Page 37 of 39 FirstFirst ... 273536373839 LastLast
Results 361 to 370 of 386

Thread: Jokes

  1. #361
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    Haha!


    IN GOD WE TRUST

    ACTS 2:38

    You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
    services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
    of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
    (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ,
    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
    “Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
    “Scripture?” replied the burglar.
    “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”


    KNOWING SCRIPTURE CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE!

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (23-12-2017), Rear window (24-12-2017)

  3. #362
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    You learn something new every day!! Haha!


    HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE!

    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks..

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 😉

    You know I would not make up this stuff -- RIGHT?? 😁

  4. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (14-03-2018), Ruffed_lemur (15-03-2018), TaintedLove (13-03-2018)

  5. #363
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    An Aussie joke for you!


    A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (05-05-2018)

  7. #364
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    At Home
    Posts
    49,166
    Thanked: 39534

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to Perdita For This Useful Post:

    Pantherboy (05-05-2018)

  9. #365
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon
    and sat down to drink a beer.

    After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
    "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
    "I do....Why?"

    The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
    "I just thought you’d like to know
    that your horse is almost dead outside!"

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough
    Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

    The Lone Ranger got the horse water
    and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

    The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
    "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver
    and see if you can create enough of a breeze
    to make him start to feel better."

    Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"
    and took off running circles around Silver.

    Not able to do anything else but wait,
    the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

    A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
    "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
    The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
    "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

    Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (09-06-2018)

  11. #366
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    During a recent medical, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

    "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

    Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

    "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really horrible golfer".

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (18-06-2018)

  13. #367
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    Signs of the times.


    In an office:

    TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

    In a Laundromat:

    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

    In a London department store:

    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

    In an office:

    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

    In an office:

    AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

    Outside a second-hand shop:

    WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

    Notice in health food shop window:

    CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

    Spotted in a safari park:

    ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

    Seen during a conference:

    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

    Notice in a farmer's field:

    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

    On a repair shop door:

    WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

  14. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (28-08-2018), tammyy2j (28-08-2018), Tuareet (28-08-2018)

  15. #368
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    OLD TIMER


    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

    As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

    Everybody standing around was laughing..

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

    The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12gauge barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

    "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

    There are a few lessons for all of us here:

    *Don't be arrogant.
    *Don't waste ammunition.
    *Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    *Always make sure you know who is in control...
    *And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

    I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (16-10-2018), Tuareet (22-10-2018)

  17. #369
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    A Warning about Drink Driving during the Christmas Break


    With Christmas upon us again I would like to share a personal and life-changing
    experience with my family and friends - involving drinking and driving.
    As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities
    from time to time on the way home after a "social session" with friends.
    Two days ago we were in town for an evening with friends and had more than a
    few beers followed by some bottles of excellent wine.
    Although feeling OK we still had the sense to know that we were probably
    slightly over the limit. That's when we did something that we normally
    would not do - we actually took a cab.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since we
    were in a cab they waved us past and we arrived home safely without incident.
    This was a real surprise, as we had never driven a cab before, we don't even know
    where we got it and now that it's in our garage and we don't know what to do with it.
    So if you want to borrow it give me a call.

    Cheers and Merry Christmas to each and every one of you.

  18. The Following User Says Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (24-12-2018)

  19. #370
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    4,918
    Thanked: 7551
    The Art collector

    A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client.

    "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

    The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

  20. The Following User Says Thank You to Pantherboy For This Useful Post:

    Perdita (02-02-2019)

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 6 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 6 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •