Page 1 of 39 12311 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 386

Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Blackpool
    Posts
    731
    Thanked: 67

    Jokes

    Thought we might have a Jokes thread, maybe if it takes off we can make it sticky? Post your favourite, best and worst jokes for everyone to read. It might brighten up your day if you have had a particularly stressfull day at work, school or at home with the kids. Remember it takes far less muscles to smile than it does to frown

    I'll start the first one off with an oldie but goodie.

    Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest
    celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder
    and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the
    Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the
    friar into the woods and threw him in the river...but Tuck
    climbed out and continued singing without missing a note.

    The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but
    you cannot make him hoarse


    sad i know but it might just make someones day

    Enjoy

    (edited because i can't spell)
    Last edited by Rain_; 02-10-2005 at 22:04.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Blackpool
    Posts
    731
    Thanked: 67
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Tesco's, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
    The assistant replied, "No love, they're dead."





    A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead."
    Before he knows it his lorry gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
    The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
    The lorry driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel."



    Three couples wanted to join their local church. An elderly couple in their eighties, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple.

    At the meeting with the vicar they were told that they would only be allowed to join if they could abstain from sex for four weeks.
    They were to come back after that time and report.

    Four weeks later they all met with the vicar and were asked how they had fared.

    The elderly couple said that they had had no problem whatsoever. The middle aged couple said that the first three weeks were fine but the last week was a struggle, but they just managed it. The vicar congratulated them and welcomed them into the church.

    He then turned to the newlyweds. "And how did you go on," he asked.

    "Well," said the husband, "the first two weeks were not too bad, the third week was very difficult, but the fourth week was impossible. It was okay until we decided to do some decorating. My wife reached up to a high shelf for a tin of paint and dropped it. As she bent over to pick it up I was overcome with lust and we had sex there and then."

    "You realise that because of your actions you won't be welcome in this church?" said the vicar.

    "We won't be welcome in Homebase either," replied the wife.




    Mrs. O'Brien comes to visit her son Seamus for 3 days in Dublin where he is studying.
    She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl room mate.
    Mrs. O'Brien couldn't help but notice how pretty Seamus's room-mate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
    Reading his Mum's thoughts, Seamus volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just room-mates."
    About a week later, Vikki came to Seamus saying, "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
    'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote:
    Dear Mam,
    I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left.
    Love, Seamus

    Several days later, Seamus received an email from his Mam which read:
    Dear Son,
    I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Love, Mam.






    An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on a reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him...

    "Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, " You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

    The chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued, " Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied...

    "When white man found the land, Indians were running it...
    No Taxes,
    No Debt,
    Plenty Buffalo,
    Plenty Beaver,
    Women did all the work,
    Medicine Man was free,
    Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
    All night enjoying spouse."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled...

    "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."





    Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, OK".

    Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love Juice?"

    Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
    Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

    Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

    Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Blackpool
    Posts
    731
    Thanked: 67
    An Irish priest is driving down to London and gets stopped for speeding on the M1.
    The Policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," says the priest.
    The Policeman says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"




    Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour, Harold, peered over the fence.

    Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely inquired, "Hi there, Nancy. What are you doing?" In tears and without looking up, poor little Nancy replied,
    "My goldfish died and I've just finished burying him."

    The neighbour was deeply touched, but amused when he observed, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
    Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt, stood up and brushed the grass and leaves from her knees then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."






    A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

    The cowboy grinned and said,
    "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
    Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
    The woman replied, "Don't be flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
    (i'm sorry that one just tickled me)






    A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
    They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
    The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
    the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
    "Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
    He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
    Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
    "Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
    "We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise"
    "Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peking Duck"






    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
    Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
    "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
    "That's when I made my big mistake."
    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

    "I don't remember much after that!"







    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
    The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
    The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Blackpool
    Posts
    731
    Thanked: 67
    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." he frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."





    I was sat in my local the other day when this piece of tarmac walked in.

    He walked up to the bar and said to the barman "My name is the M4, can I have a pint please", landlord obliged.

    Two minutes later in walks another bit of tarmac, walks up to the bar orders a pint and introduces himself as the M5 and starts talking to the M4.

    Five minutes on and in comes a red bit of tarmac and orders pint and goes and sits in the corner.

    Landlord leans over and asks the M4 and M5 why they didn't speak to the other bit of tarmac, to which they replied "we don't go near him, he's a cyclepath"




    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

    Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

    The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

    How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

    If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

    If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

    Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

    Is French kissing in France just called kissing?





    Maybe i should have named this thread "Rains Jokes"
    I'm sorry i get carried away sometimes
    Last edited by Rain_; 02-10-2005 at 23:27.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    7,454
    Thanked: 2

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Blackpool
    Posts
    731
    Thanked: 67
    lmao....credit chance credit

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    lincoln
    Posts
    956
    Thanked: 27
    that was a good one chance

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    A very busy place?!
    Posts
    10,727
    Thanked: 65
    Love the Vikki one!!

    Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, OK".

    Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love Juice?"

    Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
    Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

    Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

    Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."
    Don't get it..

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    650
    Thanked: 0
    Love and Juice are tennis terms

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    928
    Thanked: 0
    Quote Originally Posted by .:SpIcYsPy:.
    Love the Vikki one!!



    Don't get it..
    'Love' and 'Deuce' are scores in tennis!

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 7 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 7 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •