chance
27-02-2005, 12:14
Garry Bushell
WHO needs diets when we've got the soaps? If the mental picture of Martin and Sonia at it on EastEnders doesn't put you off your tea, nothing will.
For one glorious moment when Pauline moaned about the racket they make, I imagined Sonia's new boobs had been fitted with circus horns.
But clearly we're talking barnyard noises here. (Not chickens, their breasts are real.)
Only one of them in that bedroom is nicknamed donkey and it isn't Martin. It almost makes you nostalgic for the days when all Sonia blew was her trumpet.
It's even worse on Emmerdale. Most mums are content to show their daughters old family photo albums. Not Charity. She made Debbie sit through a video of her in bed with Jimmy King. What was this, a pilot for Watch With Mother: Late & Uncut?
Paddy's been complaining about his loveless marriage to simpleton Emily. Is it any wonder? Every time the poor girl tries to cuddle up at night she must fall into the asteroid-sized crater left behind by Mandy Dingle.
While Viv's vivid memories of her lusty love life with Bob ("finely-tuned instruments of pleasure" playing "a symphony of sensuality every night") were almost as disturbing as the thought of the battery-operated horrors now lurking in her bedside cabinet. Surely any rampant rabbit belonging to Viv would volunteer for myxomatosis?
She should get off with Paddy. Who better to sort out a desperate cow than a frustrated vet?
Corrie has its fair share of unsavoury shenanigans too, like Martin sharing his bed with Katy and her Barbie dolls. But at least the Street has got a proper affair on the go.
Ian may be the least lusty-looking lothario since Sven but he has "a way with women and a way with cars".
Yes, they all get a thorough servicing.
HIS fling with serial-cheat Sally has generated juicy gossip, a new world record in jumping to the wrong conclusions, and the usual smart lines.
"You get yourself back," Kevin told Sal. "And give him his money's worth..."
It will end in tears, and that's as plain as Cilla Brown.
-THOSE soap musical condom tunes in full. Paddy Kirk: Solitaire. Charity Tate: Money Money Money. Sonia Fowler: Bark At The Moon. Susan Mayer (Desperate Housewives): American Idiot. Ian Davenport: Mustang Sally. Cilla Brown: Wake Up Boo! (Cos that's what you'd do the morning after).
-CHARLIE Stubbs is a wicked swine but the way he manipulates Shelley on Corrie is a joy to behold. He's turned more tables than the Hulk in a temper. Does a woman this dumb deserve our sympathy? She might as well get "victim" tattooed on her forehead.
WHO needs diets when we've got the soaps? If the mental picture of Martin and Sonia at it on EastEnders doesn't put you off your tea, nothing will.
For one glorious moment when Pauline moaned about the racket they make, I imagined Sonia's new boobs had been fitted with circus horns.
But clearly we're talking barnyard noises here. (Not chickens, their breasts are real.)
Only one of them in that bedroom is nicknamed donkey and it isn't Martin. It almost makes you nostalgic for the days when all Sonia blew was her trumpet.
It's even worse on Emmerdale. Most mums are content to show their daughters old family photo albums. Not Charity. She made Debbie sit through a video of her in bed with Jimmy King. What was this, a pilot for Watch With Mother: Late & Uncut?
Paddy's been complaining about his loveless marriage to simpleton Emily. Is it any wonder? Every time the poor girl tries to cuddle up at night she must fall into the asteroid-sized crater left behind by Mandy Dingle.
While Viv's vivid memories of her lusty love life with Bob ("finely-tuned instruments of pleasure" playing "a symphony of sensuality every night") were almost as disturbing as the thought of the battery-operated horrors now lurking in her bedside cabinet. Surely any rampant rabbit belonging to Viv would volunteer for myxomatosis?
She should get off with Paddy. Who better to sort out a desperate cow than a frustrated vet?
Corrie has its fair share of unsavoury shenanigans too, like Martin sharing his bed with Katy and her Barbie dolls. But at least the Street has got a proper affair on the go.
Ian may be the least lusty-looking lothario since Sven but he has "a way with women and a way with cars".
Yes, they all get a thorough servicing.
HIS fling with serial-cheat Sally has generated juicy gossip, a new world record in jumping to the wrong conclusions, and the usual smart lines.
"You get yourself back," Kevin told Sal. "And give him his money's worth..."
It will end in tears, and that's as plain as Cilla Brown.
-THOSE soap musical condom tunes in full. Paddy Kirk: Solitaire. Charity Tate: Money Money Money. Sonia Fowler: Bark At The Moon. Susan Mayer (Desperate Housewives): American Idiot. Ian Davenport: Mustang Sally. Cilla Brown: Wake Up Boo! (Cos that's what you'd do the morning after).
-CHARLIE Stubbs is a wicked swine but the way he manipulates Shelley on Corrie is a joy to behold. He's turned more tables than the Hulk in a temper. Does a woman this dumb deserve our sympathy? She might as well get "victim" tattooed on her forehead.