Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[alan45]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a lolipop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being clamped in the car park", he shouted.


A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later,"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.


"Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board...."


A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"


Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"


"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop, too."

[Chloe O'brien]

See that's the kind of child I have

[alan45]

See that's the kind of child I have

Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon

[Chloe O'brien]

See that's the kind of child I have

Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon

Cheeky bugger Sunday afternoon is my time to have a hot date with and iron.

[alan45]

See that's the kind of child I have

Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon

Cheeky bugger Sunday afternoon is my time to have a hot date with and iron.

So no lollipop for the wee bairn Bad mummy

[alan45]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.


They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"


The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!"


The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too!"


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."



(Oh this is GOOD!)



Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches."

[alan45]

Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other wheres the soap, the other nun replied

Spoiler:

Yes it does dosent it

[alan45]

A couple are lying in bed when the man, feeling frisky, reaches over and gently cupped his wife's breast.


She gave a soft moan, but soon pushed him away.


"Honey? What's wrong?" he asked.


She rolled over to face the wall and said, "You just double-clicked my nipple!"

[alan45]

A man's wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear".


Worried he'd make the wrong choice, he asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?"


She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"

[alan45]

An old farmer in Nebraska had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."