Jokes

[Perdita]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well
that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later,
the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist,
how did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

[StarsOfCCTV]

A Cat's Diary

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

[StarsOfCCTV]

Being the owners of two phsyco cats, the cat joke had me crying with laughter!!

Omg same Love the Cat joke
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Eve and adam
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"

[Chloe O'brien]

What do you do when you see a blonde female running towards you with a pin in her hand?

Answer: Run as fast as you can as she will have a hand granade in her mouth

[Lizzie Brookes]

Here are some jokes:

1. Three deaf men traveled by train together. The train stopped at a station.

The first man said "This is Wembly".

"The second man responded "No, its Thursday"

The third replied "Me too, let's go for a drink".

2. A man dying of thirst in the Sahara desert came crawling along until he saw a tie salesman sat at a table selling ties.

He begged the tie salesman for water to quench his thirst.The tie salesman responded "I know what you'd like. Have a tie".

The man said "are you mad? I'm dying of thirst here".

The tie salesman replied "Since I am a good guy I shall give you irections to a restraunt where they will give you water to drink" and did so.

Three quarters of an hour later the thirsty man crawled back.

"What's wrong?" the tie salesman asked. Didn't you find the restraunt"

"Oh I found it all right but they wouldn't let me in without a tie".

3. The psychiatrist cured my alcoholism. He charged so much I couldn't afford the liquor.

[Perdita]

First Christmas Joke of the Season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

[TaintedLove]

:lol love it

[TaintedLove]

A Swedish au pair went to her employer and asked for some time off from her work. When the employer asked her why, Ingrid said that her boyfriend was in the Navy and was wanting some time off to visit him at the Navy base.
The employer smiled and said 'aww isn`t that romantic - how long is your boyfriends furlough'? And Ingrid replied..."the same length as your husbands but a little bit thicker.

[StarsOfCCTV]

Lucky 13, that’s just how many shocking comments this physician claimed his patients actually made while he was performing their colonoscopies. Enjoy! (Not referring to a colonoscopy that is…)

1. “Take it easy Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know in Arkansas we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron didn’t you?”
12. “God, Now I know why I am not gay.”
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.”

[Abigail]

[*]“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.”[/LIST]

Thats funny