Jokes

[Chloe O'brien]

Shiv your getting sick like Alan

[moonstorm]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.





The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

'Go get your Mother.'

[moonstorm]

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked
to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."

Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!

[moonstorm]

One for the ladies------



When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

[Abigail]

That made me chuckle. Oh what it would be to be a man and be in and out in a flash.

[Perdita]

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked
to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."

Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!

This made me laugh out loud

[megan999]

Police arrested 2 kids.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
The police charged one and let the other one off

[Perdita]

[parkerman]

Not a joke but it's very funny...: Put from China to Taiwan in Google maps & look at direction 55.

[alan45]

Not a joke but it's very funny...: Put from China to Taiwan in Google maps & look at direction 55.

Put Japan to China in and look at direction 43