Jokes

[moonstorm]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

[Perdita]

While a man was tapping away on his home computer, his ten- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sister asked with curiosity.

Proudly she replied, "Star, star, star, star, star, star!"

[Siobhan]

Made me laugh

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when
totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos

(MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Perdita]

love it

[Perdita]

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. `Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?` `Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death.` `Oh, really? How`s that?` `There`s a naked woman waiting for me at home.` `I don`t see how that is a matter of life or death.` `If I don`t get home before my wife does, I`m a dead man.`

[Perdita]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, `I`ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we`re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.` `My dear,` the shrink said, `that`s completely natural. I don`t see what the problem is.` `The problem,` she complained, `is that it wakes me up.`

[Perdita]

Bit rude

Spoiler:

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. `Does anyone know what this is?` She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, `Sure, my daddy has two of them!` `Two of them?!` the teacher asked. `Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy`s teeth!`

[tammyy2j]

Tim Vine has been crowned king of the one-liners after one of his gags was named the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.

The wisecracking comic - who set a world record for his quickfire delivery in 2004 - beat acts including John Bishop to the award created by TV channel Dave.

Tim won for the gag: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

A panel of judges made up of leading comedy critics scoured dozens of venues at the world-famous Fringe festival for a fortnight to shortlist the best and worst jokes - then they went to a public vote.

They each sat through around 60 performances with up to 7,200 jokes per judge.

Tim - brother of BBC Radio 2 presenter Jeremy - was delighted with his accolade. He said: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a 'sweepsteak'."

The comedian - whose world record saw him get through 499 gags in one hour - is packing audiences in for his current show The Joke-Amotive at the Pleasance Courtyard.

Runner-up was David Gibson (as Ray Green) with: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

Emo Philips made up the top three with: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."

[Perdita]

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied... "the balcony."

[Dazzle]

Thanks for the laugh