Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[alan45]

Paddy was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty quid," she whispers.


Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty quid, he can't afford to miss out.


So they go into the bushes.


They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.


"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.


"I'm making love to me wife,Mary," Paddy answers indignantly.


"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."


"Well," says Ole, "I din't neider, 'til you shine dat light in her face."

[alan45]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.


In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.


"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact t that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.


"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'


"Now what the hell would you say?!"

[alan45]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full, so they had to
put him in an Irish home.

After his first few weeks in the Irish facility, his family came to visit
him. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here; he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here; he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a Doctor here; he's 90 years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years, and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'

"And there's me; I'm 92 years old. I haven't had sex for 20 years, and
they still call me'The *********g Mexican.'

[alan45]

I just had to share this with you all

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html

[Chloe O'brien]

Alan you are one disturbed man

[JustJodi]

Oh my hes done me proud!!!! My coruption program is now complete, he is a totally disturbed individual muwahahahahaha
wiping eyes,,,,,,, oh Alan you have made me sooo proud

[alan45]

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.





The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.

[alan45]

A husband shopped at La Senza for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from £50 to £500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier!


Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.


She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. "This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don't put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the £500 for myself."


So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.


Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, "Dammit! For £500, shouldn't they at least iron it?!"

[Abigail]

Alan, I need a few laughs. Have you got any more jokes to post?

[alan45]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.


He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.


And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.


He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favoUrite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.


Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"


"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.


Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"


His son replied, "Oh, THAT!... MUm dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"



Broken Coffee Table £239.99


Hot Breakfast £4.20


Two Aspirins £1.38


Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!