All purpose soap storyline

[parkerman]

Another peek into the future...:

The smouldering remains of the Queen Vic cast a stale burning stench over the Walford air. The normally happy-go-lucky denizens of Albert Square were in a state of shock.

“So many of our friends dead or missing,” wailed Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above. “And just think, it could have been me in there.” The total numbers dead or missing amounted to 13. “Unlucky for some,” mused Libby, who, at that moment, was glad she had never been able to find her way to Oxford as she felt she needed to be with those who had lost their lives in the producer’s cull – sorry, in the fire. Amongst those definitely gone were Stacey Slagperson, Charlie Cabbie, Chelsea Fux and Minty with the hole in the head.

Lucas looked on in amazement. “This fire has killed more people than even I could manage. God is being unkind to me. Who did it? Who has God chosen above me to slaughter the wicked?”

Just as he said the words, Little Ben Milky Bar Kid pushed through what was left of the saloon bar doors (older readers will recognise the allusion here). “It was me, Lucas,” he said, “I am the new villain of Albert Square.” “You look different,” said Lucas. “Yes, it’s the new mean me,” replied the new kid on the block. “And if you don’t watch out your Community Centre will be going up in flames too.” Lucas stepped back.

Suddenly Roxy Bitchell entered the glowing embers of what had once been her pride and joy. “I can’t believe it,” she said, “Little Ben. Someone must have put you up to this.”

“You’re damn right they did,” exclaimed the Queen of Walford, entering stage left in dramatic fashion with her bra pinging off her ample bosoms. “This is all mine and if I can’t have it no-one can. Now gerrouramypub all of you.”

And with that there was great rejoicing in all the land that Peggy Bitchell was unharmed and back in her rightful place behind the bar of the Queen Vic, even though it wasn’t there any more.

To be continued in high def….

[parkerman]

Tram Crash Special

It is getting dark in Weatherfield and the evening rush hour has just begun. In normal circumstances this would not affect the residents of Coronation Street as none of them commute any more than 10 yards to get to work. But this is going to be a night like no other. As people board the 7:30 p.m. tram from Manchester Central (or somewhere) little do they and the people below realise what fate has in store for them.

Down below the tram bridge on the famous cobbles, practically everyone is getting ready to go to the Rovers for a drink or two as you do. Rita, Norris and Tina are just tidying up the Kabin, each wondering where the post office counter is, while Dev and Sunita are cashing up in the corner store. However, this is no ordinary night as everyone in the street seems to have had a premonition that things might not be quite the same after tonight. Many have checked their contracts but even Ken Barlow is apprehensive. “50 years is a long time,” he tells Deirdre, as they prepare for another affair each – I mean prepare for another night out at the Rovers. Perhaps the most worried of all is poor Molly, who says she has had nightmares reading the newspapers and websites. Jack Duckworth is not worried one way or the other as he continues to do good deeds. “I’ll be heading for the new bar, The Joinery, the same as usual,” he confides in Tyrone. “I might come with you,” replies Tyrone, “along with my best mate, Kevin. He’s always been so good to me. We should be there together.”

Over at the Peacocks, Claire remembers they’ve run out of fish fingers and tells Ashley she thinks it would be a good idea if the whole family went over to Dev’s shop before it closes to buy a packet. Ashley is not convinced but agrees for the sake of a quiet life, so they all get their coats on and head for the Corner Shop.

Over at Eileen’s, Sean is excited because Violet has agreed to visit and bring Dylan with her. They have agreed to meet under the viaduct. Eileen herself has an assignation with Owen, or maybe it’s another man, she can’t quite remember. All she knows is she’s arranged to meet him just outside The Joinery. Up in Jason’s room, Jason and Rosie are going at it hammer and tongs. They have absolutely no thoughts about going out, considering it the best way to remain safe, though they are reckoning without Mediawatch UK, who are even now watching with intense interest, hoping they can catch a quick glimpse of something unmentionable so they can rewind it on their Sky Plus and watch it a hundred times before sending off a letter of complaint.

Locking the door behind him, Roy tells Hayley he is just off to the viaduct to do a bit of tram spotting. “They have a new tram running tonight and I want to get its number.” He tells her. “I’ll come with you,” replies Hayley, “I fancy an evening out at the viaduct.”

It is time for the adverts.

To be continued….

[parkerman]

With the adverts over, we are now in the cab office. Steve and Lloyd are playing around. The phone rings. Lloyd answers, “Yes, OK….why there?....oh, no, no problem. In about 5 minutes then.” “Who was that?” asks Steve. “It was Fiz. Her, John Stape and Chesney want to get a cab to go into town, but they want picking up under the viaduct for some reason. I said I’d be there in five minutes. I might go and get Cheryl and go into town with them.” With that he walks out the door.
At the shop, Rita and the others are still clearing up when Emily and Mary walk in. “We thought we’d help you tidy up,” says Emily. Over at Dev’s, Sophie slips out the back way. She tells Sunita she has arranged to meet Sian just behind the viaduct. Sunita says she doesn’t want to know.

Over at the Windasses, Eddie shows Anna and Gary (who is home on leave) his latest cake. “I thought I’d take this along to The Joinery,” he says, “They might give us a free drink.”

Similar scenes are carried out all over Coronation Street as the various characters make their plans for the night. For some reason they all seem to centre either on the Viaduct, Dev’s shop, the Kabin or The Joinery. By 8:00 the whole cast is assembled in this small area, including Jim McDonald, who only arrived back in Weatherfield the previous night, so he did.

As everyone crowds into this small area, they hear the rumbling sound of a tram approaching, but it is no ordinary rumble. “That tram is going faster than normal,” says Roy. Everyone looks up, but it is Jack who sees her first. “What’s my Vera doing driving that tram?” he gasps. Suddenly there is the sound of screeching brakes and the crash of falling masonry. “The bridge is collapsing,” shouts Jim. But before he can say, “so it is,” the whole edifice comes crashing down bringing the tram with it. Dev’s shop, the Kabin and The Joinery are all flattened. The ground is strewn with rubble and carriages. Everyone is buried underneath with not a sign of movement anywhere.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, Archie Shuttleworth lumbers up the street rubbing his hands with glee. “What a night,” he says, “what a night!”

And roll credits….

[parkerman]

Oh well, I think I'll give up this mystic Meg lark!!!

[Chris_2k11]

Oh well, I think I'll give up this mystic Meg lark!!!

Nooooooo!! This is thread of the year!!

[alan45]

Sorry mate I nust start adding a bit to it to keep it going

[parkerman]

Nooooooo!! This is thread of the year!!

Thank you, Chris. I didn't really mean I wanted to stop doing it.I just meant comparing my tram crash episode to the real things was completely wrong!

[parkerman]

All purpose Eastenders Christmas Special

As the snow gently fell on Albert Square, all the residents were making last minute preparations for their Christmas dinner. In spite of their experiences over the last 25 years, each of them was hoping for a trouble free day with no explosive revelations that would rock the Square. It was too much to hope for.

Over at the Beales, Ian had decided to catch a turkey himself as it would be cheaper than buying one, so a couple of days earlier he had gone up to Norfolk and camped outside the late Bernard Matthews’ farm in the hope that one of his turkeys might escape. Sure enough he was rewarded when a gaggle (or is that geese?) broke loose from a small hole in the fence and Ian had dived on one, put it in a bag and brought it back home.

Sadly for Ian, Bobby saw it and decided to adopt it, so now, not only did Ian have to go out and buy a turkey after all, but he also had an extra mouth to feed. However, he managed to save money on the vegetables by going up to the allotments and going through the waste that people had thrown out, managing to find just enough for the Beales’ Christmas dinner.

Christian and Syed were the first guests to arrive. In fact they were the only guests to arrive. Lucy was still at her grandmas while Peter just refused to come down from his room. As Bobby had decided to stay outside in the garden with the turkey there was just Ian and Jane, Christian and Syed for Christmas dinner.

It all started well until Christian mentioned Glenda. “I know,” he said, looking at Ian. Ian blanched. “What do you know?” he asked. “I just know,” replied Christian. “It was a one-off,” pleaded Ian, “Jane, I wouldn’t hurt you. I slept with her once, that’s all.” “Oh, I didn’t know that,” said Christian, “I meant I knew that Glenda was getting better after her fall down the stairs.” Ian looked aghast. Jane picked up the turkey and brought it down over Ian’s head, the stuffing flying everywhere.

Over at the Brannings, all sorts of people had assembled for dinner, including Max, Vanessa, Tanya, Greg, Abbie, Lauren, Jack, Ronnie, Dot and Jim. All was going well until suddenly Lauren took out her mobile phone. “Oh no, not again,” sighed Max, “How many Christmases running can we keep up these recorded revelations from Lauren?” “But it wouldn’t be Christmas in Albert Square without them would it?” said Dot, who had seen a few Christmases in Albert Square, “It’s tradition.”

Come back for the second part of the Eastenders Christmas Special when we visit the Mitchells, the Butchers and the Moons Christmas Dinners….

[alan45]

Meanwhile on what was left of Coronation Street all was quiet all was calm as the battered residents of Britains most popular Street prepared for Christmas. For poor Tyrone Dobbs this would be a sad Christmas without his two timing slapper of a wife. Who would pull his cracker this year. As greasy lover Kev 'The Stud' Webster woke up cold and lonely underneath the arches dreaming his dreams away he pondered on the year he had just had. Sure the sex with young Molly was good but nowhere near as good as the experienced Natalie Barnes-Wallis. his thoughts drifted accross the road to where his innocent young wife Sally Sally pride of our Alley was preparing a huge Christmas lunch for her and her GURLS. The sweet little lesbian and the equally demure Rawsie. Who would fill the empty place at the dinner table this year. Would she have pity on philandering hubby Kev or would she really annoy him and invite Ty and Jack over for some stuffing and show him her Christmas Stockings.

............ To be continued

[parkerman]

Over at the Butchers, Bianca had just put the turkey nuggets under the grill. “Dinner’ll be ready soon, kids” she shouted. “Ricky, did you get those crisps I asked you to get? We’re ‘avin’ turkey nuggets and crisps for dinner.” “Oh, sorry, Bianca, I forgot,” replied Ricky. “Honestly Ricky, I ask you to do one thing. You are a pillock. Nah wot are we gonna do for Christmas dinner? I can’t just serve up turkey nuggets for Christmas dinner, that would be silly. We’ve gotta ‘ave some crisps.” “I’ll nip over the Rovers and get some,” Said Ricky, hurriedly making for the door.

Meanwhile, in the living room Connor was sitting on the sofa between Whitney and Carol. “Fanks for my present, Connor,” said Whitney taking out a large imitation gold necklace from its box. “’Ere, ‘old on a minute,” interjected Carol, “that’s exactly what Connor gave me.” But any further discussion on the subject was interrupted by Janine bursting into the room with a sub-machine gun. “Look what Pat’s given me for Christmas,” she trilled. “Yeh,” put in Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above, “I gave it to ‘er so’s she can go out and kill Ryan. In spite of what others fink, I’ve always loved Janine and always done right by ‘er…well, apart from the time I gave false evidence to the police to try and get her locked away for murder. But that was nothing serious really. She’s my little girl and I’ll always look after ‘er. I ‘ope you enjoy your present, Janine.” “Oh, I will, don’t worry about that, Pat. Now where will I find that scumbag, Ryan?”

The Moons were also settling down for their Christmas dinner. “Just sit down, Kat, I’ve got it all under control,” said Alfie, ushering his pregnant wife into the living room above the Queen Vic. A few moments later he was back. “Oh, Kat,” he gasped, “it’s all ruined. The turkey’s overcooked, the brussels are rock hard, I forgot to put the potatoes in and the stuffing’s stuffed.” “I hate you Alfie Moon. One simple thing and you can’t even get that right. I’m off to Belinda’s for Christmas and don’t try and follow me. We’re through. You got that, Alfie?” “If you say so,” said Alfie, “but before you go just come downstairs to the bar.” “What for?” said Kat. “Just do it,” replied Alfie.

As they entered the bar downstairs, a wondrous sight met Kat’s eyes. All in the space of one morning, Alfie had done the bar up like a Winter Wonderland. There was fake snow all over the floor and bar; there was a giant (fake) reindeer standing in the corner, an enormous Christmas tree decorated with golden (fake, of course) baubles and, best of all, there was a magnificent Christmas meal laid out on the table, fit for a queen – the queen of Alfie’s heart. “Oh, Alfie, I love you!”

At Phil’s new house, Shirley, Heather, Ben, Billy, Julie, Jay, Roxy, Glenda and Phil himself sat down to lunch. “Is it time to pull the crackers?” asked Ben. “Can I pull your cracker, Phil?” said Glenda. “What do you mean by that?” put in Shirley, with an evil stare. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time, would it, Phil?” “Get out, you evil old witch,” shouted Phil. “That’s not what you usually say.” “Mum,” said Roxy, hurriedly, “just forget it and eat your parsnips.” “No, I want ‘er out,” exclaimed Phil, looking threatening. “Phil, darling, shall I tell my daughter where you got the money from for this lovely Christmas dinner?” said Glenda, simperingly. “What do you mean, mum?” asked Roxy. “That’s enough!” shouted Phil.

Just at that moment the door burst open and in walked the Poison Dwarf. “You didn’t fink you could have a normal Christmas dinner with accusations, revelations of past misdeeds and fists flying without me, did you? Now then, eyes down for a full ‘ouse. All the twos….”

It was a quiet dinner over at Winston’s house. Just him and Tracey. They sat there and ate their nice dinner, neither of them saying a word until eventually Tracey said, “You know, Winston, this is why we never get much of a part. We don’t stab each other in the back or have affairs with married people or shout at each other or steal from each other or try and murder each other. I guess we’re just not normal Eastenders….”

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.