Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[alan45]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.



It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a
Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.



He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

[Abigail]

I've heard that before but it still makes me chuckle reading it.

[alan45]

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. Next day the farmer said, Sorry Paddy, the donkey died. Paddy replied, No problem, ill have my money back. The farmer said, ive spent it. Paddy said, Ok then, bring me the dead donkey. Farmer asked, What are you going to do with it? Paddy said, Im going to raffle him off. Farmer said, You cant raffle a dead donkey! Paddy said, Watch me.. I just wont tell anybody hes dead. A month later, the farmer met Paddy and asked, What happened to the dead donkey? Paddy said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £898.00. The farmer said, Didnt anyone complain? Paddy said, Just the guy that won, So I gave him his two pound back.

[alan45]

Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
An old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
Back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
The way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
And look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
The
mirror............................................ ..........................
................

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with.'

[alan45]

Paddy goes on a talent show claiming he can count as quick as lightning.The host of the show sits him down in front of a swarm of ants in a glass case."You have 30 seconds to count these ants," he says, "starting NOW.""3,138," says Paddy after one second."Wow! That's correct!" says the host. "How on earth did you do that?""Easy," says Paddy, "I counted the legs and divided by six."

[alan45]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left it."

[alan45]

2 men, 1 woman and the cultures of the world

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
shipwreck:

· 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
· 2 French men and 1 French woman
· 2 German men and 1 German woman
· 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
· 2 English men and 1 English woman
· 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
· 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
· 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
· 2 Aussie men and 1 Aussie woman
· 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

Then........one month later.......on these same absolutely stunning deserted
islands, in the middle of nowhere, things have turned out as
follows:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-Ã*-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, an off licence, a restaurant,
and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Aussie men are contemplating the virtues of suicide; because the
Aussie woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[alan45]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[alan45]

ENGLISH COW

*

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.


The town folk found they could buy a cow in England quite cheaply. They brought the cow from England . It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in England ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from England ..


"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from England ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :


"My wife is from England "

[alan45]

*

*

AIRLINE HOSTESS.....
*
A GUY IS SITTING IN THE BAR IN DEPARTURES AT A BUSY AIRPORT.


A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because

she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to

have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.


He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.

*

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.


He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

*

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.

*

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f... do you want?'


'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair."
*