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Thread: Jokes

  1. #11
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    i loved the lovejuice one and the irish priest ones! Classsics!!
    Last edited by hayley; 03-10-2005 at 18:46.

  2. #12
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    Moved to 'Fun & Games Forum'

    Please try and keep all jokes in this forum

  3. #13
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    HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

    1. Open a new file in your PC.

    2. Name it "Housework."

    3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

    4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

    5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

    6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

    7. Feel better?



  4. #14
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    ROFLMAO...i tried that one and it made me feel soooooo much better

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rob
    Moved to 'Fun & Games Forum'

    Please try and keep all jokes in this forum
    Will do

  6. #16
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    Yep, it's great, works a treat! lol



  7. #17
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    Lol... More please !!

  8. #18
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    Blonde Cook Book:

    MONDAY:
    It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

    TUESDAY:
    Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

    WEDNESDAY:
    A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

    THURSDAY:
    Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

    FRIDAY:
    I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

    SATURDAY:
    Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

    SUNDAY:
    Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

    GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
    This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.



    A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
    "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

    "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

    Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."




    An elderly couple think they are becoming forgetful in their old age so they go to the doctors.
    The doctor checks them over and gives them the all clear.
    He tells them that its just their age and tells them a good idea is to write things down so they do not forget.

    A few days later the elderly couple are sitting at home in the evening when the wife says 'I think it would be nice to have some ice cream'.
    The husbands says "that would be nice, but you had better write it down".
    "No" she says, "Im only going into the kitchen, I'm not that forgetful".

    20 minutes later the wife comes back from the kitchen with a plate of scrambled eggs.
    "I told you to write it down" says the husband,
    "What have I done wrong?" says the wife,
    "You forgot the toast" says the husband.





    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
    Behind him is an enormous lorry full of car exhausts.
    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge lorry full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, saying: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
    Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
    "You sign! You sign!"
    Behind him are TWO very large lorries full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
    You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
    "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"





    On a flight to Chicago , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
    The flight attendant noticed his predicament.
    Sir, she said,' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

    He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

    Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

    When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
    When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

    Next thing he knew he was in a hospital. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
    'What happened?' he exclaimed.
    'You pushed one too many buttons,' replied the nurse.
    'The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

  9. #19
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    The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
    Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whisky received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
    Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."





    A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
    The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
    The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"






    At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
    "Si, that's the one."
    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.What did he die from?"
    "From eating rotten meat."
    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
    "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horse."
    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
    "The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
    "Are you insane? What water cart?"
    "The one we used to put out the fire."
    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
    "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
    "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
    "For the funeral."
    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
    "Your wife's... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
    SILENCE...................
    "Ernesto! If you broke that driver YOU'RE FIRED ! "






    A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
    The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
    The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
    Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."






    MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
    MAN: Yes.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
    MAN: He's at home.
    CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
    The next day, the man returns.
    MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
    MAN: Yes.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
    MAN: He's at home!
    CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
    The next day the man returns.
    CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
    MAN: Put your hand inside.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
    MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

  10. #20
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    here a good joke:

    What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
    edward.
    What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
    edward edward.
    What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
    edward edward edward
    What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
    i dont know but edward wood wood wood know.

    i heard that from my science teacher last year i found it funny the first time when i heard it.did you like it?
    danny moon please come back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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