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tales from the ER
Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is
stranger than fiction.
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A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When
asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from
him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin
explode.
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A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal
pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a
whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she
was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
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A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage
and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the
mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The
police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the
search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's
poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was
able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of
the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be
taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given
a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
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A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the
lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an
X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left
breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a
pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her
crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
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A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking
lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell
the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the
grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What
the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
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An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced
seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube
passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty
dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded
to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had
found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
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An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in
my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed,
have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed
that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked
very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her
uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up"
and then forgot about it.
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The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
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A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam
and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her
a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to
the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure
you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
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A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to
the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it?
Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
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A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next
to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while
then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
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A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't
able to retrieve it with her fingers. " Then I went to the bathroom and
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
