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Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
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    Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence:

    The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are
    welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed
    to do so.'

    Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said
    to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak
    two words.'

    Sister Mary said 'Hard bed.'

    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest. 'You
    may say another two words, Sister Mary.'

    'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the
    food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
    Sister Mary in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

    'I quit,' said Sister Mary.

    'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch
    since you got here.'

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    flappinfanny (14-06-2017), Perdita (14-06-2017), Ruffed_lemur (14-06-2017), Siobhan (15-06-2017)

  3. #42
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    Getting in early!


    A little Christmas story (its only 19 weeks away) Joke:


    A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Not a lot of people know this!

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  5. #43
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    Last edited by Perdita; 23-08-2017 at 05:30.

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  7. #44
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    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "Hunting flies" he responded.

    "Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

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  9. #45
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    A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject"

    I laughed

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  11. #46
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    Apologies in advance for this one! Haha!


    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    "How was he killed...?" asked one detective....

    "With a golf gun," the other detective replied....

    "A golf gun...! What is a golf gun...?"

    "I don't know....But it sure made a hole in Juan...."

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    Perdita (09-11-2017)

  13. #47
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    if minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

    the trump card

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    Pantherboy (16-11-2017), tammyy2j (16-11-2017)

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