Garry Bushell's Reviews on EastEnders

[Bryan]

this man is a comedy genius!!!!!

bondboffin

[Treacle]

WHAT a week on EastEnders! Phil ‘The Fugitive’ Mitchell burst back onto the Square after a year on the run. Where had he been hiding, in a pie factory? He looked like the Phil-bury Dough-boy. He must have been kipping too close to the ovens too, cos his face looked redder than Keith Miller’s bank statement. Phil’s dramatic return triggered the biggest man-hunt since Cindy Beale’s hen night. I counted twenty cops, plus a police dog that looked suspiciously like Wellard. That’s a lot of Plod. So I’m guessing Phil must have notched up some pretty serious motoring offences while he’s been away. Walford constabulary doesn’t get any brighter though. When they came knocking at Phil’s old front door they didn’t think to put anyone round the back to cover his escape exit. Doh!

Steve McFadden’s half-crazed performance kicked some life back into the ailing show. He was like Bill Sykes at the end of Oliver. All he needed was a Nancy to rough up. Sadly Derek was unavailable but Ian fitted the bill. Phil bolted into Beale’s backyard, where Ian just happened to be hanging about, possibly enjoying some amateur astronomy. (Isn’t it always the way? You’re looking out for the Plough and suddenly the Great Bear looms into view…) Wasting no time, Phil smacked Ian in the temple, giving him a nose-bleed (eh?) before sticking his head down the kharzi. Grange Hill, eat your heart out. Sadly Phil had to leg it before he got round to flicking Ian’s ears, giving him a wedgie and finishing him off with a Chinese burn. It was all so exciting you didn’t have time to dwell on nagging questions, like how did the cops know Phil was back? Why didn’t he just phone up Billy in advance to organize the cash he needed? Why didn’t Billy notice that the Square was crawling with “Filth”? And why, when Pat said she needed her beauty sleep, didn’t some wag quip: “We’ll wake you up in 2012 then”? OK, I’m nit-picking. It was the best week since Den’s death, what with Phil throwing punches and Chrissie throwing a St George’s Day party like a proper East End publican too. In the immortal words of Annabel Chong, let’s hope they can keep it up.

[Treacle]

IT was St George’s Day on EastEnders, you didn’t have to look far for the dragon. She was celebrating her birthday. Pauline is 60, but she’ll always look faulty to me. Well done to the Beeb, and to Sound TV, for making special shows for England’s patron saint. It wouldn’t hurt ITV to have a knees-up for St Geo next year: celebrating all that is great about English culture. Would it kill middle class TV execs to bury their self-loathing for one day? There’s a lot for the English to be proud of: rock stars, sporting heroes, authors, actors, comics… And not least, our tolerance and sense of fair play.

[Treacle]

JOHNNY Allen isn’t as tough as we thought. One glimpse of Dot in her nightie and he shot straight back indoors.

[Treacle]

RUBY was sleepwalking on EastEnders. She got the idea from watching the writers work on the scripts. Aren’t these storylines listless? The threat to Martin’s turnip monopoly, Keith’s illiteracy (just spell NO!)… If BBC1 want a new slogan for EastEnders, how about: it can't get any worse? I like the idea of Johnny Allen ruling the streets but suffering indoors. It smacks of Tony Soprano, only without the realism, intelligence or casting. Can you believe Stacey and Ruby (the bitch and the snitch) are the same age? Ruby looks 12. Johnny wants her to see a shrink. She’s already shrunk.

[Treacle]

BIG Mo star Laila Morse loves to sunbathe naked on nudist beaches. That’s one way to stop a Tsunami. If the tide went out it’d never come back in. On the plus side, it must help keep the flies off her Mivvy.

[Treacle]

LAILA says Mo spied on Minty in the shower “for the crack”. I’m guessing it was a big one.

[Treacle]

WALFORD mysteries: why did Tina need a van to move in but only a taxi to move out? Why has Johnny got just three names stored in his mobile phonebook? What new game show did Charlie want to see on Friday? Why has Patrick stopped playing ska? Why hasn’t there been a black teenage girl in the show since Hattie? And why is there a new menu on the wall of the Vic? No-one eats, no-one cooks!

[Treacle]

LET’S hope EastEnders keep Chrissie out of the witness stand. You wouldn’t want that nose to get any bigger. Chrissie should seduce Jake Moon in the cellar before he leaves though. If only to prove Den right when he said she’d be unfaithful over his dead body…

[Treacle]

TINA asked Johnny Allen if she should she wear a bag over her head in public. It might help. I can’t ever watch her without wondering what surgery she’s had. A face-lift or Botox? You decide.