Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[alan45]

Aussie Humour - A Touching Tale



A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, New South Wales courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.


The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.


The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.


When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.


After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[CrazyLea]

I like that one
.....................

[alan45]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"


Eighty percent held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question.


All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.


"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.


"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.


"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"


"Ninety-eight." she replied.


"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.


The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

[willow]

very good i liked that one!!!!

[alan45]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the
pharmacist.



'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She
returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........

.....(Wait for it).....

































..
..
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

[Jojo]

OMG!!!!



That is the funniest thing I've heard in ages Alan!!!

[CrazyLea]

Lmao, that is pretty funny! Good one.

[alan45]

Technology Breakthrough



Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Chloe O'brien]

oohh Alan that's terrible you're getting worse.

[alan45]

oohh Alan that's terrible you're getting worse.

Too much time on my hands. Im going stir crazy at home