Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[alan45]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I
want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name,
so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[alan45]

A skinhead was window shopping with his girlfriend when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, babe," he said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, she admired a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, honey," he said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Soon they passed a Mercedes dealership. "I'd do anything for one of those!" she said, pointing to a convertible. "Damn it, baby!" cried the skinhead, "do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

[alan45]

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair..... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[alan45]

Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."


The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.


The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My
hands are freezing cold."


The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body
will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."


The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.


The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."


The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"


Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"


The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?!"

[Chloe O'brien]

That is just plain filth. Got anymore

[alan45]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............




The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Abbie]

!!!!!!!!!

How dirty!

[Chloe O'brien]

He's disgraceful isn't he. Funny but disgraceful

[JustJodi]

No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're(Americans) nuts

Best lawyer/insurance story of the year, decade, and possibly the century.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
Now for the best part...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

[Abigail]

Pretty good story.