Jokes

[Perdita]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, `What are these things daddy?` His dad said, `Condoms son.` The boy asked, `Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?` The dad replied, `The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March....`

[Perdita]

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says `You`re the biggest man I have ever seen`. The man nods his head, and replies `I`m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I`m Turner Brown.` The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, `I said I`m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.` The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. `For a minute there, I thought you said `Turn Around`.`

[Dazzle]

For a minute there, I thought you said `Turn Around`.`

Great punchline!

[Perdita]

Bit rude this one but ....

Spoiler:

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. `For Christ sake!` the bloke cried, `what the hell`s going on here? I`ve been here one hour and I`ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke`s arm wrestleing himself off in the bar!` `Fair dinkum, mate,` the bartender told him, `you can`t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep`

[Dazzle]

I love a rude joke!

[Perdita]

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, `May I buy you a drink?`. Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, `Okay, but it won`t do you any good.` A little later, he asks, `May I buy you another drink?` `Okay, but it still won`t do you any good.` He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, `Okay, but it won`t do you any good.` They get to his apartment and he says, `You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.` She says, `Oh, that`s different. Send her in.`

[Perdita]

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. `Did you get that for your birthday?` asked Little Johnny. `Nope.` replied Jimmy. `Well, did you get it for Christmas then?`. Again Jimmy says `Nope.` `You didn`t steal it, did you?` asks Little Johnny. `No,` said Jimmy. `I went into Mom and Dad`s bedroom the other night when they were `doing the nasty`. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy`s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents` bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. `What do you want now?` `I wanna watch,` Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, `Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.`

[Perdita]

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....
You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired…..

[Perdita]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

[Perdita]

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. `Maybe your other models let you kiss them,` she said, `but I`m not that kind!` `Actually, I`ve never tried to kiss a model before,` he protested. `Really?` she said, softening. `Well, how many models have there been?` `Four so far,` he replied, thinking back. `A jug, two apples and a vase.`