Page 4 of 39 FirstFirst ... 2345614 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 386

Thread: Jokes

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Blackpool
    Posts
    731
    Thanked: 67
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    *sings* Go twinkle go twinkle go twinkle

    These are great

  2. #32
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    whats it called??????????
    Posts
    8,812
    Thanked: 153

    Talking Joke Thread

    > One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
    > Sexy
    >
    > nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
    >
    > So he tied her up and went golfing.
    >
    > **************************************************
    >
    > A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
    >
    > house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
    >
    > pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
    >
    > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
    >
    >
    > stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
    >
    > **************************************************
    > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
    >
    > other is a husband.
    >
    > **************************************************
    >
    > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
    > First,
    >
    > of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
    > card
    >
    > with the letters:
    >
    > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
    >
    > "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
    >
    > "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
    >
    > **************************************************
    > Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
    > tell
    >
    > you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
    >
    > "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
    > chardonnay."
    >
    > **************************************************
    > A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    >
    > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
    >
    > "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    >
    > You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
    >
    > THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
    >
    > we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
    >
    > Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
    >
    > to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
    >
    > Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
    >
    > You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
    >
    > USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
    >
    > The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
    >
    > You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
    >
    > The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
    >
    > what it feels like when I'm driving."
    >
    > *************************************************
    > Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
    >
    > drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
    > him a comb.
    >
    > That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
    >
    > On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
    >
    > That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
    >
    > On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
    >
    > The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
    >

  3. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Luna For This Useful Post:

    alan45 (05-02-2007), Cheesytoots (08-10-2009), Hollie-x (16-04-2008), janet53 (07-07-2007), Kim (23-06-2008)

  4. #33
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Cheshire
    Posts
    1,061
    Thanked: 97
    Lol, the one about the eggs is the best!!!!!

    Thanks To Vicky For My Fab Banner!!!

  5. #34
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    In my brand new house
    Posts
    16,252
    Thanked: 581
    lol theyre funny, especially the last one!
    ~x~Tizzy~x~
    A fool and his money are a girl's best friend


    thanks to vicky for making the banna!

  6. #35
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    321
    Thanked: 3
    LOL, I got exactly the same selection of jokes in an e-mail the other day!

    I don't know if any of you have heard this on - it has been going round for a while - but it made me laugh:

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
    "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
    MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them...


  7. The Following User Says Thank You to laurouski For This Useful Post:

    willow (06-03-2007)

  8. #36
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Grossmaischeid, Germany
    Posts
    14,583
    Thanked: 2007
    2 old couples having dinner, after dinner the women go to the kitchen to do the dishes while the men talk over brandy and cigars
    1st old man: nice meal I thought
    2nd old man: yeah, we went out to dinner the other night to a lovely resturant, the food was fabulous
    1st old man: so where was this resturant
    2nd old man: what do you call that flower, you know.. red petal.. thorns.. given for love...
    1st old man: Rose?
    2nd old man: yeah that it! (calls to kitchen) ROSE!!! what was the name of that resturant we went to the other night?

    Super Mod

  9. #37
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    321
    Thanked: 3

    Smile How to Make a Woman Happy

    How to Make a Woman Happy

    It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynaecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined!
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes







    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

    1. Show up naked
    2. Bring food

  10. #38
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Dublin
    Posts
    30
    Thanked: 1

    Hahahahahaha

    Haha love that one Non! its sooo true...I have a few jokes myself but they are too rude and stuff.... good ones though!

  11. #39
    Jojo is offline **Debs Official Stalker**
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    South West England
    Posts
    10,400
    Thanked: 420

    The Bacon Tree

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

    "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

    "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

    And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    "Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

    "Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

    "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...




    Ees









    Ees









    Ees










    Ees










    Eees a Ham Bush.

  12. #40
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    South East London
    Posts
    130
    Thanked: 6

    Talking

    An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love Dad


    A few days later he received a letter from his son.


    Dear Dad,

    Please don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

    Love Vinnie


    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



    Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. I knew the feds would read my mail!

    Love Vinnie

  13. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Londoner For This Useful Post:

    .:SpIcYsPy:. (13-03-2007), snapper (29-03-2007), willow (29-03-2007)

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 3 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 3 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •