Agony aunt

[sean slater]

I'm sure there used to be an agony aunt on the off-topic discussion when I used to come on here. Where has it disappeared to?

[Abigail]

Probably got lost in the forum shake up along with many other threads if it can't be found through the search feature.

[Meh]

Tell us your woes

[Abigail]

Yes, please do tell :) The two Rudolphs can come up with a variety of solutions, very much like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (possibly with the option of becoming one too!) :)

[Meh]

Yup - we're like the A-Team
"If no one can help, and if you can find them (in nigeria), maybe the R-Team can help"

[sean slater]

lol well i guess i may as well. Maybe we could revive the thread?

I feel a bit stupid starting it up here though.

I had a thing with a guy in work a few months ago and now he's sleeping with my boss. What we had wasnt a relationship or anything. Just a bit of fooling around, and even though its been months since it happened, I still feel awkward around him. I have to work with him and his girlfriend, there in a proper relationship now, full on.

[Meh]

How does he react to you?

[Abigail]

Are you jealous? Did/do you want more from this guy?

[Meh]

Are you better looking than his new girlfriend?

[Abigail]

Are you better looking than his new girlfriend?

Oooh contro-versial!!

Can I direct you to a sugar daddy website?

[sean slater]

Hes just really friendly and down to earth, makes conversation, but its still reallly awkward for me, and I don't know why. At the time when we fooled around it didnt even mean anything to me, but then when I saw him again he was with my boss.

[Meh]

OK, what do you mean by "fooled around?"

Is thing going to be like the Bill Clinton definition of sex?

[Abigail]

Do you want to be with him on a more than casual basis?

I think we're talking friends with benefits here NB.

[Abbie]

Have you started to have meaningful feelings for him?

[sean slater]

OK, what do you mean by "fooled around?"

Is thing going to be like the Bill Clinton definition of sex?

No we didnt go as far as sex. We had a big conversation about how I thought it was weird to be in a relationship with somebody who I worked with, and that I wouldnt want to start something up. But then I went ahead at did stuff with him anyway, which was really against my plan!

I couldnt start something up with him now as he's dating my boss. I couldnt really go there again unless she left the country lol.

[Abigail]

Have you started to have meaningful feelings for him?

Yes, that's what I was trying to say but it didn't come out well.

[Meh]

Stuff? Like kissing, flirting etc?

[Abigail]

OK, what do you mean by "fooled around?"

Is thing going to be like the Bill Clinton definition of sex?

No we didnt go as far as sex. We had a big conversation about how I thought it was weird to be in a relationship with somebody who I worked with, and that I wouldnt want to start something up. But then I went ahead at did stuff with him anyway, which was really against my plan!

I couldnt start something up with him now as he's dating my boss. I couldnt really go there again unless she left the country lol.

I've been in that situation. Complicates things unless you set boundaries before the "stuff" happens.

You're still avoiding the question of if you have feelings for him.

[Abbie]

Did you want more than what it was?

[sean slater]

Have you started to have meaningful feelings for him?

I like him. I dont know if i'd go as far as meaningful, I'm not in love with him or anything. I just feel like I shouldnt have done anything with him, and that I should have kept it purely platonic, cos now its awkward. I dont think anybody in work knows about it, unless there just keeping it secret. So it feels like its hanging over me.

[Abbie]

If your thinking about it a lot then maybe you do have feelings?

[Meh]

Have you started to have meaningful feelings for him?

I like him. I dont know if i'd go as far as meaningful, I'm not in love with him or anything. I just feel like I shouldnt have done anything with him, and that I should have kept it purely platonic, cos now its awkward. I dont think anybody in work knows about it, unless there just keeping it secret. So it feels like its hanging over me.

To be honest, I wouldn't worry about it

There's plenty of girls that will be in more trouble this year when they sleep with their boss at xmas

[Abbie]

Just try to pretens nothing happened, that what I do :)

[Abigail]

If you honestly have no feelings that you want to take further, it's time to move on. Hanging on to the past doesn't do anyone any good. You had a bit of fun together and now he's found someone he wants to be committed to. Whether that's your boss or another co-worker isn't really your business.

[sean slater]

Just try to pretens nothing happened, that what I do :)

That's what I am doing, but it seems to be making it worse.

I agree I am happy for him, but it just feels really bad when I have to see them in work constantly in front of my face. So yeh I think I am jealous. Only because he decided to get off with her a few days after stuff happened with me. And what happened between us was just ignored. And its like he couldnt care less.

[Abbie]

hows it making it worse?

[sean slater]

Just try to pretens nothing happened, that what I do :)

Like i'm lying to everyone including myself.

I really am making too much of this, but its just the way I feel. I'm obviously too oversensitive. lol.

[Siobhan]

SS, think I know where you are coming from.. had something similar happen to me.. Although it was just fun and you had "moments" together to see him with someone else hurts.. you are not oversensitive.. maybe, deep down, you felt like this was going somewhere, starting as a laugh but could be more and then he moves on... He is going to do that cause maybe he doesn't think there was anything in it, you felt more than he did. He may not even realise that it does hurt you, after all it was just Fun!!

You can talk to him, but that is so hard , at least he will know how you feel and might not rub it in your face so often... You will get over this.. trust me, I have been there and survived.. hope this helps you.

[Abigail]

Hi all,

I need some advice on how to handle an ex-friend. I don't want to talk to him, I've moved on and I'm not interested in anything he's got to say. We both sit on the same committee which complicates things. I've considered resigning to make my life easier but I don't see why I should.

He keeps sending me emails to my personal account and my officer account asking why I haven't replied to his emails and that I'm turning people against him, I'm evil, I should grow up etc. The reason why I'm not replying to his emails is because they're slanderous and I have better things to do than waste my time replying to him. Some of them made me cry. I haven't spoken to anyone about the situation, it's all in his head.

I've got three emails from him in the last hour and now he's involving union staff in the emails. What it's got to do with them I don't know.

I've blocked him from contacting me on Facebook. I don't want anything to do with him and I certainly don't want to get involved in an email war.

He also owes me £100, which he's said that I won't be getting back. I threatened him with the small claims court but I have no receipts. I do have two emails asking for my bank details and the amount and another email saying he thought it was more than that. I can afford to lose that money but I'd rather have it back.

Trouble is, he's studying law so anything I come up with needs to be water tight. I don't mind spending a nominal amount to send a solicitors letter. I'm not in a bad financial position at the moment (surprisingly) but it's the principle of it.

So questions: how do I get him to leave me alone? Should I just ignore him? How do I get my money back?

[Perdita]

Firstly, keep all his emails, you might need them one day. Are you able to discuss the situation with him or are you not speaking at all? If you can't/don't want to discuss it directly with him, is there somebody who could mediate? With regards to the money he owes you, I would get legal advice, I believe that the initial advice consultation is not too expensive but you can probably find out before you go. The emails should be proof that he got the money from you and I don't think that you should write the money off, it is a lot of cash for anybody, especially a student. I would discuss his slanderous emails at the same time. Maybe a legal eagle on here can be more specific, hope you get this sorted soon, must be stressful.

[moonstorm]

Rather than a lawyer what about the Citizens Advise, they dont cost anything and could at least point you in the right direction.

This guy sounds as if he has an attention seeking problem, which usually stems from low self esteem, so he obviously needs your approval of him so the more you ignore him the more he pushes you but by giving in to him you are simple playing into his hands, therefore, if I were you, I would keep ignoring him.

[Abigail]

All our friends are mutual and apparently I'm turning them against him :rolleyes: I've got better things to do with my weekend than bitch about him.

I really don't want to talk to him. It won't be productive and will just end in point scoring (he's already reached that stage). My health is more important than a one sided friendship.

In one of the emails he's actually blackmailed me over a crime that I committed (no evidence, bit of spray painting and he took part in it too!!) and my mental health. I'm not interested in the spray painting; it's not just me who he's going to land in it, there was about half a dozen other people involved. I really don't want my medical history all over the union and university. I could probably write it off as revenge but some people would know the truth and I can't bear the thought of that.

I've seen emails he's sent to someone (don't ask me how :ninja:) saying that I'm a traitor and can't be trusted.

My only regret is not realising what he was like before now. I don't deny that I can be a bitch but I've sent one short email to him. I've had about eight in return, all abusive, threatening and downright nasty.

[Abigail]

Rather than a lawyer what about the Citizens Advise, they dont cost anything and could at least point you in the right direction.

This guy sounds as if he has an attention seeking problem, which usually stems from low self esteem, so he obviously needs your approval of him so the more you ignore him the more he pushes you but by giving in to him you are simple playing into his hands, therefore, if I were you, I would keep ignoring him.

I don't know where my local CAB is round here. My granddad volunteers at one back home so I'll speak to him about it at the weekend. I want to get something sorted before then though.

I have no intention of talking to him about anything other than committee business. I don't deny that I made some threats relating to that (I'll send the emails to someone if they want to see them). I just want him to leave me alone.

[Dazzle]

I really feel for you.

I definitely agree about keeping all his emails as proof of this abuse, and also discussing the situation with your grandfather, and perhaps a lawyer further down the line.

Is there someone in authority or a friend on the union staff that you could confide in, showing them the emails to back you up? I think someone else needs to hear your side of things so that you don't feel so alone in this situation, and to back you up.

I think you're definitely right in not communicating with him directly. Hopefully, he'll give up eventually when he doesn't get a reaction.

Good luck.

[Abigail]

I spoke to the manager who looks after officers this afternoon. She said I can either make a formal union complaint and take it through the union disciplinary procedures or go to the university. As he's already in trouble with the university, he's facing expulsion.

The president emailed him and told him not to contact me again but it didn't work. It took about half an hour to get another abusive email. He was shocked at what was written in them.

I'm going to take it through the union disciplinary after I've talked to the president later tonight. I'm not putting up with it.

His girlfriend was in the union earlier saying how he's misunderstood and it's ME that's causing trouble. I've sent one email telling him to leave me alone and he's sent me ten abusive ones in return. He's lost the plot.

[Dazzle]

:cheer: Well done for taking action!!! I'm sure this will all be over for you soon. It sounds like you're now getting the support you needed.

[Chloe O'brien]

I hope the uni throw this cretin out on his butt Abigail for the stress he is causing you. Though you may have to wave ta-ta to your money unless you could ask one of the lecturers teaching law about some advice on getting your money back.

[Meh]

Send him an email saying you want your £100 back. If he replies without any denial you have your proof.