Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[Jojo]

I bet he was gutted!!!!! He should have known his Psalms!!!!

[di marco]

lol thats great, really funny!

[alan45]

At The Bar



Ted was drinking in a bar when the guy sitting beside him fell off his stool.


Ted helped him back up, but soon he fell off again.


"How about if I take you home, buddy?" asked Ted.


The drunk agreed.


On the way to the car, he fell twice more.


When Ted got him home, the poor man fell again just walking up the sidewalk.


Ted rang the bell and a woman answered the door.


Ted said, "Ma'am, your husband was too drunk to come home on his own, so I drove him."


She looked puzzled. "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Luna]

oh alan thats really bad - infact i have to say that has to be one of your worst

[alan45]

Tricks



A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.


When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.


After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.


"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"


"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."


"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

[alan45]

Blonde womans house catches fire. She rings 999 and calls for the Fire BRigade and screams down the phone '' Come quickly my house is on fire''

How do we get there Madam replies the Fire Controller

Blonde replies























IN THE BIG RED TRUCK YOU DUMMY

[alan45]

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.

She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.

The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........

"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

[alan45]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

[alan45]

A sex therapist was having lunch with a friend.


"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.



"Really?" asked her friend.


The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"


Her friend shook her head, "No."


The therapist replied, "I thought you wouldn't!"

[alan45]

A young guy from The West Country moves to London and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Dorset."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for??"

The kid says ''£101,237.65".

The boss says "£101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a New fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Shetland Fishing Boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Range Rover

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a Range Rover?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Hey man, your weekend's ruined, you should go fishing.''