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Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
    Jojo is offline **Debs Official Stalker**
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    Too hot??


  2. #42
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    ham bush, ham bush I can't believe I fell for that one

    Thanks to Vicky for my great new banner xxx
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  3. #43
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    I have a long joke about a rabbit, lion, griaffe and elephant. It has four references to drugs, just the names, not anything major. Can I post it? Just wanted to check before I do it.

  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by jelly belly View Post
    I have a long joke about a rabbit, lion, griaffe and elephant. It has four references to drugs, just the names, not anything major. Can I post it? Just wanted to check before I do it.

    should be ok think ive hear it before post it and if is not appropriate i'll move it to the mile high

  5. #45
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    A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
    stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at
    her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with
    me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
    better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses
    it and goes off running with the rabbit.

    Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
    again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
    Think about your health. Come running with us through the
    pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

    The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
    and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
    and giraffe.

    The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
    "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
    Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so
    good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
    to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.

    As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
    and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely
    trying to help us all!"

    The lion answers, "That little ****** makes me run around
    the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
    Last edited by Abigail; 02-04-2007 at 21:24.

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  7. #46
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    Talking How to Give a Cat a Pill

    Just gotta say, loved the ham-bush joke, JoJo!

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL



    a. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    b. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    c. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
    d. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
    e. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
    f. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
    g. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later
    h. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with a pencil and blow down straw.
    i. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply a Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
    j. Retrieve the cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with a dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.
    k. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch another one from bedroom.
    l. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the *********g cat from a tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
    m. Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind lightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.
    n. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    o. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.





    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

    a. Wrap it in bacon.

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    I'm not sure I completely agree with the dog part, though. Usually it works but sometimes my dog manages to very niftily unwrap it with his tongue, spit the pill out, and swallow the bacon (usually without chewing, so most of the time he has a choking fit afterwards, meaning we have to sit there patting him on the back like we're burping a baby), in about 2 seconds.

    Apart from that, it's very simple..

    Sorry about the swearwords.
    Last edited by laurouski; 03-04-2007 at 18:24.

  8. #47
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    oh my word. We used to have a dog and he was on tablets, we were told by the vet to either hide the pill in his dog food,so we tried it but he just eat the dog food in his bowl and left the tablet. So we tried to prize open his mouth throw the tablet in and hold his mouth closed for a couple of minutes hoping that he would have swalloed the dam thing. Once you let go of his mouth he used to spit the pill back out.

    Thanks to Vicky for my great new banner xxx
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  9. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien View Post
    oh my word. We used to have a dog and he was on tablets, we were told by the vet to either hide the pill in his dog food,so we tried it but he just eat the dog food in his bowl and left the tablet. So we tried to prize open his mouth throw the tablet in and hold his mouth closed for a couple of minutes hoping that he would have swalloed the dam thing. Once you let go of his mouth he used to spit the pill back out.
    LOL. I had to try the exact same thing with my dog! He just pushed it out of the sides of his mouth with his tongue, so we had to cover every little bit to make sure there were no weak spots, tip his head up, and rub his throat to make it go down! He used to try and escape so I had to restrain him with one hand while making sure that he couldn't spit the pill out with the other.
    He also did the same thing - and left the pill in the bottom of his food bowl.

    Now, we've discovered that the most effective way is to roll it in gravy. The stupid dog REFUSED to swallow it when it was wrapped up in a nice bit of meat, but all you had to do was roll it in a little bit of gravy and he swallowed it down straight away, like it was a biscuit or something!

    Also, I was reading 'Marley and Me' by John Grogan, the other day and he wrote that the best way to get Marley to swallow a pill was to throw it on the floor and pretend he wasn't suppose to eat it, lol.

    But that's enough about dogs..

    ------------------------------------------------

    In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
    University.

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
    standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
    distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
    large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
    could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
    the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

    The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
    on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood
    frozen thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
    Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
    his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
    creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
    Tapu were standing.

    The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
    the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
    trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
    this was the same elephant.

    Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
    way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
    back in wonder.

    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
    Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him
    instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.
    Last edited by laurouski; 07-04-2007 at 19:02.

  10. #49
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    I think you may have been right there about it not being the same elephant

    Thanks to Vicky for my great new banner xxx
    "Maddest Member again How come I've been taking my meds"

  11. #50
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    A man walks into a bar with his dog and tells the bartender his dog is an ironmonger. "Prove it" says the bartender. So the man sticks a red hot poker up the dog's a**e and it makes a bolt for the door.

    What's yellow and smells of banana?
    Monkey puke.
    Carpe Diem ~ seize the day!

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