All purpose soap storyline [Archive] - Soap, Drama and Spoiler Forums

parkerman

01-02-2010, 17:29

Before we hear her reply the scene switches to a remote gloomy farmhouse in Sweden where an unshaven man is shuffling about the house. He looks about 80 years old and keeps bursting in to tears. Slowly his head drops to his chest and he lets out a deep sigh. He sits down on an armchair and bursts in to tears. Suddenly the door opens and a young woman walks in. “Dad,” she says, “what’s the matter?” He looks up and takes about five minutes before replying. “I’ve been asked to help out in the case of Meggy Bitchell over in England.” “What’s so bad about that?”, asks the young woman. But before he can answer the phone rings. The man picks it up. “Inspector Fenceander here”. He listens but says nothing and then puts the phone down. He looks at his daughter and bursts into tears again. “You don’t understand. No-one understands. I once appeared in a film with Meggy Bitchell. She was appalling. I am a great actor and she is nothing. Now they want me to go and co-star with her again. I just can’t do it.”

There is another five minutes of complete silence. Suddenly the door is kicked in and a man with a beetroot where his head should be bursts in. “You come and ‘elp my ma out or else I’ll stick yer head dahn the toilet.” Fenceander bursts into tears again.

Meanwhile back in the hospital, Big Charlie’s son looks at his father and says, witheringly, “Can you lend me a tenner?”

Music….

alan45

01-02-2010, 23:57

Not so fast my little red faced friend said a voice from the gloom. It is I Inspector Clueless an officer of the Llew. ontcha know Im a Mitchell Bruvva and I have the police and the courts in my back pocket. You cannot touch me or my dogging mates.

Neither me nor Fenceender will help out your pygmy mother says Clueless. I have seen all of her films and they really are appalling. Britains National Treasure my derriere.

Meanwhile back at the court the public galleries are packed with all the Analogue Spy Deadenders Fan Club complaining about the biased courts and how that ITV have rigged the jury so that Ma Mitchell will get convicted.

Underneath the wreckage of the Helter Skelter tts about seducing himevn though she knows it will make hers twinn Lesbian sister very jealous.he body of one of EEs best loved characters Reg the War Hero is discovered. Shannis Blackjacket decides that as he was such a central character in the life of the Square that they should hold a proper East End Funeral for him. They send for Bernie Scripps. He arrives, his usual smiling self accompanied by his faithful lapdog David.

Roxanne Bitchell discovers that David is in fact yet another missing link in the Mitchell fairmily tree and and sets about seducing him even though it will make her lesbian lover jealous. On her way up to her love nest she trips and falls down the stairs striking her head on a concret model of Roly which was being used as a door stop.

Did she fall or was she pushed.

Due to the number of serious happenings in The King Albert Commisioner Beth Green decides to enlist the help of her ace team of Charley Farley and Piggy Malone.

parkerman

02-02-2010, 11:03

On their arrival in the Square, Inspector Barnabus aka John Thistles and his sidekick Sergeant John Benz take one look round and decide they’d be better off back in Midwinter where the body count is far lower than in Victoria Square. Making their apologies to Home Secretary Beth Green they get the first black cab out of there and back to their own little haven of peace and tranquillity. Beth Green begins to cry. Fenceander, who has by now arrived in England, sees her and bursts in to tears as well.
Meanwhile oblivious to all the sadness taking place down south, Gale Force Splatt is preparing for her 23rd wedding up in Manchester. “Just because my first 22 husbands have died in mysterious circumstances,” she explains to her mother, Nicky Clarke, “doesn’t mean I won’t be happy with this one.” Her son suddenly appears at the door brandishing his pitchfork and pulling his cap down over his horny ears. “We’ll see, mother, we’ll see,” he says before emitting a high pitched laugh and running out in to the street making sure his tail remains tucked in to his trousers.
Back in court there is uproar as a fight breaks out between a man known only as Big Al and the leader of the Analogue Spy Deadenders Fan Club. Uniformed police are called to break up the fight but there are none to be seen anywhere as they have all been replaced by CID officers.
At the hospital Big Charlie shakes his head and says, “Son, you can do better than this.”

Abigail

02-02-2010, 12:02

Back in court there is uproar as a fight breaks out between a man known only as Big Al and the leader of the Analogue Spy Deadenders Fan Club;

:lol: I like it.

alan45

02-02-2010, 12:42

During the melee a chimp like creature appears in the Court disgused as a policeman of ice. It is no-one othe than Gabriel K*nt the ace schizo policeman played by the inimitable Todd Crappy. He skates over to Big Al with the intention of punishing him for all the nasty things he said about him of Analogue Spy. Sensing the confusion Meggy Bitchell runs from the Court and gets run over by a passing Ambulance which was on its way to Holby Hospital. Luckily the ambulance isnt damaged and they take Meggy With them. On arrival at the hospital Meggy who is dressed in a rather fetching red sequined bra and pantie set is examined by the lovely Dr Groper played by William Kenny. Madam he says you are suffereing from a severe case of Upyourownarseiness as well as a dose of Double Entendre. It leads you to have delusions of greatness and acting way beyond your capabilities.

Meanwhile back in sunny Weatherfield as Nicky Clarke chokes back another tear Galeforce walks up the aisle of the church arm in arm with serial philanderer Kev 'Monkey Wrench' WebStar. Kev always knew how to service Gale Force and get the best ride from her suspension. Bishop Ashley Laurel welcomes everyone to the service and asks them to say a few prayers for Devil Boy David.

Our opening hymn today is number 666. There was a piercing scream from the congregation as the crypt door opened and out stepped not one not two but three of Gale Force's ex hubbies. Brian Tildeathus-dupart, Richard Hillman Minx and Sailor Joe.

Siobhan

02-02-2010, 13:00

Madam he says you are suffereing from a severe case of Upyourownarseiness as well as a dose of Double Entendre. It leads you to have delusions of greatness and acting way beyond your capabilities.

:lol: that is so funny!!! Well done you guys

parkerman

02-02-2010, 17:22

As soon as Dr Groper announces his diagnosis, Fenceander, who has followed the ambulance on the back of David Bitchell’s new supersonic state of the art two wheel babe machine, bursts into tears. He is comforted by one of Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above’s earrings which has taken on a life of its own and is now to be seen wandering around Victoria Square and environs telling everyone who is prepared to listen what a hard upbringing she had attached to Fat Pat’s earlobe.

Up in Weatherfield everyone runs screaming from the church except Monkey Wrench and his best man, Typhoon Dross. “You know what I don’t understand?” asks Typhoon ”What’s that?” replies WebStar. “Well,” begins Typhoon, “you seem to have been with every woman in Weatherfield except my Milly. Why’s that?” Kev chokes on the holy water he is swigging from the tap by the font, but Typhoon continues, “You see I’d know if you’d been with Milly and I can tell you haven’t.” Monkey Wrench is prevented from answering by Sailor Joe rising up from the crypt moaning, “Lend me some money” over and over again till Gale’s other two husbands get so fed up with him that they throw him back in to the crypt and shut the door on him.

Meanwhile, back in court, a market trader known only as Churchill takes command of the situation. Without saying a word he gets everyone to sit down so the trial can recommence. Inspector Mars Bar is next to take the stand. She begins her evidence by saying, “Those Bitchells won’t escape justice this time.” Up in the public gallery there is a commotion as well known Dragon, Ian Weasel, claps and cheers loudly until his daughter, Lucy Lastic, tells him to sit down.

Back at the hospital, Big Charlie’s son gives his father a look of disdain and says, “OK, make it £12.50 then.”

Siobhan

02-02-2010, 17:24

Lucy Lastic,

ah you edited it.. I like Looseelastic better.. hahahahha

parkerman

02-02-2010, 18:27

I was trying to be a bit more subtle!:hmm:

alan45

08-02-2010, 17:21

By now on of Fat Pat 'Evans aboves majestic earings had attached itself to the earlobe of the 60 yr old teenager Liz OldMacdonald Addafarm, the other having been lost in the heaving mound she called her bosom. If the earing thought it had a hard time attached to Evans Aboves ears it was nothing as to the time it would have attached to Elizabeths ear so it would. Still it could have been worse. Imagine it had been caught in her yoyo knickers.

Back in Weatherfield Crying Tilsley and his shiny white teeth launched and attack on Monkeywrench. Thats for shagging my widow after I was mudered on American telly. Typhoon Dross leapt to monkey wrench's defence and beat him about the head with a copy of the Haynes guide to Married Bliss. Monkeywrench mad good his escape and went off in search of a Loose Women and found five.

Judge John Deed slammed his gavel down in the Courtroom. Who appears for The National treasure aka The Poison Dwarf aka Meggy Bitchell. A snide greasy little man appeared. I do replied the Ace Lawyer known as Marcus Weaselly. I have rrpresented The Mitchells for years and only stopped due to a finacial misunderstanding. And who represents you Big Al. Two gentlemen stood up Roy 'Rumpole' Crapper and Kenny 'Ironsides' Barlow

alan45

15-02-2010, 17:28

bump for next part

parkerman

15-02-2010, 19:35

bump for next part ???

Before the courtroom drama can continue however, Ironsides’ son, Peter Publicbarlow (aka Saloonbarlow aka Privatebarlow in fact aka Anysortofbarlow) staggers in to the courtroom, clutching at the doorknob and mumbling, “Simon, Simon, it’s just you and me. Mine’s a pint.” He is followed into the courtroom by Lying Battermix who demands the court go easy on Peter as it is all her fault.

Judge John Deed looks sternly at her and says, “No my dear, it’s the fault of all of us. Society is to blame and I am going to crusade to put it right.” Sergeant Stoneface looks up from the public gallery and says, “B******s to that! Peter Publicbarlow is a no good drunk and I’m going to fix him even if I have to bend a few rules and plant the evidence.” “That’s our boy,” exclaims Meggy Bitchell, “Ronnie would be proud of you – Ronnie Knight I mean, not Ronnie Mitchell. Now he was a man. A great man. A great great man.”

Up in Weatherfield, Gale tells everyone that Sailor Joe is very much alive and the fact that has been buried in the crypt in the church does not prove a thing. Look at Max Branston down in Walford. He was buried but turned up alive and well. In fact Branston got into a right pickle before he was dug up again by his loving wife, Tanyahide, and resurrected. “I’m going to do the same with Joe,” she promises.

Back at the hospital, Charlie looks scornfully at his son and says, “£12.50?” before keeling over and being carted off to be cared for by Dr Nigel Bates under the Direction of Dr David Wicks.

Perdita

15-02-2010, 20:29

:rotfl: very funny :lol: :D

alan45

17-02-2010, 00:43

Lying Battermix is carted off to the Queen Victoria Memorial Clinic to dry out. Peter Barsteward and his best mate Cairan McCartheif flee the Court to open up a new business venture on the site of Jerrys famous Kebab shop. It will be an upmarket Wine Bar which is just the very thing that Coronation Street need. We will be the best Wine Bar in all of Weatherfield mutters alcoPete and I'll be the best cushtomer. Mc Cartheif says No Pete you are goning into rehab with Lying Batterminx. You want simon back dont you. Simon who says alcopete. Simon the cute little curly topped sprog that steals everyones hearts. Oh him says Pete. Dr yuki Reid and the gang arrive from Holby and cart peter off.

Meanwhile a loud bang is heard in the Courtroom. Judge Deeds whips off his wig and dons a curly one as he slips into his alter ego Ray Boyle of CI5. He is immediatly knocked to the ground by Henno Mitchell who has come to rescue Meggy Bitchell who faces being locked up with Traceyluv and Gale Force Platt in Slade Open Prison.

Ello Ma.

Wosss going on here Gwant scweams Bitchell.

Ive come to rescue you. I killed Archie cos he wasnt good enough for you. A rope is lowered from India 99 which was hovering above and Meggy and Gwant make their way to Albert Square and enter the Webcammers Return.

A black Taxi appears in the square. Its the Angel Of Death and its plain to see that it was going to be another explosive incident down East 17 which will rock the square.

Who will be leaving in the cab

parkerman

18-02-2010, 17:58

Every resident in Victoria Square steps out in to the street to see who will be leaving in the black cab. Many have their scripts in their hands desperately reading quickly to get to the end, hoping against hope that it won’t be them as they will then be forced to turn to acting for a living, something that is well beyond the capabilities of most of them.

Suddenly ‘Alf a Mo Slapper runs in to the middle of the Square. “Odds on Sean,” she yells, “I know he doesn’t live here any more but that’s no reason for him not to leave in a black cab anyway.” She is surrounded by most of the Square placing bets. Suddenly Dr Nigel Bates appears, having successfully revived Charlie, and says, “That used to be my Debbie’s job to run the bookies. I remember the days when the bookies was an important part of the Square now it’s never mentioned. What’s Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above done to it anyway?”

At the mention of the word bookies, Peter Publicbarlow appears and staggers down the street, “Bookies? I’m the only bookie around here. Or am I the only alcoholic? I can’t quite remember.” Meggy Bitchell looks up at him and says, “How dare you! My boy Phil is a better alcoholic than you’ll ever be. Us Bitchells are the best at everything because we’re the Bitchells.” A big cheer goes up from the Bitchell Famerlee.

Meanwhile the black cab is revving its engine waiting for its next occupant to be carried away for ever…

Doof Doof.

Perdita

18-02-2010, 18:41

:clap: brilliant, parkerman :D

alan45

19-02-2010, 00:34

Lloyd Dwarf gets out of the cab and walks over to Charlie Slateloose. For it has been him who is to go up West in the black cab. A new firm has taken over the manor and replaced E 17s solitary black cab with a fleet of minicabs from Weatherfield. Steve Young McDonald has taken over so he has. No longer will the cabs be seen as the angels of death.

Steve turns to Meggy Bitchell and says you are next you slapper. My Mum is a bigger slapper than you and she is taking over The Vic.

Fill Fill do samthin moans Meggy. Youramitchell dant lat im ave mahpub. Stand back Mum slurs Beetroot Man and staggers over to Steve. However on his way over he trips over Peter Baroombrawl and collapses in a drunken heap.

An you can get lost Janinetimesanight Im a respectable call girl says Lying Betterwear and I want you and your pimp off the square. Ive ditched Peter and am moving in with Barry Eavensabove and opening up a new business venture ere. A COCKtail bar.

Meanwhile as Lloyd dwarf is driving off with Charlie Slatelose he crashes the cab into a roundabout which in fact turns out to be Big More Slapper.

Down on the Walford Canal a barge pulls up alonside the body of Den Watts and out steps Martha Fowler and Joe 'Lucky Charm' McIntyre.......................................... ..........

Siobhan

19-02-2010, 10:04

"Janinetimesanight"... brilliant name :lol:

parkerman

19-02-2010, 10:13

All Purpose Story Line Special

It was a night like no other in the Square. The tension was so real that you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Many of its inhabitants were wandering round muttering to themselves under their breath. To the untrained observer it sounded as though they were rehearsing lines they would later be saying. Even to the trained observer that was how they sounded as well. Everyone was looking at everyone else, thinking “is it him or her or could it be me? I wish I knew.” Only Jack Branston, aka Phil Chunter, late of Moon Hill CID looked smug. “I’m a tough hard ex-copper,” he would go round saying to anyone who would listen, “and I know whodunit.”

Every now and then someone would sidle up to hard-as-nails Jack/Phil and offer a fiver for a quick look at the last page of the wad of papers he was carrying in his hand, but they were always refused. Some, including Janinetimesanight and Foxy Bitchell, offered other services just for a look at Jack’s appendix, but again he refused.

Jack was enjoying his new found fame and notoriety as the only man in the know. “At last,” he said, “I am someone who matters. No more upstaging by that whiney apology for a copper, Miss Salmonella Knickers. I am the tough man now. The hard man. Bitchells, pah! It’s all about me now.”

Jack picked up his pile of papers and reread the last page again. A smile spread slowly across his face. Suddenly, from out of the darkness of the night, the black cab returned and out got Didier “Deadend” Santander. He walked slowly to the middle of the Square, looked at the assembled company and pointed his finger at one of their number. “You,” he said quietly, “come with me. You are going for a ride in the black cab….”

Doof Doof

Chris_2k11

19-02-2010, 11:47

haha im actually lol'ing at this thread :lol:

please carry on doing this :D

alan45

22-02-2010, 11:57

As Stacey Sleeparound got into the back of the cab with Deaderick Santander there was a lour banging on the side of it. Deaderick and Stacey looked out the window and could see nothing so they opened the door to find a furious Meggy Bitchell banging the side of the cab with her fists.

''She cant be the murderer cos Im the star'' roared Meggy standing to he full height of 4'2'' '' She aint a Mitchell''
''Do sumthin Fill this show should be all about me Im a famous actwess and an National tweasure''

Fill the Fug pulls Deaderick from the cab and beats him senseless. '' My ma is the star of this show and she should be given the top storylines'' rants Fill

''Fill you are a Cupid Stun''t yells Ian Squeal from behind the safety of Big Mo.'' Dont you know there is a new producer in town. Deaderick is going to leave us''

Fill calls over to DCI Jill Madesumup and tells her ''Arrest Squeal and Sleeparound, after all what am I paying you for?? Get them to court and my tame Judge John Deeds will sentence them to be deported to Summer Bay.''

A piercing scream echoes across the square as a figure falls from the roof of the Queen Vic .................................................. ...

Perdita

22-02-2010, 12:01

:rotfl: Well done :D

parkerman

22-02-2010, 12:27

A big crowd gathers round to see who the figure is who has fallen from the roof. A loud gasp goes up when they realise it is none other than Sailor Joe.

Suddenly there is a screech of brakes as Lloyd Dwarf pulls up in his taxi and out jumps Galeforce Splatt and the Devil Boy himself. “Joe, Joe,” screams Galeforce, “I thought you were going to pretend to be dead. This is taking the insurance scam a bit far.” Meggy Bitchell is close to despair. “Wos goin’on ‘ere?” she screams, “Gerrouramysoap!” It’s bad enough bein’ upstaged by my own, but ‘avin’ you lot come dahn from up Norf is a disgrace. Fill, deal wiv’em!”

But just as Fill is about to take Galeforce round the neck and persuade her gently to leave the Square, her son, Devil Boy, looks at Fill and gestures at him with his right hand. Fill falls to the ground in a crumpled heap. “No-one messes with my mum,” says Devilboy, “except me obviously.”

Have the Mitchell Famerlee at last met their match? Stay tuned for the next thrilling instalment.

alan45

22-02-2010, 13:06

''Iv ony Den Watts were ere e wud nowattado'' sighs Dot Cottontail. At that a rather plump orange figure is a black leather jacket approached the crowd. It was none other than Princess Sharon Watts-Rickman-Mitchell. My dads dead and remember 'You only live twice' so I have come back to elp you all.

'Lord have mercy'' cries Dot ' ave you seen my Nick'.

''Your Nick is gone'' says Galeforce'' but you can have my David as hes an evil little so and so. Im off to join a convent.'' ''Oh Gail I am so pleased that you have found God'' says Emily Vicar

''God my ****'' says Galeforce '' Im just fed up with men they bring me nothing but heartache''

''You cant leave me mutha'' shrieks Devil Boy

Teflon Fill picks himself up from the square and heads off to Dagenham for a spot of Dogging as Meggy talks to anyone who will listen.

I was a famous movie star you know. People love me. Hoo will represent stenders at the CBBC awards this year. They need me. This show will be nothing wifout me.

Bernis Scripps arives and takes away the body of Sailor Joe as everyone else goes over to the Vic for a good old fashioned Eastend knees up....................................

Unaware that down in the cellar something was stirring.......................................... ............

Dazzle

22-02-2010, 14:02

Teflon Fill picks himself up from the square and heads off to Dagenham for a spot of Dogging...

:rotfl: :rotfl:

parkerman

22-02-2010, 19:06

In the bar the good old fashioned Eastenders knees up was going with a swing. Dot Cottontail had brought in the jellied eels; Chelsea Fux the pie and mash. Thicky Ricky had agreed to go out for the fish and chips but hadn’t managed to find his way to the door yet. Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above was calling for the male stripper along with Christmastree Clarke. At the bar, Churchill was trying to buy a round of drinks from Tracingpaper but as neither were allowed to speak they were having communication difficulties.

Behind the bar, Meggy Bitchell was still complaining to anyone who would listen that she had once been Britain’s brightest star and had been robbed of numerous Oscars over the years by nonentities like Judi Dench and Glenda Jackson. “Their bras didn’t fly off in a highly amusing way in a classic comedy like mine did,” she moaned. But, of course, no-one was actually listening, so her tales of woe disappeared in to the ether.

Meanwhile down in the depths below the bar, deep in the cellars, there was a strange murmuring, softly at first but gradually growing in volume until the noise was enough to halt the festivities in the bar above. Foxy Bitchell turned to Ronnie McDonald and said, “What’s that?” A look of terror spread across Ronnie’s face. “Don’t you get it?” she screamed, “He’s still controlling us. It’s Dad trying to run our pub from beyond the grave.” “I don’t believe you,” spat Foxy in anger. “Alright, don’t believe me,” Ronnie replied, “but it’s true.”

An eerie silence descended on the pub. Slowly the door creaked open. A hunched figure in a worn T-Shirt and an old pair of jeans entered the bar. A gasp went up. The figure looked across the room to where Dot Cottontail was hurriedly putting out a fag.

“’Ello Ma!”

parkerman

04-03-2010, 19:18

Seeing as my co-writer is taking a sabbatical I thought I would continue the story myself...:

It was, of course, Libertine, Chelsea Fux’s sister, who was on one of her regular visits to Victoria Square from Oxford. As soon as she saw her, Destiny Johnson screamed in delight. “Libertine,” she cried, “I haven’t seen you for at least two days. Why did you have to go away to Oxford?” Next to her, Luke Skywalker Johnson was looking decidedly shifty. “What do you know about Owen and Trina and Sugar?” He said grabbing Libertine by the arm. “How did you know I was on the boat when Sailor Joe died? Who told you I saw Mark in the woods? Come on spit it out.” Libertine was taken aback, but before she could answer the deep rumbling sound from the cellar started up again.

Ronnie dropped the glass she was holding and ran screaming from the pub, “Get away from me, Dad,” she yelled! “Who told her I was in the pub when Archie got killed?” shouted Luke. Just at that moment, Inspector Marsbar appeared silhouetted at the door of the King Albert. “It wasn’t me,” shrieked Luke, “you’ve got nothing on me.” “I don’t understand what you’re talking about, sir,” said Inspector Marsbar, “I’ve just come in for a drink.” “And I wasn’t there when Den was murdered,” Luke added. “In fact I wasn’t even born when Reg Groves met his untimely end. You can’t pin anything on me.”

The moment Den’s name was mentioned all the regulars in the King Albert knew it could only mean one thing, and sure enough the back door of the bar opened and in walked….

alan45

04-03-2010, 19:58

Arfur Fowler. He really loved that place.
Allo folks said the genial Arfur. Wheres my Pauline!! The regulars stood their open mouthed. Shes gone up west said Fat Pat Evans-Above. Yes agreed the rest thats it shes gone up west. West Londondon Crematorium more like said the one dissenting voice. It was John Binman. Yes Im afraid she was Miss Brahms and Liszt one night and as she was walking across the square she tripped over Janines pussy which was lying in a drunken heap outside Beale Towers.

Poor ole Arfur shook his head in disbelief. I just went up the allotment the other week spen some time in Barton Street and Colby and when I come back shes gone. Anyway I better get ome as Seashell will be wondering where I am. With that he trotted off to the Fowler residence

parkerman

05-03-2010, 16:32

Yes Im afraid she was Miss Brahms and Liszt one night :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

parkerman

08-03-2010, 22:57

Outside the King Albert the rain began to fall gently creating puddles on the dusty pavements. “We need this rain,” said Luckypurple Heather, as she pushed baby Michael up the kerb. “Why’s that?” asked her best friend Shirley Youcantbeserious. “Well,” said Luckypurple, “we haven’t had a road sweeper since Gus Who upped and left for the celebrity life with his girl friend’s band, so the roads have got very dirty. This rain’ll wash it all away.” “You do talk some old cobblers, Luckypurple,” said her best friend. “Of course there’s still a road sweeper, it’s just that he doesn’t feature in any important story lines like Gus or Robbie Jacksey or Arfur did. It ‘appens all the time round ‘ere. Sometimes the doctor is a central figure in the Square, sometimes ‘e’s not. It’s just the same with the vicar and the market inspector. Sometimes you’d fink the Square couldn’t operate without them but other times they're not around for years on end.”

Just as Luckypurple was about to reply, they noticed Ronnie McDonald sitting on the bench outside the King Albert in tears. As the pair looked at her, Jack Branston aka Phil Chunter came out the pub. “What’s the matter, Ron?” he said. “Go away, Jack,” she replied. “But Ron,” pleaded Jack, “We’re made for each other. I can’t live without you.” “No Jack, we’re bad for each other. We make each other unhappy. I just want to sit here and cry. It’s all dad’s fault.”

Meanwhile back inside the Albert, Luke Skywalker had Inspector Marsbar pinned up against the wall while he continued to protest his innocence. “I was nowhere near Steve Owen when he was blown up. As for Barry Evans I have never been to Scotland. I couldn’t even tell you who Saskia Duncan was. I can’t drive so Danielle Jones and Tiffany Mitchell were nothing to do with me. I’ve never heard of Stella Crawford or Mad May the Dopey Doctor. You must be joking if you think I’d tangle with the likes of Johnny Allen. And as for Paul Trueman, how could I be friends with Patrick if I’d had anything to do with his murder? As for Ethel, you want Dot Cottontail. She’s the real murderer.” Inspector Marsbar finally managed to shake Luke Skywalker off as he fell to the ground frothing at the mouth.

Destiny Johnson, who had been looking on, came over and picked her husband up. “Come on Luke,” she said, how about a nice cup of tea? You’ll soon feel better.”

Suddenly the noise in the cellar got louder…

parkerman

16-03-2010, 15:05

Meanwhile up in Weatherfield, dawn broke at the start of a glorious day. The sun was soon riding high in the Heaven and the birds were chirruping in the trees. It was such a lovely day that a mother and her devoted son decided to have a picnic. They gathered together the necessary equipment and food and set off full of the joys of Spring to enjoy some time together.

While this was happening, the woman’s daughter together with her daughter had just arrived unexpectedly at the woman’s mother’s house. “Darling, what a lovely surprise,” said the woman’s mother. “Your mother has gone off for a picnic, let’s go and surprise her.”

So the three generations went off in search of the mother and son. They soon found them lying back in the meadow without a care in the world soaking up the sunshine as it beat down on them. As soon as she saw her daughter the woman sat up and said, “I didn’t know you were coming over. How wonderful. I couldn’t have wished for anything better. I now have my whole family around me in such magnificent surroundings. This truly is an idyllic moment, one I will treasure always. I am such a lucky woman. Everything always seems to go right for me. I bet other women wish they could be as lucky as me.

Suddenly the alarm clock went off and Gail woke up.

alan45

16-03-2010, 22:44

Suddenly the alarm clock went off and Gail woke up........................

and looked around at the four grey walls that surrounded her and she realised that she was only dreamin. For there's a guard and a sad old padre

She was immediatly dazzled by the brilliant white smile of her cellmate Tracyluv Barstool doing her Arkle impersonation. ''Let me be your friend Gale Force, its a nasty place in here, you dont know who you can trust'' ''Oh thank you Tracyluv'' said Gale Force '' Ive bin framed by Tina Mc Sparetyre.'' ''Dont worry I can help you, but first of all I need you to sign this piece of folded paper just to keep things right with my insurance'' smiled a scheming Tracyluv. ''People think Im niave you know, but Im not'' cried Gale ''my first husband was stabbed, my second a murderer and my third a drug addicted fraudster, but luckily my Mum Oddrey and my sons Damien and Nick Newhead are standing by me.''

''Thats a nice tape recorder you have Tracyluv, was it a present from Ken?''
''No I got it off Old Bill''
''Webster???'' asked a puzzeled Galeforce

''No Bill my Open University tutor, he wants me to record a play what I wrote, would you like to take part in it''
''Well that depends'' says Gale '' as I dont think I will be here very long according to my lawyer Marcus Mohamed''
''He says the filth have nothing on me unless I make a verbal or written confession''

''He should know as he has got the Bitchells off with murder for years''

Tracy laughed. She could hear that train a coming, its coming down the line she was stuck in Wholsome Prison since she killed Charlie Stuboutthatfag but she could see that she would soon be a free woman and back in Weatherfield where she belonged

Outside the warden led the prisoner down the hallway to his room

parkerman

19-03-2010, 11:01

Tracy followed them down until they came to the warden’s room. They stepped inside and Tracy placed her tape recorder on the table. “Now then,” said the warden, who was none other than the recently promoted Mr MacKay, “Tracy here has written a little play which we would like you, Gail, to star in. Here are your lines,” he said handing her a single sheet of A4 paper.

Gail read through the script and shook her head. “I’m not sure I’m a good enough actor to do this.” “Well,” said Mr MacKay, “We’ve seen Tracy acting in prison plays and believe me you can’t be any worse. Sometimes we’re hard put to know whether the lines are being spoken by her or by part of the scenery.” “Ok then,” said Gail, “I’ll give it a go. It’s funny though, looking at the script it reminds me of what the police have been trying to get me to say.” “Just a coincidence,” said Mr Mackay.

The tape recorder was switched on and Mr Mackay said, “Action!” Gail began to read her lines: “The night Joe was murdered I was with him on a boat in the Lake District. As we sailed off I hit him over the head with a hammer and threw him into the muddy waters. I did this so that I could get my hands on the life insurance.” “That’s great,” said Mr Mackay. “Is that all there is to it?” asked Gail, “It’s not a very long play is it?” “Oh there’s a bit more,” put in Tracy, “but you don’t need to worry about that. You can go back to the cell now and I’ll see you in a little while…or not as the case may be.”

After Gail had left, the Manchester Soap Police arrived and listened to Gail’s speech on the tape recorder. “Brilliant, Tracy,” said the first policeman, “Even though you have about twelve more years of your sentence to serve, I’m letting you go now, to thank you for your help in nailing another murderer.” “Thanks,” said Tracy, “I’m off to spend my grandmother’s money. She left me everything you know. I’m going off to buy my brother a brewery and then I’m heading south to buy out Roxy Bitchell….”

alan45

19-03-2010, 11:15

With a hop, skip and a jump Traceyluv left the Weatherfield Big House and followed the yellow cobbled road to Consternation Street, The residents were going about their everyday lives blissfully unawre of the sensational events that were about to rock the street with explosive consequences.

Chris_2k11

21-03-2010, 19:57

lmao loving this :D

parkerman

22-03-2010, 12:55

While Tracyluv was enjoying her new found freedom, back in Slade Prison things were beginning to happen as the soap police took their new found evidence along to George Rook, the well known chess playing director of the CPS. “This won’t do at all,” he told Laurel and Hardy. “Why on earth would Gale take a hammer on board the boat? No-one would believe a story like that. Go back and see what else you can find out.”

The two policeman looked dismayed. “We’ll have to call in the experts,” said Laurel to Hardy (or was it the other way round?). “What, you mean call in Inspector Marsbar from Walford?” replied Hardy to Laurel (or vice versa).

Soon the phone was ringing in Walford nick. Inspector Marsbar (for it was she) picked up the phone and listened intently. Finally she agreed to drop everything and head north. On arriving in Weatherfield she read up the case notes and called in Sergeants Laurel and Hardy. “You’ve done it all wrong,” she explained. “Now listen to me as I am an expert. So far, although I have not managed to arrest Beetroot Bitchell in spite of him committing more crimes than Jack the Ripper, I have been successful in finding Archangel Bitchell’s killer, the villainous Bradley Walsh, so I know what I’m talking about. The problem you have here is that no-one will believe Gale took a hammer on board the boat. You need to get her to confess to a much more believable story than that. Say, for example, she was to say that she had hidden a rolling pin to stop Sailor Joe making a potato pie and had then used it to beat him over the head with it, washed off all traces of hair, fingerprints and DNA and replaced it on the top shelf in the kitchen, you have a watertight case (if you’ll forgive the pun). That’s what we would do in the Eastend”

Laurel and Hardy looked at each other in disbelief. “Who would believe that load of old tosh?” one of them said to the other one, “Not even a fantasy script could get away with that one!”

alan45

24-03-2010, 16:01

Meanwhile back on T'cobbles

Traceyluv approached the Streetcars Office just in time to see Tubular Dogbreath set off in a minicab in the direction of ''dahn saff'' where rumour has it she is to appear in the Cbeebies program Leastenders as yet another member of the multitudinous Mitchell crime family Leggy Mitchell.

''Ello Eileen'' grinned Tracyluv

''WTF'' said Eileen nearly choking on her low calorie Bacon and Sausage Barm, ''When did you get out of the Big House''

'They released me when they discovered that it was actually Gail Force Platt who murdered Charlie Stubbitout. So now Im back to take over as Superbiatch of the Street and no-one is going to stand in my way. NO ONE!!!!!!!!''

''Prison has turned me into a hard faced cow although the folk round here wont notice the difference'' she smiled '' I havent had a head and body transplant this time.''

''I see your manners nor your acting ability have improved'' laughed Big Eileen.

''Shut it bitch'' roared Traceyluv '' Im off down to the Rovers to see MY Steve and my loving daughter SAMEY but I havent finished with you yet Eilleen, you see prison has changed me, Ive become bi-sexual as it doubles my chances of a date''

Eileen choked on her Barm

As Traceyluv walk accross the street in the direction of T'Rovers she spied little Samey her mute daughter hand in hand with her Stepmum Becky ''Grangemouth' Mc Donald sharing a bottle of cheap cider.

''Oi you slapper''

Molly Dobnob answered '' Are you talking to me???

''No that tart with my daughter'' sneered Traceyluv

''Who you calling a tart, Jailbird'' sneered Becky
At that Traceyluv exploded and grabbed Becky by the peroxide roots of the hair and hit her a slap

Steve McDonald who had witnessed the meeting of the present Mrs Mc Donald with a jilted Mrs McDonald ran quickly into T'Rovers

Mam mam '' You better come quickly, Traceyluv and Becky are outside fighting''

Liz Mc Donald known as MAM for two obvious reasons stepped out from behind the bar and out onto Confrontation Street.

Chris_2k11

24-03-2010, 16:11

As Traceyluv walk accross the street in the direction of T'Rovers she spied little Samey her mute daughter hand in hand with her Stepmum Becky ''Grangemouth' Mc Donald sharing a bottle of cheap cider.

''Oi you slapper''

Molly Dobnob answered '' Are you talking to me???
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

parkerman

25-03-2010, 19:08

By the greatest coincidence imaginable, just at this moment, an old familiar face got off the bus and walked slowly down Copulation Street to where Tracyluv and Becky were now rolling around on the floor watched by Nozza Coalman, who was tut tutting away and saying, “I don’t know why we have to watch this sort of thing.”

The old familiar face stopped outside TRovers just as Steve and his MAM walked out. Steve was gobsmacked. “Not you as well?” he sighed. “What sort of welcome is that?” asked Karen McDoughnut, fresh from her triumphs in a number of other television plays unlike most people who leave soaps. “Karen?” spluttered MAM. “No longer Karen,” came the reply, “I am now Suream Jones, and I’m glad I’ve left the cobbles, or should I say cobblers, behind me, if this is the best you can do.” Looking down at the two women fighting on the floor, she said, “There was a time when I would have dealt with both of these put together with one hand tied behind my back, but not now, because I am famous and don’t stoop to that level any more.”

“I love you, Karen or Suream, or whatever your name is,” declared Steve, but before he could say any more another old familiar face also appeared on the scene, so he did. “Jim,” said MAM, “where did you come from?” “Well, apparently, it’s our 50th anniversary soon and all the old ‘uns who can still walk are being rounded up to appear again on tcobbles so they are.” “But will there be enough storylines to go round?” asked his estranged wife.

“Don’t worry about that,” said Normal “Cutey” Watts, “Take me for example, I have just returned for absolutely no reason at all. We’ll all be here soon. It’ll be just like Deadenders with Sonia and Robbie and Carol etc. And don’t worry about storylines, we can do what they did in Walford when they started to explore a story about Sonia and Martin Fowlup and then just forgot about it when Sonia went back home. I understand Ena Sharpoint, Elsie Sixpence and Albert Fetlock will be arriving soon, courtesy of Archie Shuttlecock. I believe he’s done a good job on them. Tony Gord’elpus is also planning a comeback soon, breaking free from prison to come and terrorise Martyr Conwoman. Oh yes, she’s back as well.”

This was all too much for Nozza Coalman to take in. Here he was first with the news, but would his friends Emily Christian and Rita Gingernut believe him. He made off towards TRovers to meet them.

Meanwhile Tracyluv and Becky were still rolling around on the floor oblivious to the gathering crowd of old timers when Eileen, having finished her Barm, kicked Tracyluv in the stomach and said, “Were you making a pass at me just then? Because if you were I’ll have you know I’m very particular who I go out with. Take Colonel Mustard for example. Now he was a real man. You call yourself a murderer, Tracy, but my Colonel Mustard has murdered Dr. Black millions of times in homes up and down the country with bits of lead pipe, a candlestick and lots of other things. So if you want to take me out you’ll have to sharpen your ideas up a bit.”

Tracyluv smiled as she grabbed yet another handful of Becky’s hair. “You wait, I’ve only just started on the McDoughnut Family. When I’ve finished with this lot here I’m moving on to Tina McDonought and that gormless boyfriend of hers, Jason Woodenhead.”

Eileen screamed. “You leave my Jason alone,” she shrieked. And suddenly she was on the floor with the other two joining in the fight.

Suream looked on in disgust….

alan45

26-03-2010, 01:36

Just HTF can I follow that.

But hey the devil hates a coward

Chris_2k11

26-03-2010, 01:59

this better not end haha its too good :D

Siobhan

26-03-2010, 09:18

this better not end haha its too good :D

Here here.. don't end this.. so funny

alan45

26-03-2010, 11:41

At least my co-writer has introduced plenty of new characters

parkerman

26-03-2010, 12:28

New old characters...

alan45

29-03-2010, 14:22

The scene on the street was interrupted by the wailing of police sirens as two police cars raced into Constipation Street. Out of the first one jump PC Penny Black, Sgt May Ackland and Jim (no relation to Max) Carter. As they ran to separate the feuding wimmin Doris Coalman turned to Cavein Webster and said’’ I don’t like the look of this, who sent for the Bill’’ ‘’ Someone call for me’’ said jovial master Builder Bill ‘’Superstud’’ Webster. ‘’Get lost Dad;‘’ said Cavein ‘’ We was minding us own business when the filth arrived’’

At the other end of the street Reggiebabemagnet Holeless and Des Thereisataverninthetown were trying to arrest Big Jim McDonught.

‘’Houl on mucker what are yousins doing I’m innocent so I am’’ said the eternal victim Jim ‘’Ive just come down to see Elizabeth so I have’’

Reggiebabemagnet and Des bundled a protesting Big Jim into the back of Sierra 1 and carted him off to the Big House so they did.

‘’ I demand to know what you are doing here luvvie’’ said Oddrey Roberts’’ Meh husband used to be the Mayor of Weatherfield’’

The beautiful May Ackland turned to Oddrey and told her ‘’ The scumbags dow the ITV manor have grassed up our colleagues down Sunhill way and are making them disappear into places like oblivion and Albert Square.’’ We are trying to make a name for ourselves up North while we haven’t been forgotten.’’

Damien Pratt came over ‘’ Can you help me mam as she is in the Big House charged with murdering Sailor Joe but shes innocent I tell you INNOCENT.’’

‘’This looks like a case for our foremost Detective’’ said PC Penny Black.

‘’Yes’’ said May ‘’ Lets send for Beth Kiddiecop

parkerman

29-03-2010, 19:57

With the wailing of sirens a bevy of police cars screamed into Consternation Street and screeched to a halt in front of The Kabin. As soon as they stopped, the superintendent, Jack Grazingpasture, leapt out. “Just what I needed,” he said, as he looked at the poster on the door, “a Post Office. I need to buy a stamp.” However, on walking inside he discovered, that is spite of the poster offering all sorts of postal services, there was no postal counter after all. “I’ve been had,” he said, “Now where can I buy a stamp?” Just then a young eight year old girl got out of one of the other cars and said, “Don’t worry, sir, I have a stamp for you.” Jack looked at her in awe and admiration. “What would we do without you, Beth?” he asked rhetorically.

“Listen everyone,” said Jack, “We’re here to save Sun Hill from those who would shut us down and demolish the station.” A big cheer went up from the assembled coppers. “They’ve tried to get me many times, but they’ve never succeeded. Remember how the whole station was sacked once before after Don Seashore was found to be corrupt, but I kept my job. Then there was the time Tom Candlemaker tried to give me the push, but it was him who was written out, not me. And then there was the Vince Parkeeper affair. Did they get me? No, they didn’t. I’m the Teflon Man. Nothing sticks to me. Stay with me and you’ll all keep your jobs.” Most of the audience were in tears. Beth was blubbing like a little girl, which, of course, she was. Even DI Mansfield very nearly, but not quite, broke into a faint smile. “Back to work,” he ordered. “Where’s DS Carthorse anyway? We can’t solve any crimes without him.”

Suddenly Beth called for silence. “I have just worked out what happened to Sailor Joe,” she said, “Galeforce Splatt is innocent. Let her go. And I know who murdered Archie, it was Stacey Slapper. Arrest her. I’ve also just solved the Jack the Ripper case and I know where Lord Lucan is. O.J. Simpson did it.” One interested spectator listening to all this was a visitor from the Eastend. “You know,” she said to Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above, who had accompanied her on her trip oop north, “I could swear I’ve seen that amazingly talented policewoman somewhere before.” Fat Pat replied, “How could you have done? Don’t be silly, Ruby.”

alan45

30-03-2010, 00:10

''Ive just ad a brilliant idea Jack'' simpered Kiddiecop.'' We all know that Gale-Force is innocent and I the worlds greatest defective have come up with a cunning plan''

Jack was all ears ''Bloody good plan Beth I knew we could rely on you''

''But you havent heard my idea yet Jack''

''I know its bound to be good but I suppose you better tell me anyway''

Well I was finking that I could go undercover

The real police officers let out a sigh

''Steady on guys lets hear her out, after all she solved 9/11 for the yanks as well as all the Major crime in London'' said Jack

''Fanks Guv co I was finking that I could pretend to be Samey Barlow and move in with Traceyluv. She would fink I was her real daughter and I could find out how she set up Gale-Force and get her sent dahn''

'Briiliant plan Beth, Samey has changed so many times that Traceyluv wouldnt even notice''

Max Carthorse stood up to his full 3 foot 6 and puffed out his chest ''But Guv Im a Sergeant and Im a supercop and I want to dress up as a little girl'' cried Max '' Let me be Samey Barlow.

DI Alan Shearer put in his tuppenceworth '' I have a friend who is an undercover reporter an she could do the job. Shes staying up at Emmerdale on a drugs story but I could get her sent down here as shes free every night after half past 7.

''Thats it'' said Jack ''We can use all three and they can sneak into the Barlows via the secret entrance from the bogs in T'Rovers.''

Damien Pratt was delighted and he had already taken a shine to the voluptuous midget who being two foot shorter than Damien was ideal for what he had in mind.

''Right'' said Jack '' Who's for a pint in T'rovers

parkerman

01-04-2010, 21:39

It was night time and Ken Boring and his wife Dreary were just getting ready for their nightly cup of cocoa when they heard a strange sound in the upstairs bedroom. “Go up and see what that noise is, Ken.” “I expect it’s just Samey. Remember we agreed to take her off Steve’s hands tonight so he and Becky could –“ “Yes, well never mind that,” put in Dreary quickly, “We’re pre watershed you know. It’s alright for all those coppers on The Bill they can say and do what they like, but we can’t. In any case it can’t be Samey. Have you forgotten she never utters a sound as that way the producers can get away with not paying her?” “Oh yes,” replied Ken, “so I wonder what the noise it is. Surely it can’t be someone impersonating her…can it?”

Meanwhile, down in Walford, Beetroot Bitchell was just putting the finishing touches to his subtle plan to get Louise back. “Look, Shirl, first of all, you invite the social worker in while I’ide be’ind the door. As soon as ‘e’s in, I’ll bash ‘im over the ‘ead wiv a mallet which will be ‘andily placed under the cushions on the sofa. Then we’ll tie ‘im up and tell the cops we’ll only release ‘im if they give us Louise. ‘Ow does that sound to you?” “Brilliant, Phil. I love you,” said Shirley Youcantbeserious. The Milky Bar Kid looked at his dad with some scepticism before walking out the room and slamming the door behind him. “Whassamatter wiv ‘im?” said Beetroot, “When will ‘e learn to be a Mitchell?” “Now your talking,” put in the Poison Dwarf who was listening intently to Beetroot’s plan, “my good friends the Krays would’ve known ‘ow to deal wiv this problem. They always said the famerlee ‘as to stick together. The famerlee that slays together stays together is ‘ow they used to put it. Those were the good old days…” “Right, now then, mine’s a double,” said Beetroot.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. “Action stations,” shouted Beetroot as he took up his position behind the door. Shirley opened it, but it wasn’t a social worker, it was a new young keen police officer. “Billie?” said Shirley in amazement. “Yeh, blud, I’m a copper now innit and I been sent to take Beetroot Bitchell.” “What for?” demanded the Poison Dwarf in her ever protective motherly way as Beetroot himself came out from behind the door holding his mallet in his hand. “That’s bare sick man, nick, respect!” exclaimed Billie. Suddenly he saw Zsa Zsa lying on the sofa. “Hey, yo a buff ting,” he continued. “What the ‘ell are you talking abaht?” said the Poison Dwarf. “I ‘aven’t understood a word you’ve said since you got ‘ere.”

“Well you’ll have to learn,” exclaimed Billie, “I’m going to be the star of a new police series on TV. They’ve done away with The Bill and they’re going to replace it with The Billie….”

Abigail

01-04-2010, 21:49

The famerlee that slays together stays together is ‘ow they used to put it.

:D I love that line.

parkerman

14-05-2010, 16:32

I just felt like reviving this again...:

A lot of water had flown under the bridge in Walford since Billie appeared at Phil’s house…and yet, somehow it all seemed so familiar as though time had stood still.

As night closed in on another day in the Square, Billy – not to be confused with Billie – was looking through the Beales’s dustbin. “They must ‘ave thrown away somefing I can use,” he muttered to himself. “They’re a lot richer than me and I ‘ate ‘em. In fact I ‘ate everyone. Everyone is better off than me. No-one cares about me. No-one will give me a job. I’ve looked everywhere on the Square but can’t get anyfing. Someone suggested going a couple of streets further away where they heard there was a job going, but whoever ‘eard of anyone who lives on the Square ‘avin’ a job somewhere else? It’s ridiculous.”

Suddenly from out of the shadows came the newly sinister figure of Ben Milky Bar. “Ben,” exclaimed Billy, “you gave me a fright.” “Shut up!” ordered Ben “I give the orders from now on. You wanna job?” “More than anyfing,” replied Billy. “Well, I want you to terrorise my sister.” “You want what?” said Billy, scarcely able to believe his ears.” ”You ‘eard,” said Ben, putting on his hard face. “Well, ‘ow can I do that?” asked Billy. “I want you to take ‘er down the Community Centre and dance wiv ‘er until she gets really fed up. That’ll teach ‘er a lesson.” Billy was nonplussed.

As Billy and Louise started their tenth salsa, Lucas came over. “You’re doing a lot of dancing you two,” he said. “Yeh,” said Billy, “Louise loves it.” Just as Louise was about to protest, Lucas interrupted and said, “Jesus is looking at you. He knows the truth. Your immortal soul is in danger if you’re lying to me, Billy. He will overthrow you as He overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah. You will be like a burning stick thrown into the fires of Hell. This is what He will do to you, Billy. You must prepare to meet your God. And I know what I’m talking about. I’ve already prepared a number of people to meet their God. Just don’t go anywhere near that tree in the Square.” Billy was nonplussed.

Billy hurriedly left the Community Centre. “Perhaps two streets away wouldn’t be so bad after all,” he thought to himself….

Chloe O'brien

15-05-2010, 00:47

OMG Lucas is going to waterboard Billy for his sins.

parkerman

29-05-2010, 15:40

A glimpse into the future

Time has moved on and we are now in a prison somewhere in the Midlands. It is a new experimental prison where male and females are allowed to mix together.

In one cell are Gail and Tracy. Gail, of course, has never forgiven Tracy and refuses to speak to her. Tracy is still working on a plan to get early release so she can stop Becky from being happy.

In another cell are Tony and Lucas, both in for murder. They are not speaking either because Lucas just spends all day ranting and raving about God while Tony is just completely bonkers but no-one seems to have noticed, so he is languishing in prison instead of the mental hospital he should be in.

Next door to their cell are Ben and David. Ben, of course is in for grievous bodily harm while David is in for perjury and perverting the course of justice. He tells anyone who cares to listen that his mother is innocent, but, actually no-one cares to listen. Ben is a member of the prison corps de ballet. In fact he is the only member of the prison corps de ballet. They don’t get on either.

Further along the corridor are Nick, also in for perjury and perverting the course of justice as well as theft and Billy, in for tampering with the Royal Mail. Billy is forever moaning about his luck and asking Nick for money and gets quite angry when Nick tells him he has none.

Back in the female wing in another cell are Zoe and Sam, strangely enough next door to Chrissie. They communicate all day long by tapping Morse Code messages about Den Watts through the wall. In the same cell as Chrissie, though taking little part in the Morse Code messaging is Stacey, in for murdering Archie.

One day they all receive a visit from two television producers, who gather them all together in a room and tell them that as there are officially now more characters inside prison than on the Square or on the cobbles, they are going to axe Eastenders and Coronation Street and begin a new soap to be called “In it to Win it”, an everyday story of prison folk, who are forced to endure Dale Winton visiting as extra punishment.

Lucas thanks the Lord and Tony passes the ammunition.

Perdita

29-05-2010, 16:59

Very good :D

parkerman

19-06-2010, 12:29

Just a short one this time:

Adam and Libby are in Adam’s car somewhere on the M40.

Libby: Are you sure this is the way to Oxford, Adam?
Adam: I don’t know, I’ve never been there.
Libby: Nor have I. Perhaps we’d better ask someone.

Perdita

19-06-2010, 12:50

:lol:

parkerman

22-06-2010, 15:10

Another peek into the future...:

The smouldering remains of the Queen Vic cast a stale burning stench over the Walford air. The normally happy-go-lucky denizens of Albert Square were in a state of shock.

“So many of our friends dead or missing,” wailed Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above. “And just think, it could have been me in there.” The total numbers dead or missing amounted to 13. “Unlucky for some,” mused Libby, who, at that moment, was glad she had never been able to find her way to Oxford as she felt she needed to be with those who had lost their lives in the producer’s cull – sorry, in the fire. Amongst those definitely gone were Stacey Slagperson, Charlie Cabbie, Chelsea Fux and Minty with the hole in the head.

Lucas looked on in amazement. “This fire has killed more people than even I could manage. God is being unkind to me. Who did it? Who has God chosen above me to slaughter the wicked?”

Just as he said the words, Little Ben Milky Bar Kid pushed through what was left of the saloon bar doors (older readers will recognise the allusion here). “It was me, Lucas,” he said, “I am the new villain of Albert Square.” “You look different,” said Lucas. “Yes, it’s the new mean me,” replied the new kid on the block. “And if you don’t watch out your Community Centre will be going up in flames too.” Lucas stepped back.

Suddenly Roxy Bitchell entered the glowing embers of what had once been her pride and joy. “I can’t believe it,” she said, “Little Ben. Someone must have put you up to this.”

“You’re damn right they did,” exclaimed the Queen of Walford, entering stage left in dramatic fashion with her bra pinging off her ample bosoms. “This is all mine and if I can’t have it no-one can. Now gerrouramypub all of you.”

And with that there was great rejoicing in all the land that Peggy Bitchell was unharmed and back in her rightful place behind the bar of the Queen Vic, even though it wasn’t there any more.

To be continued in high def….

parkerman

16-08-2010, 19:17

Tram Crash Special

It is getting dark in Weatherfield and the evening rush hour has just begun. In normal circumstances this would not affect the residents of Coronation Street as none of them commute any more than 10 yards to get to work. But this is going to be a night like no other. As people board the 7:30 p.m. tram from Manchester Central (or somewhere) little do they and the people below realise what fate has in store for them.

Down below the tram bridge on the famous cobbles, practically everyone is getting ready to go to the Rovers for a drink or two as you do. Rita, Norris and Tina are just tidying up the Kabin, each wondering where the post office counter is, while Dev and Sunita are cashing up in the corner store. However, this is no ordinary night as everyone in the street seems to have had a premonition that things might not be quite the same after tonight. Many have checked their contracts but even Ken Barlow is apprehensive. “50 years is a long time,” he tells Deirdre, as they prepare for another affair each – I mean prepare for another night out at the Rovers. Perhaps the most worried of all is poor Molly, who says she has had nightmares reading the newspapers and websites. Jack Duckworth is not worried one way or the other as he continues to do good deeds. “I’ll be heading for the new bar, The Joinery, the same as usual,” he confides in Tyrone. “I might come with you,” replies Tyrone, “along with my best mate, Kevin. He’s always been so good to me. We should be there together.”

Over at the Peacocks, Claire remembers they’ve run out of fish fingers and tells Ashley she thinks it would be a good idea if the whole family went over to Dev’s shop before it closes to buy a packet. Ashley is not convinced but agrees for the sake of a quiet life, so they all get their coats on and head for the Corner Shop.

Over at Eileen’s, Sean is excited because Violet has agreed to visit and bring Dylan with her. They have agreed to meet under the viaduct. Eileen herself has an assignation with Owen, or maybe it’s another man, she can’t quite remember. All she knows is she’s arranged to meet him just outside The Joinery. Up in Jason’s room, Jason and Rosie are going at it hammer and tongs. They have absolutely no thoughts about going out, considering it the best way to remain safe, though they are reckoning without Mediawatch UK, who are even now watching with intense interest, hoping they can catch a quick glimpse of something unmentionable so they can rewind it on their Sky Plus and watch it a hundred times before sending off a letter of complaint.

Locking the door behind him, Roy tells Hayley he is just off to the viaduct to do a bit of tram spotting. “They have a new tram running tonight and I want to get its number.” He tells her. “I’ll come with you,” replies Hayley, “I fancy an evening out at the viaduct.”

It is time for the adverts.

To be continued….

parkerman

17-08-2010, 16:42

With the adverts over, we are now in the cab office. Steve and Lloyd are playing around. The phone rings. Lloyd answers, “Yes, OK….why there?....oh, no, no problem. In about 5 minutes then.” “Who was that?” asks Steve. “It was Fiz. Her, John Stape and Chesney want to get a cab to go into town, but they want picking up under the viaduct for some reason. I said I’d be there in five minutes. I might go and get Cheryl and go into town with them.” With that he walks out the door.
At the shop, Rita and the others are still clearing up when Emily and Mary walk in. “We thought we’d help you tidy up,” says Emily. Over at Dev’s, Sophie slips out the back way. She tells Sunita she has arranged to meet Sian just behind the viaduct. Sunita says she doesn’t want to know.

Over at the Windasses, Eddie shows Anna and Gary (who is home on leave) his latest cake. “I thought I’d take this along to The Joinery,” he says, “They might give us a free drink.”

Similar scenes are carried out all over Coronation Street as the various characters make their plans for the night. For some reason they all seem to centre either on the Viaduct, Dev’s shop, the Kabin or The Joinery. By 8:00 the whole cast is assembled in this small area, including Jim McDonald, who only arrived back in Weatherfield the previous night, so he did.

As everyone crowds into this small area, they hear the rumbling sound of a tram approaching, but it is no ordinary rumble. “That tram is going faster than normal,” says Roy. Everyone looks up, but it is Jack who sees her first. “What’s my Vera doing driving that tram?” he gasps. Suddenly there is the sound of screeching brakes and the crash of falling masonry. “The bridge is collapsing,” shouts Jim. But before he can say, “so it is,” the whole edifice comes crashing down bringing the tram with it. Dev’s shop, the Kabin and The Joinery are all flattened. The ground is strewn with rubble and carriages. Everyone is buried underneath with not a sign of movement anywhere.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, Archie Shuttleworth lumbers up the street rubbing his hands with glee. “What a night,” he says, “what a night!”

And roll credits….

parkerman

11-12-2010, 09:46

Oh well, I think I'll give up this mystic Meg lark!!! :D

Chris_2k11

11-12-2010, 10:42

Oh well, I think I'll give up this mystic Meg lark!!! :D
Nooooooo!! This is thread of the year!!

alan45

11-12-2010, 11:10

Sorry mate I nust start adding a bit to it to keep it going

parkerman

11-12-2010, 17:09

Nooooooo!! This is thread of the year!!

Thank you, Chris. I didn't really mean I wanted to stop doing it.I just meant comparing my tram crash episode to the real things was completely wrong!

parkerman

23-12-2010, 10:51

All purpose Eastenders Christmas Special

As the snow gently fell on Albert Square, all the residents were making last minute preparations for their Christmas dinner. In spite of their experiences over the last 25 years, each of them was hoping for a trouble free day with no explosive revelations that would rock the Square. It was too much to hope for.

Over at the Beales, Ian had decided to catch a turkey himself as it would be cheaper than buying one, so a couple of days earlier he had gone up to Norfolk and camped outside the late Bernard Matthews’ farm in the hope that one of his turkeys might escape. Sure enough he was rewarded when a gaggle (or is that geese?) broke loose from a small hole in the fence and Ian had dived on one, put it in a bag and brought it back home.

Sadly for Ian, Bobby saw it and decided to adopt it, so now, not only did Ian have to go out and buy a turkey after all, but he also had an extra mouth to feed. However, he managed to save money on the vegetables by going up to the allotments and going through the waste that people had thrown out, managing to find just enough for the Beales’ Christmas dinner.

Christian and Syed were the first guests to arrive. In fact they were the only guests to arrive. Lucy was still at her grandmas while Peter just refused to come down from his room. As Bobby had decided to stay outside in the garden with the turkey there was just Ian and Jane, Christian and Syed for Christmas dinner.

It all started well until Christian mentioned Glenda. “I know,” he said, looking at Ian. Ian blanched. “What do you know?” he asked. “I just know,” replied Christian. “It was a one-off,” pleaded Ian, “Jane, I wouldn’t hurt you. I slept with her once, that’s all.” “Oh, I didn’t know that,” said Christian, “I meant I knew that Glenda was getting better after her fall down the stairs.” Ian looked aghast. Jane picked up the turkey and brought it down over Ian’s head, the stuffing flying everywhere.

Over at the Brannings, all sorts of people had assembled for dinner, including Max, Vanessa, Tanya, Greg, Abbie, Lauren, Jack, Ronnie, Dot and Jim. All was going well until suddenly Lauren took out her mobile phone. “Oh no, not again,” sighed Max, “How many Christmases running can we keep up these recorded revelations from Lauren?” “But it wouldn’t be Christmas in Albert Square without them would it?” said Dot, who had seen a few Christmases in Albert Square, “It’s tradition.”

Come back for the second part of the Eastenders Christmas Special when we visit the Mitchells, the Butchers and the Moons Christmas Dinners….

alan45

23-12-2010, 11:51

Meanwhile on what was left of Coronation Street all was quiet all was calm as the battered residents of Britains most popular Street prepared for Christmas. For poor Tyrone Dobbs this would be a sad Christmas without his two timing slapper of a wife. Who would pull his cracker this year. As greasy lover Kev 'The Stud' Webster woke up cold and lonely underneath the arches dreaming his dreams away he pondered on the year he had just had. Sure the sex with young Molly was good but nowhere near as good as the experienced Natalie Barnes-Wallis. his thoughts drifted accross the road to where his innocent young wife Sally Sally pride of our Alley was preparing a huge Christmas lunch for her and her GURLS. The sweet little lesbian and the equally demure Rawsie. Who would fill the empty place at the dinner table this year. Would she have pity on philandering hubby Kev or would she really annoy him and invite Ty and Jack over for some stuffing and show him her Christmas Stockings.

............ To be continued

parkerman

24-12-2010, 10:10

Over at the Butchers, Bianca had just put the turkey nuggets under the grill. “Dinner’ll be ready soon, kids” she shouted. “Ricky, did you get those crisps I asked you to get? We’re ‘avin’ turkey nuggets and crisps for dinner.” “Oh, sorry, Bianca, I forgot,” replied Ricky. “Honestly Ricky, I ask you to do one thing. You are a pillock. Nah wot are we gonna do for Christmas dinner? I can’t just serve up turkey nuggets for Christmas dinner, that would be silly. We’ve gotta ‘ave some crisps.” “I’ll nip over the Rovers and get some,” Said Ricky, hurriedly making for the door.

Meanwhile, in the living room Connor was sitting on the sofa between Whitney and Carol. “Fanks for my present, Connor,” said Whitney taking out a large imitation gold necklace from its box. “’Ere, ‘old on a minute,” interjected Carol, “that’s exactly what Connor gave me.” But any further discussion on the subject was interrupted by Janine bursting into the room with a sub-machine gun. “Look what Pat’s given me for Christmas,” she trilled. “Yeh,” put in Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above, “I gave it to ‘er so’s she can go out and kill Ryan. In spite of what others fink, I’ve always loved Janine and always done right by ‘er…well, apart from the time I gave false evidence to the police to try and get her locked away for murder. But that was nothing serious really. She’s my little girl and I’ll always look after ‘er. I ‘ope you enjoy your present, Janine.” “Oh, I will, don’t worry about that, Pat. Now where will I find that scumbag, Ryan?”

The Moons were also settling down for their Christmas dinner. “Just sit down, Kat, I’ve got it all under control,” said Alfie, ushering his pregnant wife into the living room above the Queen Vic. A few moments later he was back. “Oh, Kat,” he gasped, “it’s all ruined. The turkey’s overcooked, the brussels are rock hard, I forgot to put the potatoes in and the stuffing’s stuffed.” “I hate you Alfie Moon. One simple thing and you can’t even get that right. I’m off to Belinda’s for Christmas and don’t try and follow me. We’re through. You got that, Alfie?” “If you say so,” said Alfie, “but before you go just come downstairs to the bar.” “What for?” said Kat. “Just do it,” replied Alfie.

As they entered the bar downstairs, a wondrous sight met Kat’s eyes. All in the space of one morning, Alfie had done the bar up like a Winter Wonderland. There was fake snow all over the floor and bar; there was a giant (fake) reindeer standing in the corner, an enormous Christmas tree decorated with golden (fake, of course) baubles and, best of all, there was a magnificent Christmas meal laid out on the table, fit for a queen – the queen of Alfie’s heart. “Oh, Alfie, I love you!”

At Phil’s new house, Shirley, Heather, Ben, Billy, Julie, Jay, Roxy, Glenda and Phil himself sat down to lunch. “Is it time to pull the crackers?” asked Ben. “Can I pull your cracker, Phil?” said Glenda. “What do you mean by that?” put in Shirley, with an evil stare. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time, would it, Phil?” “Get out, you evil old witch,” shouted Phil. “That’s not what you usually say.” “Mum,” said Roxy, hurriedly, “just forget it and eat your parsnips.” “No, I want ‘er out,” exclaimed Phil, looking threatening. “Phil, darling, shall I tell my daughter where you got the money from for this lovely Christmas dinner?” said Glenda, simperingly. “What do you mean, mum?” asked Roxy. “That’s enough!” shouted Phil.

Just at that moment the door burst open and in walked the Poison Dwarf. “You didn’t fink you could have a normal Christmas dinner with accusations, revelations of past misdeeds and fists flying without me, did you? Now then, eyes down for a full ‘ouse. All the twos….”

It was a quiet dinner over at Winston’s house. Just him and Tracey. They sat there and ate their nice dinner, neither of them saying a word until eventually Tracey said, “You know, Winston, this is why we never get much of a part. We don’t stab each other in the back or have affairs with married people or shout at each other or steal from each other or try and murder each other. I guess we’re just not normal Eastenders….”

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

parkerman

26-12-2010, 09:35

Oh well, more Mystic Meg predictions bite the dust!

alan45

26-12-2010, 21:11

Back on the cobbles it was just another Christmas Day. Dev Alahans 24hr Emporium had re-opened operating out of the back of a lorry. Norris Noseyperson and the voluptuous Mary were finishing off the conversion of Marys passionwagon into Coles travelling post office and mobile stationery supplies. This damned tram crash has cost me a pretty packet moaned Nozza. I blame that Owen Strongarm and his shoddy workmanship. Oh Norris I love it when you are masterful said Mary. Over at chez Bazrlow there was the usual merriment with Ken and Dreary. Christmas is an over commercialised greedfest perpetrated by big business to make money from the working classes. So thats why you didnt even by me a pressie moaned Dreary. Bet if you had been shacked up with your floosie on a barge down the Grand Union Canal you would have bought her a pressie. Kens mind drifted off to a summers day reading poetry to Martha Beacham. Now there was a real woman and so much more intelligent than Dreary. Ken was disturbed from his fantasy as Peter Ironside and his new wife Leeanne Plattersby-Barlow called in to brighten up proceedings with a bottle of Buckfast Non Alcoholic Cocktail Wine. Dreary nipped out to the Ginnel where she smoked a crafty fag. Her mind drifted off the a past Christmas dalliance she had. How did she ever end up with Ken. A swarthy skinned stranger approached. DEEEEDREEEE is that you. Surely it couldnt be Samir Rachid her ex husband. He was brutally murdered by a gang of thugs. DEEERDREEEE I am Samirs brother Srimas and Ive come for his kidney. He lent it to Traceyluv and now we need it back for our long lost cousins the Ferrerro Rochers. KEN!!!! screamed Dreary her eyes bulging from their sockets and the veins on her neck exploding.

Over at T'Rovers Steve Wee Mac was sitting staring into an empty pint glass contemplating the future. Where had it all gone wrong. He and Becky were a match made in heaven. Of course so were he and Tracyluv, Karen, and Vicky. He spoke to his Dad Big Mac Macdonald so he did and asked for his advice as he and Elizabeth were the happiest couple in Weatherfield so they were. You know Steve Im planning to remarry your mother so I am. Big Mac was unaware that his conversation with Our Steven was being overheard by Owen Strongarm and he was determined that no-one was going to replace him in Elizabeths boudoir. He picked up his mobile phone and dialled a Walford number............

Over in their temporary luxury flat Teenie Sparetyre and Graeme Proctologist were discussing Graemes latest venture, Manchesters first vegetarian butchers

parkerman

31-12-2010, 10:21

It was a new beginning for the Stranger family as they moved into their new house on Albert Square on January 1st. Phil and Jane and their two children, Peter (aged 9) and Lauren (aged 7) had moved from Romford, hoping to find some peace and quiet in the tranquil streets of Walford. Of course, there were all the rumours flying about the Square about the new family but as far as anyone could see they seemed perfectly normal…only there was something not quite right about them that no-one could exactly put their finger on.

After about six months, a number of the older residents met in the Queen Vic and decided to invite Phil and Jane to an evening in the pub so they could put their concerns to them. And so, a week later, Phil and Jane found themselves sitting at one of the tables in the bar surrounded by several inhabitants of the Square.

Phil broke the ice by saying, “It’s good of you to invite us to a drink.” “Yes,” put in Dot hurriedly, “that’s all very well, but we’d like to ask you a few questions.” “Ok,” said Phil with a pleasant smile, “fire away.”

“Now then,” continued Dot, “why don’t you ever come in to the Launderette?” “Because we’ve got a washing machine,” replied Jane. The regulars looked at each other with puzzled frowns. “A washing machine?” echoed Pat, “No-one has a washing machine in Albert Square.” “And why do you never come into the café?” put in Ian. “Well,” said Phil,” we don’t really see the point. We live on the Square, so we can always nip home for a cup of tea if we need to and we always make sure we make our own breakfast in the morning before we go to work.” Again there was a round of puzzled stares.

“Talking of work,” added Jack, “I take it you’re both out of work.” “Out of work?” cried Jane, “No, we’re not out of work, whatever made you think that?” “Well, you don’t seem to have a job on the Square.” “No, we don’t work on the Square,” said Jane, “Phil commutes up to his job in the West End and I’ve got a part time secretarial job in Ilford.” “Not work on the Square?” put in Heather “How can that be?”

“And another thing,” said Patrick, “I never see either of you in the Minute Mart. Why’s that?” “Oh we get our weekly shopping from the Supermarket, either Tesco’s or Sainsbury’s. We find it easier and cheaper to do our weekly shop there. Sorry Patrick.”

“This is all very curious,” said Max, “because also we never see you in here of an evening.” “No,” replied Phil, “we don’t drink very much. And besides we’ve got the two children to look after in the evening.” “Look after the children” exclaimed an astonished Shirley, “No-one looks after their children in Albert Square. They go missing for weeks, months, on end and no-one notices. Children have never stopped anyone here having a night out.”

“Yes, and we hardly ever see you around during the day, except at weekends,” said Bianca, “why’s that?” “Well, like I said,” replied Jane, “we have jobs to go to.” “But people round here are always taking sickies or taking the day off for no apparent reason when they feel like it,” put in Billy.

“And finally,” asked the other Phil in a threatening tone, “how come your names are Phil, Jane, Peter and Lauren, names already used by residents of the Square. You must know that’s just not allowed. We nearly had a problem with two Billies a little while ago but fortunately they spelt their names differently.” “I can’t answer that,” said the other Phil.

The older inhabitants of Albert Square couldn’t believe what they had just heard. They had seemed such a nice quiet and pleasant family when they moved in, but now no-one was very sure. They did seem very strange.

alan45

08-01-2011, 20:55

I cant take the credit for this but it just goes to show that Parkerman and I are not the only fantasists out there,

Downloaded from Wikileaks allegedly

January:
A van pulls up at the factory as Carla is closing up for the day. Her five long-lost Connor brothers climb out and take over the business. They set about building another extension to the factory and in doing so discover just what that smell is in the ladies loo. It’s Colin Fishwick. Fiz identifies the rug he’s wrapped in as hers and she is arrested for Colin’s murder and crimes against interior design. John conveniently heads off on a teacher’s training course in Benidorm. Sian and Sophie decide to adopt a child and book a trip to Tibet to find one.
February:
Gail enjoys a weekend away from it all at a retreat. Whilst there she meets handsome monk, Daniel, who asks to keep in touch. After exchanging a few postcards Daniel turns up on Gail’s doorstep having turned his back on celibacy and he moves in with her. Fiz is given a life sentence at her trial and uses her time in prison well – she makes another rug. Sian and Sophie jet off to Tibet.
March:
Gail and Daniel announce their engagement, much to Audrey’s discomfort. She knows there’s something not right about him and is determined to discover his dark secret. Ken decides to commission a portrait of Deidre but when he goes to see the painter (Trixie) he falls into her arms and decides he would have preferred to have lived her bohemian life. They embark on a steamy affair. Sian and Sophie return with a little Tibetan baby they call Baby GaGa.
April:
The Connors decide to make the factory smaller again and they remove the new extension over the course of a weekend. Two of the brothers die in the process, another goes back to Ireland and two more vanish. Carla is on her own again. Tracy Barlow offers to spring Fiz from prison if she’ll give her baby Hope. Fiz agrees. Tracy then offers the child to Becky and Steve for a couple of hundred in notes. A deal is struck. Baby GaGa isn’t settling in to Weatherfield life so Sian and Sophie post him back and agree to adopt Chesney instead.
May:
Tracy visits Fiz in prison carrying a very large bag and smuggles Fiz out in it. Fiz gives her baby Hope, which Tracy accidentally leaves on a bus and Becky is furious that she’s lost the chance for another child. Ken presents Deirdre with the portrait but she isn’t struck with it and throws it back at him. Trixie arrives in her old VW Beetle and begs him to leave with her. Emily reminds Ken that Uncle Albert would be turning in his grave if he thought Ken would get into a German car. He is brought back to earth by this reminder of his past. Trixie leaves without him and Deirdre burns the painting on the Red Rec. She is arrested because Weatherfield is now a smokeless zone.
June:
Deirdre is released from prison following the intervention of the Prime Minister. There’s a flood in the Rovers cellar and during the building works an old beehive wig of Bet’s is discovered with rats nesting in it. Norris gets very excited and Rita notices he changes just a little. His secret is out – he’s been Alec Gilroy in disguise all these years. Rita curses herself for not noticing the haircut and tank-tops were the same. He just wanted to be near Rita – he proposes to her, and she now finds herself owner of the Kabin once more .. and landlady of the Rovers, which Alec buys from Steve.
July:
Gail and Daniel marry on the banks of Weatherfield Canal. While they are away on honeymoon in Blackpool Audrey rifles through Gail’s private papers and discovers a newspaper cutting from the trial of Brian’s murderer. It is Daniel. Audrey decides to keep quite until the Rovers has a big do. Peter Barlow is back on the bottle and he joins Eileen for a night on the town. They end up in bed together and when Eileen discovers she’s pregnant Ken forces Peter to propose to her. Eileen says yes. Baby Jack is taken ill and desperately needs a kidney transplant. Tyrone’s offer of a kidney is rejected but he pleads with Kevin to give the child one of his. He agrees.
August:
There’s a big do at the Rovers and Audrey produces the press cutting – Daniel is exposed as Brian’s murderer. Gail is having none of it and she forgives her new husband. However, later that night Daniel suggests a drive to their wedding location by the canal. As Gail gets into the car she questions his need to tie her up and Daniel admits he also set fire to the convent killing Ivy. He has a pathological desire to wipe out the Tilsleys. They set off towards the canal.
September:
Daniel is about to drive his car into the canal when he spots a figure climbing from the water. It is Joe, who faked his death a little too well. He has returned and shoots Daniel and snogs Gail. She berates him for all the money she wasted on the funeral but they are reunited. Steve wins a fortune in a Cumbrian gurning competition and he gets offered a modelling job in Hollywood. He and Becky decide to go and chase their dreams. Becky, on a hunch, visits the lost property office at the bus depot and finds baby Hope, whom she renames Rover. Steve, Becky, Amy, Max, Rover and all the other kids they’ve bought along the way head off to Hollywood. At the airport they realise the tickets say Hollinwood, a suburb of Manchester.
October:
Fiz notices that she hasn’t seen much of John since Colin Fishwick’s body turned up at the factory but then Sean spots a picture of him in the Weatherfield Gazette. It turns out he’s been leading a double life as the headmaster of Weatherfield County Academy so he’s not been able to see much of her. She confronts him at a parent’s evening and they fall into each others arms. He agrees to come home but only if Fiz will let him run a correspondence college from home. A bolt of lightening strikes the Websters causing Jason and Rosie to merge into one but Sally insists ‘Josie’ lives with her. Sally and Eileen have a fight in a vat of mud just for the sake of it – and the ratings. Eileen goes into labour and Sally helps deliver baby Blanche Barlow.
November:
Sophie and Sian split up when Sophie announces she was just going through a phase. Sian agrees that she was too and she proposes to adopted son Chesney. Peter and Eileen marry with Leanne and Nick as their witnesses (they discovered their first marriage was still legal due to a technicality). Baby Jack comes home from hospital – he is now 18 and Kevin gives him a job at the garage having sacked Tyrone. Baby Jack rejects Tyrone. He is later diagnosed with a cotton allergy meaning he has to work in the garage shirtless.
December:
Newton and Ridley announce that the Rovers is to get a new name and there’s a campaign to stop them involving Rita sitting atop the pub. It snows heavily and she’s stuck there for a fortnight with Alec too tight to pay the fire brigade to bring her down. Little does she know that while she’s up there he goes on a cruise with an exotic snake act from Crewe. As the Platt/McIntryre family sit down for Christmas lunch Tina begins to doubt that Joe is who he says he is. He is later seen sitting on Maxine’s bench caressing an crowbar. 2012 might not be Gail’s year. Again.

Chloe O'brien

09-01-2011, 00:56

And they say I'm the maddest member on here?

parkerman

09-01-2011, 13:34

How can we follow that?

Abigail

09-01-2011, 13:54

I've missed a fair bit of the instalments out so I'm going to treat myself later when I've finished my essay and start from the beginning of this tall story.

Chloe O'brien

10-01-2011, 22:38

And they say I'm the maddest member on here?

How about that Tyrone could win the lottery, but the bit of land were the joinery was, open up a garage in competition with Kevin and get's a contract to fix F1 cars then we could have F1 drivers in the street. :lol:

parkerman

11-01-2011, 15:26

It is the day of Joy Fishwick’s funeral. After a typically thorough investigation by the Weatherfield police nothing untoward was found and the body was released for burial. As the body was brought into the chapel only John and Fiz were present. “It’s very sad, isn’t it, John?” said Fiz. “I mean we’re the only two here. I wonder if Colin ever found out.” “No, I shouldn’t think so,” put in John hurriedly, “otherwise he would have been here.” Suddenly the door opened and another man walked in. “Who’s that,” asked Fiz. “No idea,” replied John.

After the service was over and Joy Fishwick was laid to rest, the man came over to John and said, “You must be John Stape.” “Yes, yes, I am,” said John. “I thought you must be,” replied the man. “My mother told me all you’d done for her in her last few days.” “Your mother?” stammered John. “Yes I’m her son.” “You must be Colin’s brother then,” put in Fiz. “Yes I am,” answered the man, “my name’s Robert”. “Pleased to meet you,” said Fiz.

“Yes, I’m really pleased to have met you, John, and grateful for all you did for my mother in her last few days. I live in the Shetlands and I was unable to get down to see her, but she told me all about you,” said Robert. “Do you know if she was peaceful at the end?” “I’m sure she was,” said John, “but I don’t really know as I wasn’t there. But I’m sure she was.” “Not there?” enquired Robert with a puzzled tone in his voice, “but my mum texted me only minutes before she died to tell me you were there making her a cup of tea. She kept in constant touch with me.” Fiz looked at John suspiciously, “John,” she said, “you told me the last time you saw her was a few hours before her death.” “Yes, it was. I think you must have it wrong, Robert.” “No, I’m certain,” said Robert, “Mum texted me to say that you were just about to explain to her why you had Colin’s phone.” “Colin’s phone?” repeated an astonished Fiz.

“Er, yes, “said John, “come round here behind the church and I’ll explain it all to you.” As they went behind the church where nobody could see them, John picked up a huge stone from the ground and battered Robert over the head. He then did the same to Fiz before running off.

On arriving home, Chesney asked him where Fiz was. John immediately threw Chesney against the wall and picked up a hammer that was handily placed on the floor and beat Chesney over the head with it. Just at that moment, Kirk walked in through the front door. John flew at him with the hammer. He then opened the front door to find Maria on the doorstep. “What’s up John?” she asked as she walked into the room to see Chesney and Kirk lying on the floor. Silently from behind, John clocked her over the head too.

Later in the police station, John told the police that he was not a bad man and that things had just got out of hand. “All I want to do is be a teacher. Is that so bad? Can I go now?”

alan45

11-01-2011, 19:00

Meanwhile back over at Weatherfield General Tracyluv was starting to come out of her coma. ''Wheres my husband and my lovely daughter? ''she yelled. ''Oh Traceyluv you are awake'' said doting mum Dreary. ''We were so worried about you werent we Ken?''. Ken lifted his head from his book, a rather interesting volume all about the British Museum called Behind the Collonades, ''Sorry, what was that?''.

''I was just telling Traceyluv how worried we were about her'' said Dreary with a sigh, the muscles on her neck bulging to bursting point. ''Its a miracle'' said Dreary and immediatly went to the hospital chapel to speak to Revd. Sophie Webster and her curate and lover Sian Girlpowers.

''Tracey do you know who attacked you?'' asked Ken. ''Er yes of course I do it was that Galeforce Tilsley-Platt-Hillman Minx'' sneered Traceyluv. ''You must tell DS Useless and DC Stupid because they have arrested the whole of T'Rovers and are holding them under atrocious conditions at Morecombe Bay.'' pleaded Ken and ''besides which Gale has a cast iron alibi she was with her new husband Dick Vauxhall on honeymoon at the Red Rec''

''Maybe I was mistaken then'' said Traceyluv ''Wheres my husband and daughter why arent they here for me''

''You arent married Tracey'' said Ken '' but you do have a daughter Samey with an interchangeable head''

''Dont be daft Ken, how can I have a daughter if I'm not married, everyone knows you have to be married to have babies''

''And just who do you think is you husband then?'' said an exasperated Ken

''Oh Ken, Blanche was right you ARE stupid, even with all your fancy education and those degrees you still have no common sense'' laughed Traceyluv. ''I married Dev Alacarte in a Hindu ceremony on the beach at Blackpool'' It was after he shagged my trollope of a mother that Christmastime while you and Blanche were at home dozing off in front of the Queens speech''

Kens mind drifted to all the affairs that his slapper of a wife had had over the years. Almost as many as he had had but of course in his case it wasnt a sexual thing. He loved them because they were his intellectual equal, except Janice Battererbyles of course and Vera Duckegg. Oh yes and there was that brief fling with a pre-op Hayley Cropper but the less said about that the better.

Outside in the darkened corridor a mysterious figure stood in the shadows, whilst outside in the carpark another mystery figure stood hiding in a darkened corner.

There would be at least another death before the dawn broke

parkerman

12-01-2011, 09:44

Whatever else you might say about him, you just can't fault Ken's choice in books...:D

alan45

12-01-2011, 10:34

Whatever else you might say about him, you just can't fault Ken's choice in books...:D

Thought you would appreciate a bit of free publicity. God knows what will happen when he goes off to meet the author :D

parkerman

12-01-2011, 10:46

You wouldn't like to be my agent would you, alan? A bit of product placement in Coronation Street would be just what the doctor - or, in this case, the author - ordered.:)

parkerman

12-01-2011, 11:03

Over in the police station, the Weatherfield police, after their normal exhaustive investigation, found they had nothing to hold John Stape on so they let him go.

Back home, John considered his next move. Was there anyone else who knew his dark secret who had to be eliminated? Could he take a chance that Carla would not find Colin’s body or that Owen hadn’t noticed something fishy when he filled in the cellar? No, he would have to deal with them as well.

That night John went to the pub to see Owen, who he knew would be in there. And sure enough there he was having an argument with both his daughters, while at the same time holding Gary up against the wall by his throat and ogling Liz’s cleavage. The thought occurred to John that he might have let something slip to all these people as well, so that was four more he would need to get rid of.

Just then Carla came in for a drink with Peter Barlow (orange squash of course). “Hmmm,” thought John, “Peter Barlow, maybe Carla’s said something to him and if he knows, there’s Leanne, Simon, Nick, Ken and Deidre to consider. And if Nick’s in on it, what about Gail, David and Audrey? Seems like I’m going to have my work cut out. Of course, there’s also Michelle, who’s friendly with both Carla and Leanne and then there’s..." there were dozens of them he had to eliminate to make sure his secret was safe.

The following night, John went on a rampage, brutally killing everyone who stood in his way. Practically the whole cast of Coronation Street was decimated and there was blood and gore everywhere with bodies piling up in the street.

Just when he thought he’d got rid of everyone, Schmeichel came up to him and sniffed around the bodies. “Get out of here,” shouted John, taking a swipe at the dog with his boot. Fortunately he missed, but Schmeichel ran off yelping.

The following day, the newspapers reported that over 10,000 people had rung up ITV to complain about last night’s episode of Coronation Street. As one complainant put it, “How could the producers show John Stape aiming a kick at a dog? It’s beyond belief that this act of cruelty should be shown on our screens before the watershed.”

alan45

12-01-2011, 11:35

You wouldn't like to be my agent would you, alan? A bit of product placement in Coronation Street would be just what the doctor - or, in this case, the author - ordered.:)
Funny you should mention that http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm75/alan12296/kenb.jpg

parkerman

12-01-2011, 11:37

Brilliant. Thanks, Alan. 10% do you?

Chloe O'brien

12-01-2011, 11:40

God I'm so engroused. How will they top this.

alan45

23-02-2011, 10:34

There's been a bit of controversy over recent spoilers for Corrie. The news of Marcus' return, plus the ongoing Sophie/Sian drama, and gossip about Claudia's new boyfriend, have lead to some people criticising producer Phil Collinson. There have been suggestions that he is perhaps peddling a "gay agenda". A similar charge was levied at him during his time at Doctor Who, because of that episode where two incidental characters were revealed to be lesbians, not sisters. In a bid to clarify what exactly is going to happen, we've spoken to Phil, and gained this EXCLUSIVE(*) interview(**) on the upcoming storylines.

"First of all," Phil told me, reclining in a leather chair in his hollowed out volcano hideaway, "There's been a lot of fuss about Andrew Hall's character, Marc. There have been rumours that he is a secret transvestite. Actually, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The truth is that Marc has an identical twin sister, and the press have been confused by shots of Andrew Hall dressed as Moira. It turns out that Marc and Moira are caring for their elderly mother - hilariously played by Wendy Craig. We've got The Mill back in to handle the split screen special effects, and I'm sure you'll agree it will be worth the wait. Especially when Nick Tilsley claps his eyes on the gorgeous Moira, and complications ensue!

"Marcus, meanwhile, is returning to the Street to ask Sean a big favour - to be his best man! Yes, Marcus is getting married, and his lovely fiance will be played by supermodel Sophie Dahl. Sean of course is happy to help, but tensions arise when he meets Ms Dahl for the first time. Having already made Marcus renounce his former tendencies, could her red hot heterosexual sex appeal also convert Sean? Things will come to a head when Sean finally gives in to his secret urges and sleeps with the bride-to-be the night before the wedding. Will he still be able to be best man, or will he fight for the woman he loves?"

Phil lights up a cigar, blowing the smoke into a passing kitten's face, and says, "Finally, Sophie and Sian's relationship will reach a climax when Sophie falls from the church roof. In the process she'll bang her head, which, of course, makes her normal again. She realises that the whole lesbian thing was just down to a silly misunderstanding, and immediately sleeps with the entire Weatherfield Rugby Team because she loves being heterosexual so much. Sian is relieved, as she actually met a wonderful man while on holiday with her mum, and immediately flies out to join him. This will lead to hilarious rivalries between Rosie and Sophie, as they battle to be the biggest trollop on the Street!"

"As you can see, all these storylines are highly realistic and will reflect every facet of 21st century Britain. I hate it when people get a hint of a spoiler and misinterpret what's going on. Now if you'll excuse me - I have to go home and sleep with my wife."

I cannot claim credit for this but I thought it would amuse you

parkerman

24-02-2011, 15:16

The day of the big wedding has dawned, April 29th. The church is packed to capacity. In the background the organ is playing a tasteful medley of hymns and Frank Sinatra songs while the vicar (who used to be a central figure around Walford but is now reduced to a bit part) is greeting his parishioners at the door as they go in to share the couple’s happy day.

Jack, Ronnie and James/Tommy are first to arrive. As the vicar greets them with a friendly “Welcome”, Ronnie starts screaming and hurling abuse at him. “What do you mean, ‘welcome’? You know something don’t you?” Jack takes her hand, “Ron! Ron! What’s got inta ya?” “I’m sorry, Jack,” replies Ronnie, “but why is the vicar having a go?” Jack leads her into the church.

The next to arrive are Janine and Whitney followed closely by Ricky and his family. “Let’s all sit togevver,” says Ricky. “I don’t think so,” puts in Janine quickly, “Whitney’s not ready to sit near you yet, Ricky, after all you’ve done to her.” Ricky opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish (or pilchard) but can’t think of a suitable reply, so they go to different parts of the church.

Masood, Zainab and Tamwar follow, taking their places at the rear of the church. Then comes Yusef and Afia who sit next to the Masoods. Everyone smiles at each other while Mas mutters to Tamwar under his breath, “Get them out of here or else!” “Or else what, dad?” asks Tamwar. “Or else I won’t be responsible for my actions,” replies Mas. “It seems to me you’re never responsible for your actions,” says Tamwar. With that he takes Afia’s hand and they move to another pew while Yusef snuggles nearer to Zainab.

Denise and Kim rush into the church elbowing each other out of the way in an effort to get seated next to Yusef. Kim wins as Denise tosses her hair back, shrugs her shoulders and goes off to sit with Patrick.

Next in are Roy and Hayley. Everyone stares at them in amazement. “’Ere,” says Kat who has entered quietly (as if!) , who are you two?” Dot looks at them and says, “I know who you two are, you’re Roy and Hayley from that Corporation Street show on the tele. I saw you in your 50th anniversary programme. What are you doing here?” Roy looks a little bemused. “This is Sean and Marcus’s civil partnership ceremony, isn’t it?” “’Fraid not squire,” says Kat, “you’re not only in the wrong church, you’re in the wrong soap. Oh, Alfie, where’s my Alfie?” Roy and Hayley mutter their apologies and leave bumping into Winston as they go.

At last the groom comes in. It’s Phil Mitchell with Ian Beale beside him as his best man (don’t ask!). They take up their position at the front of the church, waiting for Phil’s lovely blushing bride to enter. Suddenly the music strikes up, “Here comes the Bride, da da de da….” She walks slowly and regally down the aisle and takes up her place next to the groom. She has on a long white dress and a veil covering her face. As the vicar comes forward, she throws off her veil….

“Wtf!” exclaims Phil, “You’re bloody Kate Middleton.” “Oh, terribly sorry,” she says, “I must have got the wrong church.”

Meanwhile over at Westminster Abbey, the Queen suddenly realises there’s been a terrible mix up as Shirley Carter is revealed as the new wife of the second in line to the throne of England. “Wtf!” exclaims the other Phil.

However, it is very soon realised that no real harm has been done as no-one saw either ceremony as they were all at a big street party in Ireland, hosted by Alan and Siobhan, with tables stretching all the way from Belfast to Dublin just to cope with the number of people who had escaped from Britain for the day…..

alan45

12-07-2011, 01:38

More Crossovers for Corrie and Deadenders

Coronation Street Blog can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the details.

- It's a widely known fact that no British soap opera is allowed to have more than one Asian family at a time. Therefore, what could be more natural than to find out Walford's Masood family are in fact related to Weatherfield's Alahans? There will be a tender reunion later this summer. The detail that the Masoods are Muslim while the Alahans are Hindu will be explained through a heartrending plotline involving the partition of India in 1947 - a family literally torn apart across borders. Zainab and Sunita will bond over the general uselessness of their husbands, while sarcastic, super-intelligent Tamwar will realise just how much he has in common with sarcastic, super-intelligent Amber.

- Ken Barlow has already scattered illegitimate progeny across the North West; it's logical that he may have spread his seed elsewhere. August will bring the revelation that his fling with a young Kathy Hills while at an NUT conference in Bexleyheath resulted in the birth of Ian "Squeal" Beale, chip shop king of Albert Square. The two men spot their genetic bond: they are both pale, tedious men who possess no charm whatsoever, and yet have no problem attracting gorgeous women to be their wives. Ken will suck the end of his glasses and look harried while Ian will try not to get his head pushed down the toilet by Kevin Webster. (Offscreen, Bill Roache has already given Adam Woodyatt advice on how to make one six week job last fifty years).

- All these revelations will need something resembling a Greek chorus, and who better to lead the tutting and disapproval than Dot Cotton/Branning and Norris Cole? They set up a stall in the gardens of Albert Square from where they can pass sanctimonious judgement on all and sundry. Norris, in particular, while take delight in the sexual misadventures of Kat Slater-Moon, a woman who makes Becky look like an emotionally repressed missionary, while Dot will be thoroughly shocked by the length of Kylie Platt's skirts. They will end up falling out in a debate about whether Rita or Pat is the merriest widow.

- Speaking of Pat, she'll fall on hard times due to her house being filled with 3000 relatives, none of whom seem to have jobs, and so she'll have to go back on the game to earn the rent. She finds it difficult attracting punters when only her, ahem, ample charms are on offer, and so she turns to an old hand, Leanne Battersby-Barlow, for assistance. Soon Leanne is flat on her back, earning enough money to keep Peter in rehab sessions. But what will be Tracey's reaction when she finds out her sister in law is a member of the oldest profession? Again?

- Finally, Phil Mitchell realises that the garage on Coronation Street will give him the perfect opportunity to expand his business empire/crime syndicate. He makes Kevin Webster a takeover offer, but he rejects it on a whim just to annoy Tyrone. Phil's response is calm and measured; he clubs Kevin to death with an adjustable spanner and buries him under the cobbles. His plan would be perfect, except he failed to reckon with Sally. She flies into a rage at the death of her maintenance cheques and unleashes her killer tongue on the Cockney mummy's boy, sending him running back down the M1 with his tail between his legs.

parkerman

12-07-2011, 15:44

With talk of crossovers in the air, I think it's time for a comeback myself....

"“This way, Prisoner Branning,” said the prison guard, “your cell is down the corridor here.”

“Good,” said Ronnie Branning (for, of course, it was she), “I deserve this. I hope you lock the door and throw away the key. I should be punished for ever for what I did. I don’t want you to let me out, even when my sentence comes to an end. I don’t deserve to be let out. Ever. Have you got that? Do you understand me?”

“Yes, yes, Prisoner Branning, whatever you say.”

“No I mean it. I did a terrible thing and I deserve to be punished. Just don’t let me out. OK?”

“Just a little further, Prisoner Branning. Your cell is at the end. You will be sharing it with a woman brought in for murder.”

“Good. I want to be in with a murderer. Perhaps she’ll murder me. I deserve it. I never want to leave here. I am really evil. I deserve to be locked up for ever. Do you hear me?”

They finally reach the cell and the prison guard opens the door. Inside is a red haired woman staring wildly into space. The guard shoves Ronnie in and shuts the door behind her.

“Hello, I’m Ronnie. I deserve to be here. I’m a terrible woman. They should never let me out.”

The red haired woman stared at her for a while and finally said, “My name is Fiz. I didn’t do it. My baby. John. It’s all wrong. Hope. Chesney. I can’t face it. I loved him. My daughter. I need her. I’ll never see her again. John. Hope. My baby. I can’t do it. In care. Adopted. John. Hope. I shouldn’t be here. She needs me. I’m innocent. Hope….” And so on for the next four or five hours.

Ronnie started banging on the door, “Let me out,” she yelled, “I’ve been punished enough. Please let me go home.”

parkerman

30-09-2011, 20:15

BBC's Christmas Eastenders Special.

Christmas morning dawned deep and crisp and even for the denizens of Albert Square. “Oh no,” sighed Ian, “it’s Christmas and we all know what Christmases are like round here. I’ve seen enough of them to know that today is not going to end well. 27 to be precise and not one of them has brought good cheer. Mostly they’ve been explosive and rocked the Square. I think I’ll stay in bed all day today.” “Good idea,” put in Mandy quickly.

Meanwhile over at the Tardis – sorry, I mean Pat’s house – all the children were excitedly getting ready for the big day. Tiff was up early sorting through the presents under the tree, while Liam was pretending to be grown up and not caring, but every now and then surreptitiously opening a present as well.

Pat herself was very excited because her two boys were coming back home for Christmas dinner and to stay the night in two more rooms that had appeared overnight. Simon was flying in from the other side of the world, while David had managed to get leave of absence from his very important job as head of A&E at Holby General. “He’s done so well for himself,” thought Pat proudly, “but I wonder how he’ll get on with his daughter, knowing she’s just come out of prison.”

Pat snapped out of her daydreaming as Carol came down the stairs. “Let’s get this dinner on then,” she said. “All right! All right!” exclaimed Pat, “We’ve got plenty of time. I haven’t decided which earrings to wear yet. The big dangly gold ones or the even bigger big dangly silver ones.”

Over at Phil’s, everyone was awake. “Christmas, humbug,” said Phil. “Oh, Mr Mitchell, don’t be like that, it’s a lovely time of year,” said Heather. “You dozy mare,” yelled her best friend Shirley from upstairs. “Yes, but think of George. It’s magic for children,” replied Heather. “I’m sorry you ever came back from the B&B,” added Phil. “Well, if that’s how you feel, Mr Mitchell, I’m leaving again.” “Shut the door behind you,” said Phil reaching for his can of coke (spelt with a small ‘c’ if you know what I mean).

Later in the day, Pat heard a knock at her door. “That could be Simon or David,” she said excitedly. But her disappointment was obvious as she opened the door and saw Heather standing there. “What do you want?” asked Pat. “Can I come in?” replied Heather, “I’ve left Phil’s and I’ve got nowhere to stay and I know your house is big enough to take me and George in.”

After dinner, Pat, her family and about ten or eleven lodgers sat round the television to watch the special edition of Downton Abbey. “Do you remember that time we all sat round to watch that soap episode when Den handed Angie her divorce papers?” said Carol. “What are you talking about?” asked Pat, looking at Carol as though she’d taken leave of her senses, “that wasn’t a soap episode, that was real. I was there.” “Oh, yes, I forgot,” put in Carol, “it was before my time but you’ve been in Albert Square a long time haven’t you? Second only to Ian Beale.” “Yes, that’s right,” confirmed Pat.

Outside in the street there was a strangulated cry, “aaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!!” and suddenly a bomb came sailing through the window which exploded in Pat’s living room, blowing up everyone and everything around it. When the dust settled it was found that poor Pat and Heather hadn't made it.

Later at the trial, the judge asked the guilty defendant if he had anything further to say before he passed sentence. “This,” he said, “was a particularly heinous crime. Throwing a bomb through the deceased’s window was an explosive act that rocked the whole Square, but it is only fair I give you one last chance to explain yourself as you have remained silent throughout the trial. In fact I have been wondering if you can talk at all.”

“Oh, yes, I can talk when I want to,” said the defendant bitterly, “but no-one lets me. I don’t mind too much but it was the final straw when I overheard Pat Evans saying she was second only to Ian Beale in time spent on the Square when I have that honour. No-one gives me credit for anything. You have no idea how frustrating it can get. I just want people to recognise me.”

“Winston,” intoned the judge gravely, “I can understand how you feel, but blowing people up is not the answer. I therefore sentence you to a further 30 years in Eastenders without speaking. Take him away.”

alan45

01-02-2012, 00:53

Stella as seen by Fat Brenda over on Corrieblog

“If you’ve got a problem with a lass or fella,

Pop in’t back and talk to Stella”

And so say all of us! Stella's helped everyone round these parts. She’s been raising money for them starving kiddies in hot countries an’ that by embarking on a ‘Therapathon’ - where folk sponsor her for therapeutic sessions in the back room of the Rovers - or "Stella's Surgery" as she calls it - so she can give ‘em advice on a number of issues ranging from problems with their marriage to the best way to boil an egg using nowt but a flask of tepid water and a lace hankie. I've even heard rumour she’s going to singlehandedly look for Gail McIntyre’s dad who’s been missing presumed Ted!

The only folk round here who don’t seem to be impressed with Stella’s superhuman ability to understand the inner thoughts and insecurities of us lesser mortals are Peter and Carla! She's onto 'em! I’m not flamin’ surprised though, it’s only a matter of time before their secret is out. I’ve been getting taxis for the pair of ‘em to fandangle with one another for weeks now and I reckon it’s gonna end in tears – Simon’s probably, poor lad. Still, at least if it's all out in't open they won't have to meet in a back passage.

After finding a cancer cure and developing a non-genetically modified way of growing hairy vegetables that will feed the world’s hungry while providing them with warm clothes, Stella is probably gonna buy the Rovers if she can find the money… after she’s run a marathon in aid of blind hamsters and troubled stoats… AND after she’s raised awareness for men’s baldness by shaving her own hair off and re-growing it using the patent hair follicle repairing lotion she created using the distilled tears of joy from orphans she has helped to find homes…

Actually, now I come to think about it, Dev in’t too happy with Stella either. It’s not been going well for the Alahans of late . Sunita has been very down and confided in Stella (well why not? It’s not like she’s a virtual stranger) about her worries. Stella isn’t the only casual acquaintance Sunita has been papping on to about her problems, she’s been telling me about Dev’s inability to satisfy her appetite! Apparently he never cooks enough food to go round and prioritises Aadi and himself over the two lasses (or three when Amber’s round their house for a meal) - sexist!

Katy

01-02-2012, 06:37

Hahaha brilliant!! Love fat brenda!!

alan45

01-02-2012, 08:33

Hahaha brilliant!! Love fat brenda!!

Yes she has STELLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH summed up really well

parkerman

06-06-2012, 09:14

A cool grey dawn broke over the streets of Weatherfield. In the dairy, there was something of a crisis as the milkman for Coronation Street and surrounding areas had just phoned in sick. “What can we do?” asked the manager. “It’s obvious, isn’t it” replied his secretary, “We’ll have to call in St Ella to deliver the milk this morning.” “Of course,” said the manager, “I’ll phone her now.”

Later that morning as St Ella was on her milk round, she received a phone call on her mobile from the sorting office, “One of our postmen hasn’t turned up for work, is there any chance you can deliver the mail in Coronation Street this morning?” “St Ella though for a second and then said, “Of course, but first I have to help Norris deliver the newspapers as one of the delivery boys hasn’t turned up for work.”

While St Ella was out of the house, Karl gave Sunita a quick ring to tell her that St Ella would be out most of the morning if she fancied having her bum groped yet again. Getting out of bed, Sunita said to Dev, “I’ve just remembered, I’ve arranged to have breakfast with an old friend over in Chorlton-Cum-Hardy this morning.” “So why didn’t you tell me this before, Babe?” asked Dev….

Back out on her post round, St Ella came across Simon sitting out on the doorstep of Ken and Deirdre’s house. “What’s the matter?” she asked. Simon explained that he didn’t want to go home to Carla and that he wanted to stay at his grandad’s house. St Ella knocked on the door and took Simon inside. “Wait there,” she said, “I have an idea. She then went and got Peter and Carla and Leanne round and sat them all down and addressed them all for a few minutes. At the end of her wise counselling, all of them agreed to be the best of friends and the situation was completely resolved.

Going back to the Rover’s Return she spotted Tina and Tommy having a row in the street, so she again took it upon herself to counsel them and within minutes they were back together again and agreeing to get married as soon as possible.

She then saw Tyrone being physically thrown out of his house by Kirsty. “Time for a word,” she thought. So going over to Tyrone and Kirsty she ushered them inside. By the time she came out, Kirsty had agreed to seek help and go on an anger management course. Which St Ella was running at the Community Centre every Thursday afternoon.

She then went back to the pub to clear up from last night, clean up, get all the stock out ready for the day, polish the bar, make breakfast, fix the broken juke box, get the accounts ready for the visit that day of the Tax Man and nip off to the bank to bank the previous day’s takings.

On her way to the bank, she saw Kevin and Sally, so she went and had a word with them and they saw at once how silly they were being. St Ella then went off to organise the church for their wedding, phoned the caterers and made a couple of bridesmaids dresses.

It was still only 11:00 in the morning….

alan45

06-06-2012, 10:43

Following her Gourmet 14 course Luncheon in the Rovers which featured some locally sourced ingredients such as Weatherfield free range venison and red snapper fresh from the Canal the Blessed St.Ella sat down to await her daily conference call with Barack Obama. She was advising him on his current fiscal policy and his decision to move the US Pacific fleet. "Many congratulations on your Jubilee St. Ella it was wonderful!" " Thank you Barry" said her holiness " It was not special guv, the old Baked Bean was as appy as a pig in **** wiv ow it went an so was the bubble and squeak before e went into The orspital. Anyways ducks I've gotta speak wiv the Kofi Annan guy to see wot we are gonna do bout situation in Syria."

Down in t'cellar Sunita was practising her horizontal jogging for the Olympics. Karl was practising for the Breast stroke as well as the pole vault.

Later that afternoon in a scene reminiscent of one of the Rev Syung Moon's weddings Archbishop St.Ella performed the marriage ceremony for Kevin and Sally , Maria and a random man, Steve and Eileen, Michelle and her ego, tommy and Tina as well as Kirsty and Tie Moan. The back room of the Rovers was almost full. Following her papal blessing everyone returned to the Rovers where a fatted calf was butchered and served along with five fishes and 3 loaves. What a busy hours work she had done and it was just turned four o'clock. Time for Deal or No Deal

parkerman

06-06-2012, 14:44

But first she had to catch the plane to Kabul where a meeting had been arranged between President Karzai and the Taliban. After brokering a lasting peace it was back to the United Nations Security Council where she solved the Middle East crisis, the Palestinian question, Greek debt, saved the Euro, had a quick word with Robert Mugabe and brought peace to the warring factions in Syria.

Back home in time for supper at the Rover's she noticed that Karl was nowhere to be seen. "Has anyone seen Karl?" she asked the crowded pub.

Dev was the first to reply. "You might be able to solve all the world's crises, St Ella," he said, "but your bum isn't as nice as my Sunita's. Your precious Karl has stolen my wife." "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that, Dev, I'll have a word with him and put him right, then we can all live happily ever after..."

Suddenly the door was thrown open and a stranger walked in. "Live happily ever after," the stranger mocked, "live happily ever after? You just wait till I tell them your secret, Cindy Beale! They think I've had a nervous breakdown in Albert Square, but when I saw you on tele with that fake accent, I knew who you were right away and decided to come up her to confront you. Did you think you could fool your former husband? I wasn't taken in by your Lancashire chatter." "Nor were we," muttered everybody else.

Leaping over the bar, St Ella (or Cindy) made straight for the arms of Phil Collinson, who soothed her fevered brow and said, "There there, Michelle, let's go on a shopping trip to New York...By the way, how's your West Country accent? I'm hoping to land the job as producer of Casualty...?"

alan45

07-06-2012, 16:16

On arrival at JFK St. Ella or plain Michelle Colins as she now was was wisked off by Helicopter to the UN where she was announced as the new Secretary general. She anounced that she had secured peace in the middle east and was looking forward to visiting the Camp David for tea. A spokesman for Mr Walliams said ''The computer says no!!!' Undeterred Ms Collins flew down to Cape Canaveral where she was due to pilot the supply ship to the International Space Station. Unbeknowns to her a group of diehard Corrie fans had sabotaged the supply ship and reprgrammed its inertial flight system. She would be going on a one way trip to the distant galaxy that was El Dorado.

Meanwhile back on T'Cobbles normality had returned. Fool Collinson was away ruining Holby Casualty. As the new glamourous consultant he had taken Kate Ford and as the Psycho nurse he had taken mad Mary.

This left a vacancy for a new owner for the Rovers or would an old face return. You Decide!!!!

Glen1

07-06-2012, 18:50

Congrats Guys, well written. very witty and very funny. Good laugh, just what the doctor ordered.

alan45

26-10-2012, 14:58

Soap News: The Queen has voiced her concerns over Sharon’s current storyline in Eastenders and has contacted the BBC to express her doubts about the direction of future episodes.

The character of Sharon, who returned to the square last month, is set to become engaged to Phil Mitchell later this autumn. It is said Her Majesty contacted the BBC after reading about this plot twist in the Daily Star, in order to voice her concerns that the storyline was ‘unrealistic’ and ‘lazy’.

“The Queen is worried that this is leading up to a typically explosive and incredibly depressing Christmas day episode of Eastenders,” said a spokeswoman for Buckingham Palace.

“Just for a change Her Majesty would like to see the residents of Albert Square having a nice time at Christmas - not getting divorced, going mad, or killing each other.”

It is not the first time the Queen has tried to influence British TV drama - last year she insisted on rewriting large parts of the script for the final episode of the sixth series of Doctor Who, “The Wedding of River Song”, as she felt it didn't provide enough of an ‘emotional rollercoaster’.

parkerman

26-10-2012, 15:39

However, it has been reported that although Buckingham Palace may be concerned about the Queen's views, most viewers couldn't give a toss what the late great Peggy Mitchell thinks and have advised her to keep quiet.

parkerman

16-12-2012, 17:09

Christmas 2012 Albert Square Special:

It was Christmas in Albert Square and everyone was getting ready for Christmas. As the only resident in the street to have seen every Christmas for the last 27 years, Ian was approaching the day with some apprehension. Nevertheless, he had his turkey on the go and was hoping that once, just once....

Over at the Mitchells, Phil was trying to order a take-away for dinner but soon discovered that all the take-aways were shut and realised he might have to make something himself. He looked in his fridge and found a few old sausages, some rashers of bacon and the odd egg or two. "A fry-up," he muttered to himself, "perfect. Just the thing for Christmas Day." He hoped the day would go well as he had invited Billy, Lola, Shirley and Jay over for lunch and Sharon if she wanted to.

The Brannings were preparing a big meal, turkey and all the trimmings, with Max and Tanya sharing the cooking chores. They had a large guest list including Abi, Lauren, Oscar, Derek, Joey, Alice, Rainie, Ava, Cora, Jack and Sharon if she wanted to.

Bianca was breaking open the chicken nuggets for herself, Carol, Whitney, Tyler, Liam, Morgan and Tiffany, while the Masoods, Mas, Zainab, Tamwar and AJ, were looking forward to their stereoype turkey curry.

At the B&B, Denise and Kym were organising a big festive spread for the guests, who consisted of Patrick, Ray and Sasha, while at The Queen Vic, Alfie and Kat were hosting a dinner for Jean, Mo, Roxy and Michael.

After the fry-up was heartily consumed by all the guests, Phil said he had an announcement to make. He said he had spoken to the social worker and had got her to agree that Lexi should be handed back to Lola full time and that he had asked Shirley to marry him and she had said yes. He further announced that he was taking Jay into full partnership at Mitchell's Autos and that Billy would be the manager. Then they all went into the living room to play a nice game of Monopoly.

Max Branning too had an announcement. He said that he wanted to be the first to announce the engagement of Joey and his little daughter Lauren as he was very proud of both of them. Joey added that he had now been reconciled with his father as Derek had sworn that he was giving up crime and, in fact, had only the day before got himself a job as a bus driver and was now going straight. Cora said she had her own announcement and that was that Ava was moving in with her.

Bianca took the opportunity of the whole family being together to say that she had just heard from Ricky and that he had become a millionaire and would be returning in the New Year and the family would be buying a new house and that all their money worries were now behind them.

Once the dishes were cleared away, Tamwar took centre stage to announce that he had heard from Afia and that she was coming back to him as she had decided she couldn't live without him and that as he felt the same way, this news had made him the happiest man in Walford.

Kym was able to inform her guests that she and Ray had set a date for their wedding and they were looking forward to settling down to a very happy life together.
Alfie didn't wait for dinner before saying that he and Kat had never been happier and that, although she had had an affair, it was all over and they were very much in love and would stay together. Michael said that was funny because he had heard from Janine and that she was coming back to him. Only Roxy looked a bit strained as she couldn't remember where Amy was, but then she suddenly remembered she was upstairs asleep, so that was all right.

Ian took his turkey out the oven and put it on the plate ready to carve for himself, Lucy and Bobby. "That's funny," he said, "I haven't heard any big arguments, guns firing, explosions or anything. Luce, are you sure it's Christmas Day?" Lucy nodded, "Yes dad, it's definitely Christmas Day because the cafe's shut."

Then the alarm clock rang. "Oh no," said Ian, "I knew it was too good to be true." As he said this, he heard the sound of arguing, gun shots and a big explosion. "Welcome to Christmas Day in Albert Square," he said to no-one in particular.

Siobhan

17-12-2012, 07:43

Ah a shooting, row, explosion in Albert Square is as christmas as sprouts

alan45

17-12-2012, 16:33

Ah a shooting, row, explosion in Albert Square is as christmas as sprouts

You forgot the fake snow.

alan45

17-12-2012, 16:33

Ah a shooting, row, explosion in Albert Square is as christmas as sprouts

You forgot the fake snow.

TaintedLove

03-11-2014, 02:06

At the end of Corrie on Christmas Day there will be scenes of snow coming down on the cobbles while Rita is warbling Christmas tunes. My guess this year is 'Have Yourself a very Merry Christmas' while scenes of characters crying in the Rovers, in their homes etc etc.
Yeah Merry bl**dy Christmas Stuart Blackburn you phony creep. It will be a Merry Christmas when you and not the turkey gets stuffed!!!!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v160/wavlovr/wavs%20icons/yucky.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v160/wavlovr/wavs%20icons/whistle.gif

parkerman

09-11-2014, 16:39

The month is November 2017, more than three years have gone by since the murder of Lucy Beale and the return to the Square of Nick Cotton, who is now training to be a vicar, having seen the error of his ways thanks to the love and support of Dot, who herself has now retired, receiving a big golden handshake from Mr Opodopolous. Lauren and Peter have been married for just over a year and are expecting their second child. Max and Emma have settled down together and have a very stable relationship, though they have yet to set a date for their marriage.

Sadly, Alfie and Kat split up in 2015 after his part in the fire was revealed. But fortunately Kat was able to find love with a new man who was brought into the Square as a new market trader coincidentally just after the break-up. Tamwar has gone back to stand-up and has been a big hit in the local clubs and theatres and is now awaiting his first appearance on Sunday Night at the London Palladium, while his father got married to Jane, who realised she couldn't face life without him. Shabnam and Kush are also married after Shabnam gave up Islam, becoming instead an outspoken atheist.

Fatboy became the market inspector after Aleks went back home with his wife, leaving a distraught Roxy, who spent the first hour after he'd gone sobbing and the second hour in bed with her new man, none other than Ian Beale. Winston and Tracey got married in the wedding of the year back in 2016 and both were given bigger speaking parts becoming major characters, while Phil and Shirley at last got together after Phil realised what a liability Sharon was. Peggy returned in the early part of 2017 and now lives with them.

So, a lot of changes have taken place on the Square over those three and a bit years since Lucy's death.

Meanwhile, over in an upstairs room of the Queen Vic, Mick and Linda are sitting on the sofa. Mick is looking puzzled as he looks at Linda and says, "L, L, I know sumfink's wrong."

"Nah, nuffink, babe. I'm just a bit tired 's'all."

"Nah, L, I know ya, just tell me what's wrong. Is it me?"

"No, babe, it's nuffink to do wiv you. I'm just tired."

"I know, I'll invite Dean and his new girl friend, Abs, over for a cup of tea, that'll cheer you up."

On hearing the name Dean, Linda immediately emits a high piercing scream and starts ripping up the cushions.

"Ok, ok," says Mick quickly, "we don't 'ave to ask Abs rahnd as well. Just Dean, eh?"

Linda stares at him then turns and runs at the window hurling herself out, falling in a heap on the pavement below."

Mick looks out, "L, L, you can talk to me...."

parkerman

09-11-2014, 16:39

........

Glen1

09-11-2014, 17:13

Absolutely love it, my better half is wondering what I'm laughing at on the laptop, many thanks for taking the time to put it together. :thumbsup: ::cheer:

Dazzle

09-11-2014, 17:49

Great to see this thread back Parkerman! :)

I laughed at just about all of it, but the following is my absolute favourite part:-

...Shabnam gave up Islam, becoming instead an outspoken atheist.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Love the idea of Winston and Tracey getting speaking parts at last!

alan45

20-02-2015, 20:19

Back to the present day…..

Over on the square something was stirring…..The voluptuous porcine beauty known as Sharon Wattsherface watched as the signs went up above the door of the Gerrouttamah Pub, formerly known as The Queen Vic. Shall had recently been contacted by her celebrity lawyer Marcus Christie who when going through the estate of the late Den Watts discovered that Ms Wattsherface was in fact the owner of the Pab and that it should never have been sold to the family of the Toxic Midget thus making all previous sales null and void. ''Oh if only Dennis Plank was ere to see me back in charge of my old dad’s pub” she said to her latest boyfriend Kermit Grenouille. ‘’We will show those Mitchells” The Watts are back in town.
In a dingy flat a semi naked male stopped performing for his worldwide webcam audience of 2. His master plan was coming to fruition. He would show all this who dissed him that he was still the master. No lucky bingo balls for him.

Over at the Car Lot there were changes in the air and more new signs going up. That well known piebald ace mechanic from The Dales had moved in and opened up a new branch of Dingle Motors in the square. With her Criminal background and her penchant for handling stolen motors she would fit in well with the citizens of Walford. Yes DEBBEHH felt good about the future and was not afraid of the Mitchells either. She knew she would be more than a match for Beetroot man and his crone of a muvva

Not even the Minute Mart was safe. After telling all on t’cobbles he was away to do humanitarian work in India Devendra Allinthehands was satisfied with the latest acquisition to his empire. Hopefully Mad Maya the Arseonist would not realise. E17 should be much more peaceful than Weatherfield. He could just see it now. Hundreds of corner shops all across the metropolis

How long would this peaceful scene last?

Does anyone actually care?

Would anyone notice?

Meanwhile 3000 miles away deep in the jungle a wannabe SAS trooper picked up a call on his satellite phone. “GWANT Gwant get back ome them bloomin Watts is back. They are in MAH PAB………………………………...

parkerman

13-08-2015, 12:00

Christmas Day 2015 in Albert Square

As the snow begins to fall gently outside their window, Ian and Jane get busy preparing Christmas Dinner. "Well, it's been a tough year, love, but thankfully we've come through it without too much problem. Just think in a moment, Bobby will wake up and open up his presents and it will all have been worth it."

"Yes," replies Jane," but all the same I can't help feeling sorry for some of the other residents on the Square."

"What, like Max you mean?" says Ian, "Even if he didn't actually murder Lucy, he still deserved the life sentence with no parole he got from the judge."

"Well, not just Max..."

"Oh, Abi? Well, her and Ben were never going to last anyway. That nervous breakdown she had after she told lies about her old man and then saw Ben walk off with Paul was no more than she deserved. That spell in the mental hospital will do her good."

"And there was Liam."

"Don't talk to me about Liam. He had it coming to him. He was threatening to tell the police remember and Bobby really didn't hit him that hard."

"And what about Ben, Carol, Phil, Sharon, your mum, Cindy, Sonia, Mick, Shirley and all the others. All either in prison, hospital or dead."

"But at least Bobby is safe, that's all that matters."

Just then Bobby comes down stairs and enters the kitchen.

"Hello son," Ian waves to him cheerily, "Did you like your presents?"

"I like this one, dad," says Bobby as he waves a gun around his head.

"Where did you get that from," says Jane, alarmed.

"It was a present from that nice Vincent and Ronnie couple. Well, not exactly a present, I found it in their house after I'd broken in."

Jane gives Bobby a funny look, "I thought I hadn't seen Vincent and Ronnie around for a while. What have you done to them?"

"Well I had to try the gun out to see if it worked."

"Right, ok, here's what we do," puts in Ian hurriedly, "I'll get rid of the gun and say you were with us all the time."

Jane gives him a withering look. "We must protect Bobby at all costs," Ian reminds her.

But it's too late as Bobby hurls the gun at Jane and knocks her to the ground. Ian hurries over and feels her pulse.

"OK, son, here's what we'll do...."

Dazzle

13-08-2015, 14:34

And there was me hoping the Bobby story would run for some years! :D

Will Eastenders even exist by 2016 after Bobby's knocked off everyone but Ian? Maybe due to BBC cutbacks, the soap will finish completely on New Year's Eve with Bobby giving Ian's bloody, lifeless corpse one last look over his shoulder, shrugging nonchalantly, and walking off into the sunset with an evil glint in his eye...

alan45

13-08-2015, 17:52

alan45

13-08-2015, 17:52

parkerman

13-08-2015, 18:44

And there was me hoping the Bobby story would run for some years! :D

It still could. Think of all the characters they could bring back from the dead. Why stop at Den and Kathy? Then there's Winston and Tracey. Bobby still has to deal with them. And I think you will find he'll meet his match in Winston.....I'm saying no more as I have been sworn to secrecy by DTC.....

maidmarian

13-08-2015, 19:05

It still could. Think of all the characters they could bring back from the dead. Why stop at Den and Kathy? Then there's Winston and Tracey. Bobby still has to deal with them. And I think you will find he'll meet his match in Winston.....I'm saying no more as I have been sworn to secrecy by DTC.....

Ah! Ive been wondering why you haven't
commented on the new extended EE set
that was detailed on here recently.

My first thought At last- a fitting setting for
Winston.!!

Now I undserstand your reticence.Omerta
Je Comprenez or similar !!

maidmarian

13-08-2015, 19:05

Dupl

Dazzle

14-08-2015, 00:58

Then there's Winston and Tracey. Bobby still has to deal with them. And I think you will find he'll meet his match in Winston.....I'm saying no more as I have been sworn to secrecy by DTC.....

DTC isn't big on realism, so is it possible the unassuming Winston has been leading a double life as a super hero (with Tracy as his glamorous sidekick)? I think it'd take someone supernaturally strong to take down the killing machine that is Bobby Beale...

parkerman

14-08-2015, 08:43

... so is it possible the unassuming Winston has been leading a double life as a super hero (with Tracy as his glamorous sidekick)?

How did you find out? Who told you? It was supposed to be a secret!

Dazzle

14-08-2015, 19:08

How did you find out? Who told you? It was supposed to be a secret!

Didn't you know? DTC and I are like that http://www.stingtalk.com/forums/images/smilies/fingersx.gif

Kim

14-08-2015, 19:40

How have I only just seen this thread? :lol:

parkerman

15-08-2015, 00:05

I just hope that, if you've read it all through from the beginning you can work out and remember who all these people are!

parkerman

20-08-2015, 10:05

It is the first day of Max Branning's trial. Sitting watching from the gallery are many of Albert Square's residents, all of whom know that Max is innocent but are all in agreement that Bobby Beale must be protected at all costs. The prosecution feel they have a strong case, though this was somewhat dented when Bobby hurled his Play Station at Abi Branning, killing her stone dead, after she built a bigger house than him when they were playing Minecraft together and attacked Bobby's house with a mob of Endermen who blew his house up with TNT.

Fortunately, only Ian was at home at the time and he hurriedly put Abi's body in the boot of his car and drove her to Epping Forest, burying her in a hastily dug hole, strangely enough near the same hole in which Tanya had once buried Max. He then forged a note from Abi saying she was going away for a couple of months. Although Ben thought it a bit strange she had said nothing to him, he accepted what Ian told him and ran off with Paul.

In his opening statement for the defence, Marcus says that not only is he going to prove Max's innocence but is going to prove conclusively that Phil Mitchell murdered Lucy with the connivance of Sharon. In another part of the court, Inspector Marsbar jumps up and down, barely able to contain her delight, shouting, "Yes! Yes!"

Sharon glances at Jane, who whispers to her, "Even if he does Sharon, remember it is far better that you go down as an accessory to murder than we do anything to upset Bobby." "Yes, you're right of course," replies Sharon. Ian looks across and adds, "We'll come and visit you, if you do go down."

To be continued...

Dazzle

20-08-2015, 17:37

Very good Parkerman! :D

This part made me choke on my coffee:

In his opening statement for the defence, Marcus says that not only is he going to prove Max's innocence but is going to prove conclusively that Phil Mitchell murdered Lucy with the connivance of Sharon.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

parkerman

27-05-2016, 10:41

Having heard all the evidence and counsels' closing remarks, the judge told the jury that he would now give his summing up, after which they had to reach their verdicts. He reminded the jury there were eleven defendants, which was most unusual in a case of perverting the course of justice. Nine, he said, were in the dock because they knew that Bobby had murdered Lucy and had sat back and allowed an innocent man to be banged up for 21 years; one because she was a little toe rag and had dobbed her father in it just because she didn't like him and one because he was a police sergeant who had refused to investigate when told Bobby was the murderer because Mr Branning had been his love rival.

He went on to say that he had never come across a case before where practically the whole population of a particular area had known the truth and yet the police didn't have a clue, though, given that it was the well-known Keystone Soap Police, he wasn't very surprised. He told the jury that it was an open and shut case and that personally, if he was on the jury, he'd find the whole lot of them guilty, lock them up and throw away the key. "However," he continued, "I do not wish to influence you as you must make your own minds up on the evidence presented." He then dismissed them and told them to come back with a unanimous verdict.

As the 11 prisoners were led back to their cells, Sharon began to cry. "Don't worry," said Phil, "I've bribed the foreman of the jury. We'll all be found not guilty except that weasel, Ian, as I've told the foreman to find him solely responsible. He thinks he's become my friend over the last few months, but I've been having him on. Give me half a chance and I'd have his head down the khazi again as quick as a flash."

After an hour, the jury filed back into court. The Foreman of the Jury stood to deliver his verdict. He said, by a unanimous decision, the jury had found the whole lot of them guilty and recommended locking them all up and throwing away the key. Phil was apoplectic. "Give me back my money," he shouted at the Foreman. But before anyone could say anything, he fell to the ground writhing in agony, "My liver, my liver," he cried. Sharon shouted at the Foreman, "Now look what you've done. This is all your fault." She looked round the courtroom and saw Grant in the public gallery. "Grant," she shouted, "Fix 'im." "Not likely sweet'eart," replied Grant, "I bribed the Foreman even more to make sure you and Phil went down!"

And so, they were all led away and everyone agreed that justice had at last been done. Just one man stayed behind in court, his head in his hands. "What has he done to me?" he muttered over and over again. "That b*****d, Treadwell-Collins has dropped me right in it. All my cast have been taken off to jail. How can I produce Eastenders with no cast?"

Suddenly he heard a loud cackling laugh from behind him, "I've fixed you O'Connor. I hated what you did to The Archers. Now I've got my revenge at last. Loose ends I told them, loose ends. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

parkerman

27-05-2016, 10:41

Sorry, forgot to Go Advanced!

Dazzle

28-05-2016, 02:53

Suddenly he heard a loud cackling laugh from behind him, "I've fixed you O'Connor. I hated what you did to The Archers. Now I've got my revenge at last. Loose ends I told them, loose ends. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

DTC will surely win best villain at the British Soap Awards on Sunday after that disturbing performance! Who knew he had it in him? :eek: :clap: :p

parkerman

08-01-2017, 20:17

Blowing into his hands and trying to keep warm, Martin was shivering outside Walford East Station. "Where is she?" he thought to himself, "eleven o' clock she said and it's nearly half past." Suddenly, he spotted her coming down the stairs. She ran up to him and threw her arms round him and gave him a big hug. "Sorry I'm late," she said, "have you been here long?" "Long enough," grumbled Martin, "I'm freezing." "Never mind, I'm here now."

"OK, 'Chelle, so what's it all about anyway?" "Nothing special really, Martin," Michelle replied, "I just thought I'd fly over from America so we could all meet up again. You, me, Ian, Sharon, Kathy. I haven't been back for such a long time. Even missed Mum, Dad and Mark's funerals and your two weddings as I was so busy, so I thought I'd finally find time when nothing much is happening, when there are no important family occasions, to get over and see everyone.

"Have you told anyone we're coming?" Martin inquired. "No, I thought we'd surprise them," Michelle replied. "OK, where to first then?" said Martin. "Well, we could go and see Ian I suppose." As they walked through the market, they saw Winston selling CDs on his stall. "Hi, Winston!" yelled Martin, "Still here. Are you allowed to talk yet?" Winston shook his head, but there was something about the way he looked at them that made both Martin and Michelle a bit uneasy. "It's a shame he can't speak," put in Michelle, because I think he had something to say to us. He looked at us a bit funny." "Yes," replied Martin, "I thought so too."

Suddenly they saw Tracey coming out of the Queen Vic and she gave them the same funny look. "What's up?" said Michelle. But Tracey just shook her head and ran off. "All a bit peculiar," observed Martin.

Shortly afterwards they arrived at Ian's house and knocked on the door. A good looking young girl answered the door. "Yes," she said. "Who are you?" said Martin. "What do you want to know for? Who are you?" "We're Ian's cousins," replied Martin. Lauren gave them the same funny look that Winston and Tracey had given them and said, "I didn't know he had any more cousins." "What do you mean, any more, er..er?" said Michelle.

"Lauren. My name is Lauren and..." But before she could say any more, Martin quickly put in, "Lauren Branning?" Lauren nodded. This time it was Martin's turn to give her a funny look. "You look different to how I remember you," he said. "How do you remember me?" said Lauren, "have we met before?"

Before Martin could answer, Ian came bounding down the stairs, "Who is it Lauren?" Suddenly he saw Martin and Michelle at the door. There was that look again.

Duff duff.

Tonight's cast:
Ian Beale: Adam Woodyat
Lauren Branning: Jacqueline Jossa
Winston: Ulric Browne
Tracey: Jane Slaughter
Martin: James Alexandrou
Michelle: Susan Tully

To be continued......

parkerman

25-01-2018, 18:46

The year is 2025. The camera pans down Coronation Street to see that there are many For Sale boards outside the houses. In the middle of the street, Ken and Rita meet by chance. Rita says, "Oh hello, Ken. Good to see a familiar face for a change."

"I know what you mean, Rita," Ken replies, "So many people gone. Apart from you and me, there's only that nice Pat Phelan and Eileen left from the old days. Of course, a few newcomers have moved in, but they don't seem to last long. I've never known so many murders as we've had in the last few years. Even in the time of Richard Hillman we saw nothing like this."

"Yes," nods Rita in agreement, "and yet somehow the police can't seem to get to the bottom of it. It's all very mysterious. People won't move in out of fear."

Ken looks around. "Do you remember, Rita, when this was a thriving little community? Now the Rover's Return is closed. We have no corner shop or newsagent. Roy's Rolls closed up and even the kebab shop gone. No-one to work there and no customers. It's all very sad."

Suddenly Pat Phelan came out of his front door brandishing a gun, which he pointed at Rita and shot her dead. He then went back indoors where Eileen made him a nice cup of tea. Ken immediately phoned the police and told them what had happened. After a couple of hours a police car turned up and two policemen got out. Ken showed them Rita's body.

"Well well, yet another murder in Coronation Street," said the first policeman, "it's all very mysterious."

"No it isn't," said Ken, "I saw exactly what happened."

"Oh right," said the other policeman. "In that case, we'll be round to ask for a statement in due course."

When the police still hadn't been round in two weeks, Ken rang the station to ask when they were coming to take his statement. The voice at the other end said, "Oh, sorry, we won't be sending anyone round. We've decided there's no point. We've put the murder down to just one of those things. We won't be investigating any further. You look after yourself Mr Barlow."

Just as he put the phone down, Pat Phelan burst into his house and shot him dead."

Back home, Eileen made him another cup of tea and said, "So it's just you and me now, Pat. I'm so lucky to have you. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

Pat shot her and Coronation Street finally came to an end.