Jokes

[Abigail]

If they're rude you can post them in the mile high forum when you reach 1000 posts.

[Perdita]

If they're rude you can post them in the mile high forum when you reach 1000 posts.

Uh. Uh **jumps up and down**, nearly there

[Abigail]

Posts in fun and games and banner/fan art don't count towards your post number.

[Perdita]

Posts in fun and games and banner/fan art don't count towards your post number.

I know, thank you but I am sure I can achieve another 8 posts or so by this weekend.

[StarsOfCCTV]

Some Words That Should Exist
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and re fold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa bib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

12. ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, when you're only six inches away.

[Perdita]

Some Words That Should Exist


18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. Done this

They are very believable expressions Very good!

[Abigail]

19. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it nose to it.

[Hollie-x]

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to
the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
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DOUBLE VODKA

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

[Perdita]

The Mum Test

The Mum Test: I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ' Why? ' my daughter asked. ' Because it ' s been on the ground, you don ' t know where it ' s been, it ' s dirty, and probably has germs. ' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ' Mum, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart? ' I was thinking quickly. ' All mums know this stuff. It ' s on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don ' t let you be a Mum. ' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ' OHHH. . . I get it! ' She beamed, ' So if you don ' t pass the test you have to be the dad. ' ' ' Exactly ' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[moonstorm]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller… He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.



So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says “$30,000”. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s all OK because he knows the branch manager.



Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.



Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this all about?”



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(Are you ready ???) …..

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…The bank manager looks back at her and says: “Obviously - It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.