Jokes

[Perdita]

A robust-looking gentleman ate a large meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some fine wine, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a wonderful meal here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a beggar?"

"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

[Siobhan]

read this this morning in a newspaper.. made me giggle

Myself and my wife have been married now for 7 years. She was feeling glum about her birthday so I asked her what she wanted. She said she would love something that went from 0-100 in 4 seconds... I bought her a bathroom scales

[Siobhan]

This story appeared in a newspaper but it is a big hoax and never happened but I have been laughing for past 20 mins:

Freak accident
A circus dwarf, nicknamed Od, died recently in the North when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus which was waiting to appear in the next act. Vets on the scene said Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex which automatically caused her to swallow. They added in mitigation that the hefty creature was a vegetarian who had not previously digested a circus performer. Unfortunately, the 1000 plus spectators continued to applaud wildly until common sense dictated there had been a tragic mistake. Police said the trampoline has been sent for forensic analysis.

[Perdita]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

[moonstorm]

The Sensitive Man



A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment




She notices that one wall of his bedroom iscompletely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.


She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:





'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Perdita]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr obwyllllantysiliogogoch

They stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, *
*
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us."

"Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
*
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ? gurrr ? king."

[Perdita]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.*

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,*** * 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE*-*YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look* at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,*

'NO, I'VE* COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE*SAME* DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[Perdita]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the hell are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[Perdita]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

[Siobhan]

This made me Giggle:

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'