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With plots featuring Ian Beale's gonads, it's no surprise Emmerdale is catching up with EastEnders in the ratings. Even the Street is losing its cred with stories about dogs
Saturday August 13, 2005
The Guardian
It wasn't a surprise when schoolgirl mum Demi Miller ran away from 27 Albert Square. It was only surprising she didn't run sooner and much further away. A thousand miles would have been a good start, away from her drippy mother, scarecrow dad and that huge, giant slug of a baby; away from the Miller's fetid house where the net curtains could do with a good boil wash and the furniture is covered in wolf-hound hairs. She could forget the pointless inter-family beef which meant she wasn't allowed to see her boyfriend/babyfather Leo, and forget too her hormonally imbalanced decision to elect Pauline Fowler as Aleesha's godmother. (Word of warning Demi: Please consider Pauline's recent "special 20th birthday tea party" for Martin with jelly, balloons and themed cake. Is this a woman who can relinquish control over kids?) Run as far as you can!
With all this in mind, Demi and Leo escaped, dreaming of a new life in Margate or Southend, but quickly ending up in a squat in south London, populated mainly with well-heeled crack-heads and street urchins from the Anna Scher Theatre. After a few days sitting about on a rotting mattress surrounded by beetles and beer cans, the doomed pair were both taking heroin. Then Leo overdosed and died, because as we all know, heroin kills.
Not that anyone ever really cared about poor Leo. He'd been bullied, beaten and castigated by everyone ever since he fell in love with blameless, innocent Demi. Death was probably a merciful release for the tyke. Meanwhile, the square rejoiced as news of Demi's return. "We've got our little girl back!" snivelled Rosie Miller, dragging Demi back inside dog-hair mansions, "We'll never let her out of our sight again, ever!" Good work Demi. Next time get a rail card.
Other major Albert Square news is Dennis and Sharon's wedding, which may or may not happen, depending on how the wind changes. Aside from the fact the couple can't get through a 24-hour period without a tiresome misunderstanding which Dot needs to sort out, Sharon has now decided she needs to find her "daddy".
That's correct, apparently Sharon's wedding just won't be complete without Den Snr giving her away. Yes, the same Den who the couple went to America to get away from in March. The same Den who turned thwarting their relationship into his personal, all-consuming vendetta. "But I want my daddy!" sobbed Sharon as everybody in Britain secretly hoped it was time for Chrissie to give her a quick hair re-style with a doggy doorstop. Sharon should stop farting about and get Den Jr up the aisle before he changes his mind and realises he's marrying someone who dyes herself the colour of an erupting Mount Vesuvius and dresses like a Walthamstow casino croupier. Actually, Sharon should marry David Dickinson instead, they'd make a handsome couple. And Den Jr, a word of advice, try looking at Chrissie Watt's contorted, guilt-ridden face every time you ask about Den Snr. It might help you with your enquiries, you pouting shirt-phobic imbecile.
Also extremely annoying this month are the Beales. They've all gone martial-arts crazy and can be seen trotting around the square in their matching white aikido pyjamas, en route to their freaky "family class" where the adults have to fight with the kids, not people their own size. This must be handy if you're ever likely to be cornered by a squad of ninja six-year-olds. Or if you ever want to beat up S Club 8. After merrily signing herself up for a life with Ian Beale and his ghoulish children, Jane has now announced she wants a Beale baby all of her own. Obviously, this throws up the question of Ian's gonads, his past-botched vasectomy and its possible reversal. No dinner during EastEnders for the foreseeable future, then.
It might help you with your enquiries, you pouting shirt-phobic imbecile.
.
It is funny! Apart from that, calling dennis an imbecile! :thumbsdow Hehe though good very good!
xxx
i_luv_dennis
13-08-2005, 16:56
agree
That's correct, apparently Sharon's wedding just won't be complete without Den Snr giving her away. Yes, the same Den who the couple went to America to get away from in March. The same Den who turned thwarting their relationship into his personal, all-consuming vendetta. "But I want my daddy!" sobbed Sharon as everybody in Britain secretly hoped it was time for Chrissie to give her a quick hair re-style with a doggy doorstop. Sharon should stop farting about and get Den Jr up the aisle before he changes his mind and realises he's marrying someone who dyes herself the colour of an erupting Mount Vesuvius and dresses like a Walthamstow casino croupier. Actually, Sharon should marry David Dickinson instead, they'd make a handsome couple. And Den Jr, a word of advice, try looking at Chrissie Watt's contorted, guilt-ridden face every time you ask about Den Snr. It might help you with your enquiries, you pouting shirt-phobic imbecile.
Brilliant!! (sorry I laughed out loud!!)
Sharon and David Dickinson :rotfl:
i_luv_dennis
13-08-2005, 17:35
lol
Sharon and David Dickinson :rotfl:The Millers net curtains :rotfl:
SoapRach
13-08-2005, 19:14
That is very funny! I always like reading the guardian soap reviews.
That is very funny! I always like reading the guardian soap reviews.Yeah sometimes they can be a tad too harsh though.
This is pure genuis but it's not by me so do not credit me for it. I just had to post it though because it made me LOL:
Its A Typical New Years Eve In The Vic, Peggy Is All Glammed Up At The Bar, Serving The Regulars
Jim: Good To See You Behined The Bar, Peggy, I Was Just Saying To Dot How Good It Is For This Place To Get Back To Normal After...well You Know
Peggy: Yes I Do! And To Celebrate A New Year In The New Vic, Im Launching A Special Cocktail, Its Calleds The DUC
Jim: Whats That Stand For?
Peggy: Den Under Concrete
Sharron Rushes Past The Bar
Peggy (shouting To Sharron): You Having That?
Sharron: F**k Off You Overated Little Bi**h
Peggy: Overated? Me? You Should Take A Look In The Mirror You Fat Cow, You've Made More Comebacks Than Elvis And Still We Can't Get More Than 14 Million Viewers, Your The Overated One My Love
Sharron Continues To Rush Past, Choosing To Ignore Peggys Comment. She Head Towards The Table Where Dennis, Kat, Alfie, Chrissie, Tina, And Sam Are Sat
Kat: What A Year!
All Group: Tell Me About It
They All Neck There Double Vodkas.
Chrissie: The Worst Year Of My Life. First I Sign A Contract To Stay On Til April 2006 And The Next Thing I Know Im Axed! Whats That All About?
Alfie: I Know! Im The Best Thing Ever To Happern This Show And Would They Pay Me £2,000,000 For It?? Looks Like Im Going To Have To Remorgate The House Again
Sam: Well At Least I Have My Amazing Singing Voice And Good Looks To Fall Back On
Kat Sniggers
Kat: The BBC Love Me, 1 New Project In The Pipeline...
Tina:whats That About?
Chrissie: Nobodys Talking To You Love, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Tina: I Jus..
Kat: Shut It! You Shouldn't Be Sat Here Love, Your Not In Our Leauge. Anyway Im Playing 'moll Flanders Through The Years', I Tried Out For That Jane In Pride And Pregudice But They Said Im Too Classy Or Sumfink
Tina: its Prejudice
Kat: Right Thats It!
Kat Pulls A Gun Out And Blows Tinas Brains All Over The Wall
Kat: Thats Prejudice Love, Prejudice To A Minor Character
Jake Comes Over With A Drink For Him And Chrissie
Chrissie: Tar.
Long Silince As The Table Looks Over To The Other Chracters, All Are Counting Down From 10 To The New Year
Peggy:drinks Our On The 'ouse! Part From That Table! Your Contracts Have Just Expired, Get Out Of My Pub!
Kat:we've Not Finished Our Drinks!
Peggy:right, Thats It! Phil...grant!
Alfie:don't Worry, Were Going
The Group Exits The Pub, Walking Onto The Sqaure
Chrissie:what Now?
Sharron: I Know The Number Of A Really Good Black Cab Firm, I Use Them All The Time
Dennis: Thought You Would
Kat: You Thick Or Sumfink? Theres Too Many Of Us For A Black Cab!!
Chrissie: Besides Where Shall We All Go?
Jake: Lets All Go On Holiday! To Barbados!
Sam:yeah!
Chrissie: Has Lousie Berridge Just Broken Into The Scrpit Writers Office And Started Typing Away?!
Jake:sounds Like It
Kat: But Im Still Signed To The Bbc!
Alfie: Me Too!
Chrissie: Oh Well! Bye Bye Then You Two, Sharron, Call That Cab!
The Group Walk Towards Turpin Road, Leaving Kat And Alfie By Themselves. Kat Looks Upset
Alfie: Don't Worry Babes, Im Sure We'll Be Back Her Sooner Than You Can Say 'desperate Crisis Meetings At Bbc As Easetenders Reaches Its All Time Low Viewing Figures!'
Kat: Yeah?
Alfie: Yeah. Now Lets Take A Leaf Out Of Zoes Book And Do A Tube Exit
Kat: OK
CrazyLea
14-08-2005, 00:40
big slug of a baby lol. aww
CrazyLea
14-08-2005, 00:45
lmao love that thingy
lmao love that thingy
It's pure genuis!
This is pure genuis but it's not by me so do not credit me for it. I just had to post it though because it made me LOL:
Its A Typical New Years Eve In The Vic, Peggy Is All Glammed Up At The Bar, Serving The Regulars
Jim: Good To See You Behined The Bar, Peggy, I Was Just Saying To Dot How Good It Is For This Place To Get Back To Normal After...well You Know
Peggy: Yes I Do! And To Celebrate A New Year In The New Vic, Im Launching A Special Cocktail, Its Calleds The DUC
Jim: Whats That Stand For?
Peggy: Den Under Concrete
Sharron Rushes Past The Bar
Peggy (shouting To Sharron): You Having That?
Sharron: F**k Off You Overated Little Bi**h
Peggy: Overated? Me? You Should Take A Look In The Mirror You Fat Cow, You've Made More Comebacks Than Elvis And Still We Can't Get More Than 14 Million Viewers, Your The Overated One My Love
Sharron Continues To Rush Past, Choosing To Ignore Peggys Comment. She Head Towards The Table Where Dennis, Kat, Alfie, Chrissie, Tina, And Sam Are Sat
Kat: What A Year!
All Group: Tell Me About It
They All Neck There Double Vodkas.
Chrissie: The Worst Year Of My Life. First I Sign A Contract To Stay On Til April 2006 And The Next Thing I Know Im Axed! Whats That All About?
Alfie: I Know! Im The Best Thing Ever To Happern This Show And Would They Pay Me £2,000,000 For It?? Looks Like Im Going To Have To Remorgate The House Again
Sam: Well At Least I Have My Amazing Singing Voice And Good Looks To Fall Back On
Kat Sniggers
Kat: The BBC Love Me, 1 New Project In The Pipeline...
Tina:whats That About?
Chrissie: Nobodys Talking To You Love, Keep Your Mouth Shut
Tina: I Jus..
Kat: Shut It! You Shouldn't Be Sat Here Love, Your Not In Our Leauge. Anyway Im Playing 'moll Flanders Through The Years', I Tried Out For That Jane In Pride And Pregudice But They Said Im Too Classy Or Sumfink
Tina: its Prejudice
Kat: Right Thats It!
Kat Pulls A Gun Out And Blows Tinas Brains All Over The Wall
Kat: Thats Prejudice Love, Prejudice To A Minor Character
Jake Comes Over With A Drink For Him And Chrissie
Chrissie: Tar.
Long Silince As The Table Looks Over To The Other Chracters, All Are Counting Down From 10 To The New Year
Peggy:drinks Our On The 'ouse! Part From That Table! Your Contracts Have Just Expired, Get Out Of My Pub!
Kat:we've Not Finished Our Drinks!
Peggy:right, Thats It! Phil...grant!
Alfie:don't Worry, Were Going
The Group Exits The Pub, Walking Onto The Sqaure
Chrissie:what Now?
Sharron: I Know The Number Of A Really Good Black Cab Firm, I Use Them All The Time
Dennis: Thought You Would
Kat: You Thick Or Sumfink? Theres Too Many Of Us For A Black Cab!!
Chrissie: Besides Where Shall We All Go?
Jake: Lets All Go On Holiday! To Barbados!
Sam:yeah!
Chrissie: Has Lousie Berridge Just Broken Into The Scrpit Writers Office And Started Typing Away?!
Jake:sounds Like It
Kat: But Im Still Signed To The Bbc!
Alfie: Me Too!
Chrissie: Oh Well! Bye Bye Then You Two, Sharron, Call That Cab!
The Group Walk Towards Turpin Road, Leaving Kat And Alfie By Themselves. Kat Looks Upset
Alfie: Don't Worry Babes, Im Sure We'll Be Back Her Sooner Than You Can Say 'desperate Crisis Meetings At Bbc As Easetenders Reaches Its All Time Low Viewing Figures!'
Kat: Yeah?
Alfie: Yeah. Now Lets Take A Leaf Out Of Zoes Book And Do A Tube Exit
Kat: OK
:rotfl:
Pure genius!! I love it just fab! Oh my days, you've cheered me right up thanks honey,Sharon and the cab well!!! :rotfl:
i love it, its so funny and so true! i love sharon but i hate her dramatic exits and returns every five seconds
The black cab line from Sharon in that piece of text is a classic!
Angeldelight
14-08-2005, 16:56
:rotfl: :cheer: :lol: Brillaint cheered me up both were fantastic
That thing about DUC is just what Peggy would say!
callummc
14-08-2005, 18:26
well theyve definatly hit the nail on the haed,best bit for me was the nhs bit
WALFORD LOVERS BARDLY DONE BY THAT VILE JIM SHELLEY
16 August 2005
THERE'S nothing like coming back from two weeks of fun and sun abroad, and settling down to catch up with Britain's most talked-about programme.
Unless, of course, that programme happens to be EastEnders.
This week's storyline featuring fun-loving 14-year-olds Demi and Leo was one of the most miserable, miserably inept that EastEnders has ever cobbled together. (No mean feat, that.)
To recap: Demi and Leo had run away from home with their bay-bay Aleesha (named after Ms Duvall).
They had moved into a squat of Dickensian squalor, full of rats crawling over the corpses of junkies and cackling prostitutes.
Within hours, Leo's mate Gav had inexplicably loaned him so much heroin he could pass for one of the Taliban.
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"What is it?" Demi, a wide-eyed, waif-like version of Bianca, asked, staring at a bag of pristinely folded wraps of heroin that Gav had cunningly disguised as cocaine.
Inevitably, within two episodes, Demi was chasing her first dragon and Leo was injecting/OD-ing. It was as if even the writers couldn't wait to get the whole thing over with.
The inanity and amateurism of it all was mind-blowing - although not as mind-blowing as Gav's heroin.
Rosie and Keith reacted to their daughter's disappearance with their customary class - arguing and generally being useless.
Keith took to staring at photos of Demi like some sort of wretched caveman, but still insisted they watch TV.
(Keith is so idle he doesn't even take Genghis, his only friend, for a walk.) When Demi phoned home, inevitably all she could hear was shouting.
The Millers' gormless histrionics ended (mercifully) when Appalling Pauline Fowler brought baby Aleesha home.
You could see the poor little mite thinking: "No! No! Not Pauline Fowler! Not the Millers! Get me back to the rat-infested squat full of junkies!"
Amazingly, Keith gave Appauline a hard time - just as Rosie did when Leo's mum agreed to take them to the squat where Leo and Demi were hiding out/OD-ing.
Meanwhile Demi was doing Shakespearean soliloquies.
"I wish I could just turn my 'ead off. I wish I could just stop finking" - not difficult, you'd imagine, in her case.
Not that Demi was without dreams, of course.
"When I'm 16, I'm gonna have an 'ouse. I'll have a wardrobe, a bed and a cot..."
A wardrobe!? Well, I didn't say they were big dreams.
Her big dream was to go to Southend, the East Enders' Mecca. "We're going to Southend!" Leo protested to the junkies even as they were mugging him.
Later he OD'd, croaking (just before he croaked): "It wasn't meant to be like this. It was meant to be luvverly."
A truly hilarious, vomit-inducing "vision" of Demi and baby Aleesha (understandably) finished him off.
ROMEO & Juliet it wasn't. It wasn't even kids' TV. (Did Zammo die in vain?)
What I found most objectionable was the way, as usual, EastEnders reverted to a position of total moral ambivalence, expecting us to sympathise with this pond life.
Keith Miller's comment "I thought we might as well LOOK like people the public would want to help" was particularly ironic, given that after all this time they still don't.
When they first arrived, the Millers' main contribution was to dump their rubbish on their neighbours. Demi and her brother Darren have spent most of their time since nicking from the local mini-mart.
As for Leo, the underlying message was: his dad was horrible. He couldn't cope with being a dad. He had no choice BUT to become a heroin dealer (twice).
"So what am I supposed to do?" the little toe-rag sniffed. "Go and nick us some food?"
Er, yeah - that's what any self-respecting teenager (like Demi and Darren) would have done.
"I bet you're loving this!" Ray's Horrible Dad growled.
"No, as it 'appens, I ain't," Keith mumbled back, speaking for us all.
For years now EastEnders has been degenerating into Brookside. This sorry saga just proves it, although to be fair to Brookside this is the sort of crap Brookside was doing years ago.
Leo_in_ee_rules
17-08-2005, 21:55
that was such a sad story line
xcutiekatiex
19-08-2005, 15:28
lol now that was funny( i ment the 1st one)
EE can't 'degenerate' into Brookside. The word would be evolve. If EE dgenerates much more even WQ would stop watching it!
EE can't 'degenerate' into Brookside. The word would be evolve. If EE dgenerates much more even WQ would stop watching it!
I would NEVER stop watching it especially when it has characters such as the wonderful Dot Cotton, one of the biggest soap icons ever if not THE biggest icon in any soap :)
I don't think it's that bad at the moment apart from Mofie which will be ending soon and the Demi and Leo storyline which has now ended!
Things seem to be flowing nicely and the plots seem to be moving along again. Plus we've got the return of the Mitchells to look forward to :D
You can see how much EastEnders has improved by looking at the way new characters such as Naomi are being introduced without any fanfare.
EastEnders is nothing like what Brookside became, the two are uncomprable! :eek:
Brookside lost most of it's decent characters and the ones that were left were wasted. They hung onto the fabulous Bev Dixon and Jacqui Dixon for example but I remember these being totally wasted in favour of that new Gordon family etc. Brookside degenerated into a Hollyoaks type programme before it was eventually axed, it was totally ruined and had to go really.
EastEnders is still watchable and is getting better apart from this Mofie rubbish :thumbsdow
So I think you're being a too harsh Trinity! Afterall EastEnders is still proving to be a hit in terms of viewing figures :)
Admittingly gone are the days when it was a top notch drama but that sort of ended in 2000 and was more of a 80's/90's thing and after that I thought it was just a great soap which was good enough for me up until 2002. It's getting back to being a good soap though :)
No doubt they'll be more critics nitpicking in tomorrows papers!
The funny thing is there's a million and one things to nitpick in all the other soaps especially Coronation Street yet these critics dedicate half a page to EastEnders and a paragraph to another soap :rolleyes:
To Walford-upon-Avon where Romeo And Juliet -The Grange Hill Years was reaching its climax.
Yes, Demi and Leo were still missing but if you didn't watch it you were missing nothing.
However, the show did for once manage to capture the real East End - it was totally hackneyed.
A storyline-by-numbers. Cut with every drug cliche going, any good acting (Demi) swamped by overacting (the rest).
And rounded off with possibly the funniest thing I've seen on EastEnders all year - Leo's crack-induced pre-death vision of his girlfriend and daughter basking in a sunny glow.
Honestly, it was as if Bouncer's Neighbours dream sequence never happened.
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