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Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415
    Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence:

    The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are
    welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed
    to do so.'

    Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said
    to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak
    two words.'

    Sister Mary said 'Hard bed.'

    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest. 'You
    may say another two words, Sister Mary.'

    'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the
    food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
    Sister Mary in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

    'I quit,' said Sister Mary.

    'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch
    since you got here.'

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  3. #42
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415
    Getting in early!

    A little Christmas story (its only 19 weeks away) Joke:

    A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Not a lot of people know this!

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  5. #43
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    At Home
    Thanked: 35383
    Last edited by Perdita; 23-08-2017 at 05:30.

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  7. #44
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415
    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "Hunting flies" he responded.

    "Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

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  9. #45
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Thanked: 11180
    A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject"

    I laughed

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  11. #46
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415
    Apologies in advance for this one! Haha!

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    "How was he killed...?" asked one detective....

    "With a golf gun," the other detective replied....

    "A golf gun...! What is a golf gun...?"

    "I don't know....But it sure made a hole in Juan...."

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  13. #47
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Thanked: 12066
    if minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

    the trump card

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  15. #48
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415


    ACTS 2:38

    You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
    services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
    of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
    (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ,
    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
    “Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
    “Scripture?” replied the burglar.
    “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”


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  17. #49
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415
    You learn something new every day!! Haha!


    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks..

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 😉

    You know I would not make up this stuff -- RIGHT?? 😁

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  19. #50
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Sydney, Australia
    Thanked: 3415
    An Aussie joke for you!

    A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

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