Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Tricks
A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.
When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.
After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.
"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"
"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."
"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
A Hankerin'
The old prospector walked his old mule into a western town after six months alone in the desert without a drop of whiskey. He stopped at the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing off the dust, a gunslinger came out of the saloon with his gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old man and laughed. "Hey, old man! Have you ever danced?"
The prospector said, "Nope. Never had no hankerin' to."
The gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the man's feet.
Everybody laughed as the poor old prospector hopped around the street.
When the gunslinger's weapon was empty, he holstered it, and headed back into the saloon.
The prospector grabbed his shotgun from the mule's pack and cocked both hammers. Everyone heard the loud click, including the gunslinger and the street got real quiet, real fast.
The gunslinger slowly turned around and found himself staring straight down the shotgun's barrels.
The prospector quietly asked him, "So, young man! Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and then said, "Nope. But I always had a hankerin' to!"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Mature Couple
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later, she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"