Grief

[Xx-Vicky-xX]

Sorry if it's already posted or in wrong place do what ever with it if need be :)

This keeps coming up lately in my life with friends losing people and going through all kinds of emotions/feelings i just wondered how to deal with friends who have lost people.

Anyone here lost people close to them? What did you want other friends to do? Do you know a friend going through it? what have you done for them? Basically just asking for experiences/advice really.

[Abbie]

My friend lost her mum a couple of years ago, I was just there if she needed to talk really and met up to talk and hugs.
I dont that doesnt sound like much but its all we could do.


Plus in primary school when I lost one of my grandparents it was pretty awful and my friends wre useless, I mean ok we were very young, all I wanted to do was cry and have a hug

[Xx-Vicky-xX]

Problem i have is all my mates going through it dont live near me so i cant just pop round there and see them when i like

[Abbie]

A phone call will do im sure, thats what I did with my friend cos she doesnt live near me either

[Xx-Vicky-xX]

They dont ever feel like talking on the phone at the mo either im limited. The moods are unpredictable (though one of them this happened to in october so we seem to have got past the mood changes part of it for now, however because it is xmas its all up in the air with her again now but its not mood changes its just hit her now where as it never did before)

[Meh]

I lost my mum earlier this year. I don't think its a question of dealing with it. You just learn to live with it because that dull ache never goes away.

[alan45]

I lost my mum earlier this year. I don't think its a question of dealing with it. You just learn to live with it because that dull ache never goes away.

Very true words NB.

I worked as a Funeral Director for 15 years and that was the most common sentiment.

[Tannie]

In my eye's after Steph and Alyson. Just be there for them when they need to talk, if they drift away from you, don't take it personally, they should come back soon. Try to make them smile and don't let them continually dwell on the fact that the person's gone, the memories they've ha with them will always be with them. Hope that helps Vicky :D May be a bit confusing through :S

[Chloe O'brien]

Very true words NB.

I worked as a Funeral Director for 15 years and that was the most common sentiment.


It's 14 years today since my Mum passed away and it's true what NB says you don't get over it you just get used to living with the dull ache. If your friend doesn't want to talk on the phone Vicky send her a thinking of you card, just to let her know that you are thinking of her and if she ever wants to talk then you're there for her.

I am dealing with grief at the moment. One of Marley's teachers she had two years ago died at the begining of December from Cancer. He was only 57 and within 3 months of being diagonsed he was gone. Marley and the other kids at school have taken it badly. This is the first close person to her who has died. Her way of dealing with it is to talk about Mr Fyfe and all that he taught her.

[SarahWakefield]

My Grandma died last month, two days after her 82nd birthday. This sounds strange but I really don't think its hit me properly yet as all the family still talk about her most days.

Hope shes much happier now wherever she may be, as she wasn't happy to be alive anymore.

I'm sure shes still lurking around my house, I always hear strange noises. Told her to behave but she wont listen. Love her lots.

The pain of her not being here anymore will always hurt, but I've got lovely memories of her that will never go away :)

[Perdita]

I lost my parents over 16 years ago within 6 months of each other and I agree with NB, you learn to live with them not being part of your daily life. I speak to them in my mind all the time though, which helps me because I believe their spirit knows that I am thinking of them.

[Xx-Vicky-xX]

I have had two people die in my life (that i knew) my nan (mum's mum) but i was 4 and i never felt grief or if i did i certainly do not remember and i've never gone through the stages my friends seem to be going through with that. My grandad's mum died 6 years ago aswell but i never felt anything there either. It was a shame but i wasnt sad we had been expecting it for 3 months before she died anyway. That sounds terrible but it's true.

My friends say they can't sleep, go through terrible mood changes (as in one min be fine the next be in tears), they get angry over it all aswell.

I don't know if its just the way i am. Maybe now i would feel this kinda stuff cos im older (not that i want to find out) but i've never been one for emotions much anyway but i have never felt anything like they say yet i have done a bit of net research and it all seems to be normal.

I just don't know what to do for the best with my friends i really don't.

[Perdita]

They are going through the classical symptoms as you describe them, first reactions are

'I can't believe it'
it may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. Some people carry on as if nothing has happened. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back

'I feel nothing'
the shock can make you numb, you may feel you're in a different world

'Why did it have to happen?'
death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together

'I feel such pain'
physical and mental pain can feel completely overwhelming and very frightening

'I go over it again and again'
you can't stop thinking about the events leading up to the death

'If only'
you may feel guilty about things you have said or did or that you didn't say or do

'I feel so depressed, life has no meaning, I can't go on'
many people say there are times after a death when they feel there is nothing worth living for and they feel like ending it all

'I hear and see her, what is wrong with me?'
thinking you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience and can happen when you least expect it

'They said I'd be over it in a few months'
many people find it takes much longer to learn to cope without someone to love

'One minute I'm angry and the next minute I can't stop crying'

Many people find the mood swings very frightening. CRUSE is an organisation that might be of help. http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/, maybe you can suggest this?

[Xx-Vicky-xX]

Yeah the symptoms listed are the kinda thing i've read on the net but can friends help? The net bases its info on the assumption you live close by and can pop round and cook/clean for them and does not tell you how to help a friend if this is not the case

[Abigail]

What Perdita described is loosely based on the Five stages of grief (http://www.essortment.com/all/stagesofgri_rvkg.htm): denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In order to overcome your grief for a loved one, you must go through all five stages. Some take longer than others to reach acceptance, some people regress between stages, it's different for everyone and each person they grieve for.

To feel pain and sadness when a loved one passes on is normal. I'd be more concerned if your friends weren't getting angry or crying at all. What they're experiencing is normal. Yes it hurts and it's awful to see or hear them so upset.

Can you communicate by email with your friends? Don't force anything, some people don't want to talk about their bereavement. Just let them know that you're around if they want to talk/email. Apart from the practical and emotional stuff, there's not a lot else you can do. People work through grief at different rates and there's no guideline as to how long it will take. Just be there for your friends if and when they need you :)

[Xx-Vicky-xX]

Yes i can email them and text/talk on msn but what do you say to a person in that situation? Do you say anything? It's hard ::hmm::searchme::thumbsdow

[Perdita]

Just ask them how they are and let them know you are there for them if they want to talk to somebody.

[Abigail]

Ask them about their day, what plans they have for the next few days etc. People don't always want to talk about death and funeral arrangements.