come and listen in Chrissie.
(The bookies)
Pat walks in. Dennis is sat at one of the tables, phone ringing.
Pat: Dennis, what the hell are you doing here?
Dennis: It’s my bookies; I can come here early if I want.
Pat: You mean late….
Dennis: Just keep your nose out; I don’t expect to find my employees snooping in my business.
Pat: Ok Dennis, no need to get out your pram, but it’s not exactly five star accommodation.
Dennis: Are you deaf? If anyone asks, im not here he bellowed.
(Upstairs in the Vic)
Chrissie: Blimey Sharon, didn’t anyone ever tell you not to hide in corners.
Chrissie: Fancy some breakfast?
Sharon: Not from you thankyou.
Sharon: Sorry Chrissie, it’s just a bad day for me today. Three years ago, my ex fiancé got blown up because of some psychopath.
Chrissie: Im sorry, I didn’t realise.
Sharon: Why would you, hardly anyone does.
Chrissie: Would Dennis like any breakfast then?
Sharon: He’s not here.
Chrissie: Left you already has he? Told you Watts men couldn’t stay in one place. So who’s the lucky lady this time? Dot, Pauline, Mo, Yolande?
Sharon: Just shut the hell up you murderous b***h!
(The Millers’)
Dawn: So what have you got Aleesha then Keith?
Keith: That will take a while to think about….
Dawn: For god’s sake, don’t you ever get off your fat backside.
Keith: Enough of that young lady, you don’t talk to your parents like that, no matter how old you are.
Dawn: You aint my dad Keith.
She leaves.
(The Slaters’ stall)
Ruby: What now?
Tina: Don’t be like that Ruby.
Ruby: Well? Or am I supposed to guess?
Tina: We’ve got some good news.
Ruby: You’re pregnant.
Tina: No, No nothing like that. We’re getting married.
Ruby: Well number one im not God and number two I don’t want to be your bridesmaid, I want nothing to do with this, nothing.
(The café)
Sharon: Speak up a bit so that Chrissie and Jake can hear if they come in. I can’t be secretive.
Phil: So, how is Cruella de Vil doing anyway?
Sharon: Don’t ask, all you need to know is that I want to smash her skull in every time I see her, like she did to my dad, and see how she likes it.
Grant: How’s the husband?
Sharon: He has got a name.
Grant: Ok, ok, who rattled your cage? How’s Dennis?
Sharon: Like you care, but if you must know, he didn’t come home last night.
Phil: Tut tut, naughty naughty.
Sharon: What do you want then? Im assuming you didn’t come here to discuss my marriage.
Grant: We need you to sort that Slater kid out, Stacey is it?
Sharon: Why?
Grant: Because the writers said so.
Sharon: Whatever.
Phil and Grant leave, whilst Sharon grabs a seat near Stacey.
(Upstairs in the Vic)
Jake: Sharon’s been talking to Tweedledee and Tweedledum.
Chrissie: She’s bound to if she’s they’re in her face all the time.
Jake: It all looked a bit dodgy if you ask me…
Chrissie: Look Jake, I told you, she’s certain that Sam killed Den.
Jake: Just make sure it stays that way until the money changes hands and were out of this dump.
Chrissie: Well if she is stupid enough to look snoop through my accounts right under my nose, she’s not exactly going to figure anything out is she? What exactly do you want me to do? Lock her in a convent so the Mitchell’s can’t get to her?
Jake leaves.
(Pat’s house)
Kat: Out my way, marriage wreaker.
She enters the living room.
Kat: You listen and you listen good.
Either you both stay away from Stacey or I will snap your skulls.
Phil and Grant: Oooooh, we’re terrified, NOT!!
Peggy looked as if she was about to retort.
Kat: Save it Peggy.
(Café)
Tina: Hi
Ruby: Not again, have you got an obsession with me or something? I told you, im not interested.
Tina: *Show’s her hand to Ruby* Im not putting it back on until I have your blessing.
Ruby: Well you will be waiting an awfully long time then.
Tina tries to get Ruby to make up with Johnny.
Ruby: Don’t darling me and shove off!
Tina: Alright, but please Ruby, go and see him, for your sake.
Tina leaves.
Ruby: Yipppeeeeeee! She’s gone, finally!
(Upstairs in the Vic)
Sharon: Hi babe.
Dennis: Don’t get your hopes up, im not Grunt.
Sharon: Dennis…….
Dennis: You stick with the teletubbies and I’ll stick with myself. It’s better that way.
Sharon: Dennis please don’t leave me like this, we’re married.
Dennis: I married someone else, If you see her, tell her I said hello.
(Outside Johnny’s Office)
Ruby hears noises and opens the door.
Ruby: :eek: Ewwwwwwwww. Revolting! :sick:
Ruby: I think I’ll just leave the door open, incase Tina comes.
Jake and Chrissie enter Scarlet.
Chrissie confesses and cries to Jake.
Johnny takes Jake and Chrissie into his office, and then demands that Jake leave.
Office: Oh no, not another brunette in here, the chair and table will collapse at this rate.
Johnny threatens Chrissie.
Johnny: Now, shoo.
Johnny watches CCTV.
Johnny. Tee hee hee. Your days are numbered, Chrissie Watts. Im gonna bring you down, you’ve just thrown away the key to your own prison cell. Ha ha ha.
Chloe-Elise
01-11-2005, 16:10
Brilliant :D Its great,more soon please :)
I will try to get tonights episode up sometime tonight or tomorrow.
big bro fan
01-11-2005, 16:30
well done thats well good
this is brill. please post more soon.
I have other parts written out, I will post them when I can.
big bro fan
05-11-2005, 11:18
please post more soon
Tuesday, November 1, 2005.
(Allen House)
Johnny: Are you losing your marbles or something? You said my daughter would be coming over to the club.
Tina: She said she was going to the club now get off my case.
Johnny: Where the hell is my coffee woman? You do have your uses.
Tina: Are you blind? It’s right in front of you.
Johnny: Urrrrgh. You forgot to put coffee in this you silly old cow. It’s official, Tina Stewart really is losing her marbles.
Tina: Just call her Johnny.
Johnny: What the hell do you know about kids? Maybe you should learn how to write a shopping list and make a decent cup of coffee. It’s manky at the best of times.
(The Millers)
Dawn: Keith, OMG, I nearly fainted, for once your not sat in front of the poxy TV. I’m taking Mum out for the day.
Keith: When are you going to be back?
Dawn: Why, scared of being on your own for a few hours.
Keith: No, course not.
Rosie enters.
Rosie: Dawn I’m ready.
Dawn: Well you will look better than that when we get back.
Rosie: I need to be back for Darren and Demi’s tea.
Dawn: Keith will do that, won’t you? Seeing as your not glued to that armchair for once.
Before Keith could answer, Rosie and Dawn had left the room. Dawn looked at Keith, he had an expression on his face that said ‘what me?’
Dawn: Well I’m sure even you are not stupid enough to blow the house up, even if you do start a fire…. And If you get bored you could always find a hairbrush.
(Upstairs in the Vic.)
Chrissie: Sharon, Jake and I are popping out for a bit.
Sharon: Like I care what you do.
Chrissie: Are you going to be alright on your own, what with Phil and Grant being around.
Sharon: Well they’re less dangerous than you, they don’t go round killing people.
(The Slater’s.)
Tina: Ruby, why didn’t you see your father, he’s really upset.
Ruby: My heart bleeds. I DID go to the club and see him, all the good it did me.
Tina: Johnny said you didn’t go to the club.
Ruby: I did but he didn’t see me, he was too busy.
Tina: Never.
Ruby: Too busy snogging that new barmaid of his.
Tina: He wouldn’t do that to me.
Ruby: Why not? He did it to my mother for 10 years, 10 years.
Pat is going into work when Dennis comes out of the bookies.
Pat: Oh look what the cat dragged out! If you’re planning on staying here much longer you may aswell have a house warming party.
Dennis: I don’t need any stupid comments from anyone Pat, least of all you. I had a gut full yesterday WORK, NOW!
Pat: Alright Mr Bossy Boots.
(The Slater’s)
Ruby: Tina where are you going?
Tina: I want to hear the truth from the lying scumbag himself.
(The Club)
Johnny is in his office snogging Amy when he spies Tina coming in on the CCTV.
Johnny: Oh great, here she comes again, the nag of the century.
Amy: Oh noooo, she spoiled the moment.
Amy leaves as Tina enters.
Tina: Drop the tissue, It’s pretty darn obvious that your wiping that tart’s lipstick off your face. You lying, cheating scumbag.
Johnny: What is this?
Tina: Like you don’t know b*****d.
(The Vic)
Phil is upstairs looking through Chrissie’s things.
Rosie: You’ve seen your father???
Dawn: I just told you, Mickey and me saw him in France.
Rosie: The pair of you saw him and you never said nothing.
Dawn: Well, yeah, it’s not a big deal.
Rosie: Not a big deal? Your father is a lying waste of space.
Dawn: Keep your hair on Mum, I’ll be back in a minute.
Sharon brings over Dawn’s credit card and receipt.
Sharon: Dawn needs to sign this.
Dawn comes out of the toilet.
Rosie: Saw your father, looks like more than that…, Miss Dawn Swann.
Dawn: I just needed extra credit Mum.
Rosie: Spare me the cobblers.
Dawn: It’s just a name on a piece of plastic, It’s not like I want to emigrate with him.
Phil comes down into the bar.
Phil: Nothing.
Grant: What, squeaky clean?
Phil: Well that’s what I just said Dumbo.
Phil leaves.
(Outside Café)
Phil: Scared of a dog Ian, Blimey, what is the world coming to?
(The Vic)
Sharon: Grant….. What ya keep saying about me having kids….. It’s never going to happen.
Grant: Anything can happen.
Sharon: No it can’t. Once I had an abortion,,,, things went wrong and now I’m infertile.
Grant: I don’t know why you’re telling me this Sharon.
Sharon:….. It was yours.
Grant: It…. My baby WTF???
Sharon: Whey, he hasn’t killed me tee hee.
(The Allen’s)
Johnny: Wha….., another bag packing scene, and there was me thinking that a man was supposed to arrive home and find his dinner on the table!
Tina: Exactly, You’re not a man, you’re skum.
Johnny tries to attack Tina.
Ruby: Eeeeekk, Nooooooooo.
(Tina leaves in a cab)
Me: At this rate, all the cabs in London will break down.
Johnny: Ruby come to Daddy.
Ruby: I don’t want you. You’re evil, twisted, a murderer and a fake.
Johnny: Ruby I’m your Dad.
Stacey: Get away from her you creep.
Johnny: Boo hoo.
Grant: So you’ve lost your bird and your daughter, you really do know how to treat a woman, NOT!!! Ha ha ha.
Dennis: Hey friend, come and join the anti Mitchell brigade.
Bush: He’s not a dog, tee hee.
Thursday, November 3, 2005.
Dennis walks over to Johnny, who is sitting on Arthur’s bench, and sits down next to him.
Johnny: What’s the masterplan then?
(Outside the car lot)
Patrick: Tee hee hee, my pride and joy.
Yolande: What, with no cars to sell?
Dennis gets up off of Arthur’s bench and begins to walk away.
Johnny: Where are you going?
Dennis: To kill them….
Johnny: That would be going down to their level.
Dennis: Oh, like you’ve never killed anyone.
Dennis attempts to walk away.
Johnny: Dennis, keep close to Grant, find your moment.
(The Vic)
Chrissie: Sharon, who are you talking to?
Sharon: Rosie.
Chrissie: Sounded like Grant to me.
Sharon: So why bother asking then?
Peggy walks in to the minute-mart, where Stacey is working, closely followed by Grant, and then Kat.
Kat: Get the hell out of here Peggy.
Grant: Well, well, well, what’s going on here then?
Kat: Oh, look Peggy, precious son to the rescue again. You can do one aswell.
Grant looks as if he is about to start trouble.
Peggy: Leave it Grant.
Grant: I’m not leaving you here with that. *Gesturing towards Kat.*
Stacey: Right, get out, get out, get out.
Grant: Oooooh, feisty…..
Later, in the café.
In walks Phil.
Grant: I just got a free breakfast from that lovely Ian Beale.
Phil: Allen’s got a spy onto you.
Grant is just about to reply when Dennis interrupts.
Dennis: I heard Sharon was the love of your lives.
Grant and Phil: We haven’t got time for this.
Dennis: So much for Johnny’s master plan. Humph… *Stamps foot and leaves.*
(Pat’s house)
Grant: So are we gonna go and sort that Allen thing out yet, he’s like smelly feet.
Phil: Yeah, your smelly feet tee hee. We are not going to see Johnny Allen.
Grant: B b b
Phil butts in.
Phil: Struggling with your alphabet Grant.
Grant: But it was your idea.
Phil: GRANT, drop it.
Grant: Waa Waa Waa.
(Arthurs Bench)
Bench: Im popular for once, yippee.
Grant: Oi, I want a word Rickman.
Dennis: Oh, Hi Grant, I thought it was Kat Slater coming for a minute there.
Dennis: You want a word or what Grunt?
Grant: Are you scared or something.
Dennis: You wish.
Dennis and Grant are approaching the Arches.
Grant: Shooooo, I need a word with Dennis here.
Garry: Is Dennis invisible or something?
Grant turns round, fiercely.
Grant: DENNIS.
Dennis: Oh sorry Grant, I had to turn round and pick up 1p that I dropped on the way here.
Grant: 1p, big deal… ha ha.
Dennis: It was for Sharon.
Grant: She’s worth more than that.
Dennis: She has always wanted a shiny 1p.
Grant manages to persuade Garry and Minty to go to the Vic for a pint and Dennis and Grant go into the arches and close the door behind them.
Me: Well at least someone in the whole of Walford bothers to close doors behind them.
Grant: Sharon deserves better than what she’s getting from you.
Dennis: Well at least I’ve never got her best mate pregnant.
Grant: WTF????!!!!!!
Dennis: Sorry, don’t know what came over me.
Grant: *Some line of rubbish*.
Dennis: Blah, blah, blah. I know better than to take relationship advice from my wives’ exes who get her best mate pregnant.
Grant: Tiffany wasn’t her mate, let alone her best mate, so I don’t know what the heck you’re on about Dennis.
Dennis: *Oh s**t, slipped out again.* Uuuuummm, No, me neither.
Kat and Ruby arrive at the Slater house after a day on the market stall and head upstairs to get changed.
Stacey: While you’re both upstairs getting changed, I’m just going to do a vanishing act.
(The Vic)
In come the Mitchells, led by Peggy.
Chrissie: Oh marvellous.
Sharon: Got a problem with their being here?
Chrissie: No.
Sharon: Good.
Later, Dennis comes into the bar.
Chrissie: Remembered where the place is then Dennis. I was going to get Jake to bring you a map.
Dennis: Shut it murderer.
Chrissie: Hey, I’m getting the impression that they don’t like me.
Dennis: *To Grant* Can I buy you a drink?
Grant: Yes, but without any arsenic please.
Dennis: *Turns to Sharon* I’m sorry.
Sharon: I’m sorry too.
Dennis: Life’s no good without you, I love you, Sharon. Can I come home?
Chrissie: *Interrupts* I’d welcome you back with closed arms.
Sharon: Of course you can, It’s your home.
Chrissie: Is not.
Me: Is too.
Dennis jumps over the bar and kisses Sharon.
Bar: OMG, my friends table and chair had this a few days ago, there will be no furniture left standing in Walford soon.
CCTV Camera: EEEwwwww, Revolting.
Peggy: I didn’t think this was Lovers Lane or am I going potty at my old age?
Peggy: Can we concentrate on getting Sam out please, not obtaining the world record for the longest snog.
Dennis: I’ve just broken Stacey’s alibi, Chrissie’s going down.
Billy: *Ooooh, my chance to get a line*: She can like totally hear what your saying.
Chrissie: Why is everyone looking at me like that? :confused:
This is fab stuff, i love the comedy scripts! More soon x
Friday, November 5, 2005.
(The Slater’s)
Kat: Ruby, Stacey, get a move on, I’m the lazy one in this house.
Ruby comes out of her and Stacey’s bedroom.
Kat: Dad really should get that door seeing to, someone’s gonna get hurt with it opening that way.
Ruby: Never mind the poxy door, what about Stacey.
Ruby: Ooooooppppsss, sorry, I’m too posh to be using language like that.
Kat: Have I um missed something here.
Ruby: Stacey never came home last night.
Kat: Im gonna ruddy kill those Mitchells.
Ruby: *Yawning* What?
Kat: Nothing.
(Downstairs)
Big Mo: What is this? Have you two transformed into hamsters or something.
Kat: Stacey didn’t come home last night.
Big Mo: The dirty stop out.
Kat calls round at Pat’s house and Billy opens the door.
Billy: Blimey, twice in one week, so is it me, Phil or Grant you’ve got a crush on?
Kat: Shove off Billy.
Billy: What is it with people telling me to shove off? Bleh.
(Kat walks into the kitchen, where Phil and Grant are stood ‘looking ard’.)
Kat: Right, what have you done with her?
Grant: Who?
Kat: Stacey, as if you didn’t know.
Phil: We haven’t done anything with her.
Kat: Do I look blonde?
Grant: No, but the truth is we haven’t done anything with her.
(The Vic)
Big Mo: Right, you murderous b***h, what have you done with my great-great neice?
Chrissie: Spare me the family biology, you never know when pervert uncles are going to pop up.
Big Mo: You poisonous b***h, If you’ve done anything to Stacey, it wont be prison you’re heading to, it will be hell….
Big Mo leaves.
Chrissie: Jaaaake we have to get out of here today.
Jake: Ok.
Sharon: Dennis, Stacey’s done a runner.
Dennis: Oh, hell.
Grant, Phil and Dennis approach Ruby while she is working on the stall.
Grant: Where’s Stacey?
Ruby: Dunno.
Grant: Where is she?
Ruby: I said I don’t know where Stacey is, or are you as dumb as you look?
Dennis: Leave it, come on.
Ruby and Stacey meet at the allotments.
Ruby: Stace, have you been here all night?
Stacey: Nah, I went up west at midnight, what do you think?
Ruby: Alright.
Dennis enters.
Stacey: Oh look, visitor number two, I aint in hospital you know.
Dennis: Stacey, we can do this the easy way, we can do this the hard way, I really don’t care.
Stacey: Save your breath.
Stacey tries to run, but she is caught by Grant, and Ruby by Phil.
Phil and Grant: Aaawww, sack of spuds.
(The Slater’s)
The police knock on the door.
Stacey: Oh s**t, exactly who I don’t want to see.
Kat opens the door.
PO: We would like a word with Stacey Slater please.
(Upstairs in the Vic)
Sharon: Chrissie can I come in?
Chrissie: No, I’m getting changed Sharon.
Sharon: Finalising your escape route more like.
(Out in the Square)
PO: Mrs Watts.
Chrissie: Oh f**k they do choose their moments, I was just about to do a runner.
Later:
Chrissie: Right, second time lucky.
Me: Really?
Sharon: Dennis, the murderer’s done a runner.
Dennis: What is it with today and people doing a runner?
(The tube)
Chrissie: Jake, please tell me we’re still going.
Jake: Johnny’s got your confession on tape.
Chrissie: WTF!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: If we go now he’ll call the police.
Chrissie: Oh f**k.
Jake: I will sort it.
(Scarlet)
Billy: Sorry about this morning John.
Johnny: That’s ok.
Billy: *Whey, I’m getting off lightly.* Nice picture of Chrissie smeared all over your Tv screen John.
Johnny: I asked you over here to offer you you’re old job back.
Billy: You wont regret it.
Johnny’s phone rings.
Johnny: I will be right back Billy.*leaves*
Billy: Ace tape, I will be fave Mitchell now tee hee.
Johnny: *Comes back into his office* My manager has just returned.
Billy: Well can’t you go and tell him the position has been filled? *I want that tape*
Johnny: Goodbye Billy, nice try.
(Pat’s house)
Billy: Allen’s got a tape of Chrissie confessing.
Phil: Grant, it looks like we’re gonna have to pay Mr Allen another visit, and ‘crack eads’ as you say.
Grant: Yippee Yeh yeh yeh *dances round the kitchen*.
Phil: Grant, what are you doing?
Grant: Oh, Ignore me.
Phil: Well come on then, we need to watch that tape and then hand it to the old bill.
Billy: Wha… b bu but it’s rated 45.
Phil and Grant: Shut it Billy.
Billy: Boo hoo, I want my mummy waa waa waa.
Grant and Phil: Awwww bless, Billy's lost his dummy.
Sorry, there will be no comedy episode for this monday until Sunday 13th November as I had to tape the episode and there is no sound on my tape.
Chloe-Elise
08-11-2005, 19:16
Hehe its brilliant :lol: More soon please :D
I will try to get tonights episode up later tonight or tomorrow.
Sorry about the delay, should have more up tomorrow, had a lot of tests and homework in the last week:(
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005.
(Upstairs in the Vic)
Grant: Well she's cleaned the safe out.
Sharon: What?
Grant: Oh for gods sake, do I have to spell it out for you? What are you, a nursery school child? S H E H A S C L E A N E D T H E S A F E O U T!
Phil: When did you last see her exactly?
Sharon: 5, 10 minutes ago.
Dennis: What is all this?
Phil: Some questions.
Sharon: Whatever. Will either Laurel or Hardy please tell me WTF is going on?
Phil: Chrissie's confession, chapter and verse.
Sharon: So you asked the local vicar if Chrissie killed my dad did you?
Phil: No. *Hands the tape to Sharon*.
Dennis: What? You've actually got her confessing on tape?
Phil: Nah, we've got her confessing on DVD, that's why we're giving you a tape. You're cleaver aren't you.
Grant: Sharon, call the police, we've got her.
*Phil, Grant and Dennis leave*
Sharon: Ummmm, I think I'll just watch the tape first, I haven't been to the cinema in ages, not like calling the police is important or anything.
(Beale's house)
Phil: Handed Chrissie her blood money yet?
Jane: WTF???????????!!!!!!!! :eek:
Phil: Ooooh, Ian, Ian, Ian. It's not very clever to keep secrets from your girlfriend.
Ian: What the hell do you know? You've lost three wives, all your many birds and both your children.
Phil: He's been plotting to buy the Vic for ages, the little weasel.
By the way, Billy here will keep you company.
Ian: There is no room at the Inn.
Phil: He's mental.
(The Moon's)
*Grant and Dennis storm in*
Alfie: Urrrr, I didn't remember this being your house.
Nana: Ooooo, more visitors. We are popular Alfie.
Dennis: I'ts only a flying visit and we are accompinied by none of the Slater Girls so you can keep your pants on.
Alfie: What on earth are you planning to do? Deafen my Nana?
Grant: Ice cold. We're trying to find out where the murderous b***h and your cousin Jake are.
Dennis: Anbd don't even think about not telling us.
Alfie: They were here for a second.
Dennis: So they've hired a rocket for their escape have they?
Nana: *Um, should I tell them or not* They did make a phone call.
*Grant is checking the phone*
Grant: A cab firm.
Dennis: There's loads in London. Maybe you'd like to narrow it down a bit?
Grant: Perry's car services.
Dennis: So for once someone round here isn't using a black cab to make their grand exit.
*Grant and Dennis leave*
*Jake and Chrissie come down the stairs in the Moon household*
Jake: Thanks.
Alfie: I should hope so. Covering for murderers and their boyfriends certainly isn't my favourite pastime.
(In the square)
Peggy: What's all this about.
Grant: Chrissie and Co doing a bunk.
Peggy: Nooooo, I want Saaaam.
Grant: Keep your hair on mum, we've got her on tape confessing to everything, remember?
(Scarlett)
Johnny: Are you alright darling? Have you lost your voice? You're not saying anything.
Ruby: There's no need to state the obvious Dad.
Johnny: Just tell me if you're ok Ruby.
Ruby: Im fine.
(The Moon's)
Jake: I need money.
Alfie: Don't look at me.
(Out in the square)
*Johnny and Ruby are walking home*
Stacey: Poop, i'm beginning to wish I hadn't said anything now.
(The Beale's)
Jane: Why didn't you tell me?
Ian: I had to keep quiet.
Jane: I'm not your ruddy bully of a step-father Ian.
Ian: I know love, this was my chance, all I need is for Chrissie to sign on the dotted line.
Jane: Right. *Kicks Billy* I needed a new punch bag anyway.
Ian: Nice one love, but that's not aikido.
Jane: What is it with you and aikido? Don't answer that, go and find Chrissie.
(The Moon's)
Jake: Bye Alfie.
Alfie: That's a bit rude, leaving without saying goodbye to Nana. And people talk about respecting your elders.
Jake: I haven't got time.
Alfie: Neither has she, she's dying you i***t.
Jake: And so will I be if Chrissie and I dont get away.
(The Vic)
Kat: Leave Zoe out of this please Peggy.
Peggy: Don't turn on the water works Kat.
(The Cafe)
Chrissie: Who do you think I am? Keith Miller?
Ian: No, a murderer who needs cash fast.
(In the cab)
Chrissie: Wo, I nearly went through the front windowscreen.
Chrissie: Trying to commit suicide Kat?
Kat: Keep Zoe out of this.
Chrissie: What is it with her and the line 'keep Zoe out of this'?
Patrick: Going somewhere?
Chrissie: I'll tell you that me and Jake are off for a few days to have coffee and croissants for breakfast but what I really mean is we are doing a runner.
(The Airport)
Jake: I'm going to get some money changed.
Chrissie: *Looks into her crystal ball* Get back before the police arrive.
Jake: Whey, the old bill walked straight past me.
Chrissie: We are free. Yippeee.
Sharon: Not so fast, take this you murderous cow. * slaps Chrissie*
Chrissie: Where am I?
Police officer: Chrissie Watts I'm arresting you for the murder of Den Watts.
Chrissie: Yay! But, that arrest wasn't very professional, my full name is Christine Watts and Den's is, I mean was, Dennis Watts.
Jake: What planet is she on? Planet upside-down by the sounds of it.
crazy_purple
15-11-2005, 22:08
Stacey: Poop, i'm beginning to wish I hadn't said anything now.
:D I like that bit
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005.
(The court)
Frank: Ello babe.
Pat: Roy?? Oh, silly me, I forgot he died more than two years ago now, must be my age.
Pat: Frank wtf you doing ere.
Frank: Well it is my daughters' trial and I don't mean to be rude or anything but you should really go back to school and learn some standard English.
Pat: Cheers for the advice babe, it's most appriciated. Wait- wtf am I going on about?
Frank: Pat, babe, pretty please could you update me on what's been going on?
Pat: I'm not a news reporter Frank.
(In a bar)
Pat: Well where shall I start?
Frank: Did Janine really kill that girl?
Pat: No she didn't kill Laura she killed her husband, I mean yes she did kill Laura.
Frank: Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor babe?
Pat: No I don't. You do, though I'm not exactly sure that a doctor will be able to cure you of your excessive use of the word 'babe'.
Frank:.....Right.
(The prison)
Lawyer: Your bail has been approved at 25k.
Chrissie: Erm....
Lawyer: Is there a problem Mrs Watts.
Chrissie: Don't you dare call me by that name.
Ahem, and Mr Moon has LOST my bail money.
Lawyer: Ookay....
Chrissie: I want the whole of Walford at my trial to show the jury how evil Den was.
Lawyer: You're a bit greedy are you not.
Chrissie: And I want Sharon as my star witness, she must testify *evil grin*.
(At Jean's house)
Stacey: Hi Nanny, mum thinks your common, you're being here is not going to help her. *Mo hands her money* Oooh, money, money, money, thanks. Get out plzkthankz.
Mo: Ok Stace, keep your hair on, and no, you do not make a good Abba soundalike. Bubi Jean.
Jean: Yayyyyyy. And don't come back or else.
Mo: Ooooo, Im terrified....
Later.
Stacey: Mum, I'm not beong funny or anything but, you stink.
Jean: Thanks, It's my new perfume.
Stacey: ............
(Frank's hotel room)
Frank: Pat, stay.
Audience: Now, where did I leave my TV remote?
Frank: Pat, how many chances are we going to get.
Me: The fewer the better.
Audience: Where is the off button on this remote.
*Frank and Pat snog*
The audience all faint and will be unable to watch the next episode due to explicit Parank content. Parank, uurrrghhh.
Me: *Runs to bathroom and does exactly what Sharon did in September 2003*
I only caught the last few minutes of monday's eppy, but here's the comedy anyway.
(Allen House)
Johnny enters and hears noises coming from in his living room.
Johnny: Yay! I get to have some fun with that Juley character, wait, he's deflowered my baby boo hoo.
Johnny: *Opens the door of the living room* Fancy a threesome cool dudes? Wait, wtf, where is Ruby?
Ruby: *enters* Hi Daddy, I'm not a virgin anymore *dances*
Johnny: Awwww, congratulations, wait, what am I on.
Ruby: Erm, alcohol?
Johnny: You're to smart Ruby.
Stacey: I knew that before she did, how come she's the one with 5 A* GCSE grades?
Johnny: Cos you never took any exams.
Johnny: Anyway darling, would you please repeat what you said when I first came in? I don't think I heard you correctly.
Ruby: Kettle. *Goes to leave*
Johnny: Daughter dearest, I don't believe that is what you said. I know everything tee hee. Just call me super Johnny. *Leaves*
Ruby:...... Such a creep.
Friday 16th December 2005.
(The Fowlers')
Pauline: *Comes downstairs holding a box of christmas decorations, singing, [I] I wish it could be christmas every day[I]. Anyone want t-
Sonia: *Interrupts* I don't.
Pauline: Toputupxmasdecs? Whey she didn't interrupt me! *Dances*
Sonia: No!
Pauline: Okey dokee, Miss Moody Pants. But it is only nine days until christmas you know?
Sonia: Is it really? *Counts on fingers* 17th,18th,19th,20th,21th,22nd,23rd,24th,25th. Oh yes, so it is. Too many for Nana Moon though.
Pauline: ............. Wtf?........
Martin: .............
Pauline: Keep out of it, my argument. *Stomps foot*
Martin: My wife.
Sonia: Blah blah.....
(The Moons')
Alfie: So Nan, my special girl, what do you wany for christmas?
Nana: Noooooo, get with Kat, you fool.
Alfie: I'm sorry, I don't know a shop selling that and I am the great Alfie Moon.
Nana: A dancing penguin,.......or a dancing snowman.
Alfie:consideritbrought.
(The Vic)
Nana: This is for you, Kat.
Kat: Yay, christmas card. *Goes to open it*
Nana: Noooo! Bad girl.
Kat: Ooooh, I think I'm 13 all over again. What Nana.
Nana: The word is PARDON. Anyway, not until afterwards, Kat.
Kat: What on earth is the point of opening a christmas card after christmas? Elderly people.......
Nana: Darling, it is not a christmas card.
Kat: Oooooooooooh, I get this now. It's a birthday card right?
Nana: Are you alright? You sound like your about to give birth. *Slaps head* I really must stop saying random things. Not a birthday card. Just don't open it until after.......
Kat: Noooooooooo!
Nana: I'm the one that's dying........
-----------------------------------------------
Got to do my French project now, I'll finish this off later.
the_watts_rule
17-12-2005, 20:39
Cool!
Bit of a copy for the actual show, but keep trying, well done.
crazy_purple
18-12-2005, 17:41
Bit of a copy for the actual show, but keep trying, well done.
They're supposed to be showing the funny side of it / taking the mess out of the show, that's the point.
Mine will never be as good as yours though.
Continued from above post.
(The Moons')
Jake: Alfie, you're a clown.
Alfie: Well I'd rather be a clown than a corpse.
Jake: Are you implying that I smell?
Alfie: I might be, but don't worry, I'll get you some aftershave for Christmas.
*They fight*
*Kat enters with Nana*
Kat: Get off my Alfie now.
Jake: I thought you'd split up. Anyway, chill woman, I am male.
Kat: That gives me even more reason to be concerned.
*Kat paces forwards and tries to drag Jake off of Alfie, but gets caught in the crossfire*
Kat: Blimey, are you trying to knock me out or something?
Nana: Stop fighting now children.
Alfie: If anyone's a child round here it's him. Nan, are you sure you've never worked in a school?
Nana: Get off each other and apologise at once!
Alfie: Best not disabay her, Jake.
*They get up*
Jake: Soowweeeeee.
Alfie: *Mutters* Sorry, Jake.
Nana: Nope, not good enough boys, do it again.
Jake: Sorry.
Alfie: Sorry.
Nana: Well, that will do, I can see you now.
Jake: So.... If she couldn't see us before we apologised, how come she could see us fighting?????
Alfie: Jake was just leaving.
Kat: So you thought you'd have a fight first? Alfie and me always prefered sex on the kitchen table.
Jake: What's wrong with the beach???? I wonder.....
(Later)
Alfie: So, now we've got the snowman, lets decorate the tree!
Jake: Nana's booze.
Alfie: No, Jacob. You can not decorate a christmas tree with Nan's alcohol supply.
Jake: I wan't to drink it, plonker.
Alfie: I'm insulted. But WTF, lets act like drunk teenagers!
Jake: Yay!
Alfie: How old are you?
Jake: Ummm, i dunno.
Alfie: I don't think you need any booze, you're drunk enough already.
*Alfie goes to fetch the booze*
The cupboard: Theif!
Alfie: I really need a new cupboard for christmas.
*Jake leaves, once again*
Alfie: Au reviour, yo yo.
*Nana comes downstairs*
Nana: Yay present!
Alfie: Uh oh, I think everyone in this house has just come down with a serious case of toddler - itus.
Nana: Can I open it now?
Alfie: No you may not.
Nana: Ah well, it's probably only the dancing penguin as the snowman was my second choice.
Nana: Snowman on!
Alfie: Whatever you want Nan.
Nana: Again.
Alfie: Okay, and I thought Jake was a yo yo, not me.
Alfie: Nan, looks like the batteries have run out, I will have to get some more.
*Turns round*
Alfie: I wish I could go off to sleep that quickly, looks like I'll have to get some new batteries for her aswell. 9V's, I think......
Alfie: Wait...... noooooooo.
*cries*
Alfie: Nana, not now, just a bit more time.
Audience: Man, how much time do you want? You've known for three months!
.:SpIcYsPy:.
21-12-2005, 18:57
:rotfl: Didn't read all the way through.. read the last bit of your last post :rotfl:.....
Christmas day special 2005. *I really should write these things quicker*
(Car lot)
Patrick: Alfie, I thought I told you not to mess around with the radio.
Alfie: I love it Paddy, absolutley love it.
Kat: And there was me thinking he loved me! Hmph! *Stomps foot*
(The Slaters')
Charlie: Anyone seen my keys?
Little Mo: Freddie fed them to the reindeers!
Charlie: Wtf? *Sings* Keys,oh keys.
Charlie: *Sees Alfie's car. He bought the hump of junk then. Gaud, I've got a better car than him!
Little Mo: Really?
Charlie: Don't mock my taxi!
Charlie: *Finds keys* Aha! *Whacks keys against the wall*
Stacey: *Comes downstairs singing Cher - Taxi Taxi*
Kat: *Enters* Erm, Nan, I thought the oven was In the kitchen, I haven't had any to drink yet you know.
Little Mo: What's Alfie doing now then?
Kat: Packing.
Little Mo: Shouldn't you be doing the same?
Kat: Absolutley not! We're not siamese twins you know.
Little Mo: So you're not taking anything with you then? That isn't sensible Kat.
Kat: You're drunk.
Little Mo: I'm Maureen.
Kat: Errr, I think you're about 3 months behind the rest of the world if you think I'm going with Alfie, It's December, not September, I should have bought you a calendar for christmas!
Little Mo: Pfft! You're the onr that'll be late for your own funeral!
Kat: Pass the potato peeler.
Little Mo: Since whn did you cook?
Kat: Don't mock my cooking.
Little Mo: What is it with people telling me not to mock things today?
(The Fowlers')
Pauline: It's all a storm in a teacup.
Joe: Hmmm, I don't think Martin and Sonia would fit in a teacup.
Pauline: Are you saying my Martin's fat? *Whacks Joe with fruit bowl*
Joe: *Slaps Pauline*
Me: Yay!
--------------------------
To be continued.
brilliant more soon please
xStephaniex
02-01-2006, 14:52
Great script hunnni !!! well done x
I'll try and get the christmas one finished later.
brilliant - just found this thread - keep up the good work
the_watts_rule
03-01-2006, 09:06
Keep up the good work. That was really good.
Ok, well, as many of you know, my screen is presently really diodgy and I can't see much on it, so with a bit of luck, I might actually get round to finishing off the Christmas special!
(Sharon and Dennis's
Sharon:Something's not right, I feel terrible.
Dennis: Well you're hardly likely to feel good if your throwing up, how many times was that? 4? 5?
Sharon: Call me a cab.
Dennis: That didn't quite answer my question. What is it with women and indirect answers to questions? Hmph!
Sharon: I'm going to A & E.
Dennis: Are you sure you don't want me to get you a limo? If you're going to make a show you may aswell do it in style.
(The Slater's)
Mo: Kat, open the door.
Kat: God, I'll use public toilets in future!
*Lets Mo in* Come in, come in, take a seat, can I get you a cup of coffee?
Mo: What are you going on about, Kat?
Kat: What are you doing with that turkey, Nan? As far as I'm aware there's no microwave in here.
Mo: Well it wouldn't r***y fit in one anyway!
Kat: Good point.
Mo: You never were any good at estimation or anything to do with maths, Kat.
Kat: Well still, there's no way I'm eating that!
(A & E)
Receptionist: Have you got pain?
Sharon: Well if I didn't have why would I be here? So muchfor have a very merry christmas!
Receptionist: Ok, take a seat.
Dennis: Happy new year!
Sharon: Dennis!
Dennis: I meant christmas babe, honest.
* Sharon goes to sit down*
Dennis: My ar$e I did!
*Dennis follows* *Sharon moves her bag onto the seat*
Dennis: No honey, I don't want to play musical chairs.
Sharon: And I don't want to sit by you, okay!
Dennis: You're beginning to sound like Quiche Fowler! I know what's wrong, Paulinefowleritus!
Sharon: You really should have taken more notice in biology.
*Drunk man knocks christmas tree over*
Dennis: Well, I suppose it saves the staff a job after christmas.
i love it hunnie you are really good at these
I'll finish the christmas thing off in the half term. I've got my SATs soon, so I'd best practice my writing.
Will contain reference to spoilers for the remainder of the week.
------------------------------------------------
Here's the beginning of tonights, it is likely that my mum will kick me off of the computer before i've finished it.
Grant starts the episode by continually commanding that Phil gets back into the car. He is apparently not the smartest of the two chuckle brothers, but even so, he should have realised by what seemed like the thousanth time of telling his rather unresponsive brother, that Phil wasn't going to take any notice of him. Grant, a piece of advice for you, go and talk to a brick wall before you loose your voice, mate. But, no. Grant proceeded to do what his mummy dearest pleaded he didn't, and grabbed Phil and pulled him off of Johnny's gate. Why couldn't Grant have been a bit slower? Was it really neccessary for us to be inflicted to Phil Mitchell's bare flesh? "This is like the big brother house", Mr Ugly commented. Next evictee, Danny Moon. And to a rather unusual destination, the graveyard, a rather strange one at that! Watch this space. If Phil is the smarter one, I'd hate to see the brain power of Grant!
-----------------------------------
To be continued.
I'll finish the christmas thing off in the half term. I've got my SATs soon, so I'd best practice my writing.
Will contain reference to spoilers for the remainder of the week.
------------------------------------------------
Here's the beginning of tonights, it is likely that my mum will kick me off of the computer before i've finished it.
Grant starts the episode by continually commanding that Phil gets back into the car. He is apparently not the smartest of the two chuckle brothers, but even so, he should have realised by what seemed like the thousanth time of telling his rather unresponsive brother, that Phil wasn't going to take any notice of him. Grant, a piece of advice for you, go and talk to a brick wall before you loose your voice, mate. But, no. Grant proceeded to do what his mummy dearest pleaded he didn't, and grabbed Phil and pulled him off of Johnny's gate. Why couldn't Grant have been a bit slower? Was it really neccessary for us to be inflicted to Phil Mitchell's bare flesh? "This is like the big brother house", Mr Ugly commented. Next evictee, Danny Moon. And to a rather unusual destination, the graveyard, a rather strange one at that! Watch this space. If Phil is the smarter one, I'd hate to see the brain power of Grant!
-----------------------------------
To be continued.
Continued------------------
"Im sorry", Phil said as he got back into the car. Blimey, he's actually talking in a car! Usually he's trying to kill his brother. "I heard a noise", Ruby told Johnny as he exited from what from outside, seemed to resemble a cardboard box. Of course you heard a noise, you hear them all the time! And we are actually supposed to believe that she got 5 A*s 4A's and a B in her GCSEs! Okay, maybe I do believe it when A* is actually bothered to turn up for the exam, but late, A is Actually bothered to turn up for the exam and B is bothered to answer any of the questions on the exam paper! Johnny Allen in that office of his...... was it just me or did it resemble someone on part of the Titanic in the film? "Stay in the room", Johnny ordered. He may aswell lock Ruby up and do an impression of Rapunzel, he's about half way there, having already got Ruby a home tutor. That man has seriously never considered security! If he wants Ruby to take over from Tina all day and be the perfect little housewife, why bother paying for her to sit an intense driving course? Someone ask him what 2 + 2 is, I bet he says 5. "What did you do that for?," was the next question in his rant, which I think should go down in history for dragging on for the longest duration of time. If he wants to be such a successful Mr Big, or small as it would seem, don't put the security camera control in your office and leave it unlocked. Then the attention turned to the Chuckle brothers discovering there was steel locks on the door, which seemed like copyrighting from the film Johnny English. Next it was a scene between Phil and Johnny in which Phil attempted and failed to get Johnny to write, on paper that he was responsible for the murder of Dennis Rickman. Phillip, no one wants to watch a recreation of the treaty of versailles. Oooo, I almost forgot, "Ruby, I told you to stay in the room!" Either Ruby's had a sex change or Johnny has got Mikebaldwinitus because he can't recall giving Danny a key!
Right, where do I start? Wasn't paying a lot of attention on thursday due to painful finger.
Johnny and Phil - Don't they need a break? I hate opening sequences like that, they make it look as if there hasn't been a break in between the two episodes. They really do need a referee *enter Grant* Blimey, now Grant is not listening to what his brother has said. Message to Phil and Grant: You really should pay more attention, young sirs, wait, what am I talking about? They're both 40 odd years old! But it is also two o clock in the morning!
The Car Chase - Now, I have been wondering. Did Johnny know that there was something wrong with his car and so took Grant's 4 x 4? Why wouldn't he want to get away?! Does that guy have a death wish or something? They are after revenge for Sharon and are turning your daughter against you, fast, for crying out loud! Or did he have the intention of ramming the Chuckle Brothers. It's not the dodgems, you know!?
Next they're in a skip yard of some description and no sooner have they driven in the gate than they are fighting. Who'se bright idea was it to let the Mitchells' pass their driving tests? They seem intent on causing numerous accidents. This is reminding me of the Killman Hillman car saga of......what was it?........2002? I thought Phil was the owner of a successful car garage? I say successful, I think the clients were put of by the time that the garage spent in Ian Beales ownership! This is one occasion that news travels slowly in EastEnders! Why, when you are in the motor trade, would you drive an unroadworthy car into a skip if you are not intending to kill yourself? This should be the new GWR FM impossible question....... I can see it reaching the value of a million pounds!
The phone calls - V v boooringggg. No wonder the Mitchells' taxi took so long! There must be many skip yards in a place like Essex.
Danny and Ruby - Drugging a 17 year old girl, you should really associate with Deano Wicks! Well he obviously can't now, but anyway. If you want someone of the opposite sex to look at, go to studland beach! This is Johnny Allen's daughter! I'm guessing that few of you, if any, know what studland beach is, I don't think I need to say anymore other than that it is a nudist beach.
Friday 31st march 06.
Who was it that walked through the seemingly castle suited door into Johnny's mansion? I'm so obsessed with the computer and I have cerebal palsy so I couldn't leg it to the TV. I tried asking my mum, but she wasn't talking any sense at the time and ended up calling Johnny Allen Johnny Mitchell! I think Johnny would be insulted!
Ruby gets up part way through the duration of the episode. I thought she got changed when Danny said he was looking the other way in the previos episode? She didn't look like she had, I bet she's got a different outfit for every day of the month! Her hair was also incredibly neat considering she had been asleep. How many times have characters ever used a hairbrush in EastEnders?
Next thing we know there is a situation to be fainted over. It's not Phil and Grant having a punch up, it's Jake and Danny! Blimey, I think I need a rest! As the episode continues, Jake is knocked out by his brother on the Allen's kitchen floor. How was he not found before he had regained consciousness?
The clip on Danny's phone, what a poor film! Only 23 seconds long! That's shorter than the opening credits of a childs' film! How was Johnny able to view that when he was in a controlled coma exactly? How come Johnny's phone didn't break when Ruby threw it on the floor? Don't they have wooden flooring in that place? Okay, I must cut down my usage of rhetorical questions!
Jake killing Danny - I don't have much to say other than:
A spade, what a poor headstone! Is he intending for someone to discover Danny's body? Does he want to get arrested so that he can be in the same boat as Chrissie? (Here I go again with the rhetorical questions.)
Johnny being carted off in the police car. What do the police think they're playing at? You have to tell someone why they're being arrested before you shove them into the vehicle. Not like Johnny wouldn't know why he was being arrested, but hey.
Was it really neccessary for Ruby to bore us with her speech trying to get Johnny to turn hiself in when she was aware that the police were on route? No.
Johnny: Dennis was the last, I've been doing it for the last 40 years.
Me: You're making it sound like you've had people killed non stop for the past 40 years, which you plainly hadn't, or there'd be no one left on earth!
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