All purpose soap storyline

[parkerman]

While Tracyluv was enjoying her new found freedom, back in Slade Prison things were beginning to happen as the soap police took their new found evidence along to George Rook, the well known chess playing director of the CPS. “This won’t do at all,” he told Laurel and Hardy. “Why on earth would Gale take a hammer on board the boat? No-one would believe a story like that. Go back and see what else you can find out.”

The two policeman looked dismayed. “We’ll have to call in the experts,” said Laurel to Hardy (or was it the other way round?). “What, you mean call in Inspector Marsbar from Walford?” replied Hardy to Laurel (or vice versa).

Soon the phone was ringing in Walford nick. Inspector Marsbar (for it was she) picked up the phone and listened intently. Finally she agreed to drop everything and head north. On arriving in Weatherfield she read up the case notes and called in Sergeants Laurel and Hardy. “You’ve done it all wrong,” she explained. “Now listen to me as I am an expert. So far, although I have not managed to arrest Beetroot Bitchell in spite of him committing more crimes than Jack the Ripper, I have been successful in finding Archangel Bitchell’s killer, the villainous Bradley Walsh, so I know what I’m talking about. The problem you have here is that no-one will believe Gale took a hammer on board the boat. You need to get her to confess to a much more believable story than that. Say, for example, she was to say that she had hidden a rolling pin to stop Sailor Joe making a potato pie and had then used it to beat him over the head with it, washed off all traces of hair, fingerprints and DNA and replaced it on the top shelf in the kitchen, you have a watertight case (if you’ll forgive the pun). That’s what we would do in the Eastend”

Laurel and Hardy looked at each other in disbelief. “Who would believe that load of old tosh?” one of them said to the other one, “Not even a fantasy script could get away with that one!”

[alan45]

Meanwhile back on T'cobbles

Traceyluv approached the Streetcars Office just in time to see Tubular Dogbreath set off in a minicab in the direction of ''dahn saff'' where rumour has it she is to appear in the Cbeebies program Leastenders as yet another member of the multitudinous Mitchell crime family Leggy Mitchell.

''Ello Eileen'' grinned Tracyluv

''WTF'' said Eileen nearly choking on her low calorie Bacon and Sausage Barm, ''When did you get out of the Big House''

'They released me when they discovered that it was actually Gail Force Platt who murdered Charlie Stubbitout. So now Im back to take over as Superbiatch of the Street and no-one is going to stand in my way. NO ONE!!!!!!!!''

''Prison has turned me into a hard faced cow although the folk round here wont notice the difference'' she smiled '' I havent had a head and body transplant this time.''

''I see your manners nor your acting ability have improved'' laughed Big Eileen.

''Shut it bitch'' roared Traceyluv '' Im off down to the Rovers to see MY Steve and my loving daughter SAMEY but I havent finished with you yet Eilleen, you see prison has changed me, Ive become bi-sexual as it doubles my chances of a date''

Eileen choked on her Barm

As Traceyluv walk accross the street in the direction of T'Rovers she spied little Samey her mute daughter hand in hand with her Stepmum Becky ''Grangemouth' Mc Donald sharing a bottle of cheap cider.

''Oi you slapper''

Molly Dobnob answered '' Are you talking to me???

''No that tart with my daughter'' sneered Traceyluv

''Who you calling a tart, Jailbird'' sneered Becky
At that Traceyluv exploded and grabbed Becky by the peroxide roots of the hair and hit her a slap

Steve McDonald who had witnessed the meeting of the present Mrs Mc Donald with a jilted Mrs McDonald ran quickly into T'Rovers

Mam mam '' You better come quickly, Traceyluv and Becky are outside fighting''

Liz Mc Donald known as MAM for two obvious reasons stepped out from behind the bar and out onto Confrontation Street.

[Chris_2k11]

As Traceyluv walk accross the street in the direction of T'Rovers she spied little Samey her mute daughter hand in hand with her Stepmum Becky ''Grangemouth' Mc Donald sharing a bottle of cheap cider.

''Oi you slapper''

Molly Dobnob answered '' Are you talking to me???

[parkerman]

By the greatest coincidence imaginable, just at this moment, an old familiar face got off the bus and walked slowly down Copulation Street to where Tracyluv and Becky were now rolling around on the floor watched by Nozza Coalman, who was tut tutting away and saying, “I don’t know why we have to watch this sort of thing.”

The old familiar face stopped outside TRovers just as Steve and his MAM walked out. Steve was gobsmacked. “Not you as well?” he sighed. “What sort of welcome is that?” asked Karen McDoughnut, fresh from her triumphs in a number of other television plays unlike most people who leave soaps. “Karen?” spluttered MAM. “No longer Karen,” came the reply, “I am now Suream Jones, and I’m glad I’ve left the cobbles, or should I say cobblers, behind me, if this is the best you can do.” Looking down at the two women fighting on the floor, she said, “There was a time when I would have dealt with both of these put together with one hand tied behind my back, but not now, because I am famous and don’t stoop to that level any more.”

“I love you, Karen or Suream, or whatever your name is,” declared Steve, but before he could say any more another old familiar face also appeared on the scene, so he did. “Jim,” said MAM, “where did you come from?” “Well, apparently, it’s our 50th anniversary soon and all the old ‘uns who can still walk are being rounded up to appear again on tcobbles so they are.” “But will there be enough storylines to go round?” asked his estranged wife.

“Don’t worry about that,” said Normal “Cutey” Watts, “Take me for example, I have just returned for absolutely no reason at all. We’ll all be here soon. It’ll be just like Deadenders with Sonia and Robbie and Carol etc. And don’t worry about storylines, we can do what they did in Walford when they started to explore a story about Sonia and Martin Fowlup and then just forgot about it when Sonia went back home. I understand Ena Sharpoint, Elsie Sixpence and Albert Fetlock will be arriving soon, courtesy of Archie Shuttlecock. I believe he’s done a good job on them. Tony Gord’elpus is also planning a comeback soon, breaking free from prison to come and terrorise Martyr Conwoman. Oh yes, she’s back as well.”

This was all too much for Nozza Coalman to take in. Here he was first with the news, but would his friends Emily Christian and Rita Gingernut believe him. He made off towards TRovers to meet them.

Meanwhile Tracyluv and Becky were still rolling around on the floor oblivious to the gathering crowd of old timers when Eileen, having finished her Barm, kicked Tracyluv in the stomach and said, “Were you making a pass at me just then? Because if you were I’ll have you know I’m very particular who I go out with. Take Colonel Mustard for example. Now he was a real man. You call yourself a murderer, Tracy, but my Colonel Mustard has murdered Dr. Black millions of times in homes up and down the country with bits of lead pipe, a candlestick and lots of other things. So if you want to take me out you’ll have to sharpen your ideas up a bit.”

Tracyluv smiled as she grabbed yet another handful of Becky’s hair. “You wait, I’ve only just started on the McDoughnut Family. When I’ve finished with this lot here I’m moving on to Tina McDonought and that gormless boyfriend of hers, Jason Woodenhead.”

Eileen screamed. “You leave my Jason alone,” she shrieked. And suddenly she was on the floor with the other two joining in the fight.

Suream looked on in disgust….

[alan45]

Just HTF can I follow that.


But hey the devil hates a coward

[Chris_2k11]

this better not end haha its too good

[Siobhan]

this better not end haha its too good

Here here.. don't end this.. so funny

[alan45]

At least my co-writer has introduced plenty of new characters

[parkerman]

New old characters...

[alan45]

The scene on the street was interrupted by the wailing of police sirens as two police cars raced into Constipation Street. Out of the first one jump PC Penny Black, Sgt May Ackland and Jim (no relation to Max) Carter. As they ran to separate the feuding wimmin Doris Coalman turned to Cavein Webster and said’’ I don’t like the look of this, who sent for the Bill’’ ‘’ Someone call for me’’ said jovial master Builder Bill ‘’Superstud’’ Webster. ‘’Get lost Dad;‘’ said Cavein ‘’ We was minding us own business when the filth arrived’’

At the other end of the street Reggiebabemagnet Holeless and Des Thereisataverninthetown were trying to arrest Big Jim McDonught.

‘’Houl on mucker what are yousins doing I’m innocent so I am’’ said the eternal victim Jim ‘’Ive just come down to see Elizabeth so I have’’

Reggiebabemagnet and Des bundled a protesting Big Jim into the back of Sierra 1 and carted him off to the Big House so they did.

‘’ I demand to know what you are doing here luvvie’’ said Oddrey Roberts’’ Meh husband used to be the Mayor of Weatherfield’’

The beautiful May Ackland turned to Oddrey and told her ‘’ The scumbags dow the ITV manor have grassed up our colleagues down Sunhill way and are making them disappear into places like oblivion and Albert Square.’’ We are trying to make a name for ourselves up North while we haven’t been forgotten.’’

Damien Pratt came over ‘’ Can you help me mam as she is in the Big House charged with murdering Sailor Joe but shes innocent I tell you INNOCENT.’’

‘’This looks like a case for our foremost Detective’’ said PC Penny Black.

‘’Yes’’ said May ‘’ Lets send for Beth Kiddiecop