Jokes

[phils little sister]

Good Excuses

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of
the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you
to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If
I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed
to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If
I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white
line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[daisy38]

:D:D:D:D:D:D

Thats well good! :)

[phils little sister]

On Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One
evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her
mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying
to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to
look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a
chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this
mess, let him get himself out of it."

[di marco]

good excuses - ive read that one before, great. makes me laugh everytime! lol! :D

[phils little sister]

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a
picnic. Mickpacks the picnic basket with beer and
sandwiches. The trouble is thatthe picnic site is ten
miles away so it takes them ten days to getthere.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it"
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the
bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle
opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he
refuses as he says they will eatall the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives thatthey will not eat the sandwiches, he
finally agrees. So Roy sets offdown the road at a steady
pace.

20 days pass and he still is n't back and Mick and Andy are
starving,but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a
promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a
sandwich each,and just as they are about to eat it, Roy
pops up from behind a rock and
shouts......


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT *******ING GOING!"

[dragoneye454]

excellent jokes

[daisy38]

Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes: Not! :)

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, eating his Xmas pie,
He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum,
And said: what is this doing in my apple pie?

Little boy blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, The cows in the corn.
And where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
I don't know, but he's in big trouble.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack! Your pants are on fire!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses,
And all the King's men,
Ate scrambled egg for two weeks.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She stepped in lamb poop.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
When along came a spider,
That sat down beside her,
And said: what's in the bowl, blondie?

Hickory dickory dock,
Two mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
But the other one got away.

Mary had a little lamb,
A little bread and a little jam,
A little pie and a little cake,
Then Mary had a stomach ache.

:D:D:D:D:D:D

[phils little sister]

Very good :cheer:

[Layne]

On Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One
evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her
mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying
to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to
look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a
chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this
mess, let him get himself out of it."

I don't get it?????// :searchme: I'm a bit slow!!!



All the other are fab, speciall the tortoise one and the good excuses one!

[phils little sister]

I don't get it?????// :searchme: I'm a bit slow!!!



All the other are fab, speciall the tortoise one and the good excuses one!

the hunter is saying that the lion can get away from the mother in law himself - he's not helping

[black-panther]

Good Excuses

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of
the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you
to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If
I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed
to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If
I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white
line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk." how many animals can you fit in a condom? a **** and a few hares.