All purpose soap storyline

[parkerman]

With the wailing of sirens a bevy of police cars screamed into Consternation Street and screeched to a halt in front of The Kabin. As soon as they stopped, the superintendent, Jack Grazingpasture, leapt out. “Just what I needed,” he said, as he looked at the poster on the door, “a Post Office. I need to buy a stamp.” However, on walking inside he discovered, that is spite of the poster offering all sorts of postal services, there was no postal counter after all. “I’ve been had,” he said, “Now where can I buy a stamp?” Just then a young eight year old girl got out of one of the other cars and said, “Don’t worry, sir, I have a stamp for you.” Jack looked at her in awe and admiration. “What would we do without you, Beth?” he asked rhetorically.

“Listen everyone,” said Jack, “We’re here to save Sun Hill from those who would shut us down and demolish the station.” A big cheer went up from the assembled coppers. “They’ve tried to get me many times, but they’ve never succeeded. Remember how the whole station was sacked once before after Don Seashore was found to be corrupt, but I kept my job. Then there was the time Tom Candlemaker tried to give me the push, but it was him who was written out, not me. And then there was the Vince Parkeeper affair. Did they get me? No, they didn’t. I’m the Teflon Man. Nothing sticks to me. Stay with me and you’ll all keep your jobs.” Most of the audience were in tears. Beth was blubbing like a little girl, which, of course, she was. Even DI Mansfield very nearly, but not quite, broke into a faint smile. “Back to work,” he ordered. “Where’s DS Carthorse anyway? We can’t solve any crimes without him.”

Suddenly Beth called for silence. “I have just worked out what happened to Sailor Joe,” she said, “Galeforce Splatt is innocent. Let her go. And I know who murdered Archie, it was Stacey Slapper. Arrest her. I’ve also just solved the Jack the Ripper case and I know where Lord Lucan is. O.J. Simpson did it.” One interested spectator listening to all this was a visitor from the Eastend. “You know,” she said to Fat Pat ‘Eavens Above, who had accompanied her on her trip oop north, “I could swear I’ve seen that amazingly talented policewoman somewhere before.” Fat Pat replied, “How could you have done? Don’t be silly, Ruby.”

[alan45]

''Ive just ad a brilliant idea Jack'' simpered Kiddiecop.'' We all know that Gale-Force is innocent and I the worlds greatest defective have come up with a cunning plan''

Jack was all ears ''Bloody good plan Beth I knew we could rely on you''

''But you havent heard my idea yet Jack''

''I know its bound to be good but I suppose you better tell me anyway''

Well I was finking that I could go undercover

The real police officers let out a sigh

''Steady on guys lets hear her out, after all she solved 9/11 for the yanks as well as all the Major crime in London'' said Jack

''Fanks Guv co I was finking that I could pretend to be Samey Barlow and move in with Traceyluv. She would fink I was her real daughter and I could find out how she set up Gale-Force and get her sent dahn''

'Briiliant plan Beth, Samey has changed so many times that Traceyluv wouldnt even notice''

Max Carthorse stood up to his full 3 foot 6 and puffed out his chest ''But Guv Im a Sergeant and Im a supercop and I want to dress up as a little girl'' cried Max '' Let me be Samey Barlow.

DI Alan Shearer put in his tuppenceworth '' I have a friend who is an undercover reporter an she could do the job. Shes staying up at Emmerdale on a drugs story but I could get her sent down here as shes free every night after half past 7.

''Thats it'' said Jack ''We can use all three and they can sneak into the Barlows via the secret entrance from the bogs in T'Rovers.''

Damien Pratt was delighted and he had already taken a shine to the voluptuous midget who being two foot shorter than Damien was ideal for what he had in mind.

''Right'' said Jack '' Who's for a pint in T'rovers

[parkerman]

It was night time and Ken Boring and his wife Dreary were just getting ready for their nightly cup of cocoa when they heard a strange sound in the upstairs bedroom. “Go up and see what that noise is, Ken.” “I expect it’s just Samey. Remember we agreed to take her off Steve’s hands tonight so he and Becky could –“ “Yes, well never mind that,” put in Dreary quickly, “We’re pre watershed you know. It’s alright for all those coppers on The Bill they can say and do what they like, but we can’t. In any case it can’t be Samey. Have you forgotten she never utters a sound as that way the producers can get away with not paying her?” “Oh yes,” replied Ken, “so I wonder what the noise it is. Surely it can’t be someone impersonating her…can it?”

Meanwhile, down in Walford, Beetroot Bitchell was just putting the finishing touches to his subtle plan to get Louise back. “Look, Shirl, first of all, you invite the social worker in while I’ide be’ind the door. As soon as ‘e’s in, I’ll bash ‘im over the ‘ead wiv a mallet which will be ‘andily placed under the cushions on the sofa. Then we’ll tie ‘im up and tell the cops we’ll only release ‘im if they give us Louise. ‘Ow does that sound to you?” “Brilliant, Phil. I love you,” said Shirley Youcantbeserious. The Milky Bar Kid looked at his dad with some scepticism before walking out the room and slamming the door behind him. “Whassamatter wiv ‘im?” said Beetroot, “When will ‘e learn to be a Mitchell?” “Now your talking,” put in the Poison Dwarf who was listening intently to Beetroot’s plan, “my good friends the Krays would’ve known ‘ow to deal wiv this problem. They always said the famerlee ‘as to stick together. The famerlee that slays together stays together is ‘ow they used to put it. Those were the good old days…” “Right, now then, mine’s a double,” said Beetroot.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. “Action stations,” shouted Beetroot as he took up his position behind the door. Shirley opened it, but it wasn’t a social worker, it was a new young keen police officer. “Billie?” said Shirley in amazement. “Yeh, blud, I’m a copper now innit and I been sent to take Beetroot Bitchell.” “What for?” demanded the Poison Dwarf in her ever protective motherly way as Beetroot himself came out from behind the door holding his mallet in his hand. “That’s bare sick man, nick, respect!” exclaimed Billie. Suddenly he saw Zsa Zsa lying on the sofa. “Hey, yo a buff ting,” he continued. “What the ‘ell are you talking abaht?” said the Poison Dwarf. “I ‘aven’t understood a word you’ve said since you got ‘ere.”

“Well you’ll have to learn,” exclaimed Billie, “I’m going to be the star of a new police series on TV. They’ve done away with The Bill and they’re going to replace it with The Billie….”

[Abigail]

The famerlee that slays together stays together is ‘ow they used to put it.

I love that line.

[parkerman]

I just felt like reviving this again...:

A lot of water had flown under the bridge in Walford since Billie appeared at Phil’s house…and yet, somehow it all seemed so familiar as though time had stood still.

As night closed in on another day in the Square, Billy – not to be confused with Billie – was looking through the Beales’s dustbin. “They must ‘ave thrown away somefing I can use,” he muttered to himself. “They’re a lot richer than me and I ‘ate ‘em. In fact I ‘ate everyone. Everyone is better off than me. No-one cares about me. No-one will give me a job. I’ve looked everywhere on the Square but can’t get anyfing. Someone suggested going a couple of streets further away where they heard there was a job going, but whoever ‘eard of anyone who lives on the Square ‘avin’ a job somewhere else? It’s ridiculous.”

Suddenly from out of the shadows came the newly sinister figure of Ben Milky Bar. “Ben,” exclaimed Billy, “you gave me a fright.” “Shut up!” ordered Ben “I give the orders from now on. You wanna job?” “More than anyfing,” replied Billy. “Well, I want you to terrorise my sister.” “You want what?” said Billy, scarcely able to believe his ears.” ”You ‘eard,” said Ben, putting on his hard face. “Well, ‘ow can I do that?” asked Billy. “I want you to take ‘er down the Community Centre and dance wiv ‘er until she gets really fed up. That’ll teach ‘er a lesson.” Billy was nonplussed.

As Billy and Louise started their tenth salsa, Lucas came over. “You’re doing a lot of dancing you two,” he said. “Yeh,” said Billy, “Louise loves it.” Just as Louise was about to protest, Lucas interrupted and said, “Jesus is looking at you. He knows the truth. Your immortal soul is in danger if you’re lying to me, Billy. He will overthrow you as He overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah. You will be like a burning stick thrown into the fires of Hell. This is what He will do to you, Billy. You must prepare to meet your God. And I know what I’m talking about. I’ve already prepared a number of people to meet their God. Just don’t go anywhere near that tree in the Square.” Billy was nonplussed.

Billy hurriedly left the Community Centre. “Perhaps two streets away wouldn’t be so bad after all,” he thought to himself….

[Chloe O'brien]

OMG Lucas is going to waterboard Billy for his sins.

[parkerman]

A glimpse into the future

Time has moved on and we are now in a prison somewhere in the Midlands. It is a new experimental prison where male and females are allowed to mix together.

In one cell are Gail and Tracy. Gail, of course, has never forgiven Tracy and refuses to speak to her. Tracy is still working on a plan to get early release so she can stop Becky from being happy.

In another cell are Tony and Lucas, both in for murder. They are not speaking either because Lucas just spends all day ranting and raving about God while Tony is just completely bonkers but no-one seems to have noticed, so he is languishing in prison instead of the mental hospital he should be in.

Next door to their cell are Ben and David. Ben, of course is in for grievous bodily harm while David is in for perjury and perverting the course of justice. He tells anyone who cares to listen that his mother is innocent, but, actually no-one cares to listen. Ben is a member of the prison corps de ballet. In fact he is the only member of the prison corps de ballet. They don’t get on either.

Further along the corridor are Nick, also in for perjury and perverting the course of justice as well as theft and Billy, in for tampering with the Royal Mail. Billy is forever moaning about his luck and asking Nick for money and gets quite angry when Nick tells him he has none.

Back in the female wing in another cell are Zoe and Sam, strangely enough next door to Chrissie. They communicate all day long by tapping Morse Code messages about Den Watts through the wall. In the same cell as Chrissie, though taking little part in the Morse Code messaging is Stacey, in for murdering Archie.

One day they all receive a visit from two television producers, who gather them all together in a room and tell them that as there are officially now more characters inside prison than on the Square or on the cobbles, they are going to axe Eastenders and Coronation Street and begin a new soap to be called “In it to Win it”, an everyday story of prison folk, who are forced to endure Dale Winton visiting as extra punishment.

Lucas thanks the Lord and Tony passes the ammunition.

[Perdita]

Very good

[parkerman]

Just a short one this time:

Adam and Libby are in Adam’s car somewhere on the M40.

Libby: Are you sure this is the way to Oxford, Adam?
Adam: I don’t know, I’ve never been there.
Libby: Nor have I. Perhaps we’d better ask someone.

[Perdita]