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Thread: Jokes

  1. #51
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    Pantherboy (05-05-2018)

  3. #52
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon
    and sat down to drink a beer.

    After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
    "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
    "I do....Why?"

    The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
    "I just thought you’d like to know
    that your horse is almost dead outside!"

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough
    Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

    The Lone Ranger got the horse water
    and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

    The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
    "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver
    and see if you can create enough of a breeze
    to make him start to feel better."

    Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"
    and took off running circles around Silver.

    Not able to do anything else but wait,
    the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

    A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
    "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
    The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
    "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

    Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

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    Perdita (09-06-2018)

  5. #53
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    During a recent medical, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

    "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

    Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

    "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really horrible golfer".

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    Perdita (18-06-2018)

  7. #54
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    Signs of the times.


    In an office:

    TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

    In a Laundromat:

    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

    In a London department store:

    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

    In an office:

    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

    In an office:

    AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

    Outside a second-hand shop:

    WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

    Notice in health food shop window:

    CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

    Spotted in a safari park:

    ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

    Seen during a conference:

    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

    Notice in a farmer's field:

    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

    On a repair shop door:

    WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

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    Perdita (28-08-2018), tammyy2j (28-08-2018), Tuareet (28-08-2018)

  9. #55
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    OLD TIMER


    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

    As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

    Everybody standing around was laughing..

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

    The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12gauge barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

    "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

    There are a few lessons for all of us here:

    *Don't be arrogant.
    *Don't waste ammunition.
    *Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    *Always make sure you know who is in control...
    *And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

    I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

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    Perdita (16-10-2018), Tuareet (22-10-2018)

  11. #56
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    A Warning about Drink Driving during the Christmas Break


    With Christmas upon us again I would like to share a personal and life-changing
    experience with my family and friends - involving drinking and driving.
    As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities
    from time to time on the way home after a "social session" with friends.
    Two days ago we were in town for an evening with friends and had more than a
    few beers followed by some bottles of excellent wine.
    Although feeling OK we still had the sense to know that we were probably
    slightly over the limit. That's when we did something that we normally
    would not do - we actually took a cab.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since we
    were in a cab they waved us past and we arrived home safely without incident.
    This was a real surprise, as we had never driven a cab before, we don't even know
    where we got it and now that it's in our garage and we don't know what to do with it.
    So if you want to borrow it give me a call.

    Cheers and Merry Christmas to each and every one of you.

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    Perdita (24-12-2018)

  13. #57
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    The Art collector

    A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client.

    "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

    The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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    Perdita (02-02-2019)

  15. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pantherboy View Post
    The Art collector

    A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client.

    "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

    The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

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    Pantherboy (02-02-2019)

  17. #59
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    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
    The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
    While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
    When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
    The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
    While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
    Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
    "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
    "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
    "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
    Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

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    Perdita (27-03-2019)

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