HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*sings* Go twinkle go twinkle go twinkle
These are great
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*sings* Go twinkle go twinkle go twinkle
These are great
> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
> Sexy
>
> nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
>
> house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>
> pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
>
>
> stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>
> **************************************************
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>
> other is a husband.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First,
>
> of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
> card
>
> with the letters:
>
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> **************************************************
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
> tell
>
> you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
> chardonnay."
>
> **************************************************
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>
> we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>
> Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>
> to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>
> Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
>
> You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>
> USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>
> You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
> The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>
> what it feels like when I'm driving."
>
> *************************************************
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
>
> drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
> him a comb.
>
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
>
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
>
alan45 (05-02-2007), Cheesytoots (08-10-2009), Hollie-x (16-04-2008), janet53 (07-07-2007), Kim (23-06-2008)
Lol, the one about the eggs is the best!!!!!
Thanks To Vicky For My Fab Banner!!!
lol theyre funny, especially the last one!
~x~Tizzy~x~
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend
thanks to vicky for making the banna!
LOL, I got exactly the same selection of jokes in an e-mail the other day!
I don't know if any of you have heard this on - it has been going round for a while - but it made me laugh:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them...
willow (06-03-2007)
2 old couples having dinner, after dinner the women go to the kitchen to do the dishes while the men talk over brandy and cigars
1st old man: nice meal I thought
2nd old man: yeah, we went out to dinner the other night to a lovely resturant, the food was fabulous
1st old man: so where was this resturant
2nd old man: what do you call that flower, you know.. red petal.. thorns.. given for love...
1st old man: Rose?
2nd old man: yeah that it! (calls to kitchen) ROSE!!! what was the name of that resturant we went to the other night?
Super Mod
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Haha love that one Non! its sooo true...I have a few jokes myself but they are too rude and stuff.... good ones though!
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Please don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. I knew the feds would read my mail!
Love Vinnie
.:SpIcYsPy:. (13-03-2007), snapper (29-03-2007), willow (29-03-2007)
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