Advice please!

[SoapRach]

I was with my boyfriend for 4 years and then a month ago i found out that he'd been cheating on me so I ended it (after much discussion and he basically said he wanted to be with her and not with me!).

He's still living in the flat until he gets himself sorted, and in general we get on as mates.

I know that's it's still quite soon after the break up but I just can't see myself with anyone else. I don't want another relationship yet but when I go out I can't even bring myself to smile at other men, let alone speak to them. I really want a bit of fun to help me get over it but I'm just too shy... I've always had a confidence problem but this has made me even more self conscious.

I just want to fast forward to a time when it doesn't hurt so much.

Can anyone give me any advice on how I can feel happy? I try to keep myself busy but I keep thinking that if I'm distracting myself then I'm not dealing with it! It's a vicious circle!

[.:Kitz:.]

I think you need to bulid your confidence. Being a in happy relationship with someone then to find out he was cheating THEN to find out he'd rather be with her has got to do something to your confidence levels. At least you know where you stand with him. Friends. Just think, when he moves out it'll be so much easier to focus on other relationships. By distracting yourself i guess is kinda working, but only making the problem build up to bigger proportions and harder to deal with when you have too. Good luck!

[Behemoth]

I'll copy this over to the agony aunt forum to see if anyone can help you in there as well :D

[Jade]

I think things will get better when he moves out as although you have still split up, he is still "there" It would be impossible to start thinking about another bloke whilst your ex is still living there.

Just a hang in there, when the time right, and you meet the right person things will be fine.

Enjoy being single for a while get out and meet new people.

By distracting yourself and keeping busy is just delaying the inevitable, give your self time to greive for the relationship you've lost and then get up and go for it!!!!!

[Carrie Bradshaw]

It may not seem like it just now, but time is a great healer and it is only natural that you don't feel like getting another boyfriend just yet. He was a big part of your life for 4 years so you are not just going to get over him just like that.
In the mean time I suggest you just surround yourself with people you care about and try not to worry too much about the future - as someone already said, when the time is right, something will happen for you! :)

[xXxJessxXx]

after much discussion and he basically said he wanted to be with her and not with me!.

That is so rude! :eek: he could have at least been a little subtle about it!


He's still living in the flat until he gets himself sorted, and in general we get on as mates.

I really want a bit of fun to help me get over it but I'm just too shy... I've always had a confidence problem but this has made me even more self conscious

probaly not the kind of fun you mean but i would sure have fun kicking his backside out of the flat throwing all of his stuff out after him! i've not experienced this before so i might not know what is entirely best but i dont think you can probably move on untill he is out of your life (which is why i would kick him out!) and that probably means not being his mate either. i know its hard 4 years is a long time and you cant just let go that easily and you should be able to stay friends when a relationship is over but i feel that if he's hurt you so much deep down you may not be able to forgive him and still have feelings for him while he is still around.

You are probably a lot more self consious due to the fact that you've been hurt and you probably feel you cant trust many people incase they do the same or that everyone knows what happend and you may feel like a they see you as an easy target to push about knowing that the other man got away wit it for a bit(if that made sense not menaing to sound offensive) but what i mean is you may have it in your head that everyone one is like the other bloke and is out to do the same and hurt you. i think being self concious is all in the mind and you can never get away fomr that untill you learn to respect and love your self so that other people can do the same. a thing like this is bound to have knocked yours down and make you dount your self. you need to get back on top and think about the good things in your life once your on a high others will notice it and you wont feel as self consious no more. but i think you need him out of your life to do it proberly.

before you know it you'll be metting new people and having fun again and you wont need that man in your life no more. i wouldnt give him the time of day. but then agaiun what would i know i havnt experiences this but its just waht i would try and do in your sistuation. :) Good Luck! :thumbsup:

[Trinity]

To be frank I think it is much too soon to be thinking about other men.

You need to learn who you are again after being part of a couple for so long. I would forget about meeting blokes and smiling at people in bars, and think about what you like doing. Is this a good time to take up a hobbie that wouldn't have fitted in with his life? Maybe there is a night class you have always fancied but never acted on? Cooking, painting, judo ,paintballing or rock climbing - why not try something total different.

How about reading, going to the movies with girl friends, doing something and pampering like massage classes. Learn a musical instrument. There must be 10 million things that you have thought about and put off - this is your time.

I don't think that you should think that this has anything to do with your ex. You deserve some 'me' time - don't feel guilty about it. It isn't to distract you from him, it is about enjoying being you.

You don't need him girl - go for it!

[SoapRach]

Hey guys, thanks for all the excellent advice.

It's just so difficult, but I do feel better about it all in some ways. I can't wait until he moves out, but at the same time I feel that it'll be really hard and really hit it home that he's left me.

Thanks to you all for giving me advice... It really means a lot to me. And it's good to get how I feel off my chest!

[Jade]

Bless, yes it will be hard when he moves out but it will also get better!!!! your sort of stuck in limbo whilst he's still there!