This Week's Task: Housemates' Autobiographies

Here are the housemates autobiographies, followed by their marks out of ten:

Claire

So, was asked to write about my life in one page, hopefully I can achieve that. I always thought when I was younger I could write my life in one line: Was born, kept my head down, then died. Life didn’t turn out like that.

So my parents are rich and busy. Never spent much time with them grown up, always with my housekeeper or the cook. Then my dad stayed later and later in the office, dipping his pen in the office ink, (lucky he didn’t married that one). Mum threw herself into work, didn’t want to open her eyes to what was going on. I knew it and I was 13 at the time. Lost my virginity to a total loser, guess I just wanted Dad to feel something for me, even if it was angry. Got to 15 and was invited to work parties with my dad.

Never thought much of them to begin with, wondering why people were always going to the loo to powder their noses, most of them didn’t wipe the power off. Then I found out why. Lines and lines of coke were sniffed at these parties, wife swaps and all sort of carry on. Funny enough it was one of my dad’s lovers who introduced me to the whole drug scene; I was 18 at the time.

I couldn’t get enough of the wonderful stuff. I snorted, chased the dragon, popped some pills, used a bong and had sex with total strangers anywhere and everywhere. Begged my dad for my own place, he gave it to me, no conditions. Then the parties really started and so did the breakdown of my parent’s marriage. I took advantage of this. With neither parent talking, I could get allowance from both of them, which ended up my nose. Was doing all sorts TO all sorts. Didn’t give a **** that I could have caught any decease or ended up dead on the streets. I was having fun.

Mum and Dad finally divorced and my mum came to see me to tell me she accepted a job in Africa. Missionary work, but it is what she said she needed to get away. Mum came to visit after one of my legendary parties and was shocked how far into the drugs I had become. I was totally non-functioning without some sort of pill. She begged me to go to rehab but I wasn’t having any of it. I just wanted fun. She sat me down and made me face what I had become. It was ugly and I was scared. I woke up to what was going on around me and went to rehab. Mum saved my life.

Dad married his secretary on my second stint at rehab. First didn’t work cause there was more drugs in the place then out of it. He paid for the second centre, which was better. It was in there, with one of the patience that I discover non-drug sex and I loved it! Sex was not something I did off my face anymore and I found so many weird and wonderful ways to have sex. It was like an inner demon escaping. I was liberated and my body was enjoying this new experience. I would do it anywhere, anytime. I am not ashamed of my body. I love it.

With my new sense of freedom and my past experience I was asked to talk to some kids at school (it was my best mates who asked me to go speak at her daughters school). As I sat there explain about drug to these kids it made me think, that if I could save just even one child from the drug scene, it would all be worth it and went about applying to be a councillor. I am now nearly 2 years clean, speaking to kids and working on getting to be a full councillor.

P.S I slept with the primary school teacher, she was damn hot!

A honest and frank biography - no holds barred 8/10

Pharrell

I grew up on the Jasmine Allen Estate in South London. I’m one of 7 children I have 3 brothers. Omar, Zachariah and Shaquille, and 3 sisters Anastasia, Isabella and Cleopatra. My mama had three jobs because my Daddy was in jail for armed robbery. I hated school I was always getting into trouble. I got expelled from 4 different schools. The only thing I wanted to do was hang around with my 3 friends and fellow trouble makers. Winston who we called Kit Kat. He was called that because one night when he was a 9 his Daddy attacked his Mother with a kitchen knife and Winston got in the way, his daddy sliced of one of his thumbs so he’s only has 4 fingers on one hand. My other 2 buddies were Casper and Jerome who we called Guinness because he died his hair blonde to try and impress my sister Isabella. It didn’t work of course; man he thought he looked wicked.

As I said I was always in trouble with my guys in and out of school. We would get busted by the filth for shoplifting, drinking, drug taking and fighting. When I was 13 we were caught stealing lead roof tiles of the church roof. We were expecting to be locked up as the Social Workers were always round my house but luckily the new Minister who had taken over the Parish asked the Court to give us community service as he needed help painting the church hall as he was planning to turn it into a youth centre. This is when I met the man who would change my life. Father Aloysius Kelly. He was new to the Priesthood. At first I hated helping at the Youth Centre but Father Kelly got some cool stuff including a pool table, basketball net and a set of record decks that came from money from Children in need. This is when I got really into music Casper and I started mixing all kind of tracks from Shaggy to 2 unlimited, while Kit-Kat and Guinness would try and break dance I was dead into it man but Father Kelly encouraged us to stay out of trouble. If any of us got into any kind of trouble he would suspend us from the club. Within 6 months my family and my Social Worker had witness a huge change in me. We were no longer hanging around the streets gang fighting but having fun.

Once the club had been running for about a year we persuaded Father Kelly to let us hold a disco it was blinding man we were getting a reputation and it was all good. Pretty soon we were having them every month we even got asked to DJ the school proms. Then Father Kelly started renting out the church hall for parties and I would DJ. It was great for pulling the chicks as well. I continued to hang around the club mixing tracks until I was 16 when I entered this competition on Radio 1 to win a state of the art mixing and recording system and the chance to hear you stuff played on national radio. I mixed some tracks and sent in my tape and I won. Man I thought I had won the lottery. I went to Radio 1 and met Trevor Nelson and my mix was played on his show. It just so happens that Teddy Riley who’s the Founder of New Jack Swing Beat from Atlanta Georgia was in the UK on promotion work. He heard my mix and his agent tracked me down. He offered me a job being a producer’s assistant, but I was really just an errand boy to begin with. I went to America were I helped co-produce acts including Jay-Z, N-Sync, Justin T and Nelly


The other guys couldn’t travel with me to America. Casper got his girlfriend off the estate pregnant and had to marry her. He’s now a school teacher back at our old school. How crazy is that. Guinness joined the priesthood and now works in Rwanda. Kit-Kat continued to work with Father Kelly, Sadly Father Kelly died four years ago but Kit-Kat still runs the youth centre running Hip-Hop and break-dancing clubs.

Last year I returned to the UK with my chick Abigail. (She was a Vegas showgirl) to try and set up my own Urban Music production Company and at the moment I trying to promote a couple of new acts aiming for stardom. They are a young boy called DaveyWavey. He’s Casper’s kid brother. He wants to be the next 50 Cents I told him I’m changing is name to 20 pence. There’s also a 4 piece R’n’ B band called My Electric Musical. That brings me how I entered the SBBB 3 house.

Detailed and amusing story of rags to riches 8/10

Lisa

I was born many a year ago (actually forgot the date as I can’t really do Maths!) but from that day forward, I would be known by everyone as Lisa (Lisey, Lise Lisaaahhhh!) As a baby my first word was ‘chippy’ and this obviously echoed the start of my love for chips and gravy, as I always used to pester my momma and dad to cook me chips and to have gravy for almost every evening meal.

My first day at school always stands out in my mind. My first lesson of P.E. I thought we had to strip naked to put on our PE clothes so I ended up stripping in front of the whole class, whilst all the little kids, stared and laughed at me. I ended up crying and running out of the class with no clothes on. You could argue that ever since, I am usually in a habit of taking my clothes off and running about naked in a wild and overbearing fashion.
Since my first day of school, I progressed with my education extremely well. I got the part as Jesus in a Nativity Play in primary school and I remember it was one of the best things I’ve ever done, as I was the centre of attention and the audience were transfixed on me and my performance. I was a big, fat Jesus! But who cared?! I didn’t… Jesus could have easily looked like me and I still believe he did look like me when he was here walking this earth.

Elsewhere, at home, I was still eating my chips and gravy even in to my teenage years. Many people believed I put on my weight on purpose, but that simply wasn’t the case. My mum was big, so being a bit overweight came naturally from my figure. However, in secondary school, no one believed this and I was viciously bullied. It was a part of my life that I would rather forget, but it caused me to go on a downward spiral. I got called names… names that make me too upset for me to mention. I was also punched and kicked on a regular basis, and I turned to alcohol and experimented with drugs to help me ease the pain of the bullying I was going through. My mother found out what I was doing and demanded the truth, that’s where I confessed what I was going through. Weirdly, a hug from my mother helped me restore faith within myself. I stopped my downward spiral and started working my way up, bettering myself and this included standing up to the bullies so they would leave me alone for good. My bullying experience is something I have now put behind me, a bad time of my life and one I rarely look back upon without shedding a tear. Why I drink so much alcohol now and how I’ve shaped myself as a boozer is because I found the booze as a comfort and it helped me get through the tough times that I endured during school and it’s probably why I drink so much alcohol now.

As I finished school, I went on holiday with some mates and this is where I lost my virginity to a man on a jagged rock who smelt of haddock all over. Since then, I have only had one serious boyfriend. We witnessed Jamie Mitchell’s death on EastEnders and he cried way too much… so much that he wasn’t in the mood for some hanky panky later, which would have been great as a Christmas Day treat, so I ended up dumping him just after New Year, as any sooner would have interrupted and dampened festivities.

Now I am stuck in the SBBB house with a load of “funny nutters”. Who knows where my life could go now?!

Doesn't seem like we've been told anything we didn't already know. Maybe becuase Lisa is just a big gob who likes to shout out her life history at every given chance... 5/10

Lucy

My life hasn’t bee that interesting so far, pretty ordinary without too many dramas so far.I was born in Bristol, June 27th 1983 and weighed 6 pounds and 5 ounces, I was born early, although my mum isn’t sure how early, she says over the years the stress of everything got to her and she can’t quite remember!

Throughout primary school I was always the short one, I blamed it on the fact I was an early child. Cos I was so small I was always the sheep in the nativity play, no matter how hard I tried to me the angel.

High school was hard for me, as I was never good at anything. People said I was blonde my hair colour, and blonde on paper, I’m assuming they meant my test results. I was smart enough to get ok grades, but school just bored me. Sometimes, well often you would find me in detention, nothing too serious, really, it was all a big misunderstanding and I was innocent. I just couldn’t keep my trap shut basically! I was never one of the overly loud beastly girls, I was the one that sat at the back and had all the latest gossip, rumours, anything you name it and I knew the latest dramas! Only gossip in a way became my downfall, as in my last year of high school I got into a few fights over my tongue! I never meant to cause harm; it was just there were some vile people in my school.

In was in this last year that I became depressed, got called a slut and told to keep my knickers on! I don’t know what came over me! Well…my parents had a rough divorce and I started hanging around with the wrong crowd, went to parties and lost my virginity to a guy, who Im ashamed to say I can’t remember his name. It was bad year for me and I did sleep around a lot to try and make myself feel better since my parents were so wrapped up in themselves. Once I was told I was depressed I couldn’t believe it and worked as hard as I could to be the happy blonde (bimbo) that I used to me, cos in all honestly that’s who I loved. We all have dark phase in our lives and I believe I had mine at a early age.

So out of school, with GCSEs that weren’t bad I carried on to make my part time job as a hairdresser, full time. Me and a mate rented a flat together and I had a boyfriend that was long term and meaningful. I really loved him and thought this would go somewhere really serious, he was good looking and he was the kindest person Id ever met, he looked after me and said he loved me. But cheated on me. He had been cheating for six months of the 1 and half years we had been going out. He was my last serious relationships as Im not that good with guys. A few short term boyfriends now then and tried my hand at speed dating with I found more entertaining that serious, guessing it was just the locals!

My love life hasn’t been the best, never lucky with that kind of thing no matter how much I wish, but on the job front it’s great. All those talking days at school are put into use and my regulars which I have loads as head hairdresser always tell me Im good with my hands and make them up quick the oldies are the best with their stories, they keep me entertained and sometimes wish I lived t=in the past when they tell me how they were courted. I still live a in flat, but on my own now and Ive gone a little upmarket, the neighbours are hilarious! The family dramas they have, I often have one of them staying over, its nice to feel part of there family in a way!

And of course every weekend me and my friends go out and I think the saying is ‘paint the town red’ and paint it we do! Flirting with the bouncers to let us in when they have events that are full up lead to many drunken kisses given a grope or two, but always lead to a good part with my girlfriends when all we can do is laugh about it afterwards. After all not like we told them our real names!

Then I ended up here in the big brother house!

A bit like Lucy, nice enough but lacks substance - 6/10

Jess

Jess here, I hail from Essex, but I’m not your typical Essex girl – sorry to disappoint! There are some similarities I suppose fake boobs, blonde (ish) hair, love partying and I do own a pair of white heels, but I’m not a ‘Jodie March’ wannabee, and I’m not one to sleep with footballers and then sell my story for wads of cash, that’s not saying I’m not one for sleeping with footballers mind … oh and I have a sense of humour!

Suppose I better start with the family; my mum and dad; Jennifer and Kevin, my older brother Dan who is 25 and my younger sister Annabelle or Belle who is 17.

The parent’s split when I was 18, although obviously I’d much have preferred them not to split – I’m glad they did, it was like the end to a solid 2-year argument. Now however you can walk into a room and actually talk to one of them about the other and no objects are flung! My brother is over protective, but he cares, and he’s a good judge of character when it comes to men! Belle; I swear I’m going to start charging her rent, and for the amount of stuff she borrows and doesn’t give back!

I got into promotions work through Dan really, he got a job at this new club in town, he worked there and did some DJ-ing from time to time, he got put in charge of advertising and he wanted a hand, and I had 2 so I thought why not! I worked in the club and helped do promotions there for about a year (I had time off when I got my boobs done) And through a friend who did professional promo work for this other club I found out about the agency and I joined …and here I am, still going strong! And that club by the way, its now one of the biggest and most popular clubs in Essex - and Dan part owns it with a mate!

Suppose I should say something about my boobs then … I got them done purely because I was unhappy with the size they were, the women in our family are blessed with quite reasonable sized boobs, but apparently the boob gene decided to skip me. So when I was 18 I got them done, I went from a B to DD, or from ‘Mozzie bites to Melons’ in the words of my Gran.
I like the saying when some one hands you lemons make lemonade, but its more suited if you say when someone hands you lemons, get some tequila and salt and slam those babies down and PARTY, PARTY, PARTY

I wouldn’t class myself as party girl, yeh scrap that I would. [It’s a hobby, and before anyone says ‘No it isn’t’ IT IS, just like shopping, which by the way boys is a proper hobby, unlike women who aren’t your hobbies, we are your Gods!] Going out is a big part of my life, some of the time it is work related (Honest, I swear, its not an excuse!) – advertising, reviews, appearances, events and so on, but the rest of the time its just us out to have a good time. This is when my job comes in handy, the perks of promotion; some people get a pension yes, but I get into the clubs and get drinks for free! The sensible side of me, wants the pension, but screw it I’m 23 and you only live life once – HAVE FUN.

Fun is defiantly the main ingredient to having a good life, and you don’t need alcohol to have fun, it helps yes, but isn’t needed, this is a perfect opportunity to state that I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t always drink when I go out…

I am always up for a laugh and a giggle, sometimes I can be such a big kid; example Disney world, I skipped up Main street singing and dancing in an attempt to start my own parade, some people give them their due did join in. We sang songs in the cues, we made friends with the people who operate the rides to keep ourselves amused, we were dancing and singing along to all the parades, and I did wait in a queue for 30 minutes to get a picture with Mickey Mouse. This was last year.

Me; well I’m still living in Essex, I share a studio flat with my best friend Stacey who is in fashion, which helps when you need a new dress to go out in! I’m single, bit rubbish at relationships, but that’s probably down to the fact I always get suckered in my idiot men! My last boyfriend for example, everything going great, don’t hear from him in a couple of days and then when I got hold of him I got ‘I’m in Australia babe, moved here yesterday, didn’t I tell you?’ End of relationship! So I suppose I’m looking for someone a bit better than all the others … here’s hoping!

Quite a suprisingly insightful look into the life of an Essex Girl - 7/10

Mitch

“MITCHELL CORNELIEUS ROBERTS! PUT ERIC DOWN!”
Eric was a hamster. My sister’s hamster to be precise. And that was mum, telling me off as usual. Is it really that wrong to throw Eric out the bedroom window? I didn’t think so. I was 5 years old and getting up to mischief again. “Mischievous Mitch” family would call me. Looking back I’m quite glad they saved Eric. Shame I can’t say the same about Toby… or Jasper. Oh well.

As the years went on, and I grew up, things got better. For a start, I was starting to look like the angel when Tammy (that’s my sister) came home pregnant at 16. At first they were disappointed, but as the time went on they were excited. Then on November 16th 2000, Emily Michaela Stewart was born and I’d never seen her Nanny and Bampy look as happy as they did when they saw her beautiful face.

“Wild thing. You make my heart sing. You make everything, groooovay.” Ah Wild Thing. The inspiration for our band. Jack, Robby, Steve and me. 4 piece rock band.. Or at least what we thought was rock at the time. We weren’t terrible.. But we weren’t great either, but hey we had an avid fan base, so what if it was our parents and siblings? That’s good isn’t it? That’s just the start.

Talking of Wild Thing.. Reminds me of my best mates.. Mentioned them just now. Jacky boy, Robby and Steve. Oh there were some times with them I’d rather forget about! Skinny dipping in the Mersey wasn’t the brightest idea! Especially when you’re doing it alone and your so called mates hide your clothes! NOT fun!

Aged 17, time to pass the old driving test. Luckily my parents had already bought me a car when I was 16 and taught me a bit around our field. As soon as I hit 17, I hit the road. I was off. I’d already passed my theory on my 17th birthday, so it was only the big one to go.. Within a month I had taken it and passed. All that hard work paid off. My parents congratulated me with a brand new car. Not bad eh!

18th birthday, what a night! I think… to be honest it’s all a bit of a blur… I know there was alcohol.. There was a lot of alcohol. And girls there were girls! The rest….. Has kinda gone. It was awesome though, I’m sure of it!

A week after my 18th my parents were about to receive some bad news. Their little boy had been in an accident. It wasn’t that serious.. Just some whiplash for both me and my friend. But if you get a phone call from hospital saying your son has been in an minor accident, you’d still panic, wouldn’t you? What would I know.

After my “near death experience”, well it could have been bad eh. I decided I wanted to go to Uni. My dad was the owner of a company and I wanted in! But he said the only way he’d let me in was if I graduated with a Business degree… so I did. Uni was amazing. I went to Manchester Uni and it was the best time of my life… so far. The endless parties, the people I met, even the lectures were good! So after graduating with my degree just last year, I started working for dad… recruitment manager. Not bad for someone who’d never had a job before hey!

Not the most exciting life in the world eh? But it’s worked for me, I’ve enjoyed every second. Now I’ve got the future to look forward to. Big Brother here I come, hopefully it will be just like uni… fun, laughter and girls. Then way into the future.. 10 years or so… I’d like to find the perfect girl and settle down in Monte Carlo. But until then… FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

An entertaing read, just a shame we don't see that much of Mitch in the house! 7/10