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Thread: Jokes

  1. #51
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    Jokes

    Being the owners of two phsyco cats, the cat joke had me crying with laughter!!

  2. #52
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    Talking Computer Problem

    This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

    Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    CS: "What sort of trouble?"

    C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    CS: "Went away?"

    C: "They disappeared."

    CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    C: "Nothing."

    CS: "Nothing?"

    C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    C: "How do I tell?"

    CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

    CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    C: "What's a monitor?"

    CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    C: "I don't know."

    CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    C: "Yes, I think so."

    CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    C: ".......Yes, it is."

    CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    C: "No."

    CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    C: ".......Okay, here it is."

    CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    C: "No."

    CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

    CS: "Dark?"

    C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

    CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

    C: "I can't."

    CS: "No? Why not?"

    C: "Because there's a power outage."

    CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

    CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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  4. #53
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    Smile Polish Divorce

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

    The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    L: Have you any grounds?

    P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

    L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

    P: It made of concrete.

    L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

    P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

    L: I mean. What are your relations like?

    P: All my relations still in Poland

    L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

    P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

    L: Does your wife beat you up?

    P: No, I always up before her.

    L: Why do you want this divorce?

    P: She going to kill me.

    L: What makes you think that?

    P: I got proof.

    L: What kind of proof?

    P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'



  5. #54
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    Wrong e-mail address

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My loving wife

    Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


  6. #55
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    why parents have gray hair

    Just a reminder........

    Why Parents Have Gray Hair

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

    Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

    I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

    Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your son, Chad

    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

    I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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    .:SpIcYsPy:. (07-07-2007), Luna (09-07-2007)

  8. #56
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    LMAO!!! These sure are some brilliant jokes! Loving them all thank-you Londoner!

  9. #57
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    Hilarious! Thanks for brightening up my day

  10. #58
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    A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

    He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

    "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

    The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

    "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

    The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

    The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
    chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

    Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
    time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

    "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

    "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
    can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

    Nahh" said the bloke,

    "I'm just a really bad conductor"



  11. #59
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    Oh my word these are getting worse

    Thanks to Vicky for my great new banner xxx
    "Maddest Member again How come I've been taking my meds"

  12. #60
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    Yeah sorry about that, i know they are getting worse, will find some better ones and post them soon.

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