Mr Humphries
13-10-2006, 18:54
Monday:
It's the soap wedding of the year! Well, month. OK, week. Day. Whatever. But Martha is looking absolutely stunning and her gaggle of peach-clad bridesmaids isn't looking too foul either. Jack is also looking swish and the groom party has scrubbed up nicely too. Even Alf has swapped his khakis for something more suitable. Morag, meanwhile, might not have bought a new outfit for the event but at least, like Beth's daughter Kit, she's in attendance. Martha's mother Roo, however, won't be putting in an appearance because she is a despicable woman and hasn't visited Summer Bay since 1989. In the church, eyes young and old mist up as Jack and Martha recite their wedding vows. "Will you cherish him and keep him in good times and bad," the registrar asks Martha, "for as long as you both shall live?" Naturally, Martha says yes. But if Zoë has her way, "for as long as you both shall live" will be until the end of this episode. Scream!
So where will the wedding breakfast be, mm-hmm? Well, Martha has chosen to host the reception in a knackered old barn that, from the outside, doesn't even look fit to house a herd of cows. "Why they chose this place I'll never know", tuts Colleen, as she totters down to the party. But inside, the barn has been decked out for a proper hoe-down and all looks very jolly indeed. The champagne is flowing freely as Rachel introduces her mum, Elaine, to everyone. Meanwhile, Peter tries to contact Tracey but doesn't have much luck. (Dan makes an appalling joke about how there's probably no 'reception' where she is, ho ho.) And it's not long before the wedding party arrives to rapturous applause. But all the while, in the bushes, a beady pair of evil eyes is looking on at the celebrations. Is Jack and Martha's day about to be ruined by an unwanted guest?
Thankfully, the person lurking in the scrub is not our favourite deranged lesbian stalker. It's the knuckle-dragging man with no first name, Macca, who has tipped up at his sister's nuptials despite being about as welcome as trick-or-treaters at a convent. Ric and Cassie spot him from afar, and the two blokes swiftly come to blows. Thankfully, Sally is there to step in once again. "It's Martha's special day," she hisses at Macca. "You've already taken enough of the joy out of it. Do you think you can leave her the rest?" The answer, it seems is no. Martha soon catches wind of the fact that her brother is outside and quickly sends him on his way with a flea in his ear. Back inside, Alf kicks off the speeches. Cassie jumps like Shaquille O'Neal when Martha throws the bouquet, and Ric makes a similar giant leap in order to get hold of the garter. As he and Cassie make dewy eyes at each other, Belle nearly chokes on her vol-au-vents. Anyway, the celebrations look set to continue long into the night. And despite Macca, nothing is going to ruin Jack and Martha's big day. Is it? Is it? Oh.
"What a nasty coincidence," moans Colleen. But she's not whinging on because Beth is wearing the same hat as her. It's Dan and Leah's wedding anniversary, and we all know what happened when they got hitched. However, if you don't, Colleen will fill you in. "This time last year, that dreadful Zoë was planning to attack your wedding," she squeals. "And now she's running around again!" How true that is. You see, before you can say "Surprise!", Zoë bursts into the room with Tracey at her mercy! It seems that Peter was right all along - Zoë has been working with an accomplice. But who? "You really are a fool, aren't you Peter?" Tracey sneers as she's ungagged. This means that she's been subverting from within and that all her standing around at the police station pushing her crotch out has been rather more sinister than Peter had hoped. "Can you smell gas?" Sally asks, as another person wanders into the room clutching a cake that's heaving with lit sparklers. The resulting explosion makes the big bang look like somebody trying to strike a match on a damp day. Who will make it out of the burning barn alive? Which Summer Bay favourites will perish? Will this mark the end of Zoë's terror campaign? And who puts sparklers on a wedding cake anyway?
Tuesday
Now we know that some people don't like weddings, but this one surely takes the (exploding) cake. The barn, where Martha and Jack were holding their reception, is a flaming wreck. Charred bodies litter the floor, and only some of them are still breathing. The ones causing most concern are Peter (who is unconscious); Jack (who seems to have disappeared); Tasha (who is pregnant) and Macca (who ends up being pinned to the floor by a fallen beam). Martha emerges from the wreckage looking like a Die Hard-era Bruce Willis. The dicky-tickered Alf tries to be a hero as flames lick the walls. Cassie, bizarrely, stays by Macca's side until the ambulances arrive. And eventually, the flames are quenched and everybody starts to receive some much-needed medical attention. But will it be too late? Also - where did Zoë and Tracey go?
The hospital is in absolute chaos as the injured start pouring in. Rachel leaps into medical mode as the main victims are wheeled to their trauma bays. Jack is in a particularly awful state, as he has some unspecified internal bleeding. "If we don't stop it," gulps Rachel, "he may have a cardiac arrest and die." (And therefore lead to the shortest soap marriage of all time.) Things are looking rather better for Tasha and Robbie as an ultrasound shows that their unborn baby is doing fine. But the person who's come off worst in this latest disaster to hit Summer Bay is Peter - whose brain was starved of oxygen for way too long. Although he's still plugged into a ventillator, our dishy detective is brain dead and this is not a situation that the doctors can reverse. All hope of his recovery is gone - and there's nothing left to do but persuade Dan to pull the plug. But that's going to be easier said than done...
Jack fans, brace yourselves. His liver is badly damaged and, without a transplant, he'll be an ex-soapie before the week is out. However, this is Planet Soap, people, and it's well known for creating its own matters of convenience. "A very unusual situation has occurred", breathes Rachel, as she fixes Tony's stare. Peter's liver is a match for Jack - but will Dan agree to donating his brother's organs when he's only been dead for a matter of minutes? No, he won't. Not until Tony takes him aside and makes a heartfelt plea. "He could still save my son's life", he gasps, as tears fill Dan's eyes. As there's nothing he can do to save his brother, he reluctantly agrees to the operation - and Tony is not only eternally grateful but hugely relieved. Martha grips Jack's hand as he is lead to surgery. She could still lose him, you know. However, all hope is gone for Dan, who looks on in silence as the green lights on Peter's life support machine give him a final wink.
If one dead body wasn't enough for you horrible lot, here's another. Kim is doing all he can to comfort Rachel's mum, Elaine, and this is proving rather difficult thanks to her serious memory problems. However, she stuns Kim by mentioning something about the portrait of him which she promised to paint a few weeks ago. Could this be some kind of miracle? Who knows - before Kim can ask her more, Elaine goes into cardiac arrest gives up the ghost. A hysterical Rachel does all she can to help save her mother's life - but it's too little, too late. Kim has to wrestle her away from Elaine's body as she screams and bawls. Oh dear. It's fair to say that today has been a bit of a rum do. But how many more people will lose their lives before this wretched week is out?
It's the soap wedding of the year! Well, month. OK, week. Day. Whatever. But Martha is looking absolutely stunning and her gaggle of peach-clad bridesmaids isn't looking too foul either. Jack is also looking swish and the groom party has scrubbed up nicely too. Even Alf has swapped his khakis for something more suitable. Morag, meanwhile, might not have bought a new outfit for the event but at least, like Beth's daughter Kit, she's in attendance. Martha's mother Roo, however, won't be putting in an appearance because she is a despicable woman and hasn't visited Summer Bay since 1989. In the church, eyes young and old mist up as Jack and Martha recite their wedding vows. "Will you cherish him and keep him in good times and bad," the registrar asks Martha, "for as long as you both shall live?" Naturally, Martha says yes. But if Zoë has her way, "for as long as you both shall live" will be until the end of this episode. Scream!
So where will the wedding breakfast be, mm-hmm? Well, Martha has chosen to host the reception in a knackered old barn that, from the outside, doesn't even look fit to house a herd of cows. "Why they chose this place I'll never know", tuts Colleen, as she totters down to the party. But inside, the barn has been decked out for a proper hoe-down and all looks very jolly indeed. The champagne is flowing freely as Rachel introduces her mum, Elaine, to everyone. Meanwhile, Peter tries to contact Tracey but doesn't have much luck. (Dan makes an appalling joke about how there's probably no 'reception' where she is, ho ho.) And it's not long before the wedding party arrives to rapturous applause. But all the while, in the bushes, a beady pair of evil eyes is looking on at the celebrations. Is Jack and Martha's day about to be ruined by an unwanted guest?
Thankfully, the person lurking in the scrub is not our favourite deranged lesbian stalker. It's the knuckle-dragging man with no first name, Macca, who has tipped up at his sister's nuptials despite being about as welcome as trick-or-treaters at a convent. Ric and Cassie spot him from afar, and the two blokes swiftly come to blows. Thankfully, Sally is there to step in once again. "It's Martha's special day," she hisses at Macca. "You've already taken enough of the joy out of it. Do you think you can leave her the rest?" The answer, it seems is no. Martha soon catches wind of the fact that her brother is outside and quickly sends him on his way with a flea in his ear. Back inside, Alf kicks off the speeches. Cassie jumps like Shaquille O'Neal when Martha throws the bouquet, and Ric makes a similar giant leap in order to get hold of the garter. As he and Cassie make dewy eyes at each other, Belle nearly chokes on her vol-au-vents. Anyway, the celebrations look set to continue long into the night. And despite Macca, nothing is going to ruin Jack and Martha's big day. Is it? Is it? Oh.
"What a nasty coincidence," moans Colleen. But she's not whinging on because Beth is wearing the same hat as her. It's Dan and Leah's wedding anniversary, and we all know what happened when they got hitched. However, if you don't, Colleen will fill you in. "This time last year, that dreadful Zoë was planning to attack your wedding," she squeals. "And now she's running around again!" How true that is. You see, before you can say "Surprise!", Zoë bursts into the room with Tracey at her mercy! It seems that Peter was right all along - Zoë has been working with an accomplice. But who? "You really are a fool, aren't you Peter?" Tracey sneers as she's ungagged. This means that she's been subverting from within and that all her standing around at the police station pushing her crotch out has been rather more sinister than Peter had hoped. "Can you smell gas?" Sally asks, as another person wanders into the room clutching a cake that's heaving with lit sparklers. The resulting explosion makes the big bang look like somebody trying to strike a match on a damp day. Who will make it out of the burning barn alive? Which Summer Bay favourites will perish? Will this mark the end of Zoë's terror campaign? And who puts sparklers on a wedding cake anyway?
Tuesday
Now we know that some people don't like weddings, but this one surely takes the (exploding) cake. The barn, where Martha and Jack were holding their reception, is a flaming wreck. Charred bodies litter the floor, and only some of them are still breathing. The ones causing most concern are Peter (who is unconscious); Jack (who seems to have disappeared); Tasha (who is pregnant) and Macca (who ends up being pinned to the floor by a fallen beam). Martha emerges from the wreckage looking like a Die Hard-era Bruce Willis. The dicky-tickered Alf tries to be a hero as flames lick the walls. Cassie, bizarrely, stays by Macca's side until the ambulances arrive. And eventually, the flames are quenched and everybody starts to receive some much-needed medical attention. But will it be too late? Also - where did Zoë and Tracey go?
The hospital is in absolute chaos as the injured start pouring in. Rachel leaps into medical mode as the main victims are wheeled to their trauma bays. Jack is in a particularly awful state, as he has some unspecified internal bleeding. "If we don't stop it," gulps Rachel, "he may have a cardiac arrest and die." (And therefore lead to the shortest soap marriage of all time.) Things are looking rather better for Tasha and Robbie as an ultrasound shows that their unborn baby is doing fine. But the person who's come off worst in this latest disaster to hit Summer Bay is Peter - whose brain was starved of oxygen for way too long. Although he's still plugged into a ventillator, our dishy detective is brain dead and this is not a situation that the doctors can reverse. All hope of his recovery is gone - and there's nothing left to do but persuade Dan to pull the plug. But that's going to be easier said than done...
Jack fans, brace yourselves. His liver is badly damaged and, without a transplant, he'll be an ex-soapie before the week is out. However, this is Planet Soap, people, and it's well known for creating its own matters of convenience. "A very unusual situation has occurred", breathes Rachel, as she fixes Tony's stare. Peter's liver is a match for Jack - but will Dan agree to donating his brother's organs when he's only been dead for a matter of minutes? No, he won't. Not until Tony takes him aside and makes a heartfelt plea. "He could still save my son's life", he gasps, as tears fill Dan's eyes. As there's nothing he can do to save his brother, he reluctantly agrees to the operation - and Tony is not only eternally grateful but hugely relieved. Martha grips Jack's hand as he is lead to surgery. She could still lose him, you know. However, all hope is gone for Dan, who looks on in silence as the green lights on Peter's life support machine give him a final wink.
If one dead body wasn't enough for you horrible lot, here's another. Kim is doing all he can to comfort Rachel's mum, Elaine, and this is proving rather difficult thanks to her serious memory problems. However, she stuns Kim by mentioning something about the portrait of him which she promised to paint a few weeks ago. Could this be some kind of miracle? Who knows - before Kim can ask her more, Elaine goes into cardiac arrest gives up the ghost. A hysterical Rachel does all she can to help save her mother's life - but it's too little, too late. Kim has to wrestle her away from Elaine's body as she screams and bawls. Oh dear. It's fair to say that today has been a bit of a rum do. But how many more people will lose their lives before this wretched week is out?