Jokes

[Perdita]

The Art collector

A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[Pantherboy]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

[Pantherboy]

For those who remember the old nursery rhyme...…..


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.

[Pantherboy]

A man took his six-year-old daughter to the office.

As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly.

“Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

[Perdita]

A man took his six-year-old daughter to the office.

As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly.

“Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

[Pantherboy]

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute... hear my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.

Without breakfast I hurried out to the car, to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.."

"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.

I started waiting on these people,

All the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."

"Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[Perdita]

[lizann]

Paddy walked into the local and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Paddy got up to head of home saying goodnight to the barman

"S'cuse me," said a shamo, sitting at the bar who'd been watching Paddy confused "What in the name of jaysis was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Paddy, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives and told me i better not touch a pint."

[lizann]

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from

[lizann]

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common? "It's not unusual