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Thread: Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

  1. #1
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    Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

    1. Sex Drive



    A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."


    "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"


    "You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"



    2. The Nurse



    A nurse walks into a bank preparing to sign a cheque. When she gets to the counter, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.


    She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake she says, "Well that's great ... just great ... Some asshole's got my pen."
    Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe

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    hahaha good one alan
    Happy New Year SoapBoards!

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    oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again

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    "Some ass hole got my pen just the laugh I need to brighten up a Monday

    Thanks to Vicky for my great new banner xxx
    "Maddest Member again How come I've been taking my meds"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luna View Post
    oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again
    Oh I have a lot worse than tha believe me
    Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe

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    Quote Originally Posted by alan45 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Luna View Post
    oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again
    Oh I have a lot worse than tha believe me
    I know you're dying to post you're Jade Goody jokes


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    Quote Originally Posted by Tony Montana View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by alan45 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Luna View Post
    oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again
    Oh I have a lot worse than tha believe me
    I know you're dying to post you're Jade Goody jokes
    She posted them all herself in that interview in the News of the World yesterday
    Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe

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    Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

    Out Fishing



    George and his dad were out fishing one day when George pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked his dad for a light.


    "Sure," said his dad. "I think I have a lighter." Then, reaching into his tackle box he pulled out a Bic lighter 10-inches long.


    "Jimminy Cricket!" exclaimed George, taking the huge Big lighter in his hands. "Where did you get that monster?" he asked.


    "Well," replied his dad, "I got it from my Genie."


    "You have a Genie in your tackel box?" asked George.


    "Yep, it's right here in my tackle box," said his dad.


    "Could I see him?" asked George.


    So his dad opened his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.


    Addressing the Genie, George says, "I'm the son of your master, will you grant me one wish?"


    "Yes, I will," says the Genie.


    So George asks for a million bucks.


    The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving George sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.


    Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.


    Over the roar of the million ducks George yells to his dad, "Jumpin' Jimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"


    "I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing," yells back George's dad. "You don't think I really asked for a 10-inch Bic, do you?"
    Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe

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    Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honour of the season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates. "Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"

    Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    "What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.

    The man replied, "They're Carol's"


    ***********************************

    Postman Joke

    It was George the Postmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, bacon, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said: "Screw him. Give him a fiver."

    The breakfast was my idea..."
    Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe

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    Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

    A priest offered a lift to a Nun.


    She got into his car and crossed her legs, causing her habit to reveal a bit of leg.


    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.


    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"


    The priest removed his hand, but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.


    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"


    The priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."


    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.


    On his arrival at the rectory, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."





    Moral of this story If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
    Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe

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