Jokes

[Chloe O'brien]

Don't know if anyone seen "Still Game" on Monday night. It's a scottish comedy show about two old men who live in a Glasgow tower block. Monday nights episode was about the old codgers trying to fiddle the electricity meters in their neighbourhood. Any way they went into the local pub and the barman said to Victor one of the guys"hey Victor, you're putting on the beef you fat b*****d" Victor responded by saying "Aye it's your wife's fault, everytime I sh*g her she makes me a sandwich. Sorry rude I know but I rolled with laugher.

[Perdita]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one... I like to watch my money grow.

Two... once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three... I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly... instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."




LARRY IS RECOVERING NICELY IN HOSPITAL.

[Siobhan]

Some "Irish" jokes.. (some mildly offensive so I apologise to Irish people here)

1) A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


2) Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

3) Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


4) Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"


Well they made me giggle

[moonstorm]

And me!

[Chris_2k11]

3) Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

haha ive heard this one before, classic!

[megan999]

Q. What do you get if you cross a Pit Bull with a Saint Bernard?
A. A dog that will rip your leg off and then go for help.

[megan999]

What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?

Stop going around in circles and get to the point.

[Siobhan]

What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?

Stop going around in circles and get to the point.

Seriously Megan.. have you been at the christmas crackers again

[megan999]

Seriously Megan.. have you been at the christmas crackers again

I love xmas cracker jokes, I have that sense of humour, like the jokes you get on Penguins, LOL

[Siobhan]

I love xmas cracker jokes, I have that sense of humour, like the jokes you get on Penguins, LOL

I was thinking when I first read it.. what jokes on Penguins and then realised you were talking about the snacks not the animals