eastenders comedy

[Charmed]

Yep,hope you do some of the funeral!

[crazy_purple]

VICIOUS THUG: I keel you!

PEGGY: OMG no please don’t!

BILLY: *jumping out of RANGE ROVER OF DOOM* Unhand that wench, or I keel you muchly!

VICIOUS THUG: Oh, yeah? You and whose army?

RANGE ROVER OF DOOM: *snicker*

GRANT: ‘Allo, Mum.

PEGGY: Buh...?

GRANT: *to VICIOUS THUG* Now is the time for a$s-kicking.

VICIOUS THUG: Oh sh*t.

PHIL and GRANT: A-one! A-two! A-three! *they swing him into some bushes*

VICIOUS THUG: Wheee! Er, I mean, OW.

GRANT: ‘Allo, Mum.

PEGGY: Didn’t you say that already?

GRANT: Oh yeah.


JAKE and CHRISSIE: *are getting it on, squee*

GARRY: *reads ancient Chinese books? ....wait...*


PEGGY: So, Phil, how come you’re not in prison?

PHIL: *mumbles* No evidence blah... shupfth... We don’t talk about that anymore.

PEGGY: Oh, okay.

GRANT: What’s for tea?

PAT: .....

PHIL and GRANT wander through the Square, reminiscing fondly.

PHIL: And remember when we broke that guy’s arm and then pretended we totally didn’t?

GRANT: *wiping happy tear from eye* Good times.

PHIL: Yes, good.... OMG CHAVS!

GRANT: WHERE!?!?

PHIL: Quick! After them!

GRANT: I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!!

PHIL: ....

GRANT: ....

CHAV: Too slow Grandpa! *runs away*

GRANT: ME HULK!


JOHNNY: Who the hell are you?

PHIL: Phil Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.

JOHNNY: A pleasure *they shake hands* Who’s he?

GRANT: ME SMASH!

JOHNNY: ....

PHIL: My brother.

GRANT: Stay away from our mum or there will be a$s-kicking.

JOHNNY: *wimbles* Don’t hurt me.


*PHIL and GRANT break into the Vic without a crowbar or anything, because they are Just. That. Bad.*

GRANT: I’m baaaaaack!

CHRISSIE: Huh?

GRANT: Boo.

CHRISSIE: OH NOES!

DENNIS: Okay, I’m totally gonna hit you now.

GRANT: Fair enough.

DENNIS: It will hurt.

GRANT: Okay.

DENNIS: *swings at GRANT, but GRANT ducks and then grabs him and smashes him against the piano*

GRANT: *grabs barstool* RAAAA!

SHARON: *appearing from nowhere* Noooo Grant don’t hurt my husband!

GRANT: HUSBAND WTF?

SHARON: *isn’t even surprised to see GRANT back after five years* Now I will stare at you in a sultry manner.

GRANT: Fine by me.

DENNIS: Hey-!

[Tamzi]

That's really good. The episode last night was actually funny in a good way, but you made it hilarious!
xxx

[feelingyellow]

that was really good, well done!

[Layne]

Fab!

[Kim]

Brill.

[lil baby tash]

ha ha ha this is bloddy funny ha ha ha ha i keel you from the vicious thug ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[big bro fan]

that's well good

[crazy_purple]

I'll do another one after EE tonight but this is just a random one of last night's Lost that I felt like doing (I need to write funny stuff! my other script is depressing)

SHANNON: So Boone, what have you been doing with Locke in the jungle?
BOONE: .... Nothing. Totally nothing.
SHANNON: Oh. Because I'm getting worried about you sneaking off at night to be with a strange man in the hot, exciting jungle...
BOONE: .....Shut up.

HURLEY: Jack? Can I ask you something?
JACK: Sure, step into my office.
HURLEY: .... Anyway, I've kind of been eating too much fruit and it is NOT GOOD.
JACK: *giggle*
HURLEY: What are you, twelve?
JACK: You need fish.
HURLEY: Well, that's... that's great. Where do you propose I look for fish, doofus?
JACK: ....In the ocean?
HURLEY: .... Right, right.

KATE: *has my name, squee* Dude, hiding behind a leaf doesn't make you invisible.
JACK: ... I knew that.
KATE: Why do you keep ogling me?
JACK: Because you are hawt. Because.... you're interesting.
KATE: And hot.
JACK: That too.
KATE: Let me show you something.
JACK: Does it involve your chest?
SUN: Welcome to Sun's Secret Herb Garden! May I take your order?
JACK: Wow, awesome!
SUN: What, you never seen a garden before? Wow, it's a damn good thing I don't speak English, isn't it?
KATE: I found her working here a while ago. I've been helping her.
SUN: If by 'helping' you mean 'trampling all over the place and getting in my way with your crappy American non-green fingers', SURE.
KATE: So, Sun can't speak English. Weird, huh?

BOONE: So, what exactly are we going to do today?
LOCKE: Stare at the hatch. Going "ooo..."
BOONE: Not try and open it or anything?
LOCKE: Hell no. It's only episode *checks watch* somethingorother.
BOONE: Because Shannon is getting suspicious. I think I should tell her about the hatch.
LOCKE: *ties him up and leaves him for dead in the forest*
BOONE: Woe!

HURLEY: Hey, man.
JIN: *stares at him*
HURLEY: So, you're Korean, huh?
JIN: *raises eyebrow*
HURLEY: Will you help me catch a fish?
JIN: ....
HURLEY: Okay then! Ignore me! Doofus.
JIN: *thinking* I really wish I knew what he was saying.

KATE: And then he said "No, really?" and then I said "sure, why not?" and then he said -
SUN: WOMAN, SHUT UP!
KATE: OMG you speak English?
SUN: ...no!
KATE: OMG you totally do!
SUN: *eyeroll* Why am I stuck here with these damn people?

BOONE: So, the bald sexy guy has left me tied up in the hot, steamy jungle to wither away and die....
A TREE: Ha ha! *like Nelson from the Simpsons*
BOONE: ....Dude, Shannon was totally right. Never trust the bald sexy guy.
SHANNON: Boooooone....
BOONE: What?
SHANNON: Heeeelp! Locke tied me up!
BOONE: Oh noes!
SHANNON: Heeeelp me.....
BOONE: Did he say why he tied you up?
SHANNON: ..... Um, no. Not at all.
BOONE: ....
BEAST: RAAAAAA!
*tree-crashing abounds*
SHANNON: ARGHHHH IT"S COMING!
BOONE: Well, duh!
*Somehow he gets free and unties SHANNON*

*FLASHBACK*
BOONE: You tricked me out of 50,000 dollars! I hate you!
SHANNON: You totally love me.
BOONE: Do not.
SHANNON: Do too.
BOONE: Do n-
SHANNON: *licks his ear*
BOONE: Oh, God.

HURLEY: Sea urchin! Sea urchin!
JIN: *eyeroll* Do me and Sun have to do everything around here? The rest of you are just dumb.
HURLEY: It bit me! *cries*
JIN: For the love of...

BOONE: Ruuuun!
SHANNON: Ruuuun!
THE BEAST: Stand still!
BOONE: Huh?
SHANNON: *is deaded*
BOONE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
THE TREES: Woe.

HURLEY: Man, that sea urchin was evil.
JIN: *hands him a fish* Now will you shut up?
HURLEY: Oh, thanks, man.

BOONE: You indirectly killed Shannon! I keel you!
LOCKE: Why is there no blood on you?
BOONE: ...
LOCKE: Yeah, smarta$s.
BOONE: OMG she's aliiiiiiive!
LOCKE: ...So, how'd you feel when she died?
BOONE: Relieved.
EVERYONE: Gasp!
LOCKE: Okay. Now come with me.

SHANNON: So, I'm not dead.
SAYID: Cool.
SHANNON: Isn't it?
SAYID: Yay!
SHANNON and SAYID: *gaze into each other's eyes* Sigh.

[crazy_purple]

Okay, so now I'm totally going to do Lost episodes as well. I should probably start a new thread but I've got about a hundred going at once anyway so they're staying in here. I'll do Lost on a Thursday, and EE will be up... whenever I can be bothered. Because I Lost (namely Charlie, but the whole show is good )