wife material

[chance]

If Big Brother should do its own version of Changing Rooms, maybe Craig could fill Laurence Llewellyn Bowen's role?

Discussing home furnishings with Orlaith and Anthony, the Norfolk lad lusted about parquet flooring, white sofas and neon-lit bathrooms. Steady on, saucy.

"I'd like a wet bathroom in sandstone with chrome accessories, red neon lights and a big fat-**** circular Jacuzzi bath. I think that would be fabulous," he enthused.

"Imagine that Anthony. A big bath with candles and bubbles... how romantic!" he gushed.

"Mmm, fantastic," agreed a noticeably indifferent Anthony, face down on the sofa.

"God, I'd make a good wife," muttered a dewey-eyed Craig, before frothing: "I love baths. I love having a bath with somebody. Have you ever had sex in the bath?"

"Yeah," said Orlaith."

"I think it's quite hard," said Craig.

"It is," agreed the model. "It has been lovely. But the second time I tried it was a bit weird."

"I've never had sex in a bath," dismissed Anthony. "I've started to have foreplay, but there wasn't enough room."

After a heavily pregnant pause, Craig snapped out of his daydream to conclude, "We mustn't talk about sex, it upsets me."

Stick to decorating then, pet.