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Thread: Jokes

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by ***sharon rule*******
    here a good joke:

    What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
    edward.
    What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
    edward edward.
    What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
    edward edward edward
    What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
    i dont know but edward wood wood wood know.

    i heard that from my science teacher last year i found it funny the first time when i heard it.did you like it?
    I dont get it..

  2. #22
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    if i tell you this you're not to tell anyone,your the only one i've told so far cos your a good friend, but guess who's due in three months..............



    ................ ****ing santa

  3. #23
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    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you

  4. #24
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    1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

    3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

    4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

    5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

    6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

    7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

    12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

    13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

    14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

    15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

  5. #25
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    you know you are living in 2005 when......
    1) you accidently enter your password on the microwave
    2)you have'nt played solitare with real cards in years
    3)you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
    4)you e-mail the person at the next desk to you
    5)you reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is cos they dont have e-mail
    6)you pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile to phone to see if there is anyone home to help you carry the shopping in
    7)every commercial on tv has a website
    8)leaving your house without your mobile,which you did'nt have the first 20 or 30 (or60) years of your life, is now a cause of panic and you turn around to go and get it 10) you get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee
    11)you start tilting your head sideways to smile
    12) your reading this and nodding and laughing
    13)even worse,you already know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message
    14) you are to busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
    15)you actually scrolled back to check there was not a #9 on this list AND now your laughing at yourself!!!!!!!!!

  6. #26
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    1 You can GET chocolate. 2 "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3 Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4 You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5 You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6 You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7 If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8 Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9 The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10 You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11 You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12 You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13 With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14 Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15 You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16 Good chocolate is easy to find. 17 You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18 You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19 When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20 With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

  7. #27
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    10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."

    9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.

    8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Bitch" section is.

    7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.

    6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.

    5. She brings a date to couples counseling.

    4. You just married Liza Minnelli.

    3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.

    2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.

    1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."

  8. #28
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    Birds and Bees

    EDIT: Please don't post adult jokes in the Fun & Games Forum.
    Last edited by Behemoth; 09-10-2005 at 19:47.

  9. #29
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    What's six inches long and gets women excited?

    A £50 NOTE!

  10. #30
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    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

    Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

    He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

    "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

    Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

    "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

    "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

    "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"


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