Jokes

[Dazzle]

[tammyy2j]

What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash.

[lizann]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[moonstorm]

From my very un-pc lot at work:-

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.....


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says; "Can you please come over and help me! I have bought a huge jig-saw puzzle and I don't understand what to do". Her boyfriend asks; "What is the final result going to look like?"
The blonde says; "According to the picture on the box, it is going to be a rooster".
The boyfriend decides to go over to her place and help her out. She opens the door and shows him all the puzzle bits on the table. He looks at the puzzle parts for a short moment, then looks at the box. Then he says; "It doesn't matter what we do, we will never manage to place these bits together so that they will look like a rooster".
He takes her hand and says; "Let us get a cup of coffee and then....
He sighs.... "And then we will put the Corn Flakes' back into the box".


Breaking news… a man has been rushed to hospital when a sex game went horribly wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his ****… Doctors have described his condition as stable !



and The Prodigy have just released a new track guaranteed to reach the Catholic Top 10… “Smack my Bishop”

[Perdita]

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said `My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain`t even got electricity!` The second hillbilly said `My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain`t even got runnin water!` The third hillbilly said `My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain`t even got a penis !!!

[Perdita]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. `What the hell are you supposed to be?` asked the host. `A premature ejaculation,` said the man. `I just came in my pants!`

[Perdita]

This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some stuff up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. `S**t` he moaned. `this means I`ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!` `Of course you will,` one of the doctors soothed. It`ll just have to be someone else`s, that`s all.`

[Perdita]

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. `Don`t worry,` he assures her, `my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there`s no risk.` As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, `We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!` `No problem,` he replies, `I`ll get my wife`s diaphragm.` After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. `That witch!` he exclaims. `She took it with her! I always knew she didn`t trust me!`

[Perdita]

A wife says to her friend, `Our sex life stinks.` Her friend says, `Do you ever watch your husband`s face when you`re having sex?` She says, `Once, and I saw rage.` Her friend says, `Why would he be angry during sex?` The wife says, `Because he was looking through the window at us.`

[Dazzle]

That made me laugh out loud.